What to NOT to Say to Someone Going Through Infertility

I'm doing all the Thanksgiving prep around the kitchen, and so I got a little bit behind schedule. How are you? I hope that you have a fantastic Thanksgiving. If you don't know me, I'm Erica Hoke. I'm an infertility mentor and empowerment coach, and what we're talking about today is what is— what's on everybody's mind that is getting ready to come to a holiday gathering tomorrow or a Friendsgiving. If they're suffering from infertility, they're bracing themselves for questions that, um, are going to put them on the spot or going to cause them a lot of anxiety. And we don't want to do that to our friends and family. So what are some of the things that you can say to help, help them feel seen and heard? And what are the things to avoid saying? Well, I know from my own personal experience that when I struggled from— with infertility, it was really unhelpful, and I've heard this from a lot of other people too, to have someone talk to me about adoption. Adoption is not a consolation prize for infertility, and if you've been going through infertility, you— it certainly crossed your mind. So saying to somebody, why don't you just adopt, or you can always adopt, is really hurtful. Um, everybody on the planet knows that adoption exists, and that is a choice that the couple will have to make, um, you know, on their own, on their own terms. But bringing it up as an alternative to their infertility struggles is really, really hurtful. So that's kind of point number 1. So let's not treat adoption as a consolation prize. Let's not also treat adoption— this is one that really, I know, gets under the skin of my infertility sisters— is let's not say, well, I had a friend, coworker, cousin's mother's best friend who adopted and then they got pregnant right away. Also not helpful, also very trauma-inducing and very very stress-inducing. So let's not say things like that. So, um, questioning, um, somebody about their— I've did a whole video on this actually— questioning somebody about their medical health, um, people think about it in terms of, well, they're trying to get pregnant, so they think about the baby. But when you talk to somebody about their infertility journey, you're talking to them about, um, their personal medical information. And so unless they bring it up, you know, asking questions about how the last round of IVF went or last round of IUI, or what are you, what kind of medications are you taking? You wouldn't walk up to Uncle Joe and ask him how his prostate is. Okay. So let's not treat infertility. It's, it's medical and, um, it's personal. So let's treat it like that, right? The other thing is, is that you want to, you want to not get somebody in a position where they're having to, where they don't have any, any way out. So let's talk about ways to actually be super supportive and a good friend or a good relative if you have people that are going through infertility. If you have friends and family that are going through infertility, I would let them bring it up first. If you have some alone time with them or you can pull them aside and you want to say something to them, you can say something supportive like, I'm thinking of you, or we're keeping you guys in our prayers if you're, you know, believe in God, source, whatever you wanna, wanna call it. So, you know, just let them know that you're supporting them, that you're thinking about them. Let them know how specifically, you know, you could support them. Like, hey, if you ever need a ride or to an appointment, or if you ever need me to bring you a meal or come and walk your dog so you don't have to get out of bed after treatment, or any number of things like that. Those are really tangible, helpful, supportive things that you can let somebody know that you understand that they're going through this terrible time in their life and that you're here to support them without being intrusive and ask a lot of questions. So say somebody does bring it up, then you can just allow them to speak freely about it and then just support them in the ways that we just mentioned by saying, you know, that you will be thinking about them or praying for them. Sending a card, um, in the mail is, you know, where you can write a little handwritten note and letting them know that you are supporting them. So all of our friends out there that are suffering from infertility just want a baby in their arms more than anything in the world, and they just want you to understand what a difficult and challenging process this is, I myself, um, gathered several authors together and we wrote a book called Infertility Success, and it's stories of help and hope. And if you wanted to put that in their hands, or if you want to read it yourself, if you've got somebody in your life that you care about and you're really truly trying to understand, these women's stories, my story, will help you do that. Um, there what, wide across the spectrum. And in terms of what we experienced, some of us, you know, natural, um, natural methods, diet, acupuncture, things like that. Some of them include egg donation, some of them include, um, you know, IVF and reproductive medicine. Some are really long journeys where they had, um, they had given up hope. 10 years. One of the stories is 10 years, and then they got the baby of their dreams. So I hope that this helped you. I hope that if you're watching and you're going through infertility, that you have a blessed Thanksgiving. Um, I'm going to talk about in the group that I run, the support group at Fertility Success Community Chat, about how to be thankful for your journey. So I'm going over there to do that, and we have other kinds of content in there to support you along the way. And, um, I put the link here in the description. And if you're, uh, a loved one, if a loved one is, um, coming to dinner tomorrow, you're gonna see friends and family that are going through infertility, let them know you care. But please, um, you know, do that in a non-intrusive way. So health and blessings to you guys. I hope you have a fantastic day and Happy Thanksgiving. I'm definitely grateful for you. Bye-bye.