459: Are You A Co-Dependent Co-Creator? (Rebroadcast)

Flow Dreaming. It's a show where we talk about the power of your mind to change your world around you, to literally affect the fabric of your reality. We talk about this feeling of hope and joy and relief. And that is what being aware of your flow does. It gives you a feeling of power again in your lives. Oh, my God. You were so on target. You are so amazing. I can't thank you enough. Breathe. It is the feeling that you bring forward. It is your emotional connection that really sets the tone for what is going to be happening to you and for you. And you know that feeling, when you touch it, it just spreads through you. Thank you for taking my call. I don't know why I feel like crying. I think I just feel your love. Of course. And I think I'm gonna get some ANSWERS. I'm Summer McStravik and welcome to another episode of Flow Dreaming. Welcome to Flow Dre. Before we get started, a really quick note. If you found this show on itunes or by downloading the Flow Dreaming podcast app, it would mean so much if you took a moment to review it. That is how other people will find this show and get the same great value out of it that I hope you're getting. So my huge thanks and sparkles and flow go to all of you who just take that few moments to go write a quick little message of telling other people. This is good. Go listen. Thanks. Now off we go to the show. Welcome everybody to Flow dreaming. I'm Summer McStravik. So happy to be with you as always. We're going to explore the world of our consciousness and flow and the universe and energy and emotion and basically just how the heck we get things done, created, accomplished and made in our lives using more than just the to do lists and our physical hands. The other 50%, maybe even more, is what's going on in your head is the emotional energy you're continuously charging the world around you with. This is the world of flow. The world of flow dreaming. Listen long enough to this show and you'll discover that I have embroidered hours, hundreds of hours. Many, many, many hundreds, hundreds of shows going back to 2 on this topic. This is our 10 year anniversary of this program. So lots there in terms of how we look at the world as manifestors, people who create, use emotion, use energy, use flow. Today we're going to be talking about the energy of codependence. Thanks. A little shout out, those of you who gave me some suggestions on what to talk about. Sometimes I ask for those and I put them up on my Facebook Page, my Facebook Flow Dreaming page and say give me your ideas. Quite a few of you said codependency please. Codependency. And I thought juicy topic, that'll be a good one. We're going to launch into that today. First of all, just wanted to give you some updates. Flowdreaming.com is your one stop resource. It's what underwrites this program, bringing it free to you. Tons of stuff there especially you want to check out the ME School of Flow where you can go really deep into this as well as the Manifesting Shop which gives you examples of flow dreams, which are consciousness changing emotional exercises that realign you, that recreate you. I mean, you do these and you actually are creating new parts to yourself, to your personality, to your energy system, to your emotional self. It's pretty damn exciting. So do check out flowdreaming.com and I just want to share. I was just looking at my emails right before this and one of my MI School of Flow students, Kelly, just commented, she finally gets the whole mind change concept. I hope you don't mind if I'm sharing, Kelly. It's just your first name, so I think you're still anonymous. But she was mentioning that she was in a cranky mood. She used to get in that a lot and she had the sudden awareness of, stop, I don't want to live in that house anymore. I want to live in this different space, this different emotional space inside myself. So she put this into the flow. She changed. And the reason I'm pointing this out, and I'm so proud of her for this, is that we all know we're supposed to catch ourselves in the middle of our bad affirmations, our negative self talk, our patterns, etc. Etc. And that's half of the battle. Seeing yourself sensing yourself when you're doing this, because this is you manifesting, creating, leaking out an energy of who and what you are and how you feel all day long. I think the trouble with so many different ways of addressing this out in the world is that they teach you to catch it and stop it. But what do you replace it with? I mean, where do you go from there? And yeah, affirmations are one thing, but often they don't really dig into your personal, truest feelings. It's almost like you're covering up your truest feelings with nice words, trying to convince yourself that's why. Nothing wrong with affirmations by the way, because the more uncomfortable they are for you to say, the more they actually are digging in. But that Said, for me, going into flow, that's what I do. When I choose to change the way I'm feeling, I replace it with a technique, with a knowledge that I have taught myself, that I've practiced. And I can do it pretty damn instantly, instantly changing my field, my emotional state. I know where I want to be instead and what I want to have happening. So I spend less and less time in this state of being as I go forward. I. It's funny, I was at this new gym I'm going to and one of my friends was there. Hi, Julie. And I noticed myself on Monday. I was complaining. I said, oh, I'm so wiped out from the weekend. You know, I spent Mother's Day weekend with my kids and my whole family in the desert and it was go, go, go. And I was at a conference and I'm like, man, my Mother's Day should have just been to lay in bed all day, you know, and have, you know, orchid bouquets and ice cream, you know, you know, sent up to my bed by my kids and husband throughout the day. And I was noticing that I was complaining and I caught myself and I realized, oh, this is only going to add to where I'm at. Okay, I better zip that right now. How do you want to feel instead? And I went directly into self care in my mind. I was like, all right, you're here, you're working out, you're doing the best you can. It's the worst workout you've ever done, granted. But you're here, right? So this is your warm up and you're going to get all you can from it. This warming up your muscles, getting back into the routine. I'm going to save the energy I have because I have personal diamond students later on today and I need to give it to them instead. That's the adjustment I made in my head. The energy that I have, the emotional intensity that I'm going to create and bring up today, I want to save for my students later. And that's important to me. I just made the adjustment. And I was like, okay, I'm good. All right then. I know how I'm going to run this day and I feel wonderful about it. No reason, no need at all to slip into that old mindset. That's something that working with flow, dreaming has taught me to do over the years. Be able to make that adjustment. And not only that, but know exactly what I want to adjust to. I know exactly what I want to get into, what I want to feel, what I want to do. I know how to replace that negative self talk. And that's what largely trying to share with all of you. It's why sometimes we talk straight up about energy and flow and what this actual stuff is, what it means for you guys to be co creators. Creators, right? Creating in tandem with all of life, with all of Source, what an immense and beautiful power that is. You know, if I can just bring that home to you, how freaking powerful you are. We give up that power though, all the time, because we're afraid to own it. We don't deserve it, we're not good enough for it. There's all these other things we chase and run around as we build, as we build, as we build. And eventually as you build your power, you get to that point where you say, oh, this really is mine. I really can have this. I really can accept this. I really can go bigger. Nothing bad will happen to me if I do. So anyway, as often we do. That was my little tangent in a full other direction. But I want to talk to you guys today about codependent energy. I understand this energy really, really well. Actually being that I grew up in a kind of codependent environment. Some of you guys know my mom, Venus Andrecht. You know, I have alcoholics in my family. My mother was physically abused in house with me by other men as I was growing up. I know exactly what it's like to struggle to be single, to be raising a family, to be shielding kids from seeing things they shouldn't see. To be deciding how do you hang in there, how do you live? You know, we had police come to our house when I was a kid. So I completely get the codependent environment, whether it comes to addiction or family violence or even just codependent thinking, right? Whereas it really starts. So, you know, on the surface it's pretty obvious, goes without saying, codependency. It originates in self love and self worth issues, right? If you are fully loving and honoring of yourself, if you are fully worthy inside yourself, you know you're good enough. You're not going to be involved in anything codependent. You will have the strength to step back and away as soon as something goes in that direction, full of empathy, your heart is still open and ready to offer and give. But you can immediately see and make the switch in your head. This is going to the point of either enabling or stepping back and allowing that other person to get to where they need to be so that I actually can help them, right? It's like a little lever and you know what side you're on if you're healthy. If I stay, I'm enabling. If I leave, then I'm saying, I know it's going to get worse, but I can't help you. And I refuse to help you get worse by letting you go deeper into this. Right? You just know it. But until you get to that space in your head, it's really hard to tell sometimes. And the reason it's hard to tell is because inside of you, you have so much in yourself that is beautifully complementary to this person in your life that is hurting you, harming you, making you feel necessary, making you feel needed, making you feel like they couldn't do it without you. Right? They would die without you. They drink themselves into, you know, losing their job and their home. They would, on and on. So today, you know, I was thinking about, do I want to approach this as the codependent person or the person who's actually creating the codependence around them? I think I'm going to approach it as the codependent person. I think that's the majority of you who are listening. You are the ones who are enabling and taking care of other people. And if you can break it on your end of things, you can break it for both of you, right? And that's one of the biggest things right now to think about your goal or objective of getting the other person to change, to go to anger management therapy, to go to aa, to go to na, whatever it may be. That is not your primary objective, right? You are not here to change someone else and then to monitor them and to make sure they do it and to help them when they slip. You are not here for that. If you want to go in that, you can, but I don't recommend that. You are, you know, giving them your whole heart and your love and that. That fragile thing that we call your. Your spirit and soul, right? Because they're simply not at the place where they can receive that, where they can hold it with the delicacy that you need, right? You can still be there for them, but you have to step back. So it's more about you changing, right? You change. Just let go of your expectations for them. You can't really do anything about it if they stop going to their meetings. If they revert, they do two steps back. That's not you, it's them, okay? You are working on you. You are only working on you. That's an honor thing, by the way. You honor the other person when you allow them the room to go through their own crap instead of you having to step in and manage it for them. Right? It's an honor. No, I respect you enough. I know you can do this. I'm going to allow you and I honor myself enough that I need to see how I got here. And if this is something I'm going to repeat again in my life, in my relationship. So the second thing I want you to think about now that you know it's you, not them. I know, crazy as that sounds, but it is. Is what are you getting from your codependent relationship? What are you getting from it? Right? We all get something. We wouldn't stick around. We wouldn't stay the person in your life who you consider to be codependent, difficult, troublesome, dramatic, drinking, yelling, screaming, emotional eggshells, all of that, right? You kind of know what they're getting from you. You're supporting them, you're giving them money, maybe keeping them going, making them healthy foods, trying to get them to interact better with their family, all the things you're doing for them. What are you getting? You are getting something. You're totally getting something, right? And that's. That's kind of like a come to Jesus moment when you realize that you're getting something and it's equal. Equal. You're not the big giver here. Even though you may think that you are. You're receiving something back, something that you need that ain't right. It's not right because it's not healthy for you. And how do you know it's not healthy? Because you're sad, you're depressed, you're depleted, you're down. You're not feeling adored, loved, cared for. This person isn't nourishing you. They're not planning weekend getaways for you and telling you how much they love you and generally treating you like this beautiful being, this growing, evolving being that you are. Instead, you're always having to work with them, help them, suffer them, deal with their stuff. So what are you getting? This is what we really want to find out. This is the emotional core, right? This is what you're going to work with. When you flow dream, you will flow dream to get yourself in a new emotional state. You will create these new emotional landscapes in yourself, this new emotional strength in yourself. You'll be making new deals and bargains with the universe. Hey, I do this, you give me that. Good. Yes. But you got to figure out exactly what you're making so you know how to change it, how to flow out of it, how to ask God's source to Give you something different. So let's look at some of the things that you could be getting right from this person in your life. And obviously, like I said, I have to kind of come up with an example, a person, one situation. Although I recognize codependency is a frame of mind, it's often played out in multiple areas of your life, right? It may be you and your mom, or it may be you and your spouse. It may be you and your employer. Could be anybody or several people to varying and different degrees. Or maybe you've eradicated it in one whole area of your life because you're suffering so terribly from it in another area, right? You've been able to compartmentalize. Usually, though, these traits exhibit themselves everywhere. The first thing someone who is codependent is feeling is a need to be needed, right? You feel necessary. If you're not there, something bad's gonna happen. Something bad. It's either gonna happen to the person you love and care about or it's gonna happen to you, right? If you leave, you'll be on your own. If you leave, this person is going to be taken over by your siblings, your mom, and then you'll be truly abandoned because you won't have your stake in the game, right? There's a need factor and I can't leave factor. I have to be involved, right? That is a sign of codependency. Think about this. Think about the area that pops up in your head. Where do you absolutely have to be there or something bad will happen. That's a huge, clear sign. You're telling the universe every day, I have to manage this. It's my job. I'm going to take all that power away from all these other people and make it be mine. My job. How do you think those other people feel about that? Really deep down, energetically, at a soul level, at a flow level. Why should you have that power, right? So if you have that power, they're going to just make even more mess. They're going to be even more peeved off. Everybody knows that's not right. There's a power imbalance. And you're saying, yeah, but they're the ones who have all the control. You guys both have control. Remember, you're both getting something. This is just your piece of it. Your need to be needed, your need for the control, your need to not let things go xyz, which they would without you, right? Note that. Here's the next way. The next thing that would indicate your codependency, help you understand what you're getting out of the bargain. A sense of drama, right? Drama, excitement. You're living. You are living. Now, here's where you notice the codependency. You're not accomplishing anything, right? It's been one long toil spinning your wheels. Same stuff over and over, same arguments every two months, right? The same. Here we go again. Oh, you're all, you're off the wagon. Now you're on the wagon. You're off the wagon. Here we go again. Oh, now you're hiding your beer. Now you're up. Here we go again. Right? But this is the drama that makes you feel like something is happening in my life. I'm really living. It's feeding me. And the reason I'm creating this kind of drama is because the other kind of drama, the other kind of big emotions I'm not making. The other kind of big emotions are, oh, man, I'd have to do something kind of scary and outside of my comfort zone and uncomfortable. I'd have to take a risk. I'd have to really start that business on my own. I'd have to really go move out and live somewhere else. I'd have to. All the things you don't really feel you can do, you're not good enough to do them. You won't succeed if you do them. You'll fail if you try that, right? So this person is preventing you from finding out if you'll fail, preventing you from finding out what your true next step is, your next growth level. Because as long as there's enough drama churning around, you don't have to look at that. You don't have to see that you're being filled up. You're emotionally exhausted and spent. You feel like, oh, that was a good day. I put a lot in. You did. But it's the same thing you put in the day before and the day before and the day before. You guys are churning this and creating this up together in the energy so you don't have to actually go in a forward direction. Right? Surprise. You guys still listen to me. Sometimes I listen to my. I hear myself and I think, gosh, I'm being awfully stark and bold about this. But see, I love to find this stuff out about myself because, you know, it's a treasure hunt. I go, oh, I see where I'm doing that. And the upshot for me is I'm always finding ways to take my power back, right? To find it in myself again. The more that I find my power and where I've let it go into Other situations and people and expectations, the more I can then go right to the universe, right to flow and go, hey, I've got this power again. Can you give me something better now? Can you up level me? Can you get me to the next point where I feel more, I don't know, satisfied? Same amount of energy, right? That's going out. I want to go where I can do the most, do the most good, live the most precious life, give the most of my kids. So for me, finding these areas where I'm screwing up is a wonderful feeling because it means I've just reclaimed it now. I can give it to what I do want. You know, my son, my daughter, my husband, my mom, my dad, my family, my community, you guys. All right, so next one. What else are you getting out of this? What else are you getting out of this crappy relationship, this crappy dynamic going on with someone else or some workplace or anything? How about your need to be liked, approved of, Right? Maybe at some point in your life, you were told you have to do this because this is the right thing to do. You can't abandon somebody in their misery, even if this person is hurting you, hurting you emotionally. Not letting you go out of the house, not letting you feel you can spend money, not letting you feel like your own personal growth and spirituality is worth anything. Right? Ringing any bells? Well, there's a part of you that says, well, I want to be a good girl. I want to do the right thing. I can't do that. You're right. It's awful. I'd be selfish. And if I take care of you, if I'm giving to someone else, then I'm being good. I'm being good. And I want to. I want to know I'm being good. So I'm going to put myself through misery because at the end of the day, being a good girl, I should do that. That's right. If I didn't, I'd be selfish and mean and unc. Thoughtful. What are you really doing with that? Right? Obviously, the other person is manipulating you because they know how to get you to do what they want you to do. You know, I need rent money, I need car money, I need whatever. I need drinking money, whatever. Give it to me. Okay, I will. And you're getting back from it. I'm a good person. I actually am a good person. I'm doing the right thing. I'm helping. I'm sustaining somebody. They need me. Gotta do this right. You just made yourself feel okay with yourself. You just approved yourself this Other person helped you approve yourself. You're a good person. You're a good girl, good man, good man, doing the right thing. So contrast this again to someone who is not codependent, emotionally, energetically, manifestingly, right? This other person is saying, I have a certain amount of resources and I want to give them the people who are really going to use them, who are going to just completely go big with them, who are going to do things that then expand to other people. Wouldn't that be a beautiful way to use your resources, use your time, use your emotional energy, use your money? Or you can give it to the person who's told you, if you leave me, something terrible will happen. Right? So are you keeping this person alive? Really? Do you think you are? Maybe you are, right? Doesn't that make you feel good? Isn't that feeding you? Isn't that what you're getting from it? I'm keeping them alive. Are you really, though? Or do you think secretly they may go out and find someone else to take care of them? Find someone else to play this drama with? Maybe they already have. Maybe they have a lot of ex wives who've already done this. A lot of ex husbands, boyfriends, maybe. Maybe you're just the latest one to say, I'll play that with you. Right? Sometimes we really do have to take care of people. Don't mistake me, right? We have to get them into rehab, we have to help them, we have to get them where they need to go. But it's not just you. It's a team, it's a community. And they're desiring it too. And you know it because you can watch them. And they say, yeah, I really am ready for this. And if you haven't been able to move them to that point by now, probably not going to. They've settled in. They're like, this is good enough for me. It's good enough for me. I can do my thing. I can be emotionally abusive. I can play out my controlling patterns. I can do whatever I want. You'll put up with it. Good enough for me. So you gotta let go of that fantasy. They don't necessarily want to change. Okay? I just realized this is going. We're going on and on. I still have more things I want to go through with you guys. So we have to go to a break. So what's going to happen is right after the break, we're going to come back, I'm going to go through a few more of these so you can see this and start to understand the energy the emotion that you're creating, that you're manifesting. Right. What you feel is what you create. That's Core Manifesting 101. Flow dreaming is the corrective solution to this. So we're going to go to a break. I would like to do some Flow dreaming with you. We'll see if we get to that. I also definitely want to take some of your calls because I know you guys have some situations that I've just been making you feel uncomfortable with so far, and I really do want to hear about those. Maybe we can sort of lay them out and look at them and find a new path for you. Okay. So be sure to give me a call. You can go to my website, flowdreaming.com find out the phone number to call, as well as figure out if this is actually live for you right now or if it's been recorded and uploaded as a podcast. So that's it. I'll be right back. Hey, it's summer again and yes, we're on break, but I wanted to share some important stuff with you about the hugely amazing and gorgeous MI School of flo. Right now, it's either enrolling or it's accepting names onto the wait list. This means that I'm accepting students that I work with personally over the year ahead. And I teach you to do what I do. How to think, how I think, how to work with flow, manifest, create and use the universe the way it's meant to be used. You're going to create amazing things using flow. You'll also open and expand your empathic intuition. After doing this for a number of years, I can tell you MI schoolers make strides and hit goals way beyond what they think they're going to be able to do going in over and over. You don't have to be a superstar going in because that's what we're going to turn you into once you get there. If you're ready to go big, if you know you need to deepen your spiritual practice and your personal growth, then this is where you need to be. Your life, after all, only grows as big as you do. So MI School is online. That means you'll connect with me from all over the world. What to do next? Click or swipe over to flowdreaming.com you'll see an area that talks about MI School. During enrollment, you can set up a free 20 minute call with me. And during waitlist times, I invite you to send me a note telling me about your interest. Okay. I look forward to hearing from You. And even more to getting to know you as one of my personal students in MI school. Now, let's get back to the episode. Haha. How do you like that? Oh, new little break materials. I need to change it up more often. I. I agree. I know. Especially since so many of you are going and back and listening and listening to so many of the. The older podcasts. All right, let's continue with a few more of these little indicators. Are you secretly codependent? Maybe that's what I should have called it, secretly codependent. Well, maybe I've already changed it by the time you look at this. All right, so we just finished with the needing to be liked or approved, right? You're getting this emotional joy from your position. You're a good girl, you're a good man. This is the right thing to do. You can't step out. And we talked about how that could possibly use some adjusting, right? There are many different ways to be a good man, a good woman, a good girl, good son. And if you are in a relationship that is eating you away, that is sucking a life from you, then you're probably not being that child your parents wanted you to be. How about this? If this relationship is really intense, it must be love, right? Must be love. It's just so back and forth. It's so big. We're always, oh, I don't know, this is drama. And then you didn't text me. And then you did text me, and then you called, but then you were gone for a week and you didn't get back to me. And then I was thinking maybe we weren't together. And then we were together. You said so. And we had the most amazing weekend together, and we thought, oh, this is it. And then I didn't hear from you a month. And then, what's going on here? This is intense. This is unstable. It's coming and going. It's back and forth. It's up and down. It's big, it's huge. It's heartbreaking. This is codependent. This is two people who need drama to feel that they are living. Right? Living. I already mentioned this one. Drama. Intensity makes you feel your living. Now, this isn't because you necessarily want to stay in the same place. It's not your escape from actually progressing. Instead, it's more a sense of, this is what love is. It's a developmental disorder. Love is not that. The intensity of love, long term is ongoing. It's a. I want to watch you grow. I want to see you create. I Want us to commit to each other so that we can better support each other. I'm willing to create this commitment. I'm willing to put your health and livelihood as being as important as my own. Not more important, right? Because then you have little Alvin Chipmunk scenario. You first, you first, you first. Now, not Alvin. Remember those two chipmunks back, way back, they used to play it on TV in the 70s and 80s. Now, you know what I'm saying? Chipper and Dipper or Chumper and Monker or something like that, right? But this other person is as important as your own, right? I'm elevating you in my life. Wow, that's really loving. That's really strong. That's intense. But it's a very different kind of intensity. It's not the intensity of, does he love me? Doesn't he? Doesn't, you know, does she love me? Where are we going? What are we gonna do? Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, right? That can be an addictive energy. How about. You've heard this term a lot. Passive aggressive, right? A lot of people who are involved in codependent thinking create lots and lots of awesome little codependently passive aggressive situations. Oh, God, these exhaust me just when I encounter them. Fortunately, I don't encounter them very much because I don't align to them. I look at it, I see it and I call it right. If you call things with somebody who's doing a passive aggressive play, you have just said, I'm not playing your game. That person gets upset and they leave because they don't know how to play a different game. It's scary to play a different game. They know the passive aggressive game. If you're not going to play it, they're going to go find someone else who's going to play those marbles with them. Passive aggressive game is, I need to control you and I need to be right. Now, often those of us who are codependent, we're the passive aggressive ones. We are trying to manage this other person in our life. We're trying to make sure that the situations where they're going to get out of control or angry or mean are totally minimized, right? We're trying to control our environment and therefore having to control the other person. And if we ask them outright, hey, I don't want you drinking at this party. Hey, you know, I don't want you yelling at me for this anymore. Hey, I refuse to argue on a Sunday night. If this is the kind of stuff that you're feeling for some Reason? My printer just went on. I'm so sorry. I bet you can hear that. Hold on a second. Oh, the perils of a home office. No, no, don't go to break. Don't get a break. Did you hear that? Am I on break? Am I on break? Oh, great, great. Sorry, I just want to run and turn off the printer. I do my podcast from home, by the way, right? So sometimes you'll hear the trash truck, you'll hear the cats falling against the microphone, you'll hear my printer spontaneously wake up. But my producer had a good idea. She's right. I should be going to break soon. But let me finish this thought and then we'll go to a break. When you are being passive aggressive, you're basically saying I have to control everything because this is how I'm staying safe, right? This is what I'm getting from it, control over my life. Now, you can only feel control over your life this way if you're choosing people around you that need controlling, right? A flow perspective is, I don't need to control everything in my life. My life is good. I trust. I have a lot of self trust. I have a lot of trust in myself, my future, the flow. I can let things go. I can let things happen for me and come to me and I trust and I know they'll be right. If you're lacking that fundamental self trust, then you have to find other people to control, right? And that's where you start creating those passive aggressive situations, those comments, those things that are meant to get somebody to do something without you outright saying it. Okay, how about another one? This is a big, big, big one. And then we're not going to a break yet. I'm going to get through this big, big, big one. Prove to me that I'm lovable. Would you please just prove to me for once and for all I'm lovable? Because I know I'm. I'm really not. I know I'm not as good as I know there's other people better than. There's prettier, there's handsomer, there's smarter, there's people with better jobs, there's people who live in better areas with more connections or, you know, whatever your little particular trigger list is. Those are the people who are more lovable than you. And I'm saying this with total sarcasm dripping off of my lip. Here's what we do when we need to prove that we're lovable, we do something really crappy, right? Really? Just like, ugh, yeah, I went out with my ex boyfriend the other night and I didn't tell you about it. Do you still love me? Oh, I know I didn't talk to you or call you or text you for two weeks. Do you still love me? Oh, I know I drank too much and got together with somebody else, but do you still love me? This situation's, you know, familiar. Sure, I promoted the other person in the office, not you, but do you still love me? You still going to work here? Proving that you're lovable is something anybody in a codependent relationship can be playing this game. Basically, the gist of it is this. You do crummy things. You wait to see if the other person will still love you. If they do, you up the ante. It always ups the ante. There is no end to this game. It's something small at first. The first disillusionment with this relationship. Oh, I still love you. It's okay. I accept you. I honor you. The second one, oh, well, that was a little more of a pisser. Okay, I still love you. I'll accept you. Oh, my God. You slept with my best friend. That's okay. I still love you. I honor you. Right, because you're being asked to prove continuously. No, no, I still love you. I still honor you. I'm still going to give. Right. What are you getting from that? You're getting a sense of I'm forgiving, I'm loving, I'm steady, I'm solid. What's the other person giving from it? They're feeding a bottomless hole. Bottomless hole. This hole will never be filled. In fact, every time you prove something, they're going to. They have to go a level deeper. Can't just do the same stuff over and over. You've already proved you're going to tolerate that. It's got to get worse. Got to get worse. Until the point when you say, I can't handle this anymore. I'm done. Then they go, told you so. I knew you didn't really love me. Told you I was right all along. Told you. And you go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They go, yeah, look, you left me. I told you you would. Told you I wasn't good enough. Told you you didn't want me. Told you, you. Told you. Told you, right? This is codependency. If you see this pattern going on, the only way I know to break it, frankly. Well, there's. Well, okay. The only two ways I know to break it is one, show your person the pattern. Show them. This is what's going on happens again. I'm done. And I'm not proving you right. I'm just proving to you that, yeah, you've got something you need to work on. And whenever you want to reclaim that power and start working on it, you can start flow dreaming. You can start recreating yourself. It's open and available anytime. There's nothing wrong with you to do it. If you're strong enough and powerful enough to pull off all this crap, you're strong enough and powerful enough to get well. Okay. The other way, of course, is constant emotional reconditioning. Flow, show me where I'm doing this. Show me when I'm doing this. Show me who I'm doing this to. Because I have a feeling in me I might be pulling stuff like this. And if I am, I really want to get past this and through this. It's not who I really want to be. Let me flow dream my way to the other side of it. Let me create that person I want to be. These will break the pattern, right? This will pull you out of that codependent circle that you're in. Okay, let's see here. One last one. There's even more, but obviously it's one of those things I'm going to have to just make a longer class out of. Sometimes you can't fit it all in a podcast and flow dream and, you know, take calls and so on. So, last one. What you're getting out of being codependent? Well, do you find yourself willing to wait it out? I will wait out your bad side. I will make some excuses for it. We'll just do this again. We can do this again. I'm hopeful. I think you will. I can see a glimmer of light in you. I can tell you want to get through this and do the right thing. And I'm with you, baby. I'm there all the way. We're gonna do it. We're gonna get there. Oh, no, you just fell down again. Well, that's okay. I'm still there. I'm still willing. I'm still. What are you getting by being that person, being that partner, being that cheerleader? Especially when you get to the point, right? I'm not talking casual stuff like, honey, you're struggling to learn something new. I support you as you get through this. I know you will. Right? Oh, and you got through it. Awesome. I know you will because I've seen you get through stuff before, right? That's a healthy pattern. The unhealthy one is up again. No progress. Oop. Oh. Again, no progress. Well, I'm going to just stay in, wait. There's a lot of things that are going on inside of you, right? The endless wait, the endless hope, the endless. I'll be ready to deal with this tomorrow. I'll be ready to leave tomorrow. This is all you saying. I'm freaking scared. I'm scared. I constantly give my partner, my boss, my co worker, my friend, my best friend, my mom, my sister, my brother, my son, my daughter. I constantly give them something because I'm scared of what would happen if I don't. Will I be alone? Will I be unable to support myself? Will I. I don't know what will happen to me. So I'm willing to put up this fantasy, this hope in my head. I'm willing to do that. It's important enough to me that I give myself this out and live in fantasy. We all know people like that too, right? Like, how does she put up with that? You know what, say that about somebody. It's like they created a nice little fantasy realm because it's scarier to think about what would happen without. That's what. They're getting at it. They're getting security and safety. That's an illusion, but it's there. Is that what you're getting? Okay, now we're gonna go to our break and when we get back, I do see some calls. So Ashley, stay on the line. We'll get with you in just a second. And yeah, so hold tight. We'll be right back with more Flow Dreaming Foreign. Here we are on a quick break and I have a few suggestions for you. First of all, if you're wondering how to Flow Dream or what Flow Dreaming really is, I have a free gift bag of downloads for you on my website right now. Go to flow dreaming.com, enter your email. That's it. You'll get the downloads, right? Right. Then instantly. And they're a 30 minute tutorial on how to Flow Dream. And I give you a free Flow Dream to start with. This saves me from reteaching the basics over and over again on this show and it gives you the first step toward a freaking awesome life. You're going to find these downloads on my homepage right now. So pop in your email, I'll send them right over to you. Next, my manifesting shop@flow dreaming.com is what underwrites this entire show. It brings it to you free every week and it has for the last 10 years, which is saying quite a lot. And what's there? Amazing Playlists on all kinds of topics, MP3s, flow, dreams that end, fear that get you unstuck, that can get you to your perfect career, that can get you out of debt, help you find your soulmate. So many much more. These playlists are incredibly powerful, highly effective. My inbox is full every day with thank you notes from lottery winners, people who've just gotten married, people who've received eye popping bonuses, who've reduced massive amounts of pain or healed themselves in so many different ways. So please go visit the manifesting store@flowdreaming.com and see what you want to pick up and start using to change your life with. Okay, back to the program. One more thing to add. I was thinking over the break, an important one. I don't want to lose this one. If you experience a lack of love in your life, sometimes pain becomes your only proof of someone's commitment to you, right? They're not acting loving toward me, but at least they're giving me pain. They're still engaged with me, they're still involved with me. They're giving me something right. You know, hate and love, two sides of the same coin. People that you love the most, sometimes you end up hating the most. Well, the same can be said for relationships that create pain. Pain is an energy. It's strong, it's powerful, it's incredibly connective. When you're in pain over someone when they've done something yet again, that's hurt you, confused you, upset you, think about the energy that's been exchanged between the two of you. It's big stuff. And if you don't have love as that energy and you've got pain instead, the codependent person is saying, I've learned to recognize pain as a sign of commitment because if I didn't have pain, I wouldn't have this person at all, wouldn't have anything. And that's what I'm most afraid of. I don't know what to do with that. And again, that goes back to your own self love, your own self worth. And now that I've left you with all this that you're thinking, oh my God, I never knew I was codependent before. Let me just say, you know, think of it like a scale. Some of us are ones or threes, some of us are tens. Most of us are falling around this distribution. We have a little here, none there, a ton there, right? It's very common. And most of us lack self love and self worth to a degree. And most of us have engaged at one point or another, either in a codependent relationship with as the perpetrator or the victim. But now, as you know, the victim is not really a victim. You're getting as much out of it as the other person. You each just picked your part for it, that's all. How do you get out of there? How do you begin to feel different? Well, you work on your self growth. That's it. Period. Self growth. Who are you? What are you worth? Where are you going? What can you do? Can you give to yourself? Can you invest in yourself? Can you put money down on the table for yourself? Right? These are all solid acts of saying, I'm worth it, I'm worth it. I can do better. I am better. I'm becoming better. I'm becoming bigger. And these people that I felt I couldn't let go of or couldn't abandon or couldn't this, couldn't that, you're actually allowing them now to step into a new place. You're saying either go find somebody and play the same game with them or finally take some time to look at yourself and move as well. I'm giving you a gift of that. Giving you a gift. Giving us both gifts. We're not playing pain games anymore. Let's go. Okay. Flow. Dreaming can be a huge, huge component of that. I recommend a couple of playlists in my store. One of them is about reclaiming your power, right? Dazzling self love. There's lots of them that you can use to build up this part of yourself where you start to even recognize this is unacceptable. You know, that's half the battle. Recognizing what feels normal is actually quite unacceptable. And then you move up, up, up from there. You emotionally recondition. You energetically recondition. You realign yourself to who and what you really, really are, not what you've been led to be, believe or feel about yourself. All right. Hey, Ashley. I told you we'd get to you. Thank you so patiently for waiting.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm doing well.

All right.

Questions for you, though, because this topic kind of hit home.

Good, good. I mean, bad, bad, but good, good, right?

Basically, I've been in a relationship for five years. And in the beginning, I was the one that needed built up, and I've got my life together and whatnot. But for the past couple of years, I've been the one trying to take care of him. It's like the world's uplifting. He's the codependent one now, and it's training me, and I Feel like I should move on. But like you said, you feel like a bad person. So I was wondering if you could look into my flow and tell me what I should do.

Well, you know, it feels to me that you guys have both actually been pretty codependent. It's just that you have grown to the point now where you're seeing him that way. It wasn't apparent when you guys were both at the same level. It's sort of like a kid in grade school who suddenly shoots up 6 inches in a year, and you're looking down on the top of someone else's head. That's the feeling you're getting right now. Wow. I never realized you were so short. Wow, you're still emotionally short. How did that. When are you going to grow? Do I have to stop growing now while I wait for you? Right. That's your question. That's really what you're saying. Do I have to stop growing while I wait for you? Well, your body wouldn't do it. Your body would just keep on growing until your natural height, your natural expansion. And that's where you're at right now. Grow to your natural expansion. He can always look to you and say, how are you doing this? How did you do this? Can you help me? Can you show me what you're doing? But I have a sense these are not the questions that he's asking.

He refuses to do so when I do try to help.

Yeah, right. And again, that's a sense of, you're growing differently than I am. You're not where I am anymore. This is upsetting me. It's frightening me. Because when you were where I was at, we validated each other. Right? You made me feel like, this is good. I'm okay here. And now you're not making me feel that way. And it's getting me upset and angry, and I'm blocking you more and more and more. So that feeling in you, though, that's the bigger thing, that, how can I leave? How can I abandon? How can I let this person just crumple? Okay, first of all, get over yourself. You're not that important. You're not all important. That's a codependent way of looking at yourself. Right, right. I'm the only one. I'm the only one. And then he'll go off and find someone else to be very codependent with, and you'll go, God darn it. What? How could you do that? I'm not replaceable. Well, your codependency is replaceable. And you will Let the person move through it at their own pace. You've given him a gift right now of growth, watching it, seeing it, and that gift could have sparked him to do the same, or it could have sparked him to get trenched in even more. How much more of a gift do you want to give? Are you ready for a gift?

I have much more to give.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, and if I look at you, you're ready to have someone give to you. Right. You've got to learn how to receive in a healthy way, and he's not going to give you that. You need to do that, though. Can you feel it?

Yes, I do.

You need to learn. It's your next thing. Somebody who says, show me how I can receive. Show me how I can feel that I'm being given to and loved and helping to grow, and I deserve it, and I'm going to own that feeling of deserving it. I'm owning it. I'm really receiving it and accepting it. I'm worth this. I'm totally worth this. Worth this. Not worth less. Just in case you can't hear over the mic. And worth this.

I understand. That's exactly how I've been feeling. Like it's my turn to be able to have somebody that does the same for me.

Yeah. So go find that person and go get them. All right. Your. Your partner. Your partner is gonna be fine. And if they're not fine, then you're recognizing that you will have moved from being a partner to a caretaker. Right. That's what you'll become, a caretaker. I can't leave you, or you'll fall apart. I'm your caretaker. You should be paying me, you know, 12 bucks an hour for this. But that's not going to satisfy you emotionally.

Absolutely.

All right, Ashley, go get them. All right. Go get them. Go in your flow, align to the feeling of. I'm ready to learn how to receive. I'm ready for the next step in my growth. I'm ready to go into that next place. That might feel a little uncomfortable, but I know it's going to fill me up in a way I've never felt before. I really want to learn this. I really, really want to learn this.

I have your blow dream yet. I'm allowing and receiving one, so I should probably keep working on that.

Yeah, go for it. All right. Bye, my dear. Bye. All right. Oh, I wish I could get more of you guys in, but I can't. And the studio is telling me, wrap up, wrap up. Okay, well, I'm wrapping up I will see you all again next week, same time, same place, for another episode of Flow Dreaming. Bye, all. Well, look at that. Show's over. But before you go, did you know that my mom has a podcast, too? Her show airs live right after mine. It comes up next. We tape our live shows back to back. Her show is called the Dear Venus show. So stay listening and you can call in or look it up live on itunes if you're listening via podcast. Her show is really good. It's really funny. And she reads people's minds and futures and talks to dead people for real. It's called the Dear Venus show on itunes.