129: Preparing Doctor Owners Emotionally

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Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of DSO Secrets. I'm your fearless host, Emmett Scott. Today is one of my favorite topics. It's going to be with Chelsea Myers, who's the founder of Dental Life Coach. And one of the reasons my favorite topic is, if you all know me well, we talk a lot about business strategy and executive leaderships and finance. And Ken Kaufman does such a great job of digging into those level of details. We've got it. Things we have to solve. Marketing, things we have to solve. But the reality is this is a human experience. The reality is most of the breakdowns that happen at a company level happened way before at a personal level first. So anytime we can kind of open up behind the curtain here of leadership and get into some of the emotional components, I think that that's critical. And you know, with deo, they've got this great growth model. If you haven't seen it before, I'll share it on the DSO Secrets Facebook site. But you've got you as the main pillar or one of the three pillars that you're trying to move from anxiety to confidence. You've got your team, you're trying to move from chaos to momentum, and you've got your business that you're trying to move from fragile to unshakable. It really all starts back at you moving from anxiety to confidence. And of course, as soon as we get to a level of confidence, then we grow the business again and we're back into some level of anxiety. So, Chelsea, welcome to DSO Secrets. So glad to have you here. And welcome. Maybe start off by how did you end up as a dental life coach? That sounds like very specific. It's kind of like cryptocurrency, right? It's like now a dentist cryptocurrency, but dental life coach. Like, what inspired you to say, hey, there's an opportunity here that I could really bring value?

Yeah. Thank you. You know, early on in My life. When I was a teenager, I went through kind of a traumatic experience. I came home from school one day and found some extra family members in the home and they were there to let us know that our dad had passed away in a fatal car accident. And, you know, that was really a difficult experience in my life and led me to look at self help books and talk to therapists and really learn a lot about how to heal from that situation and be really intentional about the way that I was thinking so that I could do the things I wanted to do rather than letting my external factors dictate what I did or how I felt. So if you fast forward a little bit and you get into my early professional career, I'm at Wells Fargo bank and I'm heading some projects and I started with this one group and this manager came to me and she said, now, good luck with this. This is going to be an interesting experience. I wasn't really sure what she meant because it seemed like a pretty straightforward project that I was rolling out.

Anytime your boss says, good luck with this, you know what? One thing you know is there's going to be a lot of human elements associated with it.

Right, right, right. So, so I'm like, huh, okay, this seems straightforward to me, but, but thank you, thank you for the good luck. You know, I didn't know if it was a vote of confidence or a warning at that point, but I'm getting into this project and I'm realizing it's not the tactical parts that we're putting in place. It was that these are seasoned professionals who had a way of doing things and a mindset around how things should be done and what doesn't need to be done or impact them. And so I kind of started realizing that there were some similarities, like, hey, this external stuff, the changes we're putting in place, the initial discomfort of trying new things, this is the bottleneck here and the approach to those things. It's not what we're putting in place. And so I started reflecting on what had helped me in my past and kind of putting, together, as I roll out each new piece, how it was going to present it in a way that was empowering to these professionals as well. Like from a, from a mindset perspective, from an emotional intelligence perspective.

Yeah, it's that moment in time. All of us as leaders realize that our knowledge and like tactical skill has become completely useless. Like, it got us to a certain level, it got us in the room, right? Oh, you know this. Oh, you're capable of this. Great it doesn't get us to any level of implementation because all the rest of the doors are some kind of emotional obstacle. Right. That when you really boil leadership down and the ability to influence and we find ourselves going from like a students on technical tactical things to like F students on emotional intelligence and influence.

Yes, yeah, yes, exactly. And it was like, you know, ultimately these processes we were putting in place, we're going to make these individuals lives easier and their jobs more efficient. But it was that discomfort of changing from what was familiar and what had been being done for so long. It was almost like we would choose the discomfort of the inefficiency over the discomfort of learning something new completely.

It's the WNO type strategy, right?

Yeah. And we all go through that. I think we all have faced that at multiple times in our lives. I know I have. And so as I'm putting things in place and realizing this is going to be at least 50, 50, the tactical thing we're putting in place and the development of these professionals on a different level, on an emotional level. One of my peers from another group, he was another manager, was like, hey, what are you teaching these people? Because they could just. He said, I can tell we're all talking about it. The morale of that group is just changing. The efficiency is changing, the energy is Chang positively. Yes, it was positive. Yeah. Yes. He's like, what are you teaching them and can I learn it too? So I was like, well, sure. And so I kind of went through with him and started meeting with him on what I was teaching them. Kind of in sync with, you know, I would do it over here and then say, hey, this is what we're working on here. And I developed a system of self improvement, self mastery and kind of overcoming limiting beliefs in your own, in your own genius so that you could break through and be even more and do even more of what you're wanting to do.

Is it fair to say too that in the banking industry it doesn't attract a bunch of people who love change? Right. Maybe dentistry has some parallels to that.

Yeah, for sure. And yes, absolutely. I remember, I remember one lady saying, you know, I've been doing this for 20 years this way, I don't know why I need to change. But as she was making those changes and working on this other piece that I was trying to implement, she just got lighter and she was, seemed happier. And the group just. That was the general experience, was that as the changes were implemented and as you kind of wiggle away from what had been so familiar, you move into something that's even better. And so, so yeah, this other manager wanted to learn it. He learned it. He was really impressed with the improvements that made in his professional life. And then he referred a dentist friend of his to me. And that was my foot in the door in dentistry. And at this point, you know, I've still got a 9 to 5 job in finance. I think that's where you and I met. I was at Wells Fargo bank in Texas and. And this dentist friend of his wants to learn the same things. And I'm going, wow, like, to your point, it is very similar. There are these ways of thinking and getting things really accurate and being really good at what you're doing. And at the same time, in order to advance, it requires a level of, and I know this is not a popular term, vulnerability, to become aware of where we need to change and become more adaptable.

And so Renee Brown made us all open to vulnerability. We're good with that.

She's still criticized for it, but I'm on board 100%.

Well, and what you're saying, and let me see if I pick it apart too, is when you go to influence others, when you go to have that place where you're going to need them to open up in vulnerability, it's going to push a bunch of buttons on your side too. Because I'll tell you, Chelsea, one of the things that I think somewhat of a disservice to us as business owners is a lot of the books that are written around entrepreneurship show a very alpha male, female type Persona. It's got the Steve Jobs. You're going to go in there, you're going to tell them what to do, you'll have a very clear vision. And I think some of us get really nervous when one, maybe that's not our communication style. Right. To yell at people or whatever it might be. And number two is we're not that clear. It's not like I know the next 10 things everyone in my company should be doing. And so then I start to doubt my capability, if that's what I'm supposed to be as a leader. Is this some of what you end up seeing? I don't know. As I look at the DEO's growth model and I think of anxiety, these are things that bring me anxiety that I'm trying to overcome to get to confidence is how do I influence my team and how do I get confidence myself that I'm a good leader.

Yeah, I love what you're saying here. So I see. I think there's two big things that you're talking about. The first is knowing all the things in advance, which is a myth. I don't. I mean, you can read all of the books in your book. You touched on this. I know I've done it in my life where you just start inhaling as much information as you can, thinking that that is what is necessary to have the confidence you need to move forward. And at the end of the day, we each got 24 hours at least a couple of them have to be involved in sleep. And so you can't get everything from there, I think. So when we're looking, it's again looking to that external piece. Like if I have this information or if once I have this growth experience, then I can be confident. I really think that's backwards. It's got to start with I'm confident because I know that even if I fall 10 times, I'm falling forward, I'm getting up and I know more now about what not to do or at least what part of it does work. And you've got to rely on that piece of confidence to move you forward. And so it's like with each step you might get more clarity on the next step rather than having all 10 of them in front of you.

Yeah, I like what you're saying. Basically, this is an inside out job.

Yes.

Right. And when we first start, and I talk about this in my book, as you mentioned, as we move from like ace clinician to entrepreneur, oftentimes we perceive entrepreneurship as I've got to learn all these different industries and to some degree you need kind of some working jargon around that. But then we can stay on that path for too long and think, okay, the answer to all my problems is I'm going to learn all the technical pieces of marketing, finance it, and then maybe we hit this wall and we're like, that's not attainable 24 hours a day. Some of it has to be in sleep. Got it. Okay. So that means I'm going to have to lead. Who am I to be leading? I don't know everything. Right. And now some of, some of this anxiety and lack of confidence kicks in. So let's suppose we'll just do a role play right now, Chelsea, let's suppose I'm that leader. Like, maybe I'm the one that, like my dream was to have X number of locations. My dream was to get to this revenue. Maybe the problem is I've achieved that. Maybe it's harder than I thought it was going to be. And now I've, like, lost confidence. Like, I'm kind of like, chelsea, I don't know what I should do. Should I just, like, sell? Should I tell my team I'm just terrible and they shouldn't follow me, you know? And you, you don't lose it. And tell me if you see this to be true, Chelsea. You don't lose it just at work. You lose it, like, in your marriage, relationship. Like, it can, like, domino very quickly, right? Like, holy smokes, I don't have anything together.

Yes.

Yeah. And I think that in your lap. Take care of that for me, Chelsea.

So there's lots and lots of pieces, but I guess what I'd want to know is it's not so much that the goal needs to change. I see a lot of people, particularly in dentistry, come and say, you know, I'm just not even sure if dentistry is for me anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I've now attained some ownership, and I thought that was great. And like you're saying, I don't know what to do anymore. So now you, with your multiple practices and your marriage falling apart, it's not necessarily that your goal of attaining that, that income stream or that number of practices needs to change. It's what you were expecting it to do with you, for you, your relationship with that goal. And so. And you usually, if you backpedal just a little bit, it starts early on when you're trying to, you know, drink from a fire hose. All of that information, it almost becomes an escape from what's going on for high achievers. You know, some people like to eat their feelings or drink their feelings or, you know, high achievers, we like to indulge in a lot of information to get us where we're going. And then we get there and we're like, wait a minute. Because we forgot to find joy and peace and check in with ourselves along the way. And so whatever, Whatever things you're working through or whatever inefficiencies are there at the beginning, they're only going to be exacerbated once everything is multiplied because you multiply along with it.

Okay, let's hit on this point, because I don't think it's talked about enough. I remember the first time I went into a therapist many years ago, entrepreneur. And she said something. She had a lot of experience. She said something that I'll never forget. She said, it would be a lot easier to help you if you were doing drugs, alcohol, or something else that our culture doesn't approve of overabundance in. But for entrepreneurs, I think this is what you're saying. Sometimes what we're using entrepreneurship for is to escape some internal work that we need to do and to let our achievements hopefully drown those out. Right now, I don't think we're consciously saying, oh man, I don't want to deal with that from my childhood, or I don't want to deal with that that's going on in my life and marriage and relationships. So instead I'm going to do this. But subconsciously, we're absolutely doing it. I mean, there's a reason the great entrepreneurs have a messy childhood, right?

Exactly what I'm saying.

Life or Steve Jobs life, like super messy. That level of dysfunction drove them to some achievement. I think for many of us, we want to define success a little more broadly. And so to do that, we're going to have to go a lot deeper on some of this work.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Because when you're trying to escape something else, when there's something in, like your marriage or yourself or whatever it is that isn't working out, you know, you're really good at the thing you're really good at. And so you go to do that thing and just really dive into it. And it's not like you're saying it's not necessarily a conscious avoidance, but it is something you're good at doing. And it's kind of a way of controlling the way that you do feel. Because when you're in that lane, you, you're moving forward, you're advancing, you're making connections with other people who acknowledge that you're moving forward and advancing. And that feels good.

Yes. Oh, totally. You know, and I remember my therapist said, hey, you care about your kids, your family, you want a balanced life with them, don't you? And I said, yes. And they said, so how's your 4 year old going to compete with the accolades you're getting at work? And I'm like, dang, I got a lot of work to do. Right? To your point, like, I can't let the external define this because the end result is not going to be what I want it to be. So here's how I see this. Show up and tell me if there's other scenarios or if I'm on track here. That owner who says something like, man, I just can't find anybody to do this. And every time I delegate, if you dig a little bit deeper, maybe there are some lack of capabilities that they have as a Leader to delegate well. But what I've often found for myself is, Chelsea, if I'm being really honest with you, if I delegate this, who am I and what am I supposed to be doing, right? And so that need to be needed, even though I'll complain and tell you I wish I had a team member who could do this. We all know if I really wanted it to be done by somebody else, that I would just hire someone. Now, maybe I don't have the right person the first time, but I would get it figured out. And so some of the block, the reason that I'm doing it the way I'm doing it is because it's solving some emotional escape for me, right? That busyness, that chaos, those tasks. I've seen this too with business owners when we've gone into partnerships with them. I've seen it when I've achieved a certain level of success or my executive team is now able to handle more. I have a freaking identity crisis. What's my purpose on earth anymore? Why am I even here? I've kind of solved. Nobody needs me anymore. I'm not needed. I've done it enough that I know how to respond to it. But is that something you see common, or am I an outlier all of the time?

In fact, that's why I think I connect with the doctors that we work with so well, because I grew into my entrepreneurial sk in in dentistry and went through the same. You call it the dark tunnel. The same, you know, I'd say roller coaster of emotions, mostly downhill before you. Before you see the light, before you come back up. And I remember this. I had an executive coach when I first started dental life coach several years ago. And she was like, okay, now get ready, because this is going to be quite the ride. You're going to go through a lot of things. You're going to have a lot of mind drama. And I remember thinking, you know, but I've mastered so many of these skills. I don't think that she's right. I appreciate her telling me this because I'm sure a lot of her clients do, but I don't think that's what's going to happen to me. And I was so wrong, Emmett. Oh, my gosh, I was wrong.

And it's almost like we think they're going to use this part of the muscle and they go back to this part of the muscle, right? And it's like, oh, yeah, I can lift heavy stuff, you know, with my legs. And they're like, no, this is going to Be with your pinkies. You're like, whoa, I was not expecting you to push those buttons. Right?

Yes. And the only thing I had going for me is that it a fierce tenacity. I refused to quit. And I knew that on the other side, my vision was so clear. You talk about the telescope, I could see it, but, gosh, it was foggy sometimes. And so the only thing I had going for me was just my determination to keep going forward. And that's where I want to, if I can help. You can't leapfrog necessarily that whole experience, but you can put in place supports and like I said, front load that experience for people as much as you can so that when it starts to happen, they know where to grab or they know where to go, or they have the focus call whatever combination of resources is necessary for that individual to really excel in the role that he or she wants to be in.

Well, I think every entrepreneur, every leader, everyone who's trying to scale and grow, it really is a personal development game they are playing. We talk about PNLs and all of that stuff, but the reality is we've all signed up for, like this business CrossFit and we've got a different exercise and we really enjoy it. I think part of the message that you're saying is, hey, some of the exercises and habits you've developed aren't going to get you to the next level. Like, we're not going to be able to just use logical strategy. And one of the kind of excuses I'll hear from people is, you know, Emmett, that's just kind of the fluffy stuff. I don't know if I want to get into it. And what I've noticed is those are the people that can't get past that ceiling either. And I hate it. Chelsea, I have to be honest, because it is such hard work. It's so personal, it's so vulnerable. But kind of going to the next layer down allows you to get to the next layer up.

Exactly, exactly. It's like anything. It's like when you want to start investing money or losing weight or gaining muscle or whatever your thing is, there's always an initial period of discomfort and sometimes it's a long time. But once you work into it and make it a new habit in your life and create new patterning in your brain now, it becomes almost exciting, if not exciting, at least it's part of what you do. It's part of your routine. And we want to teach that. Mind mastery is the same way that you can be the Entrepreneur you want to be. And it doesn't have to suck all of the time. You know, the development.

Yeah, that's awesome. I think we, you know, that tenacity that you talked about, sometimes we rely on that almost too much to the extent that our bodies start breaking down, our other relationships start breaking down. And I think what you're offering is there's actually a level of fortitude you can get where the process cannot be enduring. It's enjoyable. Right. You can enjoy the journey. Because I think we all start off with what you said is like, once I'm here, then I'll be happy. Oh, crap, I'm not. You know, once I'm here, then I'll be happy. Okay, Maybe this opportunity, I was just in the wrong opportunity. I need to get into another opportunity. And then after jumping, like, 20 opportunities, we realized, like, yeah, the problem's me. I gotta, like, settle down and, like, look in the mirror and figure out who I want to be.

Exactly, Exactly. I think there's a really big misconception about white knuckling and experience, you know, clenching your jaw, getting, you know, tight in your shoulders and just moving through it versus processing. And processing the emotion, allowing some of that discomfort. You know, whether that's negativity, frustration, anxiety, just opening up to that and saying, okay, you're gonna be along for the ride, but here we go. And it just really. It creates almost like when you learn to process those emotions and make room for them, that piece alone creates such a different level of experience as you move through it, and it seems to dissipate more quickly because you're not both trying to go through the hard thing and resist the uncomfortable emotion.

Yeah. I call it like the Oreo cookie resistance, where you're like, I will not eat that cookie. I will not eat that cookie. Right. Versus kind of stepping back and like, okay, why do I want that cookie? What am I trying to achieve? Right. And pretty soon it's non issue.

Yeah, absolutely. It's like, do you want to resist the cookie? Or would you. If you could have the desire for that cookie completely removed? Because it's your brain. You. You're the one who programmed it to want it, so unprogram it. And I can teach you that. We teach that a lot. But it's certainly more comfortable to do that initial work to reprogram than to constantly resist. Especially during the holidays.

Yeah, I think we're all looking for additional energy too. None of us were planning on, like, 100 year pandemic and some of the, you know, Other executive orders and things that we've had to, to work through as leaders and the change. So any place that we can open up excess energy and not have it wasted, you know, and maybe our cookie example is simple, but there's a lot of places in our life that we're kind of spinning our wheels on energy. We have a lot of negative talk going on. Right. Things like that, that if we can remove that excess, how awesome would it be?

Absolutely. I love it.

Okay, so maybe just from a tactical perspective, if somebody was going to work with you, because I think we still have the perspective of like, okay, pull out the couch, I'll lay there and tell you about my childhood. You know, can you give kind of an example of maybe, maybe it would be best if you could share like a scenario of a dentist who came to you, kind of what they were facing or some other leader and then how it worked, you know, how does the process work? If I say, chelsea, yes, I have a lot of anxiety in my life, I'd like to have more confidence as a leader. I agree that how I show up for my team and my business would dramatically change because my team and my business is just a caricature of myself.

Right.

So I'm in. How does this work? And give me an example.

Good question. So we used to historically work with doctors one on one. However, we've moved now to working with DSOs and group practices. And so what we've done is I've taken a lot of data over the last couple years of all of the foundational pieces of skills, strategies, tools that are really, really helpful in creating those transformations in dentist lives. And I put them into a coordinate course format so that those can be self studied and worked on either according to the dentist's own interest or the group's interest for their doctors. And then we have weekly focus calls where doctors can log in and either get coached personally or hear a peer get coached if they're not comfortable or wanting to get coached at that time. And we find that that's really the best way to reach a lot of people and provide the most impact.

Well, I love that because, you know, I've been parts of groups like that in my personal life and marriage counseling and other things and, and men's groups. And it's awesome because one of the things that your brain starts to hear is like, oh, I'm not alone. And Right. You're like, wait, that scripting he just did, that's the same scripting I use. And so when I hear the coaching for him. I get the coaching too. So if somebody wanted to participate in one of these groups, get access to this curriculum, what's the best way for them to reach you?

Yep. Www.dentallife.coach is our website and there's information.

Dental Life Coach.

Yes.

All right, calm. We're going to go Dental Life Coach. Okay, awesome. And they can follow you on Instagram. I've seen you there.

Yeah, Instagram. And there's a Facebook page and just starting our TikTok, but we will have that.

Okay, cool. Dances included.

I don't know. I don't know sign language. So I was trying to figure out how to do yours, but.

Well, this has been really awesome. Any kind of like parting words for our audience here?

No, you know, I just take action to create the results that you want. And if you, whether that's with Dental Life Coach or a book or whatever it is, highly encourage self induced self awareness to move to where you want to move.

Yeah. I'd encourage you all to listen to my other podcast on the anxiety cycle versus the confidence cycle. I think it aligns a lot with what Chelsea's talking about. I think ultimately, to Chelsea's point, what we're doing is not going to satisfy some of the things we think it will. And we're going to have to do a different kind of work to get there, to really enjoy the journey and to really have a bigger team around us and be able to influence and lead them. And I think at the end of the day, Chelsea, we all want to show up as like authentic transformational leaders. That's the ultimate goal. But that's a lot of personal work to get there. So I really appreciate the value you're bringing to the industry. This is really fun for me because this isn't just changing for a P and L outcome. This is changing lives that has a ripple effect across the entire organization and across these families and so forth. So thank you so much for the work you're doing.

Thank you, Emmett.

All right, so if you all want to connect more with Chelsea, come over to our Facebook page at DSO Secrets. And until next time, keep smiling.

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