The Truth About the Growing Pains of Levelling Up
Creator Elay Amitay Halevi delivers a first-person monologue about the continuing difficulty of personal growth despite reaching many past goals. She describes moving from long-term depression to a life that mostly feels good, yet still experiencing cycles of self-doubt when old parts resurface. Central claim: growth involves repeated cycles including the ‘death’ of an old self, but the pain can be reduced by balancing a healthy masculine structure (routine, disciplined action) with feminine flow (intuition, play, presence). She uses recent travel and high-energy ‘flow’ experiences in Italy as examples, traces how loss of routine weakened her supportive masculine shell, and walks through a belief-rewiring exercise (identify limiting belief → evaluate truth → propose alternative). Practical advice: maintain supportive routines, allow rest and play, avoid forcing or over-controlling, notice when you are ‘‘forcing’’ vs doing disciplined work, and remind yourself of past wins to build self-compassion and confidence. Tone is candid, vulnerable, and motivational; intended for weekly sit-down content and republishing as a podcast episode.
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Hi everyone. Welcome or welcome back to the channel. So I haven't been on YouTube in a little while. I haven't just been sitting on my ass, okay. I've been working. I have been creating a new format and just a new vision for content and for coaching and for everything. So all will be revealed very, very soon. I'll get into it actually a little bit in this video about what I've just been doing and why. I essentially have decided that I'm going to be doing two styles of content and one style that I think is really important is literally just this sitting down and talking to you guys once a week. So this like sit down style video where I'm literally just chatting with you guys about different things, sharing what I'm dealing with, what I'm struggling with, or what I've struggled with in the past, like realizations basically that I'm having that I think could help some of you as well. That style of content like this video is going to also be posted on Spotify on my podcast, the Cosmic Creators Podcast. So I actually set that up a few months ago and when I transitioned to like whiteboard videos and like going into deeper concepts and stuff, I kind of. Obviously there's no point posting a whiteboard video in audio format on Spotify. So the podcast got a little bit lost there. But we're bringing her back. Because I really had a long and hard think about like what helped me the most. Like what type of content has actually impacted me and not even impacted, but just helped me while I was growing and changing the most. And it's a mix of content like this, like just raw, honest content and then also more like educational style content. So that's kind of my plan going forward. I think the value of content like this is, you know, you can listen to this. And I just know there's going to be some people who hopefully, because I'm getting a really strong intuition to do this, resonate with what I'm going through. And I'm going to be super raw and super vulnerable with you guys about everything I'm dealing with week to week. Because like hearing that someone else, like hearing someone put words to how you're feeling makes you feel validated, makes you feel that's crazy and makes the thing easier to deal with. And if I've got a solution, I'm going to share it with you guys as well. Okay, so, so my dogs are running around outside as per. So if you see me glancing over here, if you're watching the video all the Time, that's why. But yeah, this week I want to talk about like five different things. Let's just see how it comes out. But the main thing I want to share is that growth is painful. Changing your life is painful. And I've recently realized that I'm standing in so many things that I used to dream about. Like, I literally am living my past self's vision board. And I still have times where I struggle. Like, I still have phases where I feel like what I'm doing is not enough, where I feel a lot of self doubt, where I feel not good enough. And I just want to like, validate you and let you know that it is difficult to grow and change your life. And one thing that I've learned through doing all this inner work and changing so much in the last few years is if you're going to keep growing, you're going to have to keep going through cycles of transformation. And one of the phases of those cycles is the death of the old self. And that's always been painful for me. It's gotten less painful the more I've become aware of it. But it doesn't mean that it's not still painful. Like, it still fucking pisses me off when I feel self doubt. And honestly, the more inner work I do, the more annoyed I am sometimes when this stuff comes up. Because I'm like, when is it going to end? Like, when is my soul's evolution going to just be done already? When can I relax? So just to give you some backstory, I literally went from living in depression and hopelessness and despair 99% of the time with like a 1% glimmer of hope and like, oh, maybe this thing could be for me, maybe my life could get better to Now I, like 90% of the time I'm in like a good energy, but 10% of the time I'm overtaken completely by my old self and self doubt and like negative emotions. What's so crazy is I'm standing in all the things that I thought would mean I'd never feel a negative emotion again. And I still feel the exact same emotions sometimes that I felt before. Now, granted, they're usually not as intense, they usually don't last as long. And I have the awareness now to know that that emotion is just like one part of me, it's not all of me. So I don't spiral as much as I used to. But the thing is, those emotions are still there. And now I have to face the fact that it's not anything external and I know I talk about that a lot, but. But I'm living it now. Because when you're in a reality that you don't like, when you're in a reality where you're not in a good relationship, you don't have enough money like you, there's all these things externally that you feel like you're lacking, you can kind of point the finger at those things subconsciously and say, well, when I'm more financially secure, I'm going to be perfect. When I'm in that relationship, everything's going to be perfect. And I'm telling you, as someone who's now financially secure, which I never thought I'd even get here now in a very secure, loving relationship, which I also thought was impossible for me for the longest time, I'm not perfect. Life is not fucking perfect. I'm here and like, yes, everything in my life is amazing and it is everything I used to dream of and I'm. I wouldn't change any of it for anything, like at all. But I still have days where I'm fucking pissed off. I still have days where I'm insecure and I still have a habit of setting new standards. As soon as I arrive in a goal, I set a new standard, I set a new vision. And it's like, oh, I see how far away I am from that thing. And then I start focusing on all the things once again, on all the things that I don't have, rather than on what I do have. So I guess my issue is I'm trying to balance right now, which I think I'm getting there because I felt really bad about this kind of more yesterday and a little bit this morning, but not so bad today actually. So it was more yesterday that I felt really bad about this and today I feel a lot clearer balancing how to have a growth like vision oriented mindset with being present and grounded and grateful naturally. Because I don't want to fucking force a feeling of gratitude that is not gratitude to me. I know what it feels like to feel that naturally. So this is the other side to this, right? I know how it feels to be in flow. I know how it feels to be in awe with life. I know how it feels to be in love with life, to be grounded and to feel like I need nothing because I have felt like that. And I made a video about not being fake and stopping pretending and stuff. That week I literally, for two weeks after that was in the best energy, or for about a week after that I was in the best energy. So I Flew to Florence the following week and I was in the airport, you guys. And my. I was so relaxed. I was so in my body. I had let go of control so much that I just felt like I was completely in flow and just present and in love with myself and in love with my life. And so many synchronicities were happening. Like, I felt like I was just playing this game of life. And like, everything was just so done. And I'm not joking, you guys. Like, I went to bed, I had a couple of days where I was obviously in some really like, high state of consciousness. I was going to bed and I felt like the cells in my body were like vibrating. Like, I. I've felt this a few times, but it's literally such a fun feeling. You feel like anything is possible. And because I was in this energy of just absolute love and awe of life, I felt like I could spark up a conversation with any person at any time. I would find something to speak about. I would be connect with them and help them and look them in their eyes. Like, even on an airplane, which is an inherently stressful environment, I was like, peace and love, everybody. I was sitting there. Not out loud, obviously, I'm not a fcking weirdo. I was like sitting there in this energy of like, oh, I'm sending love to everyone. Like, genuinely, though, not that fake. Like, I really was just like, if someone wants to talk to me right now, they can. I hope that person beside me is okay. Like, if someone started coughing, I'd be like, jesus, I hope their cough gets better. Rather than normally be like, shut the up. I'm trying, trying to sleep, right? So I was just in this open, fun, playful energy. And like, I went to Pisa on my own for one night and I was talking to people way more than I normally would. I was able to like, joke and laugh and have interactions more than I normally would. And I just felt so free and so amazing. I think I'm figuring this out by the way while I'm talking to you guys. So this is really, really, really good. So I had a few days. Oh my God, I just figured it out. Okay, so I had a few days of like, high on life, just amazing energy. I went and met my family in Florence. And then obviously being around them, I was more conscious of like, their energies and like, I was doing things with people all the time. So I was kind of picking up on, like, we were in conversations and stuff. So it became more difficult for me to just stay in that, like, la la land that like, really really high consciousness state that I was in. And because I was so busy doing things for two days straight, like back to back tourist activities, I was genuinely just tired. So the flight home from, from Pisa, wherever I flew from Bologna to Malaga airport, I was not in the same like high vibration energy. Like on the flight, on the way over, I literally felt like I was one with the moon and the stars and I could visualize and be excited about life and I just felt like anything was possible and just carpet dm. I felt so free. I remember I actually wrote in my notes, I was crying because I was like, I feel so free. Like for the first time in my life, I registered the amount of freedom that I've created for myself and how my past self literally used to dream of this. So I was able to appreciate where I was fully. Basically, I was able to enjoy where I was fully. I was able to enjoy all the inner work that I did that has paid off and has given me so much freedom. And then anyway, I come back from Italy, I come home, my energy has shifted and that's fine. Energy shifts. It comes up and down, in and out, but my energy shifted and it hasn't been like in that high vibe, grateful state just naturally since it's been almost there but not quite there. And I think there's two things that are making that annoying. First of all, I'm just comparing how I feel to that now, which is not fair because every emotion, every feeling is valid and, and like all emotions are messages. So me just saying, oh, I should feel like this, that's just gonna make me feel worse. I instead want to look at, well, why do I feel differently now? And I just realized it while I was talking to you guys, it goes back to masculine and feminine energy at the core of it. Like, if I really think about it, right before I flew off to Pisa, I had created a shell of structure and masculine energy in my routines. I was waking up every morning. I would, I woke up meditation, gym. And then I was like getting myself outside my comfort zone by doing new things with my content. I was, I took a few actions that I've been putting off and, and very key thing that shifted my energy, I, I had let go of trying to be fake and trying to pretend and I had let go of this kind of old version of me that I didn't feel was very authentic. And I stopped putting so many expectations and restrictions on myself. So I did all of this. You can see it in my, in my video about pretending like that was when I Had that breakthrough where I was like, holy, I need to just let all this stuff go and just be who I am. And. And it was following that that I started getting into this really, really good, positive, powerful, honestly, energy. And so I think what changed when I went to Italy is obviously I came out of my routine. I was engaging 247 in pleasure, which is fine, but that shell of masculine energy that holds up and supports your feminine energy, which is your flow, your intuition, your creativity, like that playful energy that I was in at the airport, that shell got weaker because I wasn't in my routines, I wasn't in my healthy masculine energy. And the thing about masculine and feminine energy, this is going to turn to a seminar and I don't want it to because we're supposed to just be having a conversation. But I'm going to tell you guys what I just realized. The thing about masculine energy is, okay, if you're not focusing on what you can control, if you're not doing the things that you've been avoiding, like if you're procrastinating and avoiding, you're gonna end up using that masculine energy, which by the way, is your left hemisphere side of your brain. It's your logic, it's your like conscious decision making in the physical world, it's your actions. If you're not using that side of you to like support you and nurture you, you're gonna and focus what you can't control. Sorry, you're gonna use that instead to focus on what you can't control. That's wounded masculine energy. So right before I had this big breakthrough that led to me being like in this big flow state and this high consciousness energy, I basically had gone into a spiral of trying to control all these things that were not mind to control. And then I spiraled into perfectionism, then I spiraled into overthinking, and then I spiraled into like all these things that essentially is just wounded masculine energy. So the way that you start to fix that is by letting go of what you can't control and focusing more on what you can control. Like doing things that you know you're putting off and then calling yourself out on all the things that you're holding on to that you can't keep holding on to. So I have started doing this with myself and I feel like I'm really about to break through with this. And this is like going to be the end of me getting into these cycles. Because, yes, I want to continue to grow. And yes, growth is getting easier and easier, but I don't want to be manifesting in any experience of growth having to be painful if that's not absolutely necessary. And I don't think it is necessary. Like, I think I've done so much growth now that 99% of it can and should just be enjoyable because I'm very aware of what's fucking happening, right? So it was most painful when I was unaware of what was happening. When, when I had nothing and I had no evidence and I had no confidence in myself and I was getting triggered and I didn't know what was going on. That's when growth was most painful. But now I know how everything works now. I know I've already grown so fucking much and I can trust myself. I think it should be more of an adventure now than a struggle. But what makes it a struggle is when I start controlling shit, when I start overthinking sht and hyper analyzing and then trying to predict and worry about things. And that, that ends up burning me out in my masculine energy energy. My feminine energy switches off and then I lose my divine compass, which is like my intuition and my flow and my feelings. So I come out of my body, my flow, my just inner knowing that kind of guides me through life and I can like shimmy through the airport and see all the possibilities and all the opportunities. That is like your life force energy. It's like you're, you're, you're get up and go. It's like your pizzazz, you're lost for life. That is your feminine energy that turns off when you've not got a healthy masculine structure to hold it, but it also turns off when you've got too much structure and not enough play. So it's the yin and the yang. I did a whole, I did a whole workshop on this in my community. Go and watch that. Honestly, that is amazing. That workshop I did. And this is what I'm talking about. Like I'll get so in my head and so like in thinking into what I need to do next that I don't realize the, that I'm doing now. Like I can't even believe that's me. I can't even perceive myself properly. And how like all the things I'm doing I didn't think I could ever do. So the feminine energy turns off when you don't have that masculine, healthy masculine structure to support it. What do I mean by healthy masculine structure? I want to get granular about this because this is a note to self as well. It is keeping in healthy routines healthy like Habits. And by healthy, I mean things that genuinely nurture you and support you, like, authentically, not some that you saw on Tick Tock. Stuff that you genuinely, you know, is going to support you and your energy and your vision and your goals or whatever else. Having that stuff in, but not overdoing it and burning out to try and fill some kind of void of worth and to overwork. Right. Overworking is also a sign of wounded masculine energy. So it is that balance. You need the structure, and then you also need the space and the rest to let your feminine energy come out and play. And I think the reason I've been struggling on and off with growth and with change is because I get really intense about my vision. And when my feminine energy comes on and comes on strong and gives me all these really big sexy ideas and visions and my imagination comes to life, I get so excited about that that I immediately want to, like, get to work on it and I want to make it happen. And then I work, work, work, work, work. And then I have no balance and I burn out in my masculine energy. And then my feminine energy turns off. And then I wonder, why am I in my head? Why can't I hear my intuition? Why don't I feel good? Why am I feeling into my body and being present in the moment? It's because I think I might have been carrying. You're going through this with me. This is like a journal entry. I think I've been carrying this belief when my feminine energy comes up and turns on that, it's temporary to feel that good. Oh, my God. Holy. So stop. That's it. This is. These are for me, actually. This is really good reflection for me. Holy. So as I was in this really, really good energy in the airport, I remember thinking, oh, I better make the most of this. Why would you think that if you knew that that was just your natural state and you could tap into that whenever you could? I had some sort of scarcity mindset around this energy that I was in that it wouldn't last. So this is pointing to a core belief that I have to suffer to grow. Oh, my God, I have goosebumps. Okay, together right now, we're gonna go through the belief rewiring process and I'm going to rewire this belief. Because if you've got this belief, you can rewire it with me. I did not know I had this belief until just now. So logically, even when I think about this, I naturally just did the belief rewiring process in my head. But I'll Explain it to you. You want to first identify. So what we just did there was step one. Identify, identify when you have a core limiting belief. I realized just then that I had a core limiting belief because I thought to myself, why do I behave in a certain way when my imagination and my drive and my vision turns on really loudly? Why do I behave in an almost manic and panicked way? It's pointing to a belief that I think this is going to run out, that there's a lack of this thing within me, that it's only going to be temporary, that I can feel this good and that I can have this like clarity and this imagination, that I'm not going to continue to have it and that I'm going to enter a period again where I might suffer again. So I need to do this now. I need to overwork. I need to do 14 hour days right now to do this right now before I lose it basically. And okay, is this true? Right. Step one is to understand it. Do. Does part of me think this is true? Yeah, I do. I think, I think a little bit of it is true actually. Because when I get a vision for something, when I get like an intuition for something, I am able to get into flow state with it and I'm able to birth a lot like in a very short period of time and get so much work done because it's like I'm channeling it and it's just coming out. So I think it is important to seize that clarity when it comes to and to let myself be in flow state and birth that creation when it's coming through me. But the problem is not that I'm allowed to be in flow state. The issue is whenever I feel that flow state wearing off and my body is calling for rest, I keep forcing through and trying to like create this thing and work on this thing and it's coming from an energy of like fear that I'm going to lose it. What can be true instead? This is the next step in the belief rewiring process. Well, what could be true instead? It could be true that I simply just need to rest. It could be true that if this vision is really meant to happen, it's going to happen and I'm not going to have to burn myself out and work myself to the bone and start hustling to make it happen. It's possible that if I rest, I'll actually reset my feminine energy and I'll be able to come back into whatever it is I'm working on with the same clarity. If not more clarity and more drive towards the vision and more like more intuition, more imagination, more everything that also is possible. And I think that's more true. So what you've just witnessed is me rewiring the way that I've been approaching my intuitive downloads and my masculine and feminine energy. I mentioned at the start of this video, like growth is painful, but I actually don't think it has to be as painful as I made it be. I think in times it is painful to shed your past self, but what makes it more painful is continuing hustling in your logic and overthinking and like holding onto things too tightly. That's what makes it more painful. And the truth is your intuition is going to be the one that gives you the nuggets, gives you the clarity, gives you the vision to make it a whole lot easier to succeed and grow. So I know that because I've realized this week. So I think what I need to do is displace any remaining notion that it has to be a struggle and realize that allowing myself to flow actually helps me to create things that are so much fucking better and so much more aligned. I'm trying to find the words to explain how this is like appearing to me in my mind. Essentially you want to think about your feminine energy as a, as God and then you want to think of your logic as just a regular human being. You trying to figure things out in your human being mind and force your way through things all the time is never going to bring as, as much impact, as much like abundance, anything as you thinking from your God mind. So you should really be doing everything that you can to stay balanced in your masculine and feminine energy so that you can tap into that God creative energy within you more and more, like on a daily basis, I think is the goal. And I think a part of me believes that because I spent 26 years of my life burnt out in survival mode, burnt out in that logic, in that hustle, in that masculine energy. I think part of me believes that I can't let go of it more than I already have because I've already let go of it so much. Part of me probably thinks like this is as good as it's gonna get and I'm just gonna have bursts of like that flow state in my feminine when actually now that I've just talked it through with you guys, I think all it's going to take is a very slight energetic shift and a realization that I can be balanced. I just need to pay attention to when I'm Trying to control things too much when I'm trying to force things too much and become very strict with myself about not feeding into that and just allowing myself to rest and let something go. And trust that my intuition, trust that my life force is going to come back on when I give it the space to do that. And I keep my routines in, in place to do that. Because the other thing that's been happening, oh my God, the other thing that's been happening, and I'm just realizing this as well, is that I, when I get too burnt out with my masculine energy, when I get. So this is literally what happened. I was forcing a lot, like forcing way too much. I let everything go, I let myself play, I let myself rest. My feminine energy came back on with full force. I was able to visualize, I was able to create, I was able to kind of float through life feeling really just playful and fun. And then I lost my structure, I lost my routine. Then I was trying to hold onto it with logic. I was trying to like regain the vision. I was trying to rethink the vision into existence when it never came from my head, that masculine energy, it came from my body, that feminine divine energy. So that was the wrong way to go about it. So that made me burn out more in my masculine energy. And now here I am and I'm like, okay, well now I need to just fcking let shit go again. Like that's literally what happens every single time. If you know that your intuitive like flow state, spiritual side, you know that it's better to be tapped into that, you know that you're going to be able to move like multi dimensionally and quantum shifts to the things that are meant for you. When you're tapped into that, then you know it's worth it to let go. As soon as you start feeling yourself forcing because that's your human mind and, and that's not going to figure out the most divine path for you. So I'm going to hold my hand up right now and I'm going to say when I feel myself forcing, I'm going to drop it. And I think I've struggled with doing that because my lines are blurred between what's forcing and what's just like hard work. And I literally spent my whole life forcing up until recently. So it's so hard to trust the flow when it's not what your program is. And I think everything that's happening right now is to teach me that I can let go. And when I let go, the most amazing things will Happen to me because when I look at my life, the times that I felt the best, the times that the most magical, seemingly miraculous things happen to me is when I've just thrown caution to the wind and said fuck it and I let go and I just came into my body and started playing in life. And one thing that I keep saying to myself that I'm going to make a habit of is in the morning when I'm in the shower, what if I were to just let go of everything? What are you worrying about right now? And what would actually happen if you just let it all go? Probably nothing. So don't hold it. It's blocking your divine aspect from turning on and helping you play in this game of life. You. There's a, there's a story on this actually in the Bible. It says in the Bible that you should cast your burdens on the Christ within you, basically. So essentially it means you need to cast all your worries, all your fears, all your doubts, all of these things you hold in your conscious logic mind. You have to cast them out of your mind and just give them up, surrender them to a higher power because those are a misuse of your energy and you're violating spiritual law when you're occupying your mind with worries and predicting and trying to figure out how things could be when they're not really yours to figure out. And you're never gonna figure them out. So you're blocking your good every single time you do that. You're blocking your good every single time you dwell, every single time you worry, you hyper analyze, you try to predict and control. You're blocking your good because you're literally blocking your flow state, your intuition from turning on and from guiding you to what's best. You're blocking that divine channel from moving through you. You're standing there in your worries and you're standing right in the way. And you're never actually even going to figure it out. You figure it out as soon as you let it go and you won't have to be actively figuring it out. It's going to be figured out all of a sudden and it's just going to be presented to you like this. Oh, this is it. The more you let go, the more you flow, the more magical things happen. So right now it's all about finding that balance. Because I did let go and I did have a magical few days and then I got back into a little bit of forcing again. So this is me holding myself accountable. As soon as I start forcing, I am going to put My weapons down and let go. And this actually led me again. I'm going to be so honest with you guys. This led me again to start feeling quite stressed. And because I was trying to control things a little bit too much, I started going off track with my diet again. So I'd be like trying to hold on to things so tightly all day and I'd be trying to have like a perfect diet. Perfect, perfect call with a client, perfect this, perfect that. By the time it reached 6pm I was so done with being perfect. Yesterday I had white bread with cheese on it. You know, I do not eat, I don't eat that. I do not eat that. But I needed that release yesterday. Why? Because I was holding on too tightly. And the release that I really needed was letting go of that control and allowing myself to just flow through life a little bit more. So having my routines that support me, but also having my space for fun and rest, allowing myself to get into flow state but not trying to force flow state when it's gone. That's what I'm focusing on now and that's how I feel. I'm going to start balancing these energies more so that growth doesn't have to continue to be painful. Because I've lived my whole life basically in these cycles of transformation that have been excruciating, liberating. Yes, got me to my dream life, yes. But oh my God, some of those cycles were so painful and I don't think they need to be as painful as they have been. I think I could have accelerated so much of my progress if I had just let go more, if I had just trusted more. And now I've got the. I've got the upper hand in that. I have evidence that this works, right? I'm not who I was a year ago. I'm not having to scrape the bottom of the barrel to pay rent. I'm not wondering if my purpose is even for me. I've ticked off all these big, massive burdens and I've been able to heal so much that was blocking me from living in this life that was once a fucking dream. I've been able to show myself that I'm capable of things that I never fucking thought was possible. And I've had literally miraculous things happen and come into my life. My relationship, for one, my dream relationship came out of thin air when I followed my intuition. So I've got evidence that that, that works, that everything can work out for you in your favor if you start moving in that energy. So I'm going to Trust that. And I'm going to start leading with the energy of things working out better than I could have ever imagined, but not forcing it. And if I feel a bad emotion, I'm just going to let myself feel it and not try to conceptualize it and make it make sense. Because that also keeps me stuck in a cycle of overthinking and self doubt. And I'm just so over it. Okay, so practically, what are we gonna do? We need the masculine shell, the structure, so you can't be engaged in too much pleasure. That's how I came out of my, my good energy. Initially. I was out of my routine. I was on my holidays, I was eating everything, like all the ice cream, all the everything, living life, enjoying myself. But my feminine energy, that intuition, that like drive as well, that all kind of went away and turned off because I was engaged in far too much pleasure. So you need to be having a routine that supports you, that's consistent. You need to be putting yourself outside your comfort zone, which is why I've changed where I'm filming some of my content. You need to be pushing yourself to do things that you're like your, your soul is calling you to do, but that you might feel really afraid of that are really unfamiliar to you. You need to do that stuff because that really helps with your drive and that masculine, healthy, healthy masculine energy. The healthier that masculine energy is, without forcing or pushing it too far, the stronger your feminine energy is going to turn on and fuel you. So feminine energy needs masculine energy. Masculine energy needs feminine energy as well. So it is the yin and yang. So rest, play, presence. All of these things are so important for the feminine and just surrendering, going with the flow. So from now on, I am going to strive to keep all of these things in my routine. Not a season of pushing myself so far out my comfort zone that I get completely burnt out. Not a season of relaxing way too much and having way too much pleasure that my masculine energy turns off. And I don't have motivation for everything, but a balance of both. A balance of both. The last thing that I realized this week is how much we forget our strengths. And this is something if you, if you're going through a time where you're, you're having a bit of a battle, you're overcoming some inner demon or something, you're, you're having to level up or something like that, it's really helpful to remind yourself of times in the past where you have overcome something that you did not think you were able to overcome. Like something that seemed so impossible and insurmountable to you, how it now would be so easy. It's so important to remind yourself of these things because we have like a default setting where we fucking delete that stuff. So when I went yesterday, I was kind of spiraling, being hard on myself yesterday because I was in this mood and I went on my camera roll and I looked back on my first kind of couple of YouTube videos and I just had this overwhelming gratitude for that version of me because I was shitting myself and it was so hard. But that girl had to walk so this girl could run. And I went on and I watched a video that I recorded on my phone from like the 15th of February. And like my voice was so quiet, my throat chakra or whatever was completely blocked. Like there was obviously a big blockage there about expression. And I was, I was so, like just closed off and scared and shy. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't pace myself in the video. Like, I found it so difficult. And then I watched my video from a year later and I was like, oh my God, I did that. Like, I became someone who I never thought I could become. I overcame all these little tiny hurdles and little tiny internal battles to become this person. So this next phase, this next step that I take, no matter how hard it is, I've shown myself that I can do difficult things. I've done it. So just reminding myself of all the strength that I've already have to come as far as I fucking come, which is so far, made me feel so much stronger and so much more just self love and self compassion as I move through forward into the next chapter and the next kind of unknown. And that is your secret weapon. Having yourself as your best friend, like standing fully in your corner as you jump into the unknown is gonna make such a big difference. Like, just knowing that you're strong enough is so, so powerful. And if you don't know that, then do what I just said. Look back on the past, look back on all the things you've already overcome and realize if you can go that far, if you can overcome all of that, then this next little phase, this next little period of growth is going to be a cakewalk by comparison. Like, I don't know about you guys, but the growth that I went through, the changes that I've gone through from the age of like 16, 17 up until today, like over the last 10 years, is insane. And I had to be so strong. I had times where I was so alone. I. And I had nobody but myself. But those dark days were the times that I became the strongest. And sometimes just reminding yourself that you single handedly pulled yourself out of a trench that you never thought you'd get out of is all you need to remember that you can handle whatever's in front of you right now. And then some. Bring it on, sister. Bring it on. That's all for this week, guys. A little bit of a ramble. Thank you all for listening and for helping me work through that block. I hope this video helped. If you're listening on Spotify, leave me a rating. I think that's how it works. And yeah, I look forward to speaking with you all next week. I hope you have an amazing week. Love you all so much and I will see you soon.
