ERF 866: If You Struggle With Comparing Yourself To Others, Listen To This

What is going on, guys? Welcome back to another episode of the Eric Roberts Fitness Podcast. I hope you're having a great day thus far. In this episode, we have a highly requested episode. People always love the episodes with the coaches, and today we have 3 of our amazing coaches on the pod today, so you don't have to listen to just me blabber on. We have first and foremost Coach Linda. What's up, Linda? How are you?

Hey, hey guys, doing great.

Let's go! Coach Irene, what's up, Irene?

Hey everybody, how are you?

Doing great, doing better now that you're here. What's up, Coach Judy? How are you? Hi, Coach Judy. How's Germany?

Uh, it's very sunny now, so that's good.

That's very good, actually.

And it's, it's 8 PM and I enjoy this.

Yeah, seriously, not like dark at 5 PM. Um, yeah, so we have a good podcast lined up for you guys today, but before we get into the podcast I, uh, I'm going to ask the coaches something, um, that they don't know about yet, but I'll go. I'll start— no, it's, uh, you actually know, Linda, but, um, I'll start with Irene because she doesn't know. Um, so we were talking about— I'm wearing my Clubhouse retreat shirt. So we do a retreat every year. Not this year. We'll do it early next year. Uh, we have a retreat every year for our clients where we all hang out, we all, uh, work out, we all get Gelato. And, uh, that's the, that's the topic of the question. So we'll start with that, Irene. I am gonna get my own flavor this year for the Clubhouse retreat. So my own gelato flavor I will be getting. What is your, what, what is your, what is your best flavor you think I should be getting for, for my flavor? Are you more of like a chocolatey person? Is it more like caramel, more fruity? Like, what, what do you think my flavor should be?

Hands down chocolate.

What kind of chocolate? Like a Rocky Road? Like, what are you thinking?

I don't, I don't know if I can discriminate against like any chocolate.

I like all of it.

So as much as you can pile on, some brownies, some Oreos.

Are good. Brownies are good. Oreos are good.

Yeah.

And they have really good flavors as it is. So we'll have to see. Okay. What do you, what do you think, Coach Judy, if you're going to make your own, your own gelato flavor? What are you thinking?

Carrot cake.

Carrot cake. Wow, that's a good answer.

Orange in there. There's orange in there.

You know, carrots are orange. Yep, yep. Okay, wow, that's interesting. I'll have to keep that in mind. What would you say, Linda? What is your, uh, what if you had to make one gelato? What is it?

You just— come on, Eric, we all know. The whole world knows at this point. Anything that's got Nutella in it.

Oh man, maybe I— maybe this is what I'll do. Maybe I will make a, a carrot cake chocolate Nutella. That actually sounds pretty good. That actually sounds pretty good. Okay. All right. Well, we will see. I know I would definitely try that. Yeah, I know. I'm gonna have to like, hey, uh, you know, I gotta fly down every week to just, you know, try out the flavors, guys. Like, sorry, but yeah. Okay, cool. I'm definitely— it's gonna be Somebody was— who was asking me this? Oh, I think you. It might have been you, Linda. Or I'm not sure who it was, but they were like, oh, you're gonna do like a fruity flavor. I'm like, no, no, no, no, this is not—

That's not us.

No, we're not a— this is not like— if you're getting gelato, like, it's like the chocolate with the caramel, the cheesecake, like all— like, that's the kind of stuff that we're— The carrot cake. Yeah, the carrot cake. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so cool. Well, all right, that was the part— that was the whole podcast. So, uh, thank you guys for listening. I appreciate it. Uh, no, so today we are, uh, we have a good podcast lined up for you. And the topic will be why you shouldn't compare yourself. And this is— we can talk about this in various different fashions, in whether it's comparing your progress to somebody else's progress, comparing your body to somebody else's body, comparing, you know, all types of things. And I, I think this is gonna be a good podcast, not because only the topic is good and we have amazing coaches here who are talking about it, but I think we might have some differing opinions at times, which will make for a, a good conversation. And so, yeah, I want to start it off. And, and I'll start with you, Linda, if you'd like. When you think about, as, as a coach— and I use that kind of like pre-frame context because, as I always say to all of you guys, we have the best coaches in the world. Sorry, everybody else, uh, that's just the truth. So as a coach, when you think about one of your clients who might be falling into the trap of comparing themselves, again, whether it's their body, whether it's their progress, what— Holy shit. What do you see normally hold people back and trip people up? And then how do you start to reframe that mindset for people?

Yeah, I mean, well, first off, I don't think we're going to have differing ideas on here. I saw Irene and Judy's face. Yeah, you, you're always just problematic though with us. So yeah, I'm saying, yeah, challenge us, Eric.

Yeah.

But no, I mean, it's normal. It's, it's very normal, kind of like human behavior. We see things, we're bombarded with information, social media, books, magazines, TV, the rest of it. And we see a lot of life through filters nowadays. And we're like, it's kind of like information overload. So it's not unusual for a client to kind of like, look at, let's just say, a person on Instagram, and they're looking through a filtered lens, they don't see the whole story, not just from kind of What we see presented to us, but you don't know what's going on in that person's life, right? So a lot of times, like Julie that is on Instagram, like just absolutely crushing her workouts, she might be falling apart at home, and that gym is her like peace, right? So a lot of times somebody might kind of compare themselves there and say, "Oh well, I'm not that dedicated. Look at Julie go." Like there is no Julie, by the way. That Julie is fixed. Fixitious.

Is that right?

Is that the word? But like she might be out there just kind of like you know doing something for her because something else is falling apart in the background. So I think like as far as a reframe point of view, I like to kind of like say, well, look, we're we're all at different starting lines. We have different starting lines, different timelines. Those timelines change as well. So what might be working for one person won't be working for you. And I think that's the importance of our whole coach. Program and our, like, the way we approach each of our clients is not just coach to coach, but client to client. It's individualized. It's not a cookie-cutter plan that we're going to put you on, right? So why would each of us coach the exact same way? Because somebody might be going through something very, very different. So I think the reframe comes from, hey, look where you started. Look what we're learning. Look what we're moving towards, and are we still moving towards that thing? Are we still moving towards that goal? There might be pivot points along the way, but we don't have to, like, ditch our goals just because somebody else might be moving in a different direction. So that's kind of like where I start with, like, the reframe.

Yeah, I love that. I'll, I'll throw it over to— I'll throw it to the rest of you guys, and maybe I'll, I'll put my 2 cents in. Uh, Irene, I'll go to you. When you think about how people sometimes struggle with you know, comparing themselves. What do you see? And then kind of like what Linda said, how do you start to, to reframe that?

Yeah, I often see it whenever I see people get discouraged even though they're making really good progress, but they're still being really hard on themselves. Oftentimes I'll ask like, what do you mean? Like, why are you like— or on their check-ins, for example, I often see like they're giving themselves like, like, how consistent were you on a scale of 1 to 10? I see like a lot of 7s and 6s, and I'm just like, Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Because you were perfect this week. And then they're like, I just, I just always think that I'm supposed to be further along by now. And when we dig deeper, it always does come from a place of comparison. Or for example, I've been seeing this with like the recent challenges we've done when people see others' results and then they're like, oh wow, I feel really down on myself because I didn't get that far. But I'm like, last week before the challenge was over, you were telling me you were Feeling amazing and look how far you've come. But now that you are looking at others' progress is when you start feeling down on yourself. Then that I kind of do the same thing as Linda, where I'm like, okay, let's look. Let's zoom out and look at where you started versus where you are now. Look at all the obstacles you've overcome and how this is very much your story and no one else's. And I remind them too, like the same way you have all of these things and all these obstacles that came about in the in your last couple of weeks, last couple months. With coaching, these people did too. And you can't expect that the plan's going to work the same way for you. For example, like, if you compare Eric and I on a cut, like, that's just like apples and oranges. Like, that's never going to be equal. He is a guy, I am a woman. Like, we eat different things, we live a different life to an extent. So it's, it's just like you can't really put one against the other and expect to have the exact same results when we all have different lives, different biology, different everything. So everybody's gonna look different. And that usually does help people a ton to just kind of see it that way and zoom out.

Yeah, we live similar lives, but somewhat different. I agree. But yeah, cool. I love that. What do you have, Judy? What do you normally see in your clients who might be comparing? And then how do you start to reframe it?

It's funny that Irene should mention you because that's what I do. Um, is I ask people if, like, the one thing they want is typically they want something. They want to lose weight faster. They want to look a certain way. They want— doesn't even need to be just kind of fitness, but they want the car, they want this career, they— whatever they want, I ask them if they want to live the life that is necessary to be lived, if they want that particular thing, or if they just want that but they're not willing to put in the work or to live that whole life. I say, you, you, we cannot compare, or we cannot want one thing from someone's life and not want the rest of it, like Linda already said. Like, um, we're gonna have to take the whole thing. And I actually asked them, like, when you And Eric, when you post your update on how your cut is going and how your deficit is and all that, like, your weight loss might be really fast. And I asked my clients, if you want fat loss this fast, do you want to live Eric's life? Funny enough, nobody ever says yes.

Damn, fuck my life. Okay, fair enough.

But, you know, I also talk with them, I talk about comparison Like the bigger picture of comparing yourself to someone else is, are they willing to compare themselves to people who are not doing as well as they are? Because typically, when they compare themselves to someone else, they'll be, this one, this person is doing better, this person has better abs, this person is losing weight faster, but they're never looking at someone who either themselves 6 months ago or someone else who is not on a fitness journey, who's not working out, who's not having developing all the habits that they are developing. They're always just looking at people who have it better, so to speak, never at the probably 90% of the population who are not investing into their health and fitness. And I say, well, if you compare yourself to that person who's further along, You also got to compare yourself to someone who's not doing anything for themselves.

Yeah, I mean, I love that you talk about that. Like, you know, it's like, like they say, like, what you admire might not be actually aligning with what you want, right? And it is, it's super, super interesting when you say, okay, you used Eric as a perfect example there. It's like, well, yeah, no, I, I don't want to like do exactly that. And it's like, okay. Then let him have his moment in the sun. It's like, it's okay, right? Like, we can all have our own individual moments in the sun. That's like acceptable, you know? And I know, like, having raised like my daughters, they're adults now. There was plenty of times in my journey where I'm like, oof, I'm going a lot slower than somebody that maybe doesn't have kids. But I'm like, as long as I'm still going, I'm gonna get there. I think sometimes we put this arbitrary finish line. It's like, oh, I gotta do this by this time, and it's the same finish line. Like, everybody's got to get there, like, within the next, like, 6 to 12 months. I'm like, said who? Said who? We've got a long life, God willing, as I knock on wood there. But I'm like, hopefully we're all going to be kind of like, you know, 80, 90, 100 years old plus with what we're all doing. That's the goal. That's the ultimate goal there. I'm like, the finish line, you can move that finish line. You can keep moving it as long as you keep moving towards it.

Yeah. I mean, this is already a great conversation. I think some of the things I think that come up for me is I think I'm not, and I could be mistaken on this, but maybe somebody can fact check me. I think in the US, I think there's like 20, roughly 20% of people have a gym membership. So like 2 out of 10 people even have a gym membership. Now we all know gyms, and maybe people don't know this, gyms make their money because people don't go to the gym. If everybody went to the gym, they wouldn't be able to stay in business. So out of those 20%, let's say 10% actually go. And so to all you guys' point, it's like, okay, you're gonna compare in one way, you gotta also compare in the other way. Like, if you're even working out, like, you're in the top, you know, 80-90 percentile of— we'll just use the US. I know Judy's outside of the US, but we'll use the US. Like, you're in the top 80-90% of the people. So like, You have to kind of give yourself some credit there. And to the point also, I was listening to a podcast the other day because I like business, and so I'm like listening to podcast business, and they were talking about like Elon Musk and whatever thing about Elon Musk, whatever. They were talking from a business standpoint, and he was kind of saying like most people want to be the richest person in the world, or they want to have success, or they want to have the this and the that. And it's like, but you don't actually know what comes with it, like the amount of work, effort, sacrifice, and, and whether it's business or whether it's having a certain type of body, losing weight a certain amount. It's like, I think Judy, you said this perfectly. You can't just have one part of the life. You have to have everything else that comes along with the life. And so I think just sometimes people lose sight of— they only, because of social media, they only see the highlight reel. That is all you're seeing of people's lives. And so you're comparing your entire life to their highlight reel. And again, this, this is a perfect example of this. Whenever— and it's funny, this podcast will come out after I go to Florida, but I'm going to Florida. I'm renting a Lamborghini. Yay, fun, great. If I post a picture of me in the Lamborghini— I had this the other day. Somebody was like— like, I made a post and it was like different. When I went to Colorado, I rented a car. When I went to Florida, I rented a car. And some guy was like, man, you have like all these cars. And I'm like, they're actually— none of them are mine. Like, they're actually just rentals when I go to the places. So, and I told him, I was like, that's how social media can like deceive you. Like, if you're not seeing the real picture. And now, before social media, I don't know, you know, the age that I am before, I would say like 8th grade. I think, I think I remember it's like 8th, 7th, 6th grade, somewhere around there was like when Facebook and MySpace and that like started to become a thing. So I like kind of remember life before social media and you weren't like— all I saw was like my parents and the kids I went to school with and like that was pretty much it. Like, I didn't really know anything else. And now with social media, you literally see everybody else in the world and it's like we've never lived in a time like this before. So like the comparison is so much more now because you have access to see so many more things. And so it's definitely tough and it's definitely something that I think a lot of people struggle with. And that'll be my next kind of question. I'll start with you, Judy, if you'd like. Have you ever personally struggled with comparison in your own fitness journey? Or you could just use life in general. If you have struggled with it, how do you think you were able to, to kind of overcome it?

I don't, I don't think so when it comes to health and fitness, because when I first started, you know, I got into it because something, some other shit happened in my life, and I was like, I need to do something for myself. I need to, I don't know, something that no one can ruin for me. And, um, I never wanted to lose a certain amount of weight or build a certain amount of muscle or change my body.

Yeah.

liked pretty much like most of myself. And I was always fine with just doing what I'm doing. And I was never into competing or anything, which I think comparison comes a lot from competing with others or feeling the need to compete with others. I'm not really, but my— it's more so when it comes to mental health. So people know that I'm an advocate for that stuff just because I struggle with it so much. And that is actually something where I— not that I'm comparing myself to others, but a lot of the thoughts I'm having around that is, why can I not be normal? Why do I have to deal with this? Um, how can someone else heal and I can't? And like, whenever like anxiety, depression, all that stuff comes back, I'm like, everyone else is doing fine in therapy, why is this not working for me? Stuff like that. Where I somehow get into that mindset of this is hard for me and not for anyone else, which obviously I know is not true. I have— I'm— but I think I'm doing a pretty good job not doing that comparison game or that poor me kind of mindset when I'm not in a, in a like depressive state. When I am, well, my brain's just fucked. But you know, um, I, I've— I'm very good about— I said that earlier on the Q&A, like writing stuff down and knowing that the thoughts I'm having are not always reality. They're just thoughts. So, and the same thing applies to when you're, you're comparing your journey to someone else's journey, is you can— you have those thoughts come up like, this person is doing better and, and this person is looking better and all that. But you can distance yourself from those thoughts. Just because you're thinking that and you're seeing one thing, you can distance yourself from that. You can actually write it down, or you can, like Jen mentioned earlier on our Clubhouse Q&A, you can actually have a conversation with yourself and like have it out loud. Like look in the mirror and say those things out loud, and you will probably hear that they are somewhat ridiculous. Or you can Um, what I wanted to mention earlier when, when Jen said that she has these conversations is, um, and what I do with my clients, actually a very practical thing that I do with my clients is I ask them to change the perspective and kind of either pretend that they're talking to a friend or I make them do their own check-ins. For example, I did that once with one of my clients and I said, well, you look at the data now and you pretend you're Coach Judy and you're doing the check-in this week. And they, they are kind of forced into that position of looking at the positive because they know that is how the check-in works, is we look at the positive, we look at stuff that needs work, and, um, and the, like, the, the total picture. Whereas a client, you don't always have to do that, and that is my job. But, um, yeah, I make them look at that and say, like, well, you're the coach now, what would you say? Or Pretend you're talking to a friend, um, to overcome this kind of— this being stuck in their own head.

I love that. It's like, I know Jordan Peterson said this. I think one of his, like, rules is something along the lines of, like, treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping. Because when we treat ourselves like ourselves, we don't give a fuck. But, like, if you're— if you're responsible for somebody else— parent, kids, friends, whoever— It's like you're going to be so much more kind, you're going to be so much more supportive, like you're going to be like, ah, like here's the real answer, here's the reality of it. But then to ourselves, it's like, what the fuck, man? So, um, yeah, I, I love that. What about you, Irina? Have you ever struggled with, uh, kind of the comparison? And if yes, how do you think you were able to kind of navigate and overcome it?

Oh, where do I start? Um, I feel like my whole life is part of that, because like I come from just my background in general, like being somebody— like I was born in a different country growing up here. I mean, comparison was everything I've ever known and trying to blend in. So like seeing who I am and how everybody else is different and how I don't want to be different, but I am. That's been kind of like the theme of my life or how things have to be. I always tell myself, I'm like, why does everything have to be a little bit harder for me and everything that I have to do? Which is like, we don't have to trauma dump right now. But anyway. If I had to pick like one situation, I would say that's the most recent. And it kind of does tie in with fitness in general. I don't know if many of you know, I got into powerlifting. So I got into it because I like lifting heavy weights. And Coach Mary just inspired the crap out of me. And Eric knows. We were actually just talking about it yesterday where, like, a little slight side note, when I would send him my deadlift videos, Eric was like, this is your thing. And I was just like, oh, yeah, OK, I like to run. And he's like, no, this is your thing.

I'm like, OK.

So, and it is actually, I haven't thought, I didn't stop thinking about it since. So I love it. I really truly do love it. And I love prepping for it. The everything was so much fun leading up to meet day. I don't know what happened. Well, I do know what happened. Like it was very overwhelming. I was very stimulated. And as someone with ADHD, that environment was just new and it was a lot going on at once. And I just like blanked out. I, I mean, did I do well? Yes. I finished my third attempt deadlift. I, deadlifted like 330 pounds. And I know to some people that's really impressive. To me, I was just like, I've done better. And I was like picking everything apart because why? I was looking at everybody else deadlifting like 500 pounds, or they've been through this, they have clean technique, they, they had a coach. I didn't even have a coach. I just trained myself and just showed up. Like, it was my first experience. And when I signed up, I said, this is just to get my feet in the, like, in the water. I just want to test it out and see what happens. And then, and I'm there and I didn't have that mindset. I was like, I want to do great. I want to be like everybody else. I want to have all this. Like, I just put that immediate pressure on myself and compared to everybody else. And of course, when I put all that pressure on myself in an unfamiliar environment that I'm not comfortable with, of course I didn't do as good as I wanted. But at the end of the day, did I get a medal? Yes, I was on the podium. They gave me a medal. I completed it. I— everything that I had intended for that day to be. It was. But yet I'm still here feeling like crap and about to quit. I'm like, I'm never doing this again. Like, from like the middle of the event, I said, I'm never doing this again. But then I got a medal, I finished, and my goal was completed, but I was still not happy. So I really had to like sit with that for like 2, 3 days and really reflect. Like, you— I'm like literally talking to myself, taking the emotions out of it, and I'm like, You did what you said you wanted to do. So that's what, that's what I did. I took the emotion out and I decided from a place of facts, like, I did what I wanted to do and I still got a medal. And I am proud of that. At the time that I got it, I felt like I didn't deserve it. And, and then now I'm talking back to myself. I'm like, that is stupid. I deserve that medal. And after that, like, couple days, I'm like, no, I'm doing this and I'm going to do it. better next time. So I hired a coach and I found someone that is helping me and I'm really enjoying it again. I'm getting really strong and I signed up for my next meet. So I didn't quit. And that's where comparison really, really almost made me quit something I love, which is dumb now that I think about it.

So anyway.

Yeah, but I, but I think too, again, it's— but I mean, to the point, like, that's, that's the, the mental battles that people go through. And it's crazy because you're like, I love it, I love it, I love it. And it's like when you're there, it's like, I hate this. And it's like, what the fuck? Like, what do you mean you hate this? Like, I thought you liked this. And it's just, you know, the pressure, the expectations that we put on ourselves. I think that's, you know, I think that's a leading driving factor too for comparison is like the pressure and the expectations that, again, I think those are good to a degree and having a really high standard. But like, to your point, like they're unrealistic at times and you would never give them to anybody else. And so, yeah, I think that's that's super important. What would you say, Linda, in terms of kind of if you struggle with comparing yourself, then how do you think you're able to kind of navigate that?

Uh, I love competing, um, because I think I just get into my own head about competing with myself. Um, there's been definitely big challenges where I've felt envious of a circumstance, um, You know, when I've been injured and I couldn't do something that I loved, like Irene's talking about, like loving something. And I'm like, when you have that love, it just changes things completely. It's like it then becomes more of our— I'll never forget this. One of my, like, Taekwondo master instructors, and he was like, just— I was, like, freaking out over a competition that was coming up. He's like, just do it. Win or lose, just do it. And it was such a simple statement at the time. And I'm like, Yeah, like I'm doing something that I actually love. It doesn't matter if I get my ass beat or not, or I beat somebody's ass. I'm like, this is something that makes me feel whole, right? The worst thing that ever happened to me during those years was like when I broke my foot and I couldn't practice. And I saw like this goal. This was like way, way at the beginning. And I'm like, I knew like I wanted to get like my first degree black belt. I'm like, dude, I just got like taken out. And all my classmates that started at the same time as me, they're all like going ahead of me. So it wasn't like I was comparing myself. It was that I was envious that they were getting to do something and I felt like I was getting left behind. Once I kind of like had my little pity party for like a hot second, which I certainly did, I just kind of like said, okay. But my goal, like I said earlier, I'm like, Don't let your goal change. So what if you have to take a different road or that's a slower road or it's an uphill road and you wanted it then? Don't lose sight of the actual goal. And what is the goal? Well, my goal isn't Irene's goal. It's not Eric's goal. It's not Judy's goal. It's Linda's goal, right? That's my goal. So I get to go and have that. And I still like, you know, have that joy in that. And when I look back, one of you two like said earlier, which I was like, yes. Like, look, when you're comparing, look at who else in the world is doing what you're doing. There is a fraction of people that will use that gym membership that they signed up for. There is a fraction of people that will ever step foot on a powerlifting stage. There is a fraction of people that will ever have like a black belt, let alone a 4th degree fucking black belt. I did that, right? I'm like, a little bit of help from Eric with a little, like, you know, the work ethic part. But I'm like, when I look at that, I'm just like, I'm so kind of like, oh wow, that's cool, right? And I think if we approach it from that, like, this is my goal. And like, be selfish with your goal. Like, like, that's your toy. Like, don't let anybody take that toy away from you. That's your toy. Like, you— that brings you happiness. When I see Judy doing her, like, Flex Fridays, I'm like, Holy shit, this is so fucking awesome. I don't have a flex like that, but I am so like, just, it lights my heart up to see her in her element being happy. When I saw you complete that lift in your competition, I was crying. I'm like, that, that is more important. Like when we have the empathy for somebody else's goal. While protecting our own, I think the comparison thing can kind of like, you, you kind of like walk away from that a little bit more. So I don't know if that answered the question.

No, that's, I have a great follow-up question. I want to hit something really quickly, which is number one, there's a, maybe some of you guys know, do you guys know what Boston Market is? I know, Linda, you probably know what Boston Market is. Irene? Yeah. Okay. So there's a story with— Judy's like, the fuck is Boston Market? There is a— there was a place called Boston Market. It was like, you know, like, what was it? You go like get chickens and stuff there, right? Like not actual, like live chickens. Like you would go buy like a chicken. And so that and Chick-fil-A started around the same time. And there was a period of time where Boston Market basically just took on a fuck ton of money. To grow very, very quickly, and the people who were in Chick-fil-A—they were the competitors—and they were like, "Fuck! They're like kicking our ass right now." But the owner of Chick-fil-A was like, "I don't need to go faster. I just need to focus on making the best chicken sandwich that I possibly can." And over time, like yeah, the stock of Boston Market went up for a period of time, but then they eventually went bankrupt and out of business because they didn't like. Yeah, they went faster in the short term, but not in the long run. And now Chick-fil-A is a fucking multi-billion dollar company all over the world. So it's like, yeah, they were faster at one point, but like you play the long game and like, you know, you don't compare yourself and change your strategy that you know is right because you see somebody else doing it faster or it's not going fast enough. It's like you focus on the inputs, you focus on if I'm doing the right things and if I am, the right things are going to happen. And You know, I think in terms of my own kind of comparison, it used to be like my body. I used to compare like, oh, I'm not that jacked, or oh, I don't have as big of legs, or people make fun of my calves, or whatever the fuck the thing was. And like, that was it for a while. And I'd never say it never goes away. I guess I just don't give a fuck as much anymore about that. But for me, it's very much like business because I'm very much like, fuck, this person's doing this, this person's doing this, this person's accomplishing this. They're doing X amount of revenue per year. Why the fuck aren't I doing that? I'm a piece of shit. I should fucking do more. It's like we get into these traps and then it's like, bro, you just turned 29. Like, I don't know. Like, it's, it's, and I think sometimes it's hard to give ourselves credit for a lot of these things. And it was interesting what you just said, Linda, was like, I did that. That's my black belt. But it's funny because most people don't ever give themselves the credit for what they do. And so you can start on that one if you'd like. Why do you think it's so hard for people to give themselves credit and be— call it be happy, call it be like excited? Like, why do you think it's so hard for people to give themselves credit for what they've accomplished?

I think honestly, like, we forget, like, when we, when we grow up, we forget to like keep a little bit of that childlike kind of like vision of the world around us. I really, really do. Like, you know, and I've had like not great shit going on in my life, just like everybody, right? But I'm like, I, I, I'm like, sometimes you got to fight through that shit. Sometimes you got to like replay your highlight reel. And I— this is something I do with a lot of my clients, um, both one-on-one clients and, and our semi-private clients. I'm like, Do your highlight reel. They're like, what the hell's a highlight reel, Linda? And I'm like, write down 5 to 10 things that you've overcome in your entire life, that you have overcome and you've been proud of. And they're like, what? And I'm like, do it. Because when you do that, you force yourself to remember exactly who you are, right? Like, and it's got nothing— it's funny because when you look at a highlight reel, it's got nothing to do with being perfect. It's always got something to do with what you overcame. Irene, you stood on that stage and you were just like, holy shit, I'm terrified and I'm overwhelmed and blah blah blah blah blah. I'm like, that part there was part of your highlight reel because you overcame it. If you'd walked out there and just been like, I got this, this is nothing, it wouldn't have been so impactful to reach the point that you did. Right? Judy, when you struggle with like a depressive episode, I'm like, when you come out of it, you're like, shit, I survived that shit, right? And it wouldn't be like so impactful when you're on the up end if you hadn't have like had to go through that. Do we want to go through struggles? Nobody does. Like nobody does. We would love to have a like charmed life, but I'm like, I kind of argue with that because I'm like, if it's that charmed, then do we like really, really appreciate the good moments that happen? You know, so that that part there, like I just kind of like lock into the belief that it's gotten better before. I'm batting 100% survival rates thus far, so I may as well keep going and like you know figure that shit out because the alternative is what? We sit there and we become too scared to try things, or we sit there and become too scared to like. You know, be something that we wanted to be. That just like it doesn't really register to me. I was talking to a client of mine the other day, and she was like, you know, we went through that practice, and she's like, well, I finished a marathon. I'm like, okay, let's write that shit down already. And she's like, yeah, but I wasn't. I was like, no, stop. But I wasn't the fastest in the race. I'm like, what are you? Are you freaking kidding me? You do realize less than one percent of the entire world's Population will ever finish a marathon. You are in the elite, my friend. And then it was like, oh, so every single one of us is out there accomplishing something like beyond our scope. It's up to us to write it down and really start kind of like realizing how special we are.

I'm in the 99%. So whoever that was, kudos to you. Yeah, I love that. What do you think, Judy? Why do you think it's so hard for people to give themselves credit and actually like the things they are accomplishing? Why is it, is it almost like never, never good enough?

Yeah, to add to what Linda said, I, I have a client, she finished a 50K trail race. She said, um, she's not doing enough. And, um, I said, you are one of 0.001 percent who has finished a 50K race. So, um, yeah, but there is a saying in German. I'm gonna say it in German.

Let's go, let's go!

Um, it says Eigenlob stinkt, which pretty much means self-praise stinks. So if you praise yourself and you're proud of yourself and you tell say it out loud. You say, I did this really well, or I look really good today, or whatever it is. But if you praise yourself, that stinks, which I guess, um, and that's not only in Germany, but you recorded a podcast on that, um, same topic of like, we don't always need to be humble. Like, we can, we can talk about our accomplishments and we can tell people that we are proud because we put in the work. It's— we can be proud of the work that we put in because we were not gifted those things that we have, right? Most of us, I guess. And if you are proud, you should tell people that you're proud. And I actually witnessed something very— something that I liked but also made me almost sad is Christian's daughter. So my partner's daughter— Christian says hi, by the way. Yeah, for sure. He's with us for the summer break. And I witnessed both of them sitting in front of the mirror and looking at themselves and saying, I am beautiful. And they sat there just looking at themselves. And she looked at him and she was like, but I don't like saying that. That is very uncomfortable saying that out loud. And she's 7, right? So she has already learned.

Yeah.

it's uncomfortable to say that I am beautiful and that I like myself. And, you know, it's, it's cool to say that to someone else. It's cool to tell someone else you look great or you did really well. But I mean, sometimes I see her sit there and be like, I'm a really good painter, or I can do stuff really well. And she does that. But it seems to be with just culture and upbringing also that It's somewhat frowned upon to talk about your accomplishments and all the things you did. Like, in my life recently, I've had a lot of change. I moved, I moved in with my partner. I like— this career is fairly new, all that stuff, everything all at once. There's now a child in my life. And, um, I guess when I talk to my clients, they always ask me like, but how are you? There's a lot going on in your life. And I'm always like, It's fine, this is fine. But then if someone else did that and all these life changes happened for them, I'd be like, how do you even do that? I guess for ourselves we're just not that impressed. Um, but I guess we need to practice that, is just practice it just like we practice everything else. Just saying it like Linda said, do that, create that highlight reel, tell yourself, I am proud of this today. And write it down, or say it to someone, or put it up like a— I don't know, put it up your wall, or have a vision board, stuff like that, where you're like, just like, this is what I'm proud of this year, or this week, or today. And sometimes it's small things. Sometimes it's, I'm proud that I mopped the floor, and sometimes it's, it's bigger things like, I ran a 50K trail race.

Yeah, agreed. Yeah, you know, there was a podcast I did with like, you know, being humble and, and whatnot, and I have some other thoughts on that, but I'll, I'll throw it to you, Irene. Why, uh, why do you think people struggle with kind of giving themselves credit and these accomplishments sometimes?

Honestly, I think it's human nature that we kind of reach a goal or do have an expectation. Once we meet it, it's kind of like who we become, and then we kind of forget that We did that, and then we just look for the next thing. I think we're always looking for novelty or the next thing of how we can improve, and we just kind of get used to what was once everything we wanted. We have it, but we don't sit there and acknowledge the fact of how far we've come. I can tell you that for myself. Like currently, if I look from a place of gratitude, I have everything I've dreamt for a year ago, five years ago. But I don't sit and think about it. I'm always thinking about what I don't have. So we've— we're focused on what we lack, not what we have. And I think that's where it all comes from. It's— and it's hard to be proud of yourself when you're busy picking yourself apart all the time. So instead of just approaching your life with— in a place of gratitude every single day and realizing, like, I did that, I did do that. And your whole mindset, your life really does change when you step back and think of things that way. of how you are doing well instead of what you're lacking. A lot of the times when I see my clients struggle mindset-wise, I make it basically their only homework assignment for the week is to give me a daily, um, something that they're grateful for every single day, like no matter what it is. And I always have them kind of reshift their focus quite quickly after that. And they oftentimes are like, can, can I keep that going? I'm like, absolutely. So their tracker is full of Gratitude. And I think that's super, super important. But I also tell people, like, don't think that there's anything wrong with you for thinking this way. I just tell them, I'm like, this is very valid. We are all like that. We often forget, but it's also important to keep reminding ourselves that we can, we can challenge that.

No, it's funny, Irene. I just came across like a reel I made back when I had like my Instagram account. And it's you. I almost sent it to you yesterday because it was like you were— do you remember it? And it was like from your starting and your evolution. I'm like, oh my God, I should send that. I'll need to send over.

Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Um, I love that. So I'm gonna not push back on something. I was gonna use like dramatic effect, but I wanna say something, Irene. You said like we're all like that. I don't think we're all like that. I think people who are high achievers are like that because you will have people who just like, they don't give a fuck. And, and that's what I would tell people too. And this is kind of segueing into probably maybe the, the final part of it, the final question. But it's like, if you want to achieve things, you're always going to want more. You're always going to want to push for more. You always want to reach new standards. And like, I don't think that's a fucking bad thing. In fact, that's probably a really good thing. If I didn't If I were to say when I maxed out my one-on-one coaching roster, if I was like, okay, I'm good, none of this would be happening right now. So it's like, and again, we're not all like this, but you, if you are a high achiever and you think like this, you're a high achiever. Like you are in the top like 1% of people who want more for their life. And that's not a fucking bad thing. Like, that's a really good thing. So even the fact that you want that and you want to do more, do it faster, do it better next time, like, give yourself credit for that. Give yourself credit for being a high achiever and not just being somebody who doesn't give a fuck about anything in their fucking life. Like, that in and of itself, I think, is a massive point that people miss. And even shifting that mindset, it's like, oh shit, like, that makes me feel better already. Awesome. Like, let's go. So It's a part of that reframing and it kind of goes into the final question, like, and you can, you can start on this one, Irene, if you'd like. Do you think, do you ever, do you think there is a healthy amount of comparing yourself? Do you think there is a healthy amount of not being satisfied? Do you think there's a healthy amount of like, yeah, I understand I did these things, but I want more? Or do you always think it's a, it's a bad thing? To like not be like to compare yourself or to not be satisfied.

Absolutely. I'm really actually glad you took it that way because I was— I wanted to say comparison can be good. And that is also probably why I just said like, you know, it's human nature because guess what? I'm surrounded by you guys. Like, this is my peer group. Like, I talk to you guys more than most people in my life. So I am surrounded by high achievers. I'm surrounded by the best coaches in the world. So therefore, I think this is normal. Like, we all just want to keep on getting better. And then to your point, it's good. Like, comparison is good. I look at every single person on this team when we have our team meetings and I'm just like, oh my God, am I doing enough? Because everybody's freaking amazing. That— I mean, I always come out with great ideas and I implement them myself and I get better from it. So for that reason alone, I do think comparison could be an amazing thing. I'm not someone that's ever going to be satisfied, and the fact that I am like that is something I love about myself. So I'm— is it hard sometimes? Is it stressful? Yes, very stressful. I'm stressed out a lot, but I know I have a good support system. Everybody here I have, um, and coincidentally, everybody in my life is the same way. Just like, I just— the same kind of people gravitated towards me, so I have My best friends, everybody is just a high achiever and has the same mindset as me. And to the point, like, we, we use each other, we compare ourselves to each other often. And that is why it's special. That is why we have what we have and continue to grow is because of that, because we have— we compare ourselves to each other, to the best.

Yeah. And I'm going to throw it to you, Judy, next. But I want to make a point about this, too. You mentioned it's, it's stressful.

Trust me.

I— yes, I, I get it. I hear you. But I also, again, I think people think sometimes they can opt out of the stress. Linda said this earlier, like, your life isn't gonna be this fucking, like, just magical thing where, like, it's euphoria. Like, you can either be stressed out because you're a high achiever and you want to push yourself and you want to do more and you want to live a better life, you want to make more money, have better, like, whatever it is. You can be stressed out that way, or you could be stressed out that nothing is going on in your life. You hate your job, you don't like where you work, the people around you aren't supportive, you can barely pay the bill. Like, you're not gonna opt out of the fucking stress. So like, if somebody out there thinks that it's gonna happen, it's not gonna fucking happen. You're not gonna live in this euphoria sometimes. So, you know, yeah, it's a little bit stressful, but like, such is life. Like, you're not gonna get around the fact of it, and I would rather Have a fruitful life that yeah, maybe I have some stress in my life, but there are a lot of great things that come from that as opposed to not having that and then still being stressed anyway. Like so, yeah. So I know Judy, you're usually more calm than I am. So if you want to take a different approach on that one, feel free. But you know, again, I'll ask you the same thing. Like, do you think there's a healthy level of comparison? Do you think there's a healthy level of not? Being able or not feeling like it's good enough.

2 hours ago you said you were never stressed.

Yeah, but this is what I'm saying. Like, because I, I don't think of it that way. Like, truly, I'm like, I know the alternative. Like, because I lived a life where, like, I liked what I did, but I didn't love what I did. I liked what I did because of the people I was with and I was an in-person coach and all these sort of things. But I was like, God, I want so much fucking more. And now that it's here, it's like, to me, it's like I would choose this every day of my life. Like, this is all— so yeah, sorry, keep going, Juju.

Yeah, there is inspiration and there's envy. If the comparison— I would say if the comparison from a long-term perspective, you gotta ask yourself, is this hurting me or is this benefiting me? Right? So there is inspiration like you talk about a lot. You have— you are in the business space and you see other people and you tend to compare yourself with them. But you're also kind of looking up to them as in, I wanna be either where they are or I, I wanna progress like they do in my personal direction that I wanna go in. So if it's— if you're, if you're taking it as inspiration, like Irene said, you're looking at other people who are further along or who know other things than you know, or like, I, I want to write programs like Mary does. Um, I don't necessarily want to lift that heavy, but you know.

Yeah.

I look at other people's strengths and, um, things that they can do that I cannot yet do, and that is what I look like. That is the exact thing. I cannot yet do them, but if I want to know these things or similar things or get on a similar journey, can I learn from them how to do that, right? And be inspired by them. So I think that is a good way of comparing yourself to someone else.

Like using it as motivation as opposed to like, oh, I can't do this, or I didn't do that, or I'm not there yet. It's like if you can use it for a positive fuel source, that's an entirely different story at that point. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. What do you think, Linda?

Exact same thing as the ladies here. Um, like, I don't look at it as comparison. I look at it as, like you just said, fuel. I look at it as inspiration. When you go into a room of, like, high-performing people, whether it's in a competition, a meet, a race, a, a business meeting, whatever it is, and you're in a room of people that are, like, You know, wherever you want to say, you use it for fuel to make yourself reach that level too, right? I think a lot of people when they get into the competition game, they get stuck. It's like, oh my, my, like they're, they're like running along and then the, the trail gets a little bit muddy and their boots get like bogged down with mud and then they're like, oh my God, and then they get like frozen. It's like that you get frozen in an unhealthy level of competition. So if you find yourself and your mood going down that route, that's that you like, you asked, where's the level, right? Where's the balance there? If you feel yourself getting heavy with indecision and you stop moving, you just tip the scales and you need to tip them back again and instead course correct, right? Use it for inspiration. Use it for fire. Like, I'm an Aries. I'll like walk straight into a wall of fire, apparently. Um, but it's like, you know, the person you're competing with is truly yourself. The person you're competing with is who you were yesterday. Like today when I was training, I was doing something for time and I'm like, okay, tell me what my time was last week. All right, this was your time last week. I'm like, all right, go. I like, I, I'm like, I was comparing to me, right? And I used myself as like that motivator. So I think like that's the balance. When you start feeling your like shoes getting muddy and you can't move anymore, you gotta course correct and use inspiration versus comparison in a negative manner.

Yeah, I was listening to Kobe Bryant talk one day, like when he was like a rookie, he was like coming into the league and they would ask him like, you're playing against Michael Jordan and all these people. And he was like, I— he was like, that was so fun because he was like, where do I stack up?

Yeah.

Where do I stack up? Whether I lose, whether I win, whether whatever. It's like just looking at it from like, where do you stack up? Where do you fall? What skills do you have? Where— what skills are you deficient in? And I think a lot of times I struggle with this sometimes too, but I think a lot of times people will put their self-worth into whatever it is. And so if I don't perform well on business or a social media post doesn't do well or whatever, it's like I suck. It's like, no, no, you don't suck. Maybe that post sucked, or like maybe you didn't do your best this time, but it's like there's gonna be a next time. And so like you learn from it. And if— but if you're so stuck in like, I suck, this sucks, I'm guilty, shameful, all these sort of emotions, you don't get the opportunity to use it as fuel. You just get stuck like you mentioned. And so yeah, I think there's absolutely a healthy level of competition. Go ahead.

Well, I mean, it's funny because like I remember way, way back in another world and in another career that I had, and I was like Oh God, I was in my 20s, so that was like 3,000 years ago now. And I was working for Red Lobster Darden Restaurants. And when I came out of training, they had like, I tell you what, back in the day, it was like 16 weeks of like hardcore training. You thought you were going into boot camp. I'm like, it's a fucking Red Lobster. So I got out of training and they're like, okay, where do you wanna go? And I'm like, there was this general manager who ran one of the restaurants in Williamsburg, John Morning. John Morning, if you are listening and you are out there, I think of you to this day.

Shout out to John.

He was known as an absolute badass. Like, people were terrified of this man because he ran such a tight ship. And I'm like, I wanna go to Williamsburg. And they were like, what? Are you insane? We can make that happen tomorrow because nobody wanted to go work for him. And I'm like, that's where I want to go. My first day there, he was like, Linda, right? I'm like, yes. He's like, come with me. And I'm like, oh shit. He's like, let's go for a walk. He took me out of the restaurant. We're walking along the restaurant. He goes, so I hear that you requested this transfer to my restaurant. Why is that? And I'm like, I heard you were the best. And he's like, you know my reputation, right? Like, he like had the like Everything pouring off him. I'm like, yeah, I do. And he goes—he looked at me, he looked me up and down. He goes, okay. And that was it. We went back into the restaurant. I'm like, fuck. But I'm like, use competition that way. Like elevate. Put yourself in the room of people who high achieve. Put yourself in the club house where you see people lifting and overcoming. Like you know things in their life. Put yourself in semi-private where like coaching with us where there's like people that are like different levels. Put yourself in our one-on-one coaching. Level up. Use the competition to level up in a positive way, the way we've been talking about, and like just like have fun with it. That's the other thing. Like have fun. Like don't don't be so scared of your own shadow that you don't know what you can achieve.

That's a bar, Linda. That's what the kids say these days. That's a bar. Um, no, I, I love that. And again, what comes to mind for me is, again, it's Kobe. Kobe, he had a story about Michael Jordan, like the first time they ever played. Like Michael Jordan like dogged him the first time around, but like he came right fucking back. It was like, let's go again. And like he— they just kept going and he didn't back down. He wasn't scared. And I think a lot of people They see the challenge and they back down and they're scared. And it's like, keep fucking going back. Don't back down from the challenge. And so, yeah, I love that. This has been an amazing podcast, guys. I know we maybe have to, have to pop off. Uh, anybody have anything else they wanted to kind of hit on really quickly, or ideas or things they wanted to say before we, uh, before we wrap up?

I have a short story.

Let's go. Yeah, let's do it.

It's just because it, it, it put things into perspective for me yesterday when I was on a call with a client, and I'm, I'm not gonna mention their name, and they've been with me for 6-ish months, and they're about to leave because they, they have to prioritize their mental health and have to pay for therapy. So, um, we were on that call and, um, we were talking about how They were somewhat consistent, but the weekend thing, like weekends throwing them off and drinking and going out with friends. And for 6 months I thought, well, they just like to go out and enjoy their time and have a great time with like going out and drinking and all that stuff. And we might have to work on that, or maybe not. We'll see. And I, with my, with my with just assumptions that you make about people, even as a coach. Like, we can't stop making assumptions. Um, I just assumed that that is their lifestyle that they want. And because going out and having fun and all that, that looks like something people would enjoy if they choose to do that. I know you wouldn't, Eric, but other people enjoy to do that. Um, and they said, well, honestly, they were doing that because they Went through a rough breakup a couple of years ago, and now they don't know how to be alone with themselves, and they're going out drinking and, and seeing friends because they can't be by themselves. So that just to add to the whole, like, someone's— someone's— what do you say? Someone's trash might be your treasure, or the other way around. from an outside perspective, it's not just the social media thing, but from an outside perspective, it looks like people are like— or you might be liking that. Let's just say I like going out and partying, and I might be envious of that person because they get to do that and I don't. But actually, they weren't even enjoying it. Like, they hated it, right?

Mm-hmm.

They just didn't know how to exist without doing it. Um, and that Stuff like that I see a lot in clients and myself and friends lately, where from my own judgment, what someone is doing looks like something I want to be doing, and that's why it must be good. It might not be the case that they actually like it, right? And yeah, that is just one. It shook me up a little bit yesterday, so I was like, okay, cool. I did not know that for 6 months because, you know, we people don't always talk about that stuff. And, um, I'm, I'm glad they told me now. But still, I learned something from it and it changed my perspective, and I, I figured you'd find that interesting too.

Yeah, that's super interesting. Yeah, it's like, again, it's like a highlighter. It's like people— somebody would watch their Instagram story one night or whatever, and it's like, oh wow, they're having so much fun. It's like, nope, they actually fucking hate It's like you just, you don't know. And it really is the story you're telling yourself in your head, but you're in control of the story that you're telling yourself in your head. And the minute you realize you're in control of that story, you can then change that story. That's why I'm such a fan of accountability, responsibility. Like, you're in control. The more you're in control, the better things get after that. So Yeah, guys, this was, uh, an amazing podcast. So truly, thank all of you guys for coming on so much. I really appreciate it. You listening to this podcast, I know it was a fucking great podcast because we have the best coaches in the world. So you're motherfucking welcome for the knowledge that we dropped on you today. Um, and if you're interested in coaching with the best team in the world, click the link in the show notes of this podcast. We would love to help you in your journey. From myself, Coach Linda, Coach Judy, and Coach Irene, We wish you a great rest of your day. Thank you, ladies, for coming on, and hope you guys do well. All right, bye guys.

Bye.