Sitting With Hard Emotions Instead of Fixing Them

Hi, I was just eating an ice cream and I just wanted to talk to you guys heart to heart. It's just getting to the good bit. Hopefully my dog doesn't bark too much. I was going to make a video today on the whiteboard Super well planned out, super well thought out, and that was just not supposed to happen today. It hasn't been happening for a little while now, and if I'm being totally honest with you guys, I have had the most chaotic few months of my life, and one thing I'm not available for anymore is forcing Content. You can feel it when it's forced. You can feel it when it's not authentic. I can feel it when it's forced and it's not authentic, and I have like an obligation internally to never be inauthentic. So whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, for better or worse, I can't force a video. So behold, you're getting me today as I am, and as I have been recently in the last couple of weeks. I've not been feeling like my full, powerful, empowered, fierce self. In fact, today I'm quite sad, and the hardest part of being sad today Is that I have no idea, not an inkling, as to why I'm sad, which is why I'm eating an ice cream. Usually when I'm doing like shadow work or purging or I'm dealing with difficult emotions, I ask my inner child what she wants and she always wants ice cream. No. So I'm like half dressed. I'm in my pajamas with a shirt on over my pajamas. Okay. So yeah, recently I've been going through another shift. I have a suspicion that it's another form of awakening, if you want to call it that. Although that word, I feel like we use that just to make ourselves kind of feel good about feeling like shit and like there's meaning to it, which actually does have a healing effect. So it's actually a positive thing. To do. But I'm at a point, you guys, where I have achieved everything that was on my vision board. You know, I've maxed it out already. I didn't even have a million subscribers on my vision board. I had like 100,000. Always it was the, the silver play button. Um, went on like my favorite podcast Won the school games. The number I had written for my community was 300 people. There's 300 people in there, 310 or something. My passive income goal, I've hit that. And I've gone through the first stage of awakening, which is moving out of powerlessness into empowerment and understanding that you're energy, your vibration, is creating your experience of reality, and then taking control of your energy so that you can begin to control your reality. And in that first phase— I don't know if I'm fully out of that phase yet, I'll let you know when I have more clarity because I don't want to give you any mistruths or make any sweeping statements— but in that first phase You're really concerned with getting what you want, so desire is really high. You're, I want, I want, I want, I want the car, I want the house, I want the relationship, I want the success. You want things because you're coming from still being pretty rooted in the ego self. And you're coming from a place of— it's essentially an awareness where you only really know that the way you're going to meet your emotional needs is through changing things externally. That's kind of like the lowest hanging fruit when you're moving from a place of lack and powerlessness. Which was me. And it's funny because sometimes people watch my videos and they're like, how would you know? White blonde woman, which is fair enough. I do have certain privileges and I grew up in Ireland, which you can get free college education. But no, I was definitely in a victim mindset. You guys don't get it twisted. I didn't start out like the Buddha, like a prince with it, living in abundance. Like I grew up in a council estate. Yeah. And I had really challenging relationships with one parental figure in particular that caused a lot of trauma. And in any event, I wound up in a state of powerlessness in my life and in a state of severe misalignment because I had a lot of insecurity. I didn't really know who I was. So naturally, the first phase to get out of that state is to start waking up to the fact that you have the power to change your life and change your circumstances. And you start leaning into that. You start realizing, hey, I'm not gonna continue to stay down. I'm not gonna continue to be a victim. I'm gonna make shit happen. And that is such a beautiful phase to be in. So just because I'm going— like, I'm gonna list maybe a few phases, or maybe just 2— there's nothing that's better than the other. It's all like a chosen part of this journey that we're on here together. But it's such a beautiful phase to be in, to start waking up to your power. And the feeling of desire, like desiring certain things, wanting to achieve certain things in your external reality, is such a beautiful thing as well. Because secretly, deep down, you don't know it at the time, but deep down, when you're desiring something— so for example, I desired 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. I probably have chocolate on my face this whole time, but we'll just roll with it. I desired 100,000 subscribers on YouTube. I just had this like strong feeling of desire. I didn't know why I had this strong feeling of desire. I just had the strong feeling of desire. Secretly, in disguise, your desires are actually pointing to you Where you have unmet emotional needs internally. So you typically want things, outcomes, achievements in external reality in order to meet your internal emotional needs. And that is where the feeling of desire is created. It's created from the perceived lack of something within you. So for me, getting on YouTube, there was a sense of like proving something to myself and to the world. And I always felt like I had kind of a depth to my awareness that other people maybe didn't understand. And I always felt like It could be of value to people. And I was also made to feel like that was silly and impractical and not really valuable because where I, you know, the ideas that I grew up around was like the traditional route of go to school, go to college, get a real job. So I trained to be a solicitor and all of that. And so me doing this really non-traditional route, there was that ego chip on my shoulder that was pushing the desire. This is why contrast is such an experience, like such a beautiful thing. You experience contrast so that it can amplify the feeling of desire for what you do want. You experience what you don't want so that it can push you in the direction of what you do want. And yes, that might be coming from an ego state of consciousness, but there's nothing wrong with that because it's, it's awakening you in the process as it's developing your awareness as to your power. To make things happen and make things materialize. So that's absolutely fine. And it, for me, I had this like fire in my belly where I was like, all my suffering and all the resources that I had turned to on YouTube and videos that I had watched and the lack of like good explanations. There's some that are amazing and I'm so grateful for certain teachers, but there's so much that just is so confusing. Yeah. Because I experienced that pain and that suffering, I had this, like, really deep desire to provide what I felt like was missing for me. And so, even though in phase 1 of waking up to your power, of ascension, whatever you want to call it, even though you are wanting certain things to perhaps fill a void that you once felt internally, It's still a beautiful process. The problem just comes in when you actually start achieving these things. Oh God, the problem comes in when you actually start achieving these things. And it's not a problem. I mean, it's a beautiful thing to manifest things into your reality. And I've had immense moments of Joy and appreciation and gratitude and like pinch-me moments. Like when I was in LA— guys, sorry, side note, I just saw my nails. I know it looks like my wings have been cut off, but I'm learning to play the guitar, so sacrifices were made. You're like, who is she? I've had extreme moments of joy and appreciation and Long periods of just being in the flow and building and creating and manifesting and being just in awe that all of this stuff is possible for me. You you go through that for a while and it's super enjoyable, and then you start to level out and realize that you're kind of just continuing to move the needle on the achievements. And it's not necessarily the best or most sustainable way to find happiness and fulfillment, even if they are very aligned projects and missions, because you can't keep placing your fulfillment on getting what you want. 'Cause you only get what you want for like a moment and then it's gone again. And then you want something else. And when you keep getting what you want and getting what you want and getting what you want, it gets to a point where you don't really want anything. And that is where I'm at right now. I think there's something going on with the energies, with the eclipse, with the— I don't know— Lion's Gate. My Saturn is returning. I'm about to turn 30. I've had a crazy busy few months. It's just been weird energy, but I feel so drained, which is partly because I've just been around people a lot and I am an introvert and I've just been doing so many things around people. So that's normal and that's fine. But also just like, I don't have, for the first time in a long time, a big vision. Or like a set clear goal that's really lighting a fire under me because I feel like I have everything that I could ever want and ever need. And I think I'm getting to a point in my awareness where I can no longer use the wanting of things externally to run from myself. Or to soothe parts of myself, or to meet the emotional needs of certain parts of myself. This whole journey, this whole path, this getting into alignment with my purpose and my truth has completely stripped me bare. It has stripped me bare. It has shredded away every single aspect of me. That is not really me. It's made me look at the most random stuff that has happened in my life that I totally forgot existed, that was still making me insecure or feeling inadequate or feeling like I wasn't special or feeling like my voice didn't matter or blah blah blah blah blah. There's nothing like getting into alignment. Just shred away all those aspects of you that are illusory. There's something I wrote in my phone that I want to read out. You don't awaken in the comfort zone. So I've been reflecting on like why we get triggered, why we go through these peaks and troughs, why we have to hit these low points. Because I'm so aware of the fact that I'm teaching so honestly, and I'm sharing with you guys, I'm in this like funky weird energy today, but I'm teaching so transparently that a lot of the process of manifestation is you set a goal to achieve a particular desire, you realize you have to become the energy of that desire now, so you actually have to meet whatever needs internally that you're trying to meet with that desire externally. And so typically you end up purging and releasing and doing shadow work and healing work so that you can actually vibrationally align with that, with your desires, that by the time you get it, you don't even necessarily want it so much anymore, which puts you in perfect energetic alignment with it because you have healed the part of you that so desperately needed it because you've worked with them directly. Right. And I was reflecting on like, why so many ups and downs? Why so many? Why so many downs? And I ended up writing this in my notes: nobody awakens in the comfort zone. Adversity is the door to awakening. And then I wrote down, that's why you keep getting dragged out of— line by line— that's why you keep getting dragged out of the comfort zone, to keep awakening. Deeper and deeper. Oh, okay. So it feels like this train is moving and I'm on it and I'm not going to get off it and I can't resist it. I just have to feel it. Because if you resist it, you start experiencing an unnecessary amount of suffering. And it's like the first phase of spirituality is like spirituality light. It's like you don't have to go so deep into the dark, into the shadow. And then you hit that threshold where you realize that wherever you go, there you are. No matter what you achieve, there you still are. And you really, really start to realize that The external reality is not going to make you feel a damn thing. You could be in heaven, you could be in paradise externally, and you could be living in hell internally. And for a while, you might have to chase things and want things and want things and chase things and get things and achieve things. As part of your awakening journey in order for you to realize this, in order for you to finally get everything you ever wanted and still not be that happy so that you could finally set yourself free. And everyone wants freedom. And people think, and I thought, that freedom will be found in having a certain amount of money. Yes. And yes, you have certain possibilities available to you, obviously, when you're financially secure versus not. And perhaps that's what you need to ascertain before you can really develop internal freedom. But, you know, there's billionaires in this world who are literally in prison internally. And true freedom is not wanting anything, not needing to change anything, not chasing anything, not dwelling on anything, not wishing for anything to be different. Just being totally okay with what is, even if it's sadness. And this is, this is where I feel like this is like the next phase. I've been sitting with my emotions, and normally by now I would have transmuted it and come out the other end swinging. But I really feel like I'm being guided to really surrender and not look for the answer on the other end, because that's another layer of surrender. It's like in the back of my mind I'm like, okay, I'm feeling this sadness, but it's to serve a higher purpose. I'm trying— like a little part of me is still trying to bypass it. By saying like, okay, trying to intellectualize the sadness and go, what is it? What's the deeper meaning? How is it going to serve me? And how is it going to empower me coming out the other end? And it's like, that's still resistance. So I feel like I am being invited to go deeper and deeper into a sense of surrender where I'm like, to the point that I'm like, can I be okay with myself and with being if the sadness is here? Yes. And I don't know why it's here and I don't know when it's going to go away. That's deep. That's hard. It's difficult. So it's not that I don't, I don't want to keep serving and creating. I absolutely do, and I'm going to. It's that I don't need to. Use my platform or whatever else to serve parts of myself in any way. So it's crazy because even when I look back on some older videos, I can see how they were actually self-serving. Even though I was serving you guys and thinking about you guys as well, that was serving me. That was healing me in a way. That was allowing me to. You know, meet the parts of me that needed to feel useful in order to feel valuable, and all these little nuanced things that— I don't know, I feel like I'm being forced to give it all up now and just really surrender and really be. And I do believe— My dog is digging a hole in the garden, but we're gonna let her be. She needs To go on her journey, that's her journey. I do believe that at the other end of this is going to be like a deeper layer of connection, of teaching, of authenticity, of creation and serving. That's going to be free of my ego and my needs and my wants. Which is really exciting. I'm not allowed to rush that process. What if I could? So there's no doubt in my mind that I'm going to keep creating, but I feel like I've just been like, ever since that retreat in March, my energy changed. I feel like I tapped into like a bigger, broader aspect of myself that was beyond my ego. And then the call. That came to change how I'm creating and what I'm, what I'm building and leading and serving for you guys. But I've just been sitting in the uncertainty of what that is. I don't know what it is yet, cuz maybe there's certain things that I need to sit with and I need to feel before I get that clarity. And I don't want to keep making decisions From a place of like partial alignment or almost alignment. It's not even that I don't want to. I feel like at this point I can't. So for example, today, maybe in the past I would've— oh, the birds have gotten really loud. Maybe in the past I would've taken the whiteboard out anyway and pulled myself together and kind of pushed myself to make a video. Well, I'm not supposed to serve that way anymore. That's serving you from the solar plexus, the state of consciousness of still basing some of my value on my achievements externally, still loving myself conditionally, perhaps loving others conditionally. Now I have to create from the energy of pure authenticity, pure truth, whatever that is in the moment, unconditionally, without judging it. And I think that by doing that, and I hope by that, by doing that, I give you guys permission To meet yourself more unconditionally, to love yourself more unconditionally, to be with yourself rather than running from yourself. This— I'm finding it difficult to articulate the depth of, of what this is because I've never experienced it before. Like I said, this is different. You know, I've been through purging and I've been through different things, but this is like there's no running. There's no nothing to do. I am being forced to just be with all of myself, with everything. And goddamn, it hurts. And it's weird. And my ego don't like it. My ego don't like it. My ego, my ego wants to be doing things. Like, this is the thing, you guys. I We all get like this where we beat ourselves up for not being our most productive selves or whatever, not creating at the level we want to create, not executing on the to-do list that we made 3 months ago. And it's like, if you could, you would. You would. If your energy, especially if you're someone who's like sensitive to your energy and you need to feel that alignment before you do something, God love you if that's the way that you are, because I know what it's like. If you had the alignment, the energy, and the clarity, you would do it. Like, you don't have a problem taking action. So berating yourself into being disciplined and getting things done, if that worked for you, it would have worked by now because you've probably berated yourself for long enough. And so why not try being with yourself instead? So that's where I'm at at the moment. I'm being challenged into deeper layers of acceptance than I have ever known before, deeper layers of authenticity than I've ever known before. You know what I did today, you guys? The first time ever, I did like mirror shadow work, and I stared into the mirror, into my eyes. Oh my God. Into my eyes and it was awful. It was terrifying. I literally, I felt fear, panic, sadness. I actually don't recommend it yet. I'm gonna do some more research on it and how we can do it safely, and I'm gonna give you guidelines on whether you should do it. It's really, it's a really trippy experience. I don't really recommend it for everyone, so don't go and do it just because I I've said it, because what happened to me was I kind of went out of body, which I used to have a lot of out-of-body experiences when I was younger. It felt a little bit like that, but I didn't go all the way out where I'd get so scared looking at myself and I'd be like, well, how did I get here? Who is that? Um, there was a bit of that, and then I started to come down and, and really just like— I was there for an hour. It didn't feel like an hour. Wow. I was there for an hour. Um, but I was, I was sending my consciousness into my reflection and really asking like, what are you feeling? Da da da. What's coming up? And my reflection kept making this really sad face, even though it felt like my face wasn't making that face. I could see in the mirror just this sad girl, this sad face. And I was like, oh. Okay, you're sad. And I'm not— I don't know why I sat there for an hour. I don't know why. I don't know why she's sad, but I'm gonna accept the sadness. I'm gonna accept that I don't feel inspired right now. I don't feel productive right now. And guess what? You're not supposed to feel those things all the time. There are seasons for inspiration, there are seasons for introspection, there are seasons for just existing. Like nature has its seasons, so do we. This idea of balance that I'm obsessed with and have been obsessed with my whole life, I'm learning to just throw that out the door because you don't see nature trying to balance summer and winter. No, nature is like, fuck it, it's summer! Sun, scorching heat, sweating, long evenings. And then it's like, fuck it, it's winter. So I guess my conclusion from this is, if you are in winter internally, stop trying to make yourself summer. Let it be winter, my love. Let yourself feel it. Be with yourself. The ego is deeper than I think we realize. The layers of the ego and the layers of the self, they're like cloths that are wrapped over the essence and the light of consciousness that is deep within you. I'm So let's say you're like this lamp, right? You're this lamp, you're this beautiful gorge lamp, just this pure light that is Source. You're a little portion of that. Wow, it's beautiful. It's whole, it's love, it's truth. It's one with everything from our perspective. Let's not get into that. And when we experience moments of, like, joy and bliss and wonder and awe, it's because we've connected to that. We spend most of our lives disconnected from that because we've got these, like, really thick lampshades around that light. We might have, like, hundreds of them, and it's all the layers of the self and the layers of the ego that get built up and up and up and up and up over time. And the only way to start piercing through those thick layers is to be totally honest, totally present, and totally non-resistant. And when something like sadness comes up, you don't put it over there. Away from yourself. You invite it into your being. It has to be integrated, accepted, allowed. You might not understand it as you're doing that, but eventually, once you accept and allow, something fully. After you do that, eventually you will understand it. You will understand it, and you will be able to harmonize it and alchemize it, which is a beautiful power. That we all have. So anyway, I'm long finished my ice cream, guys. I'm sending you all so much love. I'm not, uh, going anywhere. In fact, I'm going with the flow wherever this is supposed to take me. I am absolutely doing my best to just totally surrender to it, but this, this train is rolling. It's left the station, and it's gonna roll where it needs to. I'm gonna end up creating exactly what you guys need me to create. I promise you that. I'm not gonna speak too soon. I have some inklings on what that is. I bet you guys do as well. Yeah. Remember that things, external things, are nice. And if you're in a phase of wanting things and getting things, enjoy it. You know, I look back at a year ago, a year and a half ago, when I was like, had that fire and I was like grafting and I was making the vision boards and doing all this stuff. And I was so at moments down and focused on, I don't have it yet, which obviously is a repulsive vibration to your manifestation. Manifestation, so I never stay there for long. But I actually wish I could time travel back and go, yo, this is like a hero's journey, what you're doing right now. You're waking up to your power. Enjoy this process. This is amazing. And I guess future me will probably look at me here and say, you're learning to unconditionally be with yourself and love yourself. Enjoy the process. All right guys, gonna leave it there. Big hugs, so much love. I'll see you in the next one.