How to create MAGIC with your family and relationship during the lockdown.

Hello, everybody, and welcome back with another incredible episode of Thrivetime. It's a gorgeous Sunday, and I'm very, very excited to be doing something we've never done on this show before. We're bringing a guest back for their second appearance, and really, why? By popular demand. So far, the most watched video of all of the series we've done so far is. And the one that simulated the greatest conversation in our community. And so I'm super, super excited to be coming back and bringing you an incredible guest here. We. Okay, so we are back today with our incredible guest, Amber Trueblood. And I am absolutely thrilled to have her back because, frankly, many of these interviews have been pretty straightforward for me because they're my friends that I've known for years, and you probably can even see that in some of the dialogue, you know, there's a real sense of camaraderie. And then every now and again, I've interviewed somebody that I've been meeting for the first time, and I often feel the difference in the interview. But I'll tell you that when I did this interview with Amber, I didn't feel that at all. It was like we'd been friends for years, and. And it just translated immediately into such a fascinating conversation. Predominantly at that point focused on parenting, particularly during the pandemic and generally. And wow, the feedback we got was fantastic. And so, Amber, I am absolutely thrilled to have you back on the show. Thank you for coming back for a second appearance.

Of course. I really enjoyed our first chat, and I'm happy to talk about yet another subject.

Yeah, you know, and a really. A super important one and a related one. And so today. Yeah, let's do this. So last time, we talked a lot about parenting, both, you know, pre pandemic, post pandemic, during pandemic, you know, what is going on with how we deal with children. You know, you. You, of course, being one of those parents who chose to do the homeschooling thing from the beginning, many other parents being the type of people who had not chosen to do that, and it's now been thrust upon them. And so we talked a lot about that. But I would love for us today to focus on a more like a larger sort of macro conversation that is families under lockdown, and in particular, romantic relationships under lockdown. So here's where I'd love to start, and probably this covers some of the ground that we talked a little bit about last time, but where I'd like to start with is this, is that families generally, in my opinion, require a Little independence from time to time. Right. You know, we all need a little bit of our own space, and all of a sudden, we're kind of struggling a little bit with that. Husband wants space, wife wants space. Children want space. Children want space from each other. So let's talk a little bit about how you feel about that, how families can be coping with that in the lockdown situation.

Yeah, definitely. So. And most of the questions that I've gotten, I would say, in the last two weeks have been around relationships. I think the first couple weeks, it was, like, logistics. How do I do this? How is this going to work? Like, you know, just figuring out how do I get groceries now that most people kind of set into a little bit of a routine. And we're finding that the increased anxiety and frustrations and fears, we're often, unfortunately, taking out on those we're stuck with and those we love most in the world, but Those were around 24, 7, and we're now seeing the impact of that on our relationships. And there are definitely challenges, and I have some good tools for those things, but there are also opportunities. So I'm excited to talk to you and share a little bit of both.

Cool. So if we. If we. If we delve into. You know, one of my observations of relationships is I. You know, I know that this is contentious for some people, the idea of gender differences and all that kind of stuff. I tend to believe there are gender differences and different needs and what have you, But. But that aside, one thing that I've. I've really noticed in my own life is that space really is a requirement and that, you know, like, the idea of absence makes the heart grow fonder. There's some truth to that at times. And I'm curious what your take on is for that and how you. How you manage to keep that stuff going when it's really hard to have any absence at the moment.

Yeah. Okay, so I have some great tips for space. So first, I want to comment on your gender differences. Comment. I remember being in college and being very much like, oh, gender differences are only because we treat boy babies so differently from girl babies. And then I grew up and had four boys. Okay. You know, they're 7, 9, 11, and 12 right now. And I'll tell you, man, I guarantee you there are some genetic differences that are just tied in, and they're all very different from one another, too. You know, I'm not saying all boys are the same, clearly, and all girls are the same, but there are some differences, man, that surprised me because I did not anticipate them, but it's talking about space. So one of the things that's important to remember is there different kinds of space. So communicating, identifying first for yourself what kind of space you need and then communicating that effectively and respectfully to your partner is key. And what I mean by different types of spaces, yeah, there's physical space, which is what we mostly talk about. And since we're confined, that's most what's top of mind for people. But there are other types of space too. So first, with physical space, if you're somebody who definitely needs some physical space, and maybe you're in a small apartment with two kids and a partner, you know, what do you do? How do you get that space? When there physically doesn't feel like there is any, you know, any space, there's no square footage, what do you do? So there's some very simple things you can do. It could be maybe you guys are getting up at the same time and you're going to bed at the same time. You can offset that. It's often in a couple, you find there's one person who's more the early riser and one person who likes to stay up later. Take advantage of that. Get up a little bit earlier if you need that alone time. If you can't, go for a walk, you know, if you can't get out of the house physically, take that time at the very beginning of the day or at the end of the day and have that conversation. Be, you know, be forthcoming with your partner if at all possible, and then allow them to identify what kind of space they need and what might be helpful. Also, it might be taking a long bath, taking an extended shower, just going into another room physically during the day and giving your partner that physical space. The other kind of space is emotional space. So we often in a relationship have one person that tends to lean on the other more for emotional support right now, when that might be the only other adult that you're leaning on for emotional support. And everybody has their limits. So the more we can be, you know, acknowledge that and be aware, wow, am I leaning on my spouse a lot more than normal for emotional support? Like, maybe I need to, A, communicate my appreciation for that and acknowledge that, and then B, ask them, hey, you know, I could totally, you know, if you give me, you know, an hour after dinner tonight, I would love to, you know, call my girlfriend or call my mom or call my sister and lean on them, because I feel like I'm leaning on you a lot right now and you might need a break from that. So acknowledging who needs emotional space, and maybe yesterday you needed more physical space and today you're feeling it emotionally. Be aware of the changes that can take place too. And the more that you can, the sooner and the more clearly that you can communicate that to your spouse in a way that's respectful. And also then acknowledging that they may need more physical space or emotional space too can be hugely preventative in, you know, creating that, you know, reducing the tension and increasing your ability to have patience and calmness and clarity and kind of more kindness towards one another through the rest of your day. So we got physical space, you've got emotional space. The third thing, that third type of space most people don't think about is mental space. So maybe you have a lot going on with work or you're managing the kids schedule with schoolwork and you're just overwhelmed mentally. Now some people are more visually oriented and some people are more sensitive to noise and sounds. And so the sooner you're aware of that, it might be that you need to minimize some of the visual stimuli in your environment. Maybe you need to put some stuff under the couch, take some stuff off the walls, put it in the closet, or maybe your partner is somebody that has Netflix on in the background all day because it just lightens the mood and they want kind of that entertainment. But it's creating havoc on your nervous system and it's increasing your levels of adrenaline and cortisol and so it's actually reducing your self care, you know, your ability to maintain your patience and calmness through the rest of the day. So those are kind of all different kinds of space you might need at different times. So the sooner you can realize, wow, you know, what would be really helpful is if I just had a couple hours of silence in the afternoon. Like that would just recalibrate me and give me so much more energy so that I can be kind and patient with the people, people that I love for the remainder of the day.

I like that. In fact, I, I believe it was from our first discussion, our first interview where you, you talked about creating like where the family would conspire to create space for individual members of the family on a given day. You know, in a sense, like, you know, it's your day today, how would you like it to be today? Let us all give you what you need for you to have that day, because we're in this confined. What I also hear you saying in effect is that there needs to be communication, you know, that there needs to be like, there needs to be a way for people to express their needs. And. And I. My general feeling about that, like, you know, we think of tolerance as a virtue. I don't. I don't think of tolerance as a virtue at all. I think that tolerating is an energy, sacrifice and codependent thing that we do, and that the minute I feel like I'm moving into toleration, that's when I might be leaning towards snapping. Right. Because I'm putting up with it. It's like, if I'm tolerating the neighbor upstairs. You know, we actually. This is a really good story. We had. We had neighbors living above us a couple of years ago, and. And they would drag their furniture across. We found out it was an Airbnb place, so it wasn't like the same people all the time, but we still had this, like, toleration. It was getting sitting, like. And then it would go away for a week or two because the place was empty, and then it'd be back. And so then one day, some friends of ours rented the Airbnb, and instead of tolerating it, we said, hey, can we come up for a minute? We went up and we. And we took those little sponge things that you can put on the bottom of the. Of the chairs, and we just punched them to all the chairs. And. And we never had a problem again. Don't tolerate.

Fantastic.

But in these close confines, you know, I guess what I'm thinking. Thinking is that that's got to be key to what you're talking about. I mean, there's got to be a construct for conversation, for having a discussion. And I would guess, here's what I'm asking you is how can you encourage people to be preemptive in that discussion? You know, like to discuss this stuff before it becomes an issue. You don't want to go, I really need my space right now. You're going to be like, I can tell that soon. I'm going to require space. How do you navigate that?

So I think there's. It's twofold. One is first, understanding the situation that we're in and acknowledging that this is putting a lot of pressure on our relationship. Even if things are going fine this week, they may be coming to a head. And I think that we all have what's called, like, a certain amount of resources in our emotional bank account, so to speak. Okay? So the more preventative things that you can do to raise that level in your emotional bank account, then the more you can deal with all the Surprises that are going to come during the day, right? Because things are going to come at you. But if your emotional bank account is just almost at zero, then you're going to flip out as soon as the next disaster happens. Not disaster, but, you know, you step on a Lego or a work call doesn't go well, or you forget something because you lose track of time and you're distracted by the kids or dinner's late and somebody's having a meltdown. So those things are going to happen. And I'm all about like making life as easy for me as possible. And one of the ways I found that is by preventative things and being realistic about like, look, we're all human. We're not used to being around each other. 247 people are afraid for their health. They're afraid, they're frustrated that they haven't had certain, you know, releases, whether that's physical or social or you know, community like, you know, they're missing out on a lot of resources that you previously had available to you. So you're under a lot more pressure and strain. Why not make really, really sure? Especially if this relationship is important to you, you know, to have as many preventative measures on board as possible. So if, you know, wow, if I have like 30 minutes in the morning before I have to jump into breakfast and kids and phone calls and emails and news reports, wow, that just can increase my level of emotional bank account for the rest of the day and I want it and you can communicate it like this. I realized yesterday I was really snappy and short with you and I don't like that for myself. I feel terrible and I don't want to treat you like that. So. So a. I'm really sorry. I was thinking about this and I was stressed about this phone call that I had with my mother in law and you know, I was thinking about her safety and it was, you know, fearful, fear based and you know, I lashed out at you when I saw the dishes still in the, you know, in the sink or something like that. So the more we can be communicative, acknowledge where we're not perfect because you're not going to be perfect and you're never going to be perfect. So, you know, as soon as you can be more communicative, find out, figure out and communicate what you need to increase your level of emotional bank account and say why? Why it's important to you. Because I want this. I want our relationship to not only like just survive and barely squeak through this period of time, but I'd love it. To be able to thrive and us to actually enjoy each other and feel like a team in this and not feel like we're tolerating each other and we're resenting, we're building resentment that then is going to lash out, it's going to come out at some point. And I'll tell you, as difficult as it might feel now to not bite your tongue, but, like, be calm and patient and respectful in your communication, I'll tell you, as hard as that might be now, I guarantee you, in six months, if you're dealing with a separation and custody fight and being without your kids for periods of time, that's going to be 100 times harder than taking a moment now and saying, I'm going to take this seriously. I'm going to communicate. I'm going to try to be respectful. I'm going to try to, you know, every human, we want to feel loved, we want to feel safe, we want to feel respected, and we want to feel appreciated. So if you can remind yourself of that, because that's what you want, right? So if you can give that to your partner authentically. And sometimes that's hard because you may already have a low emotional bank account and a high amount of resentment that's been built up, okay? So, you know, it's a process. Everybody's starting at a different point. But the more you can spend time really deciding for yourself that that's important to you and you want to either maintain or fix, you know, repair what's been damaged in that relationship, starting with love, making sure the other person feels safe and feels respected and appreciative, appreciated, rather that you will begin to see that in return. You know, unless somebody's, you know, flat out really abusive, narcissistic, you know, has like a specific extreme, you know, psychological problem, that's a different situation. But given that for the most part, these are reasonable, loving people in your life and you've just gone through a very difficult time, I think that acknowledging what you can put in now will save you so much later that I think for most of us can be well worth it.

Yeah, that makes really good sense. And again, it's that, you know, an ounce of prevention, a ton of cure, you know, get to this stuff now before it becomes a, you know, a major problem. Get. Get to it and handle it. And, yeah, there's a couple thoughts I have about that. I, you know, I am. I spent some time with Esther Perel last year and actually just reached out to her to see about getting her on the show as well, because I'm a big fan. I like the way she looks at stuff. I like her non judgmental attitude about things. But one of the things that I think she put really good words to and it's sensitive, but she put really solid words to this. And that is that for one reason or another, call it Disneyfication or, you know, or religion or whatever, but we've, we've come to this place where the story of relationship is the story of two people helping each other feel complete. And, and you know, the more I've looked at my history as a human, I began to realize that nobody can ever make you feel complete. You know, you have to feel complete. And, and, and so one of the things that I do recognize is that in, even in feeling, working on your own completeness as a human being. We have needs as human beings, varieties of them, you know, varieties of different emotional needs and so forth. And, and I think that one of the things that Esther puts so well is that we, we so often come into this world where we think that we're going to have a relationship and that we're going to meet that one person that's going to meet all of our needs. It's going to like that person's going to take care of all of it. And, and, and then of course, we find that that's not really the case. And it's absolutely important that we have our own, you know, social time and our own, our own hobbies and our own interests and all that sort of thing. It's absolutely important. I think now we're in a place where we can't really retreat to those other social activities or those other interests. I guess what I'm asking is that, you know, it's one thing to say, okay, we're going to go and create space or time for somebody that's, that's exciting. That's a good idea. But what about the realities of, you know, mismatched needs around conversation, mismatched needs around affection, mismatched needs around sex, mismatched needs around contribution around the house. Like that becomes like, you know, funny. I can, I can imagine all this stuff I'm, I'm unlocking down by myself. I can tell you that that's. No, you know, that's, that's not nice either. In fact, all the things that I would put to everybody, all the things that you're currently finding irritating, I'll tell you, you'll miss them if they're gone. I'm finding that. But in the meantime, you know, now you've got a situation where, you know, we'll put it, you know, either way, you know, one person wants much more conversation and verbal connection than they're getting, and the other one doesn't really want to do that. They want to sit and watch Netflix or they're just not feeling as talkative. And there quite often can be a bit of a masculine and feminine difference there. How do you. What do you recommend about communicating about that, fixing it, sorting it out here specifically? One of the things I'm asking is, is this now where the one member of the couple who say, is the delivery person, the person that, you know, you want this from me? I don't want to deliver it, do I? I deliver it anyway. Am I supposed to now do what I don't want to do in order to help you get what you need? Be this conversation, sex, cooking, a massage. You know, at what point are we. Are we asking each other to do what we don't really want to be doing for each other, or are we finding other ways to deal with that?

So, I mean, that's really, really important question. I think that the answer to that lies in the common goal. So, like, if your purpose is to form or create or repair or have a relationship that. Where each person does feel whole and feels their needs met as much as possible, then you coming at it like, not like, we want different things, but I want you to attend to and acknowledge my needs, just like I want to acknowledge yours, regardless of what they are, and be respectful of those boundaries. So what I mean by that is, you know, first I want to step back, as one step is, you know, because of all the external pressures happening right now, this unique time with. And, you know, a lot of households have, you know, new financial fears, new health fears, logistical issues, you know, career concerns, concerns, all sorts of things. So this is not the ideal time to then pick up everything that's irritated you about your spouse for the past six years or 16 years, and this is time for them to fix it? No, this is time to appreciate and acknowledge one another's strengths. So often the very thing that attracted you to that person in the first place, maybe they were super vivacious, very talkative, like super creative, and, you know, all over the place. And you loved that energy. But right now it's driving you bonkers, you know, and so often the very things that attract us to somebody are the things that, you know, everything has two sides to it, right? So it could be the very thing that, you know, drives you nuts about them. Later. So acknowledging that you're not going to change them, they're going to remain the same, but acknowledging that you sought that out, that was attractive to you at that point in your life. And chances are there's still a lot of amazing things about that part of their personality that you do appreciate. So it's very easy in this time that we're tolerating and feeling resentful to really have a negative thought spiral about all the things that are driving us nuts and irritating us about that person. And for some people more than most, it's difficult to flip or shift out of that gear of negativity. And you know, by a lot of the other people that you speak to, I'm sure, you know, the more things we focus on, you know, that's the type of stuff we draw into us. It's like a Facebook algorithm. Facebook says, oh, you've been liking these types of posts, you've been commenting on these types of posts, you've been sharing these types of posts. You must love these types of posts. I'm going to give you all this kind of stuff. So all of a sudden your neighbor starts acting the same way. That's driving you nuts. And your in laws and your sister when you talk to them, because that's what you're focusing on. So I would argue, you know, actively, however you can, whether it's a gratitude journal, whether it's a meditation practice, whether it's writing post it notes and putting them on your phone or on your mirror, on your computer, what do you appreciate about your partner? And the more you can focus on, even if you find one, even if you're like, I can't find anything right now. Everything's driving me nuts about them. Find what you know, you can find something. Find something, focus on that, acknowledge that, be verbal about that appreciation. And then you, you flip the spiral. So it's not, well, he's not appreciating me, I'm not appreciating him. And we're just going in a downward spirit spiral. At some point, one person has to take responsibility for flipping that spiral. And when you're in a, you know, kind of a contentious relationship where, well, I'm not going to do that because he's not, he would never do that. So why should I do that for him? I would argue you're not doing it for him or he's not doing it for you. However it goes, you're doing it for yourself. And if you really can get to a place where you believe that this could Be so much easier to act on and start focusing on the positive and start showing your verbal appreciation. It could be something simple that every night you say, wow, when you did this, I really appreciated it. Now if you're trying to be manipulative or you're being sarcastic, if there's even a tinge of that, it's very clear they'll know in a second. So you have to, it has to come from a genuine place. So pick something that you're truly appreciative about. And the more often ends to practice, so the more you can practice that, the easier it will become. And I guarantee you, you'll start to reap the rewards of it. And if you have children in the house, they will see this, notice you're modeling, you know, you know that they're watching everything that you do, you know, so if you snap at somebody in the middle of the day, if you can acknowledge if, if you can acknowledge that and stop yourself in front of the kids and say, wow, that came out really, really with an attitude. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I'm sorry, that was misdirected. I really was frustrated about this thought that was going on in my head and I'm sorry, that came out wrong. Just say it. Then you model that for your children and they pick up on that and you start to see them behaving in that way towards each other, other, which also saves you.

You know, I shared this video on Instagram months ago, but it came up in my memories and I put it out again. I think it was on Instagram or Facebook, it doesn't matter. But it's a video that was, it was an anti smoking campaign. But what they did was they had clips of adults doing things and small children following behind them, doing everything that they do. And of course, beautiful campaign, all talking about the, you know, the, the reality that what we say is not nearly as powerful as what we do. And, and, and of course one of the things was that, you know, parents smoking all the way up the escalator and then this little four year old smoking and it's so jarring physically to see it. And, and I, I think that that's something that really, what you just said really reminds me of that is that, you know, apology is a funny thing, but it strikes me that it does a number of things. One is apology is an attempt to rebuild trust. And you know, an apology is an offering and hopefully it's accepted. And in my experience it's only ever really accepted if in the apology, it's truly sincere. In other words, you're feeling at least as much discomfort in offering the apology is you think you caused the person when you transgressed in the first place.

Yeah, that's a nice way to put it.

It makes a real apology hard to do. It's not. Well, I'm sorry. You know, it makes a genuine apology difficult to do. But what I think is magical about what you just said about that is, man, I'll tell you what. In my parents. Parents generation, there was no apologizing to children. Yeah, no, we may have been wrong, but we don't do that, you know, like apologizing to children. And.

And I think because you're supposed to be perfect, because you were supposed to be the model of perfection, which, I mean, how stressful is that as a child to think, oh, gosh, you know, in. In a couple years, I'm gonna have to be perfect. I'm gonna have to know everything. I'm gonna have to never make mistakes. That's such an unreasonable expectation. And how, you know, how much anxiety would that produce in a lot of children?

Yeah, it's. It's true. And then also, you know, do you want your child to grow up functional and being willing to take responsibility for their behavior and apologize? Well, here's one way to help them do that. Apologize. Show them and to each other. And I think that's really beautiful. Let's turn another direction. I had. I just. I had a truly wonderful conversation with two friends of mine that I just love so much from Santa Barbara. And they got together, and then they got engaged, and then they got married, and. And then I bumped into them, and we were having a conversation, and then. And then they said something so California. They're like, well, our therapist said. And I was like, you have a therapist? You guys have been married for, like, six months, man. Like, what's going on over there? You know? Are you guys okay? Do you have any difficulties? And they said. They said, no, we don't have any difficulties because we have a therapist. And I like that so much. It's like, I'm looking now at my life, and I'm realizing there are some times when potentially involving. Maybe therapist has too much stigma on it. Maybe counselor would have been a better word, really. But I think there's many times when bringing a counselor in early, before there was a trouble, might have prevented trouble. And I can think of many times in my life where that's true. I've got to think that right now that could be A really solid step for people to be taking. I mean, if they're. Most people are facing relationship stresses that they've never faced before. Well, most people would not climb Kilimanjaro for the first time without getting a guide. Most people would not try to learn a martial art feature. Well, we're all trying to do relationship under lockdown. Maybe we might need help. Tell me how you feel about that. Are you getting clients asking for that kind of support? What's going on?

For sure, I'm getting a lot of questions about relationship health. And I think, you know, I always start no matter what the subject is that we're talking about. Like, in a couple days, I'm going to be talking about single moms in quarantine and the unique challenges and opportunities that they have, you know, that they're dealing with. And any, any single parent doesn't have to be just a single mom. But one of the things that I always talk about, no matter what subject, is starting with two really important acknowledgments. And the first one is that this is a big shift for everybody in a lot of different areas of our lives. So being kind to ourselves is the first step. And not just because, like, oh, that's nice to do. Be nice to yourself. It means, you know, when you're coming from a place of self judgment and guilt and frustration and, you know, thinking about all what, what, how I should be behaving, how I should be acting, what this person's doing instead of me, or they're handling it, you know, in a different way, or, wow, this mom seems to be getting the homeschool stuff no problem. And, you know, their kids aren't having tantrums or their relationships first. First of all, you never, never know really what's happening in anybody else's home, good or bad. So compare.

But I follow them on Instagram. I mean, but Amber, I follow them on Instagram. Don't I know everything?

Yes, you know everything about them. It's exactly what you see. Yeah. So, you know, so. But when you're spending that amount of energy in self doubt and self belief and self critique and comparison, it's so much energy to spend and it's not serving you and it's not serving your family at all. So being kind to yourself means understanding that you're a different, unique human being with different values, different lifestyle, different priorities, different family dynamics as anybody else out there. Nobody has that combination. Okay? Just you. So being really kind, kind to yourself about that and knowing, you know, you've You've had a lot of different stressors. It doesn't matter if this person, you know, has a kid in the hospital or this person, they're, you know, their father just passed away. Everybody has different struggles and they, they deal with them differently. So you can only deal with what's right in front of you. So being kind and having grace, you know, and acceptance of yourself is, is key first step because then you can move forward. Then you can learn the skills and the tools and get the support that you need so that you can feel better and so that you can, you know, maintain and thrive in your relationship and, you know, see the opportunities and the gifts that are here instead of wasting a bunch of time beating yourselves up. So that's the first step. The second step is being honest with you yourself. And I don't mean this like, don't lie to yourself. I mean this by saying only, you know, the tools and the tips and the practices and the things that are really going to work for your family. So, like, I often will, you know, give a bunch of suggestions like, oh, you know, start a gratitude journal in the morning or, you know, in the shower, have an affirmation. Instead of spending your shower every day thinking about all the things you should have done or could do differently, or the conversation you just had or the news report you just heard, you know, maybe pick, choose a mantra that is helpful and resonates with you and you just say that over and over and over and over and over and over over again in the shower. Or you just list a bunch of gratefuls, you know, or when you're doing your exercises, for every sun salutation, if you're doing yoga, you think of one thing you're grateful for. Or in the evening, you sit there, you know, in bed with your partner, and you tell them, you know, three things that you really appreciated that they did that day, however minute. And sometimes the minute stuff is really impactful. Not just like, oh, thanks for cooking dinner tonight, I appreciated that. But if you said, oh, I loved when you, like, came in and you put your arm on my, on my shoulder when I was working on something, and you know, that really, you know, sometimes, sometimes it's the tiny things that you notice. And if you say that and you acknowledge that verbally, first of all, it's telling them that it's important to you, which is good, but it's also telling them that you noticed, you noticed something that subtle. So sometimes the little tiny things I think are really important, maybe more so than you would think, not just like, oh, I'm grateful that you. Whatever, you cleaned out the car today. Sometimes it's the more personal stuff. Whatever you want more of, that's what you acknowledge. But being honest with yourself means when I list off five or seven things like that maybe three of them didn't really resonate. You're not gonna do that in the shower. You take baths or whatever, but pick the things that make your ears perk up, that get you nodding your head, that make you think, oh, yeah, I could totally do that. Or, I used to do that, and it was really helpful to our relationship, and I saw a difference. I can start instituting that again. So being honest with yourself is really knowing what you need right now at this particular point in your life and then really doing it and making it easy for yourself to follow through. So if that means leaving notes, think of it like with your kids when you're trying to teach them new habits. So, for instance, I don't know if I talked about this when we were talking about kids, but I got really tired of telling my two older kids because I had two that were homeschooling and two that were in traditional school this year. And the two older ones, I would tell them, okay, make your bed, you know, brush your teeth, get dressed, and then come out here. And they would say, you know, and then almost always, you know, they would do two and forget a third. And I got so tired of saying the same things over and over again that I would just say, do your trifecta, which. Which meant, make your bed, get dressed, brush your teeth. And so then they started calling it the trifecta of terror, which just made it more fun, you know. So I'd say, okay, did you do your trifecta of terror? And now they do it all the time because we found a fun way to make it a habit. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, it really does. And I really like also the. You know, there's. There's something about appreciation that really comes in there, like noticing what is working and acknowledging it. It really. It makes a big difference. Like, it's really. It's funny if you have. I sometimes equate stuff back to business, and. But it's. If you have employees and you. And they do something really, really great and you don't tell them that it was really, really great, then how do they know to do it again?

You may not see it again.

Yeah. And so there is something really powerful about acknowledging. Acknowledging behavior. You really enjoy acknowledging progress. I mean, that's. You know, when you see Something is better than it was a week before. There's something really nice about that. And so I really like that, that. That style of communication. Amber, we're gonna go. We have a guest. We have a. We have a question that's gonna come along here, and we're gonna talk to Audrey. Hang on. We've got. Okay, Audrey, you're on with us live. This is Amber. Audrey, say hello.

Hi, Audrey.

Can you. Can you hear us?

Okay, I cannot hear Audrey.

Oh, okay, let's see. Audrey, try again. I don't either. We're not getting sound, Audrey, so try and figure out what's going on with your sound there. We should be getting sound from you. We're not, but we have another guest. We're going to go to Harry, who's coming in from Estonia. And Harry, say hello.

Hi, Harry.

Hi. Can you hear me?

So, Harry. Yeah, we can hear you. Go ahead with your question. Oh, we lost Harry again. I tell you, we're learning new technology here every day. Harry, there you are. Harry, say hello. Say. Say hello to Amber and let us know what your question is.

Hi, Amber. It's been an interesting listen. At the moment, I don't have family myself in that sense. And for me, it's like, probably biggest struggle will be that in the future when I have family that can I keep all the smarts that I'm learning when I actually have my own kids, but actually trying to be supportive for my friends who have them and sharing them the videos and all that stuff. But sometimes it's difficult to get them to acknowledge it because it's an outside source, especially when it comes to me who doesn't have an experience on it, and try to convince them that maybe they should watch that webinar or look into that so that they can be more aware of things and how to go about it, offering that advice that's not mine in that sense.

Got it. How do you. So you're saying, how do you offer advice to loved ones who have families? And when you're trying to be helpful, but they're looking at you like, well, you don't have your own family or your own kids yet. What are you doing? You know, and this is funny, I don't know why most people think, you know, it's like, you know, if you're a physician that treats cancer patients and you haven't had cancer yourself, you can still be helpful. But a lot of people, you know, I think the best thing you can do is to continue coming from a place like, I can tell just the way you're speaking that, you know, you're coming from a place in your heart that's just giving. That's not coming from a judgmental place. And I think that's the best thing that you can do. And then allowing them to take it or leave it, you know, hey, if this is helpful. I heard this in a seminar or webinar. That was earlier. It seemed like cool advice, you know, just sharing it if it's in case it's helpful to you. So I think when you kind of touch and go, that is, then it's easier for somebody to lean in and hear you. If you touch and then say, well, what do you think about that? Do you think you could do that? Would that be helpful to you? Then? It's very common for people to kind of back off and push against it, even if it's the best idea they've ever heard. The other thing is, you know, we're all. We're all basic human creatures. And it's just like some, you know, you can have your spouse tell you something 17 times, and then you hear it from a stranger, hear it on the news, and you think, oh, that's a great idea. And my husband and I joke about that because it's just kind of basic. Or you're, you know, your mother can tell you something, and you think, of course I thought of that. You know, that won't work for me because of blah, blah, blah. And then somebody you trust from a completely different area of your life tells you the same exact thing, and you accept it. So part of it is just some people are not going to be able to accept it, and it's not personal to you, but it's just they need to hear it from a different source. And that's just because we're all human and we come with, you know, our own weird baggage. And. But I think that if it's coming from a place of authenticity and just wanting to help, and you just drop it and leave without any feeling of, you know, giving them any sense of judgment or pressure, I think that's the best you could do. And I. And I. And I think that it's wonderful.

You know, I think that this is something very common that comes up with our clients and our. In our business. Like, you know, somebody will come and do our WildFit program, and what will happen is, is that because it's not just simply a diet, it actually changes them. And that's sometimes difficult for the people around them because, you know, a diet they always see is Temporary. And all of a sudden they go, oh, my God, you might be like this forever. You know, it's like, and, and then worse than that is that that person, and it could be Harry in this case now wants his, his family to come on the journey with him so very badly, you know, really wanting that. And my, my answer to that, Harry, is it's very similar, but it just, it's, it's the weirdest thing is the more resistance you offer, the more resistance you'll get. And so the more you try to push that idea, the more you try to, you know, like, pressure the idea, the more resistance, resistance comes up. And in my experience, this is the perfect application of the old Gandhi quote of be the change you want to see. Well, okay, he said the world, but like, be the change you want to see in your friends. Be the change you want to see in your family. Be the change you want to see around you. And, and lead by example, you know. Now obviously, if you really want to stimulate, let's say change or inspiration faster than that, the one thing I would always say is this, is that instead of trying to stimulate change, try to stimulate curiosity. If you, if you stimulate curiosity, then that, that starts getting questions going, you know, like with my son, I didn't try right away to push him onto particular types of food. I just ate them a lot. And then that stimulated curiosity. And so, you know, then it seems to be a better format because now all of a sudden he's asking. And that kind of earns me the right to speak, if that makes sense. Harry, thanks so much. Harry's been one of our stalwart studio audience members from the very beginning of the show. And so, Harry, good to have you here. I'm missing Estonia every day and I hope to see you again soon.

It's nice weather at the moment. Today I had a 15 kilometer walk. It was perfect.

Well, you don't want to compete with me on that one right now. You don't want to hear what the weather's like here. Let me just tell you, just, just, let me just say this. Caribbean Harry, thanks so much for being on the show. Really a pleasure to see you.

Thank you.

Excellent. So we now have another. We now have another guest. We've got, let's see, Leslie, who wants to talk a little bit about boundaries and children and. Wow. Amber, I am so letting you take this one. Leslie, jump right in.

Hi, Amber. So I. Hi. I have a 12 and a 15 year old and my 15 year old has dealt with mental illness since about puberty, 12 years old and is extremely confrontational. And so I made a calendar the other day to set some boundaries and some household duties so we could all share in the responsibility. But just talking to the child is difficult. I try to put it as a positive spin, but everything is, it's everybody's fault and blame and, you know, it's just really difficult right now. Very stressful to get her to, you know, be a team player.

Right. And that was gonna be my first question. Is it a girl and is it anxiety that's the issue?

Yes, a lot of anxiety. And it's a transgender girl slash boy. So we call him he and we accept that he's a he at this point. So that situation has smoothed out things. But just this point of setting boundaries, of woke up at one o' clock and you're eating and on the phone on a school night.

Right? Yeah. I mean, this is the chapter for, I mean, a lot more support. I think, you know, have a big, big situation, aside from all the new variables and uncertainties and, you know, issues going on. So, first of all, I think getting some longer term support, both for you separately and for him would be key as far as communication to yourself. Just from what you can do now, I think is to say that, say like, you know, your greatest hope in the world is that he's happy and safe and loved. And I'm gonna cry just thinking about it and cared for me too. Right. So if you say, you know, if you sit down and say, just so you know, like, it may seem like I'm frustrated and I'm lashing out and I'm scared, but it's because what I want in the world more than anything is that you're loved, that you feel loved, that you're safe, you know, that you're happy, that you have confidence, that you can find a passion that you enjoy, you know, and just be really honest and he will hear that, he'll feel that from you because it is honest. It may not act like you hears it right now, you know, but I would start with that and say, and I'm. And I'm struggling with the day to day right now because it's a lot going on and I'm stressed about money and I'm stressed about your safety and I'm stressed about your, your sibling or, you know, you can, you know, say, be honest. Say, you know, these are other things that I'm worrying about. And you know, because, you know, and then when I walk through the kitchen and it, everything's A disaster. And I don't want to lash. I would start with a really honest conversation and then say, you know, I'd love to find, like, a way that you can get support, that we can all get support as a family. But just know from the. You know, and this is what I'm saying to say to him. Just know that, like, I love you, and I want nothing more in the world than this. So, like, if you're communicating with me, like, what you need, that will be helpful and making sure, you know, and then I would. So I would start with that. The other thing I would say is covering your basis. And I think Wildfit, you know, Eric can chime in on this for sure, is you want to make sure that, you know, sleep is being had. You know, that's so important for teenagers that they're getting enough sleep. So, yeah, if he's up for three hours in the middle of the night, and you can say, look, this is what's happening in your brain right now and with your hormones and how. How important sleep is, especially to people your age, you know, so let's talk about sleep. Let's talk about food. Like, what kind of food are you eating? Are you getting healthy food that's serving you? Are you getting exercise? Like, is your brain being oxygenated? You know, are your muscles, like, literally, I would really talk about food, sleep, and exercise because those can impact your hormones, that impact your metabolism, impacts everything, your mood. So I would do that twofold. So I would have just a real conversation. I would try to get some support, if you can, both for you and for him. And then I would really have a candid conversation about the importance of food, sleep, and exercise. Maybe, you know, you can chime in more on that.

Yeah, it's a really. That really, really is important. Where are you at with that, Leslie?

We do therapy every other week. And so he just decided not to take medication, like, a week ago. So that's. It's been a rough week because we had switched medications, and it made him very sick. And, yes, I'm a Wildfit coach, and so I talked to him about the importance of sleep and different things. I guess the problem is when you have somebody that just doesn't want to hear, you know, it's hard to communicate. And I'm trying to put a positive spin and not feel like I'm coming at him or complaining or anything. I like, I'm very honest and open with this child. And we sit and just right now, he's so confrontational, you know, and the. He hasn't seen, seen his dad in four months, which, you know, I think is not always healthy, but it's something, you know, that's just one of those situations. So it is all me, all the time. And so that's, I'm trying to keep very calm. And I do have a male partner. And he's like, wow, I heard you talking to him and you, you didn't raise your voice. And I just stay calm. Even though he just kept coming at me, I just kept bringing it back to the point. And, you know, it was the first time he stayed and listened instead of ran away. And he's finally getting outside after two weeks of staying inside for, you know, some exercise and things. So we're working on it. But yes, dealing with somebody so confrontational is just a challenge mentally.

Well, and you had asked about boundaries. You know. Sorry, go ahead.

I was just going to say, Leslie, you know, first of all, it sounds like you're doing a really great job. What I mean by that is that I am really clear that we either use our emotions or they use us. And you've probably heard me talk about that in the wildfit context, but it's like we either use the emotions or they use us. And I don't believe there are bad emotions. I believe there are all good emotions and they're all there to be used in some way. And it's sounds to me. And I just, I want to say this to either acknowledge the progress and, or to give you increased fortitude. And that is that if you manage to not let emotions use you during those moments when there's this confrontational energy, then you won't say things you regret.

Amen.

That's, that's my big thing about that as a parent is that I know that, you know, my, my, my dad, for example, had issues with alcohol when I was young, and alcohol plus anger meant lots of things that he now regrets. And, and, and what's really crazy is I have forgiven all of it. But, you know, what's crazy is he hasn't. And, and, or, or he hadn't. I can't, I can't speak from today. But what I'm really saying is that I love that approach you're taking of trying to, you know, just be stoic and just hold the space. And then the other thing that I wanted to say about that, that I think is really important and I really got this is like, you know, we don't, we got this from the Hadza, you know, going and visiting with The Bushmen, we saw something really fascinating, and that is that they don't regard their children as children. They regard their children as slightly smaller adults with slightly less life experience. And so they don't parent them. They. They just guide them, and they, you know, and they assist them where their size is a problem. In other words, they won't tell them what to do, but if they need help lifting something, they'll do that. They recognize that they're limited, but they're not there to control them. And one of the reasons is. And this is unfortunately a little bit brutal, but, you know, I was sitting there once, and I watched this child walking toward the fire. And the Bushmen are, you know, and I'm. The kids, like, 18 months, it's heading for the fire. Like somebody. As somebody who, as A child, at 18 months, stuck my hand in a. In a. In a fire and burned it really badly. And then at 18 years old, was lit on fire and had to have my arm rebuilt from skin grass. I'm like, let's not have this happen to this child. I want to rescue the child. And he's like, no, no, no, no. He's. Well, but has he done this before? No, that's why he's doing it now, but he won't do it again. And they had this kind of. This approach. Now, I don't. I'm not recommending that harsh an approach. I'm just saying in that environment, you know, if you tell your child to stay in camp and your child goes out of camp behind, hyena might take it. And so you kind of have this, like, the children kind of end up having to learn on their own. And I think very often we're trying to ease the burden and weakening them. And so I think just holding the space is. You're. It sounds like you're doing a great job of that. And. And, yeah, you do. You do have to have boundaries. I think you. You do have to, you know, determine what those are for you. But I think the key for me, the one problem with boundaries, at least they. It could be for me, is that if I put a boundary and then somebody violates that boundary, it's. Now I have a right to be angry. So I have to somehow have the boundary and. And not allow it to trigger anger, if that makes any sense.

Yeah.

Thank you, Leslie. Thanks so much. Good to see you, and good luck with everything, and good luck with the lockdown, and have fun and see you on one of our next masterminds.

Yes, thanks.

Thank you, Amber. That oh, hang on. I'm. Do the screens correctly. I'm back.

Good luck to you.

Thanks, Leslie. Amber, I. I have really enjoyed this, as I did last time. I want to, I want to kind of ask you the. The sort of final thing about this is, you know, we talked a little bit about seeking outside help. If you wanted to give some advice as to how somebody might do that, you know, somebody might seek outside help right now. I mean, here's the great news. I think people are more accessible now than they've ever been. You know, like, so if, if you were, you know, if you were going to give somebody advice about how they could get the right help to make sure they really do. Because look, what I'm saying here, I'm not being elegant, is I think sometimes people turn to the wrong people for help. In other words, they go and complain to their girlfriend about their husband or they go complain to their boy, boyfriend, friend. Doesn't sound right for some reason, but they go complain to one of their man friends about their wife. And often that just turns into a bit of a negative spiral. So talk to me about, you know, somebody's looking for help. Obviously, my first thing is, hey, go find you. But if you're giving them a criteria, what, what might you suggest?

So I would say, you know, for me, there's. There's so many different mental health professionals out there, and finding the right fit for you, this is about being honest with yourself. Right? Because we're all such individuals is key. So I would reach out to friends that you trust to ask them if they've ever worked with somebody that they really appreciated that helped them a lot. To me, like, personal recommendations for this type especially, I mean, it's just like if you, you know, if you wanted a new pediatrician, like, I would go to my mom friends or I would go to a Facebook group that had similar kind of concerns and values as mine and say, does anybody have a great recommendation for a marriage and family therapist or for a psychiatrist or whatever it is that you specifically need and see if you can get some either personal referrals or like I said from. I use a lot of Facebook groups for parents and like, educational reasons. So I would reach out to a couple of those. If none of my personal friends had recommendations, I would post something and say, hey, you know, really struggling here in my relationship. I would love some. Some support. Does anybody have a great experience or a great recommendation for somebody? That's the first thing I would do. Also, I was gonna say, Eric, you mentioned you asked A question earlier that I didn't fully answer, and it's bugging me, so I want to circle back, jump in. But you said, you know, what do we do? How do we give to somebody? Do we give somebody what they need when we're not getting what we're need, what we need? You know, how do I do that? You just keep giving, giving, giving, even though they're not reciprocating. And what I wanted to say to that is, you know, I don't think there's a yes or no answer. But if you do these preventative things and you're really acknowledging and appreciating what you can and you're being honest with yourself and you're slowly increasing your emotional bank account, then it becomes easier to give somebody what they need without expecting something in return or being angry that they don't give it back. Because you have more of a depth, you know, you have this kind of, you know, your. Your emotional bank account has more stuff in it, so you have more to draw on. If you're working with nothing, then, yes, anything that you give is going to be met with a lot of frustration and resentment and anger when it's not returned. You're going to be waiting. You're going to be like, well, I said five nice things to you yesterday. You haven't told me anything nice today. You know, it's going to be this comparison, this competition, which doesn't serve you or the relationship right. So that's why I was really focused so much on what can you do that's preventative, what can you do not only to fill your own bank account, but to fill the emotional bank account in your relationship. And the more you can do that in an authentic way, then you can start pulling from that and giving. But you can't do that if you're already at empty. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, I think it really does. Part of my question wasn't even so much about. It wasn't even so much about, like, do I keep giving if I'm not getting? Because I. My question is even more another level, and that is that do I want to ask for something that I know my partner isn't interested? Like, you know, like, it's a crazy example, but it's like, I would love for you to cook dinner tonight knowing they don't want to, you know, and I am so into. I'm so empathetically connected that I don't like somebody serving in a way that they don't enjoy serving. And so I have A hard time asking for something if I have a perception that the person doesn't enjoy that thing, whether it be cooking, a massage, you know, it doesn't really matter what it is. I. And so that's really more. The question is, I think now, as we become more needs dependent on our partners because we don't have all these social connections coming from elsewhere, it might make us more susceptible to expecting that person to step in an area where maybe they don't want to.

So, yeah, I think you can totally say it. I don't think. But I also think you can ask for help in a way that is more like, you know what? I normally love cooking dinner, but I am spent tonight. Like, I just don't. I really don't want to cook tonight. You know, what can we do? Like, can we, you know, order in? Is there something we can pull out of the. The freezer? Like, do you mind picking it up? I know. And you can say, like, I hate to ask this, because I know you hate cooking, but, like, I'm done. And I. One of the things that Renee Brown just talked about in a. In a podcast I listened to a couple months back was talking about, you know, that it. You need 100% total between the two of you to kind of run your house, to function as a. As a family, so to speak. And so if you can say, like, man, I'm at 20%, and your partner says, you know what? I got you, I'm at 90%, I'm feeling great, like, I can make up the difference. But if you're both at 20%, then, you know, okay, if we're both at 20%, then we need some help. What can we do? What can we let go of? What can we ask the kids to help out with? We need something else to make that up for, because we can't function if we're both at 20%, you know, and so communicating that, like, my husband and I will say, say, like, oof, I hit a wall. That's what we'll say. And so if one of us says we hit a wall, then the other one can say, I'm kind of hitting a wall too. What should we do? Should we just make it movie night and, you know, make super easy pasta, something the kids can help us make? You know, what do we do then? Instead of not communicating that you hit a wall, or you say, I hit a wall, and your partner says, I'm good. Like, I actually fell asleep sleep outside playing with the kids today. And so, like, I feel great. Why don't you go take a bath? And I got this. It's really, like, so much about communication. And if you say, like, hey, I hate to ask this, like, I know you hate doing the laundry, but, like, I'm. We're completely out of towels. And, like, I'm so sick of doing the laundry this week. Like, can we do a trade?

All right, I got one last one for you before we begin to wrap up here. It's. I, Like, I can be quite sort of tactical in the way I want to deal with things. In other words, I like little tricks and tools that can defuse situations. I'll never forget having this. Having this conversation with one of my. Actually, my very first girlfriend. It was just the silliest thing. Like, she. We got cats, and we got this special new cat litter. And what happened with the cat litter was you. It was the scoopable kind. It's when it first came out. Special scoopable cat litter. Very. You know, now nobody has to change that smelly box, right? And it says on the bottle that the cat litter should last, like, you know, it should last for. For, you know, I don't know, three weeks or something like that. But the problem is that the first bottle has to fill the whole thing. And. And so if you, you know. But. So she filled up the cat litter thing, and she only put just enough to make the thing last for three. Three months, which, of course, meant that it all got down in the bottom. So I came home and I realized she'd done it wrong. And I cleaned the thing out and I filled the whole thing up. But of course, we were very. We did not have money. So, like, I used the whole thing, and she didn't understand you have to use the whole one first. And then, you know, so right now the fight begins, man. Like, I. And I can't. And logic, by the way, once somebody's super angry, they don't have a connection to logic. I recognize. And so, you know, we kind of. We got to this point where they yelling, and finally I just stopped at her and I looked at her and I said, you know, I kind of feel like we're at the point of its argument where you either have to start laughing or start crying. I. Either one is okay with me. And you know what? She did both. She did both at the same time. But I guess what I'm really looking for, like, I just. In that moment, I chose to say the right thing. You know, it worked, but many times it hasn't. Do you have. Do you have a mechanism? I Mean, you know, do you guys ever have, say, a disagreement that's starting to get temperature up and do you ever, you know, like, do you have a. Is there a safe word or a hack or do you have any, you know, like, how do you diffuse that kind of tension?

Well, to me it's about knowing. Knowing your partner, right? So like, and knowing yourself. So when you were talking about triggers, acknowledging and knowing your own triggers is key. So if like her trigger was financial stuff and you knew right away, like, and you could figure out right away, oh, she's so freaked out because, like, she's worried about our finances and she feels like, I just wasted 50 bucks on this cat litter for no reason. That's her. You know, as soon as you can get to the source and you realize it's not really. She's not really mad at you, she's afraid about money. And this was a symbol of that. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah.

So like, when, when. And my husband and I, so we both come from families where with single moms, we were only children with single moms and lots of divorces, lots of, you know, and so we have come to the table very differently. So we came to the table very cautious about conflict, almost too far. You know, we would, we would prevent fights when probably a fight would have been helpful. And, you know, and so we've kind of had to learn to fight. Whereas a lot of people come in and they love that and they like the fighting and they, you know, and they're used to it and they don't take offense. We would fight once and then be like, well, does this mean we're breaking up? You know, so it took us a while to fight in a way that we realized, okay, we just have to, we have to work through this. We have to get through this. And it doesn't mean that our relationship will fall apart. It just means this. We're human and we're not going to be completely aligned all the time, but knowing, knowing your triggers. So, like when we first got together, I told him when we first moved into. With each other, and this is kind of similar to your cat story. I said, you know, I have a lot of emotions when it comes to money. So I was the same way. And I said, you know, I get really freaked out and if there's a month that you forget to give me your half of the rent check, I probably am not going to be able to ask you about it. I might still crying, you know, like, just know it's. That's my baggage. And it doesn't have anything to do with you. But if I'm really weird about money, like, that's, you know, just, just know that about me. So I communicated that to him. And what was crazy was instead of saying, well, I'm not your ex, or I'm not this, like, you know, why are you judging me? Like, give me a chance, you know. He didn't say that. He said, well, what if I, what if I write all the checks ahead of time and I just put them in the box and then when you need them, you just take it. And it was so over the top, compensating, you know, and not questioning, well, why would you freak out about that? That's weird. You know, he didn't judge, he didn't take it personally. He just offered a solution that might alleviate my, my overreaction. And it just, it made it so that we never, you know, never became an issue. But that's because I knew that this was a trigger for me and I was able to communicate that in a non judgy way from the beginning.

I have had to overcome something about that in my life, and that is that. I mean, I swear, two years ago, I'd never even heard the word triggered. Suddenly. It's everywhere, right? It's like there's this, it's this thing and, and I have to confess that in my model of the world, it means, oh, I have no power. I'm triggered by that. You know, Like, I, it's how I feel. It's my own judgment. I get that. But it's like, you know, I wrote this thing on Instagram last year that got quite popular. It was like, the easier you are to offend, the easier you are to control. And, you know, it's true.

There's definitely a relationship there.

Yeah. And so I, I, I was having this meeting with our team and, and Andrea, the president of our company, she says that she'd learned this thing, I think it was from Alex Charfen. And they were talking about. It was actually, it was Alex, in fact, he was talking about, look, I just had to go to my team and tell them these are things that I get triggered by and not to do those things. And I was like, you wimp ass. Like, what do you mean? You take responsibility for your triggers. You take responsibility for your triggers. I'm like, yeah, I'm all like. And then like about three weeks later, Andrea writes to me on WhatsApp. She, she goes, we need to talk, but I'm in the middle of a live broadcast so this comes up on the screen like, we need to talk. And I'm going, what's the problem? What's going on? Bear in mind, we've got lockdown. All of our live events have been canceled. We're doing everything we can to, you know, keep the business happy and alive and serve our people. And we need to talk. And I'm like, all through the lab broadcast or whatever meeting I was in, I don't remember, but I just. Like, it was in my head. It was in my head. And then I ended the broadcast and I wrote her a message. I called her and I said, you remember that whole thing about triggers? Well, I have a trigger, it turns out, and I don't want you to do that to me ever again. If you need to talk, you need to tell me why you need to talk. You can write back and say, I need to talk. It's an emergency. I need to talk. Because, you know, there's. It's just for fun, you know, just because for 15 minutes, I stressed out about it. So I think now I realize that, yes, we should still work on our triggers. We should. You know, I feel like the less triggers you have, the more buttons you have, the easier they are to push. But at the same time, I do think it's. I'm now open to the idea that you're discussing about here. Is that. Yeah. Wait a minute now. What if we communicated a little bit about triggers? Hey, I've got some sensitivities about this. I've got some sensitivities about that. Let's. Let's try to be sensitive. I'll be sensitive to try not being triggered, and you be sensitive to try not to trigger, and maybe we get somewhere.

Well, I think two things. You mentioned the good word sensitiv. So trigger is like kind of an extreme version of it. You can say, like, we all have different sensitivities to different things, and they come in different degrees, right? So it's about communicating those. And often once you just communicate it, that kind of disperses some of the trigger. And this is also when you bring it back to teaching your kids and modeling. You know, my kids know, or we call them pet peeves. You know? Well, you know, we teach them them. Like, it's really important when you're dealing with other humans in life. You know, whether you're in college and it's roommates or you're in your first job or whatever it is, the more you can pay attention to what people's triggers are or sensitivities are what their pet peeves are, the better you're going to be able to function and communicate with the people around you, which is a huge skill. So we'll tell the kids, okay, what, you know, what are dad's pet peeves? You know, and he'll say, yeah, know. Rolling your eyes, man. You do not roll your eyes at dad. You do not make a. You not make a disrespectful, like, huff or, you know, anything. Oof. Done. You know, I mean, it's kind of mine too, but, you know, they know that. They know for me, it's like, you know, potty talk or screaming really loud for no particular reason. You know, they know that's like, don't do that around me. Don't do that around me. You know, I don't like it. It's not, you know, I'm sensitive to really loud sounds and that come at me, you know, Whereas they can do that with dad all day long and won't bother him. So we tell them, like, look, you know, we all are. Every. Every human is different. So the sooner you can be really aware of and notice what the people around you like and what they don't like so much, the better you are communicating and the more likable, the more people are going to want to be around you. If you act the same to every single person around you, you know, you're not going to probably be very well liked.

There you go. I just had a memory come up of the very first time I ever encountered triggers. We wouldn't have called it then, but I had this grade four teacher, and her and my relationship was such that by the end of the year, I managed to petition all of the parents to get her fired. Like, we really didn't have a good relationship. But you know, what's funny is, man, did she have a trigger around eye rolling. And man, did I enjoy it. I was. You did not want, like, I was one of the. You know how if you've got a class of 30 kids and there's like one or two kids, and if you lose those two, you lose the class? Yeah, I might have been that. I might have been that student.

Might have been.

Well, listen, Amber, this has been just as fun as the last time. I really, you know, you've got such a nice way of looking at life and looking at relationships and parenting and. And it's just. It's a real privilege to have you on the show every time. Tell me, remind us all, how do we find you? How do we get, ahold, of you. How can you help us?

Well, I created a landing page since our last talk so that I could provide some free gifts and free little, you know, video and some information that might be helpful. So it's under freegiftformoms.com Covid so it's free gift for moms. It can be for dads too. Freegiftformoms.com Covid and I'll send you some tips and things that might be helpful. And then of course I have my book that's called Stretch Marks and a journal that's called Be Truly youy. So they're on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and you can order those. It might be a great Mother's Day gift for any stressed out moms that you know.

That sounds absolutely fantastic. We'll make sure that we share the URLs. We've got it now up on the screen. And please guys, go out and connect with Amber on the various social media places you can. Amber, once again, I really want to thank you for coming back. Maybe one day we'll even have to make it a third appearance. For now, thank you for being our first ever second time guest. It's been a privilege. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Thanks so much.

You too. Thank you, Eric. It's been fun.

It.