Life Is Hard Because You’re Denying Your Truth. Stop Pretending.

Recently, I've had a little bit of an awakening around authenticity, intuition, and basically living a life in alignment with your values and your truths. So this past week, I've been in my shadow. Let's just start there. This past week I've been in my shadow. I've been feeling like I've been forcing everything, like my content. Just everything in my life has felt forced. And. And it was weird because everything on paper was like everything that I ever wanted. I was doing all the things that I normally do. I was like, I love my life, I love my job, I love my relationship, I love my home, I love where I live. Like, everything about my life on paper was everything that I wanted, but it felt like nothing was resonating and nothing was like, like lighting me up. I felt like for the past couple of weeks, my vision and my excitement for life was dead. And being a coach now in this, in mindset, in turning on your vision, in creating your dream life, that added another layer of like, oh, you can't feel, like that, like, internal pressure where I'm not allowed to feel bad. I'm not allowed to go against what I preach. Like, I need to be the example set for other people. So, yeah, it's been a whole thing the last couple of weeks. I documented some of it, like just me being in my shadow, me being having a little bit of an emotional breakdown. So it started with just feeling bad in my emotions, which kind of. That's what happens when you have a lot of purging and your shadow was coming up. And then came the reflection phase. So I had a whole awakening, first of all, around perfectionism. And this is so important that I need to share this because I was standing in my own way so much by hyper fixating on everything that was wrong with what I was doing. And it was. I was so unaware of it. What basically triggered me becoming aware of it, by the way, was having like a social media detox for three days. I keep glancing over here because I've got. My two puppies are just outside, so I'm just watching them. But yeah, I had a social media detox for like a week almost. And I realized the way that I was thinking was so toxic. And I. I couldn't believe how unaware I was that I was thinking like this. But anyway, everything I was thinking about was like, oh, that might look good in content. Oh, that might blow up my YouTube. Oh, that might. This, that might sound like this. That might make me come across like this, right? So worried about how I'm Coming across. And I didn't real realize how much I was operating in that mindset of like, what is this gonna look like? I didn't realize how much I'd slipped into that because there was definitely a phase and a time when I didn't feel like that, when I wasn't thinking about it, when I was just being and existing. And then I made the link and connected the dot that the times that I don't really think about what I'm doing too much and I just exist and I just go about my life doing what I want to do without questioning myself. Those are the times that everything and like miracles. Sorry, my dog is eating a leaf. I hope that's just a leaf. Yeah, it is. Those are the times that literally miracles happen in my life. So I have five YouTube videos recorded that I haven't edited and I haven't posted because I've been nitpicking the living daylights out of them. And the thing is, is to me, they don't look really like good videos because I know my energy is forced in them because I'm thinking too much about what I'm doing. And my favorite content of my own and my favorite content from other people is content where the person is just speaking from their heart, from their soul. They're being raw, they're being real. And you can feel that energy and it just comes across. You can tell they're not thinking about it, they're just expressing. So in times in my life where I've been been like that, where I've just been going with my flow, following my feelings present in my body. That's the times when my intuition got really loud. That's the times when my vision started getting really clear and my just joy for life was there, which it hasn't been there. I'm going to be honest with you guys, it hasn't really been there. It hasn't been where it's been before. So if you've experienced like the. The feeling of alignment and excitement and having a vision and feeling like you're being driven by a higher purpose and a vision from your alignment. If you felt that before and you lose that feeling, that's a horrible thing to deal with because you know how good it can be. You know what you're missing out on. Like before I just thought it was normal to be kind of meandering through life, making decisions for other people, feeling kind of half fulfilled, not really ever fully fulfilled, sometimes getting a fleeting satisfaction from external validation, but never really feeling that like that like, internal click of like, yeah, I'm doing my thing and I'm loving it and I'm present. So because I felt that, because I've had moments and fit, like, long phases in my life where I felt that the fact that I haven't been feeling it lately set me into a whole spiral. And I realized it car corresponded, it went hand in hand with me getting way too perfectionist about my things. And the perfectionism is sneaky because perfectionism can start as, like, just wanting to improve something, wanting to improve your business, wanting to improve your life, wanting to improve your health, wanting to improve yourself. And it starts as like a just genuine desire to want to improve. But then it can quickly spiral into an impossible standard where you're just holding yourself to these ridiculous expectations and if you don't meet them, then you're just paralyzed and you can't even take any action. And I gave, I think I gave this example before I gave it in my community. I shared a video about this a couple of days ago as I was realizing this. But you can get to the point where you're basically saying to yourself, if I am not Michael Phelps, if I'm not an Olympic level swimmer, I'm not going to get into the pool at all. And you haven't even done one backstroke, you haven't done one doggy paddle. And you're gonna stand there on the side of the pool saying, well, if I'm not Michael Phelps, I'm not doing it. And how the hell can you expect to become that if you don't even take your first dip, your first toe in the first bit of water? You can't. You cannot. So that's the problem with perfectionism. And the thing about perfectionism, the other thing that I realized is I wasn't going to go into a whole tangent about this, but it's coming out, so let's just go with it. The thing that I realized for myself about perfectionism, so I had. I. I was getting these visions right when I was feeling really good in alignment. I was getting these visions for my YouTube, for my business, for my content, just for everything, for my coaching. And I was then listening to opinions of other people and I was trying to tie in their opinions and, like, the standards that other people would have in this field and in just coaching in general with my vision. And then I was getting down on myself because there was a lot of boxes I was creating that I wasn't ticking all of a sudden. And the problem was I started focusing on trying to perfect all this other fucking shit. That's not my main thing. And what happened is I was here standing in my truth, standing in my alignment, doing my main thing that I meant to do, which is creating content from my soul, from my alignment, and focusing mostly on that and coaching, direct coaching with people and my community. Right? Those are my, like, that's where I'm in my element. That's where I'm in my zone. So I started focusing on all this other. So I, my energy started coming out, out of alignment. And then I started overthinking because I wasn't feeling that, like, that pop of like, oh, this idea, that idea, this video, that video. I started overthinking everything. And overthinking is a dream killer. It is the biggest dream killer you will ever come across. So I think it was supposed to happen for me, because what happened then is I ended up not being able to make videos. Then I was making videos, and like I said, I've got them banked. I've got five that are just sitting there that I, I, I don't love them. I don't love my energy in them. Might post some of them. I'll watch them back with, like, a clearer mindset and see if there's value in them. If I think it would help someone, I will post it. But, like, because my inner system was off, because my intuition was off, I. Normally, if I record a video, I can feel like, okay, someone's gonna resonate with this. My intuition will fucking tell me. Anyway, long story short, it led me to realize that I was getting paralyzed from taking action and making videos because I had. I wanted to regain that image in my head that I had when I was feeling the excitement. And I wanted to only show up as that image. Like, if I couldn't show up as the version of me with 2 million subscribers right now in my next video, I didn't want to do it because it's not good enough. So I realized during this whole, like, purging, I had a lot of negative emotions come up. I felt terrible. I realized, oh, my God, one of my dogs just has a leaf literally stuck on her head, these animals, and now she's looking for it. I cannot. I'm a new dog mom. I've never had dogs before, and they literally crack me up. They're hard work, though. They are. If you get, if you think about getting a puppy, be ready to work. No, this is so funny. She's literally, like, doing circles looking for it, and it's on her head. Oh, you Dumb, you stupid ass hoe. Okay, anyway, yeah, so I sat down with myself anyway and I was like, right, what is wrong with you? And why do you need a video to get so many views? Why do you need your video to be perfect? Why do you need it to be better than someone else's? And like it was getting into this vicious cycle where I really do care for people. I have a lot of empathy for people, I genuinely want to help people. And my initial energy with this channel was just like genuine, no, genuine, no expectations for anything. Just sharing from my heart what I've learned that's helped me through my trauma and my, and my limiting beliefs and my insecurity and everything like that. It started, it started funneling then into something about my worth, something about me being special, something about me being good enough. Like, oh, this is my thing now. So if I can be really, really good at this and if my channel pops off, then that's going to mean I'm special. Somewhere along the line that started seeping into this. So when this whole shadow stuff was coming up, I was like, okay, this is what's going on. Like, I used to learn information and take information in and read and everything with the genuine interest of helping myself and helping others, right? And now it's like, I still have that interest, but then there's another layer on top of that that my ego has come and slapped on and is saying, well, is that gonna sound impressive in a video? Well, if you, if you use this in a video or if you say this in a call, is it gonna make you sound really smart and impressive and is it gonna eventually mean you're gon most successful person in the world? I don't even know what the standard is. This is the thing about perfectionism and impossible standards. It, like when you ask yourself what is the perfection standard? Like, what would it mean for you to finally get it perfect? You won't even be able to quantify it because the bar is going to keep moving. Like you'll get there and you're going to feel exactly the same way and it's going to be the next thing. So when I even think about, right, my standard that I'm not meeting, that I'm giving myself over, that will finally make me mean that I'm like the most successful person in the world. I don't even know what that is. Is it 200, 000 subscribers? Is it 2 million subscribers? Even if I get to 2 million, like what then? Do you know what I mean? Like, it's Just endless. So anyway, that was a tangent but yeah my whole thing was where is this coming from? Where is this coming from? And I'm telling you this just so that you know if you've got a perfectionism tendency where to look. I realized and this, I don't know if this is going to actually reach anyone because this is really niche for my whole life I've been an all rounder. I've been kind of okay to good like at most things. If I studied hard enough I could be good at something. But I had never had anything that was like mine that I was special and like really stood out at. And that was always a little bit of a like pain point for me because I never knew what the I was supposed to do with my life. Never. Like everyone else seemed to kind of know. My friends seemed to know. They had. Everyone had an inkling me no inkling at all. And that always made me feel a bit like strange and weird. And the other thing is I've had times in my life where I felt like nobody gave a about me. Like I could die and nobody would care. And granted maybe those times were when I was a teenager mostly. So obviously there was teenage hormones involved in that. I genuinely think a lot of 14, 15 year olds have such a hard time because of hormones and yeah, it's just not spoken about enough how difficult that time actually is for some people. But as well as being a teenager I had a terrible situation at home at the time. Like it was so bad. And I also in school like my me and my friends were. I'm actually still friends with the same people I was friends with in school. But teenage girls are. And I was a as well. But we would basically take turns bullying each other like and I remember there was a long phase where it was like my friends were against me. I was the one that was getting picked on. I was the one that was weird. Like the season of the month was Katie's a loser. And yeah there was a guy that I liked in school and he was like trying to use me and then he rang me and was like laughing and broke up with me because I didn't, I didn't let him use me. And like my self worth was really, really low. But the biggest thing for me when I was around that age was I felt completely abandoned by literally everyone and especially my family. Like my parental situation was ridiculous. I was completely let down and betrayed by my parents at that time. So that coupled with my hormones, I basically I'm gonna just be so real and honest with you guys. When I was 15, I had a. I had a phase where I was being emotionally abused and I had no power, I had no control, I had no phone, I had no way out. I was just basically locked in my room on my own for extended periods of time and nobody was, it felt like nobody was in my corner. So that was a really hard time. And that time in my life, I identified, created this part of me that felt like she was worth nothing and nobody gave a fuck whether she lived or died and that she wasn't important and she wasn't special and nobody fucking cared. And that part of me is the part that craves perfection because she wants to be a special snowflake. That part of me, like when I was 14, that 14 year old version of me is, was still alive. She probably is still there, but I think I've calmed her down a little bit. But yeah, she was still alive. And what happened when I finally started finding something like that was my real joy and purpose in life, which is this work coaching. I think that part of me got all excited and said, well, now that you found your thing, you need to make sure that you're perfect at it and that you're better than everyone else. Because that way you're never going to be ignored again, you're never going to be treated like you're not important again. You're never like, everyone is going to know that you're special and it's going to be undeniable. So I can finally relax and I can finally have peace over what happened to me basically. So that's what my 14, 15 year old self, I think, was saying. And this is a whole realization that I had literally a couple of days ago. And since having that realization, I've had to become so honest with myself about what am I doing that's for that validation and what am I doing that's genuinely authentic to me? Because when I step out of my authenticity and I follow what my ego is pulling me to do, and I follow something that I only am following just to scratch an itch that my ego wants scratched, it never brings me fulfillment. And it's actually, I've realized how dangerous it is. It turns off my intuition when I ignore my authenticity, when I ignore my inner compass, when I, you know, put on a performative personality and I start doing all this and listening to all these opinions that I don't want to be doing and I know my internal compass doesn't want that, that's when stuff starts going so sideways in my life. So I had this, like, I really, this week, I was having roadblock after roadblock put in my path because I was continuing to think about, okay, well, if I just do these five extra things and if I just keep performing and if I just keep adding things, things on to my expression, to what I want to do. Like, I. I want to find a way to explain this to you with a visual or something. But it's like. It's like I came out of alignment. I came away from my truths, I came away from my values. I came away from my character. I came away from my why. Like, why I even started making content, why I'm even here on the same earth, what my soul is asking me to do. The I. I just kept coming away from that and kept coming away from that. And even though I was showing up on YouTube or even though I was showing up making content, showing up on coaching calls, I was so in my head that my why was more about me being special and powerful and successful than helping people, which is what really sets my soul on fire in a good way. So I was coming further and further away from my why. The more I was trying to perfect what I was doing and improve and put in these standards. And that voice, that inner compass, that is my soul speaking to me. That's my higher self. That's my intuition, that's my spiritual aspect that's guided me to the best things in my life. That part of me got real quiet and that really scared me because I, I literally, the impact that that has when it's off versus when it's on is insane, you guys. It's insane. So I didn't realize how much being connected to your soul changes your life for the better. And I know that sounds really obvious, but I'm going to give you some concrete examples here. This last couple of weeks now, granted, I've been purging things emotionally. Like, I've had so much going on, even my body, like, I. The way that I know there's a shedding and a shift of some kind happens happening is because I get vivid flashbacks of things that have happened in my life that I'd completely forgotten about. And I can feel the emotions as if I'm there. So it's like a processing, it's like a purging of things from my subconscious. My dreams are insane. My throat is sore, my jaw is sore. I have a phantom toothache. And I got my period, like, really early. And I've never once been a regular. So there's a Lot of shedding going on for me at the moment, but basically I had this realization around perfectionism, which I'm going to come back to that in a second. And then I was asking myself, okay, every time. I said to myself, every time from now on that you're making a decision or you're speaking something, or you're just expressing something, Anytime you're doing anything from now on, I want you to start catching yourself and asking yourself, are you doing this because of how it will look, or are you doing this because you want to do it? So I started doing that, and I started questioning myself and the amount of things that. Like, the. This whole performative personality that I didn't realize I was wearing is so subtle because it's so similar to my normal personality, but it's just a little bit different. It just carries a little bit too much about the wrong things. So, yeah, I started realizing that my. My motives were getting a little bit skewed, and there was distance between me and my truth in how I was showing up in the world and that I started linking that. That's what was probably making my life and my. My just everything was kind of going sideways, and that's what was making my soul become so quiet, because I was making decisions based on my logic, based on my fears, based on my traumas, and based on my ego's need for validation rather than on my soul's desires, rather than on love, rather than on faith. And so my soul's desires became real quiet. And then not only did that part of me become quiet, I started getting physical roadblocks thrown in my path, in my life. So this is the craziest thing, and I'm really hoping, if somebody needs to hear this, that this is going to be, like, reassuring that, you know, I'm feeling this as well. Because I don't know if anyone else has spoken really, about this, but there's one creator, actually. Leo Skeppy. I freaking love Leo Skeppy. He's talking a lot about his connection with his soul. So I feel like he's getting the vibe that I've been getting lately. I don't know. Is there something going on in the cosmos? I don't know. Okay. But I. I think I understand the page that he's on because I think I'm on that page as well. And I'm hoping if you're watching this, you're on this page. And this is gonna like, reassure you when you live in your head and not from your heart and your soul and your Desires, you are going to make your life so fucking hard. And my life has been very difficult to me. Not actually anything has been happening, but it's felt so fucking difficult and so strained and so fucking forced the last few weeks. And it's because I haven't been doing things that are true to me and my values and my authenticity. Because I had adopted this ego, false Persona to try and soothe these kind of insecure parts of me that were flaring up without me realizing that that's what I was doing. I was unconscious of it, okay? Now I'm conscious of it. So this resulted in me making decisions that like, okay, on paper they seem like fine decisions, but when my intuition is on and I'm connected to that part of me, that soul part of me, I don't make decisions like that. Like, I don't think things through and think, oh, well, this makes sense. Because of this, I feel into a decision and then I make it like this without thinking about it. And let me tell you, when you live your life connected to your intuition, connected to your soul, that part of you is going to be the part in the driver's seat. And things in your life are going to be fucking magical and effortless. You are going to go down a yellow brick road of fun. You are literally going to be on rainbow Road. You're going to have the time of your life. And this comes out in the most, the literally most nuanced little ways. So I'll give you an example. When I'm connected to the, that part of me, when my intuition is on, when I've got like my purpose driving me, when I've got, when I'm leading from my heart and like, really what means something to me, and I'm clear on that, and I'm in alignment and acting in accordance with my values, with my truths, and I'm, I'm leading with integrity in accordance with that, what happens is my intuition will tell me, okay, today you're going to get up, up a little later than normal. You're gonna need a little bit of extra sleep. And you're gonna go, instead of going to the gym, you're gonna go down to the beachfront and you're gonna take your book, right? And I don't know why, but I'm gonna have that feeling clear of day, clear as day. When I wake up in the morning, even though my routine is normally wake up, meditate, gym, if my intuition tells me, today you're not going there, today you're going to the gym. No, today you're not going to the gym today, you're going to the beach. It's not a question like, I'm at the point now. If I have that feeling, I follow it and it's a thread. So your intuition is a thread and you will pull it and it'll be a golden fucking thread that leads you to more alignment and to fulfillment in your life, doors opening up for you that you never even thought would be there. So for example, if I had followed that, if that had come up and I followed that, I'd go to the beach and there'd be something, something waiting for me at the beach. Either it be a perspective shift, an energy shift, a person, an interaction, something that I see there's something waiting for me there that I needed to see. Now, you will not go down this path and pick up all these nuggets that are going to bring you more into alignment and more into your purpose and more into your fulfillment unless you make the conscious decision to first start living with integrity and living according to, in, according to your truths. Right? And this is what happened to me. So I went from a life of flow, where literally I would wake up in the morning, my intuition would tell me, you're wearing pink today. Today is a pink energy day. I'd put a pink top on and it would really, really resonate with my vibe for that day, and it would make my whole day flow. I would know when to call a person. I would know when, when to cancel a call. I would know when to book a fly. I would know when to, to ask for something, when to not ask for something. You just know because you're nurturing that part of yourself by showing up and exercising your physical actions in your masculine energy in this world, to nurture your feminine spiritual energy. That is the yin and yang in perfect harmony. But when you're using your masculine energy in dynamic denial of that feminine intuitive side, you come all out of whack and things don't come in harmony anymore. You're then fighting in your reality. It's not going to be a flow. It's going to be a push. It's going to be a force. So this last week, now my other dog has a leaf on her head. Is this a game? Do I need to put a leaf on my head? So when my intuition was on and when I was living in accordance with my authenticity and my truths and my character, even when it didn't make sense, even if it like lost me money or lost me a friendship or anything, when I was following That I was getting ideas like, move to Spain, move to Marbella on your own. And when I started pulling that thread, all these magical, wonderful things started aligning in my life. So I know that this is. I know how good that can be. I know that that is where flow and freedom in your life exists. So when I started falling into the trap of operating from a place of, well, what does this look like? Well, will this get me this outcome? Will. Will this mean that I'm status xyz? When I started moving from my ego and from my logic and overthinking every thing, my soul intuition turned off. But also my decisions just became so skewed, so far away from my character, and they were resulting in physical roadblocks. Like, this week has just been such a wake up call on I. I, for some reason completely overbooked my Monday. So I have had. I had loads of calls booked on Monday and then the rest of the week, I didn't really have any calls booked. And okay, maybe, you know, that's not really my. My doing, but I did block out certain times in my calendar. Whatever. The power went across Europe on Monday while I was in the middle of my first call. So my whole day was backwards and upside down and I couldn't do any of my other calls. Okay, cool. Then yesterday I woke up in the morning and to be fair, my intuition was like, don't go to the gym. But my ego was like, you are losing muscle mass. You haven't really been lifting any weights lately, and you are not gonna look good. You're not gonna look powerful like that ego voice. I had gotten into a habit of listening to it. I'm just now realizing as I'm speaking about this, the problem was it wasn't even that my intuition wasn't there. She was still there. Maybe not as loud as usual, but the problem was she was there. Like, if I really think about it, my feeling was, don't go. But my ego was too strong coming in saying, no, you have to go, because that will mean you're this and that will mean you're that. So off I go. Guess what? The gym is closed because there's a bank holiday in Spain. The Spain take their bank holidays very seriously. Gym was closed. I was so annoyed. I was so annoyed. I. I really did not have the energy to deal with that. And not only was the gym closed, I had to get an Uber there that morning. And I literally sat there and I was like, oh. And I said to the Uber driver, I'm so sorry, can you bring me back. Because this was like seven in the morning. I said, can you bring me back? And she was like, no, I can't. And I was like, oh amazing. Okay, that's fine, I'll walk. So I got out and walked. And as I was walking, I was doing the walk that I used to do when I first moved here. And I was thinking to myself, what the fuck? Like what is wrong with me? I'm making the decisions that don't support me. And when I first moved here and I used to go on this plan walk, I would literally be frolicking down this promenade cuz it's beautiful. It's so, so gorgeous. I would, I used to listen to music and I'd be just so in love with life in all of my surroundings. And now I'm here and I'm just like eh, eh. And on paper my life is better, like much better than it was then. And it just really hammered home to me like the what you have is irrelevant. What matters is how you feel. And you're never going to feel good if you're living a life that's not in alignment with your truth and with your values. If you're betraying your intuition, if you're betraying your authenticity and you're feeding into your ego and trying to fulfill your ego's needs, you're never going to be satisfied. Because when I moved here I was just in my body like so happy that I followed my intuition and I was so connected to myself and really nothing else mattered. And I realized I really want to get back to that energy. So when I came home from that walk, I had this feeling like I need to get back to that, like I need to come home to something. There's something I've, I've strayed away from. And then literally I think it was the next day I went to my nail place. Look at the nails that I got you guys, they're silver. I always this, this is what was like waking me up to what was going on. My intuition. I went into my nail place. Normally I don't need to, I don't need to like look up any nails really. Sometimes I do, but normally when I go in and I sit down on the little chair, my intuition, something inside me would go, you want blue nails this month? The vibe is blue. I normally get a vibe, you know, I was getting no vibe. I was there. She was literally looking at me like I had 20 different options, they were all completely different. So I went it just do chrome, silver. I don't know, just do chrome silver. Now that I am vibing with them now. But, like, the indecision, it took me so, so long. So I started to realize, okay, something is off here. Something is really off. Like, why am I battling with myself? Why am I arguing with myself? Why can't I just get a feeling and go. Then I decided I was gonna go shopping. I got to the shopping center, which is like the other side of where I live. Closed. Closed. So this is the thing. I keep getting turned around. Shit keeps happening where I'm having physical roadblocks thrown in my way. So this morning I woke up. That was yesterday. This morning I woke up and I went. All I could hear was, turn around, turn around. I'm being turned around because I've been heading in the wrong direction. I've been worrying about the wrong things. And they're things that don't matter to me. The things that are not going to bring me fulfillment. They might bring me more success. They might on paper, they might bring me more money. But the fact that I was feeling more. More fulfilled, more aligned, happier when I moved here. And I was just like when I made my first couple of YouTube videos and I was just in my zone of, like, wanting to just share for the love of sharing and not caring, not letting my ego come in and hijack my purpose. The fact that I felt better then and I'm richer, I'm skinnier now, I'm. I'm in a better living situation. I've got puppies. Like, it just goes to show that that stuff doesn't matter if it's going to come at the cost of you coming out of your alignment and mine hasn't. I've been very lucky that mine hasn't. But what I'm saying is you living according to your truth matters more than anything. And it's going to bring you more than any ego desire of yours ever will. And I'm having to learn this. I don't know, I won't say the hard way, but I'm learning it. I'm definitely learning it because God damn, I was in a trench there a few days ago. In my experience, the perfectionist is born of your ego because your spirit, your soul, that divine part of you is perfect and is whole. I have experienced both. So I'm telling you right now, when you follow your intuition, your feelings, without letting that ego, that insecurity, that logic come in and talk you out of things, you're gonna feel unstoppable, untouchable, unlimited. You're going to be emanating an energy of openness and love and clarity. And there's going to be no lack of and no imperfection in your expression because it's coming from your soul. And that is your truth. And your truth and your authenticity is the closest thing to perfection that you will ever actually get. Your ego's idea of perfection is the one that's going to make you feel like. And your ego is the one that's going to hijack your authenticity because of some standard, because of some insecurity, because of some past void that you're trying to fulfill now with these false ideas of what's good, with these false ideas of importance. Nobody gives a. And the thing is, you could literally get the thing that you think is gonna make you perfect, is gonna make you finally perfect enough that you're gonna be important. Important whether it be your appearance, okay? You get everything right in your appearance. You lose the weight, you get the nose job, and now you're perfect. Guess what? You still feel the same. Why? Because you've trained yourself to feed into this pattern of thinking that makes you feel like. And your pattern of thinking is, I will be good enough when I will accept myself fully when I have to keep doing things to prove that I'm good enough. If you've trained yourself to view yourself as never good enough. If you've trained yourself to not accept who you are in the present moment, that way of thinking is going to stay with you no matter what changes happen externally. I'm not saying don't better yourself. I'm saying you can accept yourself fully right now where you are right now, wholeheartedly embrace yourself where you are right now and still make changes and improvements from that energy. And those are the changes and improvements that are going to really fulfill you, that are going to actually bring you success, that feels good to you, that is aligned with you rather than reactive change, rather than change because you hate yourself, that's never actually going to fulfill you. And this is a lesson that I don't want you to have to go through. I don't want you to get to the point where you get everything you ever wanted, because it's depressing. Like, I initially, when I started manifesting everything I ever wanted, I felt amazing. I was like, oh, my God, this is so cool. This is sick. Like, wow, this game is amazing. I've pulled myself out of so much in my life, and I'm able to have all these beautiful, wonderful things. When it started registering to me that it was happening, I was so Excited and I was amazed. But when the dust settled, that pattern came back in. Because the pattern stays until you interrupt the pattern. No amount of. Of shifting things in the external can interrupt that pattern for you. You have to change the way you're thinking. You have to actively change the way you're thinking now or else it's going to remain the same over there as it is here. And if there's one thing I wish I could put on a T shirt, it's how you feel here is how you're going to feel there. Unless you take control of how you're thinking about things right here, right now. The only thing that you're gonna have to the day you die is your relationship with yourself in this moment. That is the only thing you definitely guaranteed are gonna have till the end. So you should be prioritizing that. You should be nurturing that. And you should definitely not be discarding yourself because you haven't met some fucking criteria or some standard yet. Do you know how cruel that is? Do you know how you're gonna spend your whole life doing that? Because when you get there, it's going to be a new standard. And you get there, it's going to be a new standard. You're going to spend your whole life withdrawing your love and validation from yourself and never even. Never even knowing what it feels like to be present and in flow because you're not allowing yourself to accept yourself fully right now as you are. It is never going to fulfill you. Your ego needs you to think like that. Your ego is feeding off of this pattern, but your soul is dying from this pattern because you've got a whole avalanche of creativity, of passion, of light, of love to share with the world of connection that you're supposed to have of flow that you're supposed to enter. You're not going to access that when you're living from your ego and your fears. It's going to just get in the way of that magical existence that you could have. So accept yourself now. Ask yourself, why do I need to reach this impossible standard? What am I getting from this idea of this perfect image, this perfect version of myself? What will I actually achieve if I get there? What's it going to actually mean? What's it going to actually fix? What's it going to actually heal? What void inside me is that actually going to fulfill? Figure out why. Where you think, where your ego thinks that's going to heal. Like what void is that going to fix? Go to that part of you sit with that part of you and let them know, like, hey, you don't need this. Whatever happened to you, I'm sorry, but you're good enough. You don't need this. That's a false perception and it's not going to fulfill you. Instead, let me just let you know that whatever made you think that you're not good enough, it wasn't the case. It doesn't have to mean that anymore. The past is not the present. You need to go to that part of you, validate that part of you and give love to that part of you. And then that need for that validation is going to die. And then you're going to be able to relax out of your ego, out of your insecurities, out of that, like forcing things in your life just to feed that ego machine inside you. And you're going to actually be able to follow those feelings and your intuition. So that's what I've been realizing this past week or two. Most of you are going to maybe segue the. That part, the shadow work part. Like the part of you that created your ego self and created these like addictions of your ego and attachments of your ego to looking a certain way way to appearing a certain way, to achieving a certain thing. And until you. What the hell is that? Oh, it's the leaf. Until you soothe those parts of you that really were hurt and really feel like they need these things to be healed, you're gonna end up chasing things to heal that part of you forever. And it's never going to be healed because that doesn't heal them. You sitting with those parts of you, with your perspective now and validating those parts of you is what's going to heal them. And I have a meditation on this in my community. I'll leave the link below if you want to go and do it. It's a shadow work meditation specifically for this. That's amazing. But you can even just journal on this part of you and just close your eyes and imagine this part of you and imagine giving them love and reassurance and telling them the past is not the present. You don't need to keep chasing this thing because you are actually good enough. Everything else is just made up. When I fell into this perfectionism trap and this cycle of putting more and more expectations and pressures on myself and then feeling worse and then putting another expectation on myself because that will fix it. And then feeling worse and then another one. The more I came into this vicious cycle, the more suffocated I was feeling. And this led to me having just like an overwhelming feeling of pressure that led to me actually sabotaging on one area of my life, which is my diet. And I'm not on a diet, but I, I tend to eat very healthy. Just, it's part of my identity now. I like eating healthy foods, I feel better. It's just better for my energy, that's a truth of mine. But because I was suffocating myself with, with all these false, false standards and false goals that weren't really resonating with me, I needed something to release that pressure of all of this that I was putting on myself. I needed to do something to let off some steam. So I ate some chocolate and I ate a kebab and I let loose. Cuz I was like, I need a release, I need something, I need to let go of something. So I let go of that. And now that I'm looking back at it, I'm like, really what I needed to do was let go of all this, like all these bullshit standards and ideas that I was placing on myself just from my fucking ego. That's what I needed to let go of. Because when you're in your alignment, when you're really operating from your desires and your truths, it's easy. It's easy. Life is easy even. I was forcing myself to watch content that I don't normally watch. I was forcing myself to read a book that I really wasn't enjoying and I was forcing myself to just keep reading it. And now looking back at it, I'm like. That was all coming from my ego because of like something that I wanted to gain that would add to my status or like make me, me seem more intelligent or something. Like what? Like your feelings told you to that you don't like this so why are you doing it? When have you ever like, when have you ever been fulfilled doing that? I've never been fulfilled doing that. It's never led to good things ever. I did that. I did a whole law degree. I spent 26, 27 years doing that. And it gave me nothing but heartache and depression and anxiety and more feeling not good enough and more perfectionism and more looking for validation and achievements and external things. It never fulfilled me. So I don't know where I went off track there. But for some reason this had to come up and come out because I didn't realize this is the thing, the perfectionism, it is sneaky. It starts as just a genuinely good intention. But notice when you start forcing in your life from a place of status, from a place of ego, from a Place of trying to gain something that's going to add something to you, to your status or materially that really doesn't matter to you, start calling yourself out on that stuff. Because I was like, I opened up that book yesterday and I went, girl, what the are you reading this? I don't want to read this book. Like I didn't want to be consuming the content that I was consuming. I didn't resonate with that like there was a creator I was watching who I've never resonated with that. I was forcing myself to watch and I was like, why am I doing this? Why are you doing what you're doing? That's the question you need to ask yourself. And it's very actually easy. Once you get into the habit of saying, well, what the do I I want? What does my body want? What does my intuition want? Let me go and do that. Cuz once you start doing that, you're going to realize how rewarding it is. You're going to realize how freeing it is. And you're going to realize how your truth and your authenticity is the most powerful place for you to be. It's the birthplace of your dream life. Nowhere else is. You can't be forcing in fear and ego and expect the outcome of that to be a life of alignment and flow. The that input does not equal that output. So you're gonna waste your life looking for the purpose and alignment, enforcing ego actions. What do you want? Even if it doesn't make sense, what do you want? What feels good to you? Follow that. That's, that's my plan from now on. That's what I'm doing. Because that's the other way. I've tried it. I've tried it again and I've tried it again and I can safely say it doesn't fucking work. You do not need to prove anything to anyone. You literally just need to be yourself. Another thing I was doing, I reached out to someone for a coaching for myself and I felt in my body like I don't feel good with this, I don't like this. And I was trying to like talk myself out of it, being like, oh yeah, well it's just like that person is doing a sales process and that business and yada yada. And this morning I was like, no. Like no. I didn't feel like it was right for me. I didn't feel like it was aligned for me. And I'm not gonna do something and invest in something unless I have a full body. Yes. For it. And that is how you should be acting as well. Stop trying to talk yourself into shit because you're talking yourself into, away from your truths. Figure out what you value. Figure out what really matters to you. If you could wave a magic wand and if you could have your life your way and design it your way, what matters to you? If no one was perceiving you, what would matter to you the most? And who do you want to be? Like, character wise, how do you want to make people feel? Like, what kind of light do you want to be in the world? This is the stuff that you need to get clear on and this is the stuff that you need to live by. No matter what's happening externally and no matter what anyone else tells you. Like, I've even had people give me advice for business stuff and like, different things I should be doing. And I've been trying to like, force myself to think about it and to do it this way and that way. And I've just realized I've been making decisions that like, I don't, they don't feel resonate. And sometimes it's like, okay, you need to make decisions that are going to stretch you and are going to grow you from like a business perspective or whatever if you need to gain new skills. Like, sometimes there are decisions that feel uncomfortable because they're growing you, but sometimes there's decisions that feel uncomfortable because they don't align with you. So when you know there's something that you're doing just because someone said it was good or someone said it would make you money or whatever, ask yourself, is this actually aligned? And if the answer is no, don't do it. Because in the long run, the payoff you're going to get from following that is going to be a thousand times more than whatever reward you're going to get for like forcing this logical thing that on paper looks good. It's never, ever, ever worth it. You cannot go wrong in your life if you're following your intuition and your truth. I promise you, you can't. In fact, I would argue it's the only way to access the freedom and expression and abundance that's meant for you. Following that truth, it's the only path to really unlock that, like, vault of everything that really is destined for you. The more I, the more I do this, the more I stray away and come back, the more I know that to be true. And I know it to be true because I've lived in that state, in that flow, in that like not giving a. What anyone else thinks or says and really just following what I want. And I'm telling you, that is heaven on earth. Nothing outside you matters when you're living like that and everyone can access that. That's when things that don't make sense logically start aligning. Like opportunities, ideas, everything, like connections. Everything starts aligning when you're in that energy, when you're like, okay, but does this resonate with me? Does this align with my truths that is magnetic to everything, that's actually meant for you? I really invite you to join me. This is what I'm doing now. I'm questioning everything, and I'm asking, does this align with me? Like, is this resonating with me? Is this how I want to do it? Especially when it comes to business? But even just like, I was scrolling this morning on social media, and I was like, this is all fake. Like, it's all fake. It's all people in their, like, ego Persona talking about that. Nobody like it. What? Like, none of it is real. And everyone is just saying things to sound a certain way. And that doesn't resonate with me anymore. And I was doing that. So after my little social media detox, I went on TikTok this morning and I was like, what is everyone fucking talking about? Like, why? Why are you saying that? I know that you're not being your real self. I know that you're putting on a performance right now. And I looked at myself then and I said, well, you're doing the same thing. So then I asked myself, well, don't. Like, if that doesn't resonate with you, why the fuck are you doing it? Stop doing it. So I'm stopping doing it. I'm not performing anymore. And I invite you to do the same because that's how you're going to drop into your real self. And authenticity is the ticket to your dream life, not anything else. I know people who've performed their way. They've put on this, like, performative personality, and they've performed their way to extremely successful businesses, like very, very wealthy people. And they're not happy. They're volatile, and they don't know who they are. I know people who seem so charismatic, who seem so successful, but they feel lost and they feel terrible. Why? Because they spent their whole life performing and not being. And I refuse to be one of those people. And I invite you to join me on that because it's exhausting and it's not the way we're meant to be. So I'm gonna leave it on that note. I felt like I had one more point but it's gone so maybe it just wasn't meant to come up in this video. I hope this video helped. I really hope this lands on whoever's feed Needed to hear any of this and needed their their intuition validated needed that push to just follow their feelings and follow their desires. Nobody knows you, nobody knows your strengths and nobody knows your intuition. People can only give you advice that they would give themselves. So take everything anyone says to you with a pinch of salt and know that you are the one who has the answers. You are the one who's going to carve the road to your dream life. You're valid, you're whole. You're worthy. Do not listen to your ego, to your insecurities, to your doubts. They're literally just there to hold you back. You've got everything you need to create the life of your dreams. I hope this video helped and I will see you in the next one.