5 Disciplines of Love That Will TRANSFORM Your Relationship! | Tony & Sage Robbins

What's up, Believe Nation? It's Evan. My one word is believe, and I believe in people more than they believe in themselves. And my sincere hope is that if you see in you what I see in you, you'll be able to change the planet. And so to help you on your journey, I started the Believe Love series to try to help entrepreneurs with their relationships because running a business is really hard, and managing a relationship is hard enough. Normally. Now inject entrepreneurship at the same time, it can be really difficult. We've run a couple in the series and unfortunately this is going to be the last one in the series because it didn't have the impact that I was looking for. So we're going to be looking at introducing a couple of new series ideas, but we have this one last one just for you guys. It's advice from Sage and Tony Robbins on the 5 disciplines of love. Enjoy.

This is your checklist for the rest of your life. If something's not working in your relationship, this is the first place you go. 5 disciplines of love and 3 of passion. These 5 disciplines are what the game is all about. The first discipline we call the discipline of unconditional love and compassion. The discipline— why do I call it a discipline? Because you don't always feel unconditionally loving and you don't always feel compassionate. If your triggers get fired, If something triggers your masculine or feminine animal in you, that survival instinct in you based on something going on, you may not show up so unconditional in your love and compassion. What this really means, put it in one phrase, put your lover what?

First.

It's not about you. That's the law. You put your lover first. If you are having problems in your relationship, I can promise you that the problem you're having right now is you're feeling pain right now, and it's because you're focused on yourself, not your partner. You're focused on what you're not getting. You're focused on what your partner's not giving you. You're focused on something that's not happening there. This is the number one law. You want to have an extraordinary relationship? Tear up your rules, make this your number one rule. Number one rule is my lover comes first. My number one rule is if you're in love, you put their feelings and needs before your own. Second discipline real quick, the discipline of absolute courage and vulnerability. Absolute courage and vulnerability. This is learning to love no matter what. I mean truly no matter what. How many people are gonna do that? Not many. Not many people are gonna have an extraordinary relationship. But what I mean by this is, if you have courage and vulnerability, that means you tell the truth. That means you open up. Most people, out of a lack of courage, hold back their gift. This idea that you're going to give pain to somebody you love, you're going to punish them, that takes no courage, that takes no vulnerability, that's just stupidity. So the more vulnerable you are, the more power you have, because love penetrates all. Third law is the law of positive intent. Yes, the discipline, I should say, of positive intent. By the way, discipline Weighs ounces. Regret weighs tons. Discipline weighs ounces. Regret weighs tons. You don't follow these disciplines, you're gonna have regret. Right? They're disciplines. They're commitments. They're things you're gonna do no matter what. Discipline means even if it's not easy, you still do it, right? Discipline is— it's a habit. That's what a discipline is. It's a habit. So discipline of positive intent. You know the deeper truth that this is a no-blame game. You know that when something happens, no matter what it was, like when I said that to her, my girl knew. She and I made a decision early on. I decided, and this is a decision I encourage you to make if you haven't made it, or make it anew if you haven't made it in years. I decided I knew this woman's soul. This woman's soul was as pure as anything I could ever dream of in my life. I knew that I loved this woman, her soul was pure, so no matter what happened, I would serve her, and no matter what happened, no matter what she said, no matter what she did, I would know, even if I couldn't figure out how, the intent was pure. The intent was wanting to get closer. It looks mean, but she's scared. It looks vicious, but she's just freaked out. You know? And same thing with me. He looks like he's an unconscious asshole. He just doesn't know. It looks like he doesn't give a shit. He's actually a masculine male, and this is what they do, right? We shifted the meaning to always there's an empowering meaning because there's never negative intent. No matter what it looks like, no matter what was said. And by having that, along with that, the dispositive intent, And since it's a no-blame game, we immediately apologize. It doesn't matter what the fuck has happened. If there's any argument we have, it's a playful argument, which is I'm taking responsibility and she's taking responsibility. "No, honey, it was my fault." "No, it was my fault." And it's like— and we mean it sincerely. It doesn't matter what it is because I hold myself as whatever she's feeling, ultimately it's my responsibility. Even if I didn't intend it, that's it. So I take responsibility. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." She does it with me also. And since we both are constantly doing it, it makes it like there's nobody ever blaming somebody else. So think about this. We put each other first. If we find we're not, we change that immediately. Right? We immediately look at, we gotta be courageous and vulnerable. We've gotta tell the truth. That's really what that is. Tell the truth with kindness, with love, with making nobody wrong, 'cause we both know we have positive intent. You break through all the bullshit with this. Mm-hmm.

And with an apology, rather than "I'm sorry you," always have "I." Yes. Always "I." "Honey, I'm sorry today when I upset you," or "I'm sorry today if I upset you." Having the word "I" in owning, it neutralizes such a crazy, and we so underrate an apology of ownership. Owning something, who cares? When you love each other, who cares about being right or wrong? And if there really is an unconscious action, and even if it wasn't your intent, even if it wasn't unconscious, even if it was a misinterpretation, who cares? Own it. You own it and it neutralizes that and it only brings you closer. It's extraordinary.

[Speaker] And you gotta remember, no matter what they did, that's not who they are. If you can remember that, human behavior is not a reflection of the human spirit. Often it's a reflex action of the animal inside of us. And if you can know that, you know their spirit and you know their soul, then you know when people get insecure, when they get uncertain, when they go on survival, I've done it, you've done it, we've all done it. So instead of judging and making them wrong 'cause you're scared of being hurt again, you gotta come back to, I know what their intent is, I know it's positive. When you question my intent, you end the relationship. You question my behavior, you gotta be right to do that, even if I disagree with you. You just never question intent. I'd underline that, I'd bold it, I'd go on. If you question intent, you are destroying the relationship. So when you look at somebody, usually you subscribe either what you would do Or if you dislike something about them or you're in a bad state, you'll come up with the worst reason why they did it. It's never the truth. They did it to meet some needs, same as you. But underneath it, if you know their soul, you just don't question their intent. Now think of if you just did these 3 things, what would be destroyed on your list? Oh my God, our kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wait a second. My wife comes first, my husband comes first. You know what? Bottom line is I trust and love them. These kids are gonna be great. I'm gonna bend. I'm gonna find something here for him. I'm gonna find something here for her. Right? I'm gonna— and I'm making this so crazy. I'm being so upset. What am I really upset about? I'm upset thinking my kids are not gonna be the way I want them to be. Not my kids are gonna be the way they're meant to be. So it's really about me again. Right? You know, discipline of absolute courage. You know, honey, I just wanna talk to you. I'm concerned. This is how I was raised. I know you were raised differently. Vulnerably, "I love you. I love you the way you are. You're a rebel. You love me. I have rules. Maybe our kids will be okay with that too. What do you think?" Finding some way. You know, knowing that there's positive intent will kill any anger or upset inside this piece. Fourth one of the Five Disciplines. Fourth is the discipline of honorable language and moment-to-moment awareness. Honorable language. There is power in love, adoration, and praise. And most of us don't use it enough. Most of us don't praise enough. And when I say praise, make a note: if you're going to praise your man or your woman, you must praise them specifically, not generally. But moment to moment, being consciously aware of the impact— the impact that you're having with your language and your presence on your partner. And your language as well. Body language, words, deeds. It's knowing you have an impact and seeing that impact. You know, if I'm doing something and I look over and I see my girl is not in a great place, I don't continue. So what happens for a woman, so you understand, is we get information, men, and if we hear a word, words go into that file in our brain, left hemisphere. Emotions go on the other side. But when you say a word to a woman, it hits both hemispheres. It's like if I asked you Where were you on, you know, the 11th of August in 2001? But if I asked you, where were you on 9/11? How many remember exactly where you were in the room when you heard about it, or you were there, you saw it? 'Cause information with emotion is remembered forever. And for women, words that you say mean a lot 'cause they have to determine if she's pleasing you or not. And those words get connected to emotion, and you might just be saying things, 'cause guys say things all the time. Right? And when you're that upset, gentlemen, there's nowhere to go. You're never gonna hurt that woman in a million years. So the only way to let go of some of the pressure is yell or scream or use some words. But then she takes those words in and she's hurt by it.

And here's a trick. I'm married to a very passionate man. He's married to certainly a very passionate woman. And little, you know, we made decisions. Never, "I hate you." Never, "I'm gonna leave you." and not F you. Tone will say, "F, F, F, mother F." I mean, it can come flying out of his mouth and have such a level of intensity. But F for F's sake, juh, puh, juh, kuh, juh, whatever that might be is different than—

Never to you. That and one other big one I'll give you is if you ever threaten the end of the relationship, end it. Because if you ever threaten it, when people go to put their button on the button just to threaten it because they're so frustrated, The moment you do that, somewhere in the psyche of your partner, they think, "Oh my God, they could leave me, and I might— I'm gonna have to do this first." And so they put their finger on the button, and all it takes is enough times of doing that, enough years of doing that, and one day somebody will push the button. If you are committed to the relationship you're in, ban for life, for multiple lifetimes for those of you who are going to come back 6 and 7 times like some of the people here did. You ban for multiple lifetimes. I will never, ever, ever threaten Never. Neither of you ever threatens to leave. If you threaten to leave, relationship's over. It might take 3 more years, 5 more, 10 years, but it's over. If you want to be in a relationship with this person, don't ever, ever, ever threaten. If you did before, it's off limits forever. No exceptions. Doesn't matter how mad you are, angry you are, sad you are. Never. You're not unconscious with your language, you're not unconscious with your deeds. You're aware of the impact and you correct it immediately. You constantly realize, I'm pissed off, I'm hurt, I'm sad, it's about me. Let me step out of me. I'm into something bigger here. Right? This is— I'm not about that. I'm about something bigger. It's what do they need? Let me step in there. You do that enough times, it'll become a habit. And finally, number 5, the discipline of giving freedom. Giving freedom. Men live for freedom. Women need it also. But it comes in different forms. And it's the power of forgiving, forgetting, and flooding. Forgiving, forgetting, and flooding. Now women seem to have more of a difficulty with forgetting. But you can be forgiving, and forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened didn't really happen. You gave it a meaning that doesn't really match reality. You're expecting your partner to be something different than they are. Flooding is one of the most valuable skills you can do in your life. If you don't flood, you'll have a hard time forgiving and forgetting.

And we flood our magic moments. I mean, every—

All the time.

All the time. And we capture them. You know, we have our little app of a journal that we capture all of our, just our beautiful moments. After this event, when we get home on Sunday, we'll spend an hour and just capture all the beautiful moments that happened here. Everything that was funny, everything that was beautiful, everything that was touching. Because otherwise it's just, it's actually what Nicole was talking about. Maybe she talked about framing. You have a peak experience. Peak experience and you actually give words to it, and that frames it and it helps to get to that place. It's just like you bypass all that effort that took you there, and then that's your next starting point. And then you have another peak experience and then you share that and you frame it and you give language and you give words to it. And then boom, you set the bar higher. And a lot of times what happens is we— magic happens in life. Grace pours. And we don't give words to it. We don't celebrate it. We don't recognize it. We don't see it. We appreciate it. And putting words to that of appreciation and of selah and reliving and experiencing it, it is, I would say it's one of the top 10 things for us that we do that just, it ignites that feeling and just of utter appreciation. And we always capture it so we can go back and read it. It's so beautiful. This is, okay, this is something to share. So when we first, it's true. He was so, Oh my gosh, like I mean rigid, militant, blue, like so intense about these things. And so, I mean, anytime that anybody would talk about eggs, he was just like, in what felt like he was not vicious, but it felt like that level of intensity. And so we were together and I was feeling like I needed more protein and we share everything. And it was so crazy 'cause I started to eat eggs and I literally, and I did not—

Oh my God.

No, this sounds nuts, but I did not tell him. And I felt like I was having a fricking affair with an egg. I would literally, I would go into the pantry and I'd eat the eggs and I'm like, this is nuts. Like, this is just, this is crazy. It seems ridiculous. And it sounds nutty, but what was like, and I put so much energy into hiding my egg eating. And then it got to the day where I was like, this is outrageous. This is just out of hand. And I sat him down.

So she finally came out.

Finally told him.

She shared with me the affair she'd been having with eggs. And I was crestfallen.

It's crazy.

I still hate them.

He does.

Still hate them.

He does. And I still eat them. I can't— I really, I love breakfast. I love my eggs and I love my breakfast.

I love her. So I love an egg eater. Now you know the truth.

Yep.

So we disagree completely, but we love each other. So that's how you balance it out. You get it? You get it? You put love first. You love more than your rules, and it makes you a better human being because it opens you up. Because lots of things we're making life and death that really aren't. They really aren't.

Thank you guys so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed. I'd love to know, what did you think of this video? Is there something that you're going to immediately apply somehow to your life after watching it. And again, thank you for joining me on the Believe Love series. It was a fun ride while it lasted. You can go back and watch the other videos in the series as well. And it's sad that it's over, but I'm looking forward to bringing you something new as a test experiment and see what you think. Thank you guys again for watching. I believe in you. I hope you continue to believe in yourself and whatever your one word is. Much love. I'll see you soon.