A parent asks how to help their child cope with losing a game and missing out on a planned reward. Emmett Miller MD says the parent's own calm matters most: model the mantra "you either win or you learn" and reframe any outcome as a chance to grow, not a failure.
We had one of those situations recently, um, where one of our kids had planned out something they were really excited for and they went out there to play and their team didn't win. So they didn't get the fun stuff that was planned that they thought they were gonna get, cuz their team in their mind was gonna win and get the reward. And it was my spouse there. I was hearing about it after and you know, he, he was kind of at a loss. Like, I think she's embarrassing herself in front of her friends, and he didn't know how to deal with it. And we tried to talk about it, but what, what advice would you give to a parent that it escalates to a point of kind of embarrassment, and you're like, they're not gonna like how this looks later, but clearly we're not Yeah, getting them back into the moment where we can do the work so that it's a better response the next time. What advice would you give, um, to other moms that have maybe dealt with that, where you're like, I'm failing, like I've worked on this 20 ways to Sunday with this kid, but clearly, clearly we need— yeah, is it, is it meditation, or is it we try to remove like the expectations this kid has on themself. But yeah, first, what do you think works?
Most important thing is for you to change yourself. Make sure you're not reacting that way. Make sure that you realize that whatever is happening, it's wonderful. There's no such thing as a bad situation. There's no such thing as a loss. You either win or you learn. Oh, I love that.
Good.
I mean, if you ask people, what are the most important things that you've learned in your life? What would you most want your children or grandchildren to know? And they will— these 5 things. And I say, how did you learn those 5 things? Invariably, it goes back to a painful experience that they conquered, that they dealt with. So the most important things in life you learn by going through those situations. And It's especially important for mother to learn, father too, but when you know that that's the way, when you handle things in your life in that way and you don't get hung up and you don't feel that kind of embarrassment and you don't feel that overreaction within yourself and you're calm, then you can remain calm as you're talking with your kid. And no matter what they're going through, Right. They will get through it, and you have the capacity to bring them through it, because what they need is love. The most important thing at every point in life is love.
