#83 A Better Approach to Resolving Workplace Conflict

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Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Proteus Leader Show. My guest today is Tuba Milicek, an internationally recognized mediator, lawyer, conflict management consultant, and trainer based in Frankfurt, Germany. Tuba collaborates closely with her clients, providing expert advice on effective conflict management and constructive problem solving. She also serves as a mediator and ADR consultant for various organizations, including the World Bank Group, the United Nations, the Council of Europe, and the Superior Court of the District of Columbia. So welcome to the show, Tuva.

I'm delighted to be here. Thank you for the invitation.

Oh, you're so welcome. And I, I, you know, we were introduced by a mutual friend, and I, and I just couldn't couldn't agree more with you about the importance of conflict resolution as a leadership skill, not just in general, but as a leadership skill. So I'm very much looking forward to having you share your insights with our listeners because I think, you know, most of our listeners are leaders, and I think this will be very helpful to them. So you ready to talk?

Absolutely. You know, conflict is, is like the, the elephant in, in the room. It's, it's everywhere we turn in the workplace, whether it's stemming from differences in in perspectives, miscommunication, clashes in priorities or values. While it's part of the human experience and we all experience it, many people view conflict negatively. And here's the thing, it's not the conflict itself that's the problem, it's how we handle it that really, really matters. And in today's fast-paced and often polarized world, I think conflict Management is more crucial than ever.

Yes, just given the pace and the kind of tendency toward polarization, I think, in our world. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about why you see it as being critical specifically to organizations and for leaders, because that's kind of what we're focusing on here, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. While many conflicts in organizations kind of simmer under the surface, And they can start with something little and, you know, brew into something much more damaging. Like in a workplace, think of like decreased morale, increased mental load, decline in productivity, and strain on all these relationships and sometimes even legal battles. And that's why understanding the importance of resolving conflicts in a constructive way and proactively is key. I believe good leaders— I've seen a lot of good leaders do more than just putting out fires when they flare up. They actually actively model constructive conflict management and empower their team with the tools to handle conflicts constructively right from the start. It's kind of like giving them a roadmap to navigate inevitable bumps. that they will come across along the way.

Yeah.

So I like to think of conflict management as a, if it's a bit of a superpower, to be honest, it's not just about being a good communicator or a problem solver. It's about integrating a whole bunch of skills from active listening and empathy to negotiation and emotional regulation. It's about using all these skills together to navigate conflicts in a way that's not just productive to you but everybody involved in that conflict. And when you can do that, you're not just resolving the conflict, you're actually transforming them into opportunities for learning, developing understanding, and growth. I'd even say that leaders should go one step further and add mediation skills their toolkit. Because mediation isn't just about resolving conflicts, it's also about the process that you provide to resolve the conflict, doing it in a way that is fair and inclusive for everybody involved and inviting and making space for every voice. And when leaders possess this strong element of mediation skills, they are able to create an environment where all the parties involved will feel heard and respected regardless of their positions and backgrounds or how much power they have.

Yeah.

So what I mean is having a fair process to handle disagreements regardless of the outcome helps fostering a sense of trust and psychological safety within their team.

Which are— oh, I love that. Yeah, I, I really, I love everything you're saying. And I really think, as you're speaking, I'm thinking like a continuum. On one end of the continuum is let's just avoid conflict altogether, you know? And the other end of the continuum is much higher than people think it is. It's not only resolving current conflicts, but having those mediation skills to really have some positive outcomes from conflict, more learning, more understanding, less, less polarization. I love that. That's wonderful. And the whole idea of psychological safety, I think, is really important when people know that that they can disagree, that makes people feel so much safer. And then they will disagree when they need to. A healthy environment is one where people can disagree when they need to, right?

Absolutely. And even when people don't get what they initially wanted in the process, you know, there are a lot of studies that they, if they consider the process kind of fair and have been given equal opportunity to participate, they are usually more satisfied of the outcome. And that also motivates many people to go to court because they kind of perceive that it's a fair process.

Yeah.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Years ago, some, some famous author, 19th century author, I can't even remember who it was, but they said in the main, people would rather be understood than agreed with. And if people through a process like this actually feel understood, like you've heard me, I feel completely heard and understood, even if the outcome is isn't exactly what I wanted, then as you say, they're usually okay with the process.

Yeah, you said it so well. We, we, you know, we, we cannot overemphasize the, the importance of feeling heard and, and, and understood and being given a fair process. Definitely.

Let's, let's go to the dark side for a minute. So what, what are some unhelpful things that organizations do instead of resolving conflict? You've talked about some of this, but I'm— I want to help our listeners avoid the Pitfalls, right?

Well, I want to start by saying I personally see an increased awareness and interest from organizations to implement a variety of tools to manage conflict better, and I certainly believe in the value of these tools. A couple of things perhaps to bear in mind is, first, it's crucial for organizations to recognize that by simply Having these tools, bringing in these tools into organization, it's not enough. It's, it's a good start, but they need to actively promote a culture that encourages open communication, respect, and, and constructive conflict engagement. Because without this supportive environment, even the best tools can fall short.

Right.

And if an organization is dealing with conflict in a reactive way instead of being proactive about it, it's Usually not the best strategy. It's kind of like trying to fix a leaky roof during a thunderstorm. It's going to be messy and chaotic. Most conflicts emerge over a sequence of events, and if we were able to kind of rewind the tape, we would always see some early warning signs, whether it's increased tension in interactions, whether it's changes in the team dynamics or absenteeism. them. Could be a bunch of different things. It's essential for leaders to, and, and managers to, to remain vigilant for these early warning signs and, and address them proactively to, to prevent conflicts from escalating.

Oh, that's great. So not so, so one unhelpful thing that organizations do is just letting it go on too long, that it's harder and harder to deal with as it gets more and more You know, massive kind of, okay, that's very helpful. So having some things in place, both in terms of cultural expectations and in terms of actions that people take to just notice when the red light starts blinking, you know.

Yeah. And these can be small things like engaging in open communication, conducting regular check-ins with, with team members and, and sharing the observations, basically. And inviting and allowing them to, to share what's going on, like creating safe avenues and resources where people can bring their issues and, and get the support that, or, and guidance that they need. So all of these things can, can help create an environment where conflicts are identified and, and, and addressed early on.

That's very helpful. So really build it in, in lots of small daily ways so people know it really is safe. It really is okay. Good will come from this. Yeah, that's great.

Absolutely. And if I may, another tricky dynamic is avoiding conflict and difficult conversations altogether. And while I believe there is a time and place when it makes really sense to avoid conflict, oftentimes sweeping things under the rug will not magically make them disappear. And we all know it. In fact, it often makes things worse. Misunderstandings pile up, assumptions can run wild, and before you know it, you just have a full-blown crisis in your hands. So again, you know, it connects with the same thing, like being proactive and engaging in these conversations early on before it becomes a full-blown crisis.

I can't tell you how many times over the years coaching leaders who were otherwise good leaders, people would say, oh, He or she is great, and they're very supportive, and they're really smart and clear direction, but they're so conflict averse, you know, and sometimes it's just the Achilles heel for leaders because they literally don't know how to deal with it. So which leads to my next question, because we always promise our listeners that they'll have practical takeaways. So what can our listeners start doing today to improve their conflict resolution skills and, and build these more harmonious workplaces that you're talking about?

I truly believe that small practical steps can pave the way for significant improvements over time. So firstly, my suggestion would be take some time for self-reflection. Think about how you typically approach conflict. Explore your internal and external responses. Pay attention to any recurring patterns or triggers. So understanding our own conflict behavior is key to managing conflict more constructively. It's like, again, having a roadmap to navigate through those tough, tough situations. And of course, I would say invest in yourself. Consider dedicating time and effort to develop your conflict management skills, whether it's through training courses, coaching sessions, diving into some insightful books. There are plenty of wonderful resources at your disposal also, and, and power of practice. Every disagreement presents an opportunity to, to sharpen our skills and, and embrace those, those moments to, to learn about yourself and, and refine your, your approach and think about how you want to handle things and think about where you are right now and what do you need to do to, to bridge that gap. And Again, being proactive. I can't say it enough. Don't wait for conflicts to spiral out of control before taking action. So address issues early on when you see the first signs of trouble. Have a conversation. And the last thing I want to say is leading by example, because regardless of our role, we all influence others for better or worse.

Yeah.

Our actions set the tone for, for the people around us and how, how they engage in conflict when, when we are in, in conversations or in disagreement. So demonstrating respect and, and empathy and a commitment to finding constructive solutions, I think it's so important to show others that conflicts can be resolved in a manner that fosters collaboration and, and mutual understanding. And behavior speaks volumes. So, so let's be the role model that we want others to follow.

True. But this is so wonderfully helpful and so practical. I know we could keep talking for an hour, and we always try to be short and sweet. So especially, I just think, as we said at the beginning, in this ever more polarized world, I love your mindset of seeing the resolution of conflict as an opportunity to grow, to improve your skills, to increase understanding. So Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.

And listeners, if you'd like to learn more about Tuba's work, just go to her website, which is tubabilecik.com. And to find out how Proteus helps leaders have difficult conversations well, you can go to proteusleader.com, click on topics, and choose tough conversations. So thank you so much for listening. And until next time, here's to creating the life you truly want.

We hope you're feeling better equipped to create the career, the business, and the life you want. For more insights and tools for leadership and management, join us at ProteusLeader.com. Have an excellent day, and thanks for listening.