673: How to Get Through a Breakup

A breakup isn't just between two romantic partners. A breakup can be between you and your best friend. It can be between you and a mentor. Breakups, they have this central feeling in common. It's just loss, it's grief. It can often be self doubt all mixed in. And it can be this wondering, will I ever get over this and will I ever find a replacement? A new best friend, a new partner, a new teacher, a new coach, a new mentor. We look at breakups today here on Flow Dreaming. So join me as we explore what they are, are what they mean, and how we can emotionally and energetically move through them using the power of our own emotions, our mindset, our flow, and our energy. Whether or not you've recently experienced a breakup is kind of a moot point, because at some point in your life, you have. And those feelings may still be lingering. They may be just hiding out in little spots in your soul. So we're gonna take care of those. Clean them up, shine them up, put the lemony yellow sunshine back into our lives. So join me as we Explore episode number 673, how to Get Through a breakup. Flow Dreaming. It's a show where we talk about the power of your mind to change your world around you, to literally affect the fabric of your reality. We talk about feeling of hope and joy and relief. And that is what being aware of your flow does. It gives you a feeling of power again in your lives. Breathe. I'm Summer McStravik, and welcome to another episode of Flow Dreaming. Oh, that's so funny. I started recording. I went for, like, you know, 15 minutes. Whenever I record, my eyes are closed. I'm just. I'm going off to that place. I paused, opened my eyes. Nothing. Nothing was recorded. I forgot to hit the button. So, you guys, this is my do over, which I thought was kind of funny because when you break up, you're basically entering the opportunity for a do over, a new relationship, the next phase, the next state. But the first thing we have to do is to go deep into our post breakup recovery, and that is exactly how I want you to think of this. Yes, time will heal. All that stuff is true. But you can move things along. You can move through it faster. You can process it faster. You can reach that other side where you say, I'm at peace with this because I know what happens when we break up. When we lose someone or someone's. We start the mind to spin. We start the. Are they thinking about me? And. And. And maybe I should call. Are they going to text? Is this over for real. Oh, all of those thoughts just circling. Should I have done this? Was it my fault? Could I have fixed it? Could I have done better? If only I had seen or known, or if only they had made more of this or that effort. I wonder if I come back and do it differently. Maybe they will, maybe they might. Your mind is on overdrive trying to retroactively resolve whatever it was. But the basic thing is it's already, it's already resolved. If you broke up, the solution has already been implemented. If there were other options for you, you probably already explored them, probably multiple times over, until you reach this final one which says, we have to call this quits. This is not working between us. Neither one of us are getting our needs met. And when you reach that understanding, you can simultaneously say to your mind, hey, we called it quits because that's the final resolution that we came to. And maybe it was just one sided, but one sided is also two sided. If someone doesn't want to be with you or you with them, the deal's off and you're participating in that and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Breaking up causes this enormous emotional flush, a purging of your system. And when it purges, all kinds of things come up inside of you. Namely a lot of self doubt Again, was it right? Could I have fixed it? Was it me? Was it them? Could we have done something differently? Is there still hope, self doubt that extends into your personal future? God, maybe I'll never find someone. Maybe it'll never happen for me. Maybe this is just the way it's gonna be. And the way it is, you doubt yourself, you doubt others, you doubt the universe. And you just feel like because it didn't work out, it will never work out. And I want to call you right into that feeling right now because that's a false conclusion. It did not work out. You had a beautiful, learning, growth filled experience with someone. Beautiful, growth filled. I don't care if it was dramatic or hard or difficult or painful. That experience opened your eyes. It showed you things. It lit up your world with constant opportunities for understanding. It lit up your world with ways that you could say to yourself, you know what? I decided that having an emotionally closed off person in my life was not something that I deserve. I deserve better. Or having a relationship where I'm constantly uncertain, that's constantly not moving forward, where I'm never given a green light, where my heart is never lit up with that feeling of Yes, I want you. I pick you. You're the one I'm in. I'm all in. Right? We crave that. We want that. When you don't get that, you live in limbo that slowly cracks you and breaks you down and says, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? These are golden, gorgeous opportunities for you to get so clear on what you deserve and who you want. And I hope that's what's happening for you right now. I hope that's what's happened to you in the past. In hindsight, we can often see it. We say, yeah, after I got over the grief, after I got over that rubber band feeling of wanting to go back, I started to see, yeah, I had settled, or, yeah, we weren't healthy together, or, yeah, our relationship really wasn't going anyplace. It wasn't leading me to the things that I truly crave. Whether it's a marriage or a family or someone who's so close to you, you can rely on them through thick and thin, ultimate trust and loyalty, the things you want. But see, we get snagged on the person we've been with. And I say snagged because we start to believe they're the only one who can give it. They're the closest we've gotten to yet, and they have all these beautiful, wonderful qualities. Like, the almost fit is so there. Maybe I can just overlook the other parts. But eventually you realize, do I keep wanting to overlook those? Overlook those other parts? Because maybe those other parts are quite fundamental to you, and you feel guilty saying, you know what? I feel like I'm asking for it all, and I shouldn't. But I feel bad that they're so fundamental to me, that these have become deal breakers. But you know what? When you're suffering, when you're constantly changing your course, trying to fix and make it happen and make it work, that's different than when you're in a truly working relationship. In a truly working relationship, you and the other person, you're coming together, open, vulnerable. You're able to say to each other, hey, I think this is what's going on. What do you think? Hey, I feel like you are not getting this. What can I do for you? Right? There's a give and a take and a willingness, even a willingness to go there, to go out on a branch and say the thing that could really rock the boat. Because you know that to get to the next step, the boat has to be rocked. Otherwise you're gonna become a shadow of yourself. You'll become a self that isn't who you really are. It's the self that you've molded to fit the particular relationship, but it' not you. Now this is just one example of a way that your relationship degrades and reaches its ultimatum eventually. But I'm not lingering on that. I'm going right to the point where it's already done. And your heart is heavy and sad and your mind is circling. What do you do? What do you do? What is that? Post breakup regimen, Right? And I'm not talking, you know, sitcom style. Go out to a bar, get drunk, you know, flirt with someone. No, I don't think so. I mean you can, but how about this? How about you practice some really deep self love work like really deep. I love myself. I trust that I've made the right decision. I honor and listen to my instincts and my gut. I believe deeply that a right person or people are there and I've just freed myself to find the right fit. And I'm not concerned about the time it will take to get there, wondering if it'll ever happen. I'm going to offer instead to my future, to my faith, to my flow, these feelings. Yes, it's going to happen. Why? Because I'm wide open for it happening. I want this to happen. And I'll encounter others just like me. I'll align to them. I don't believe everything is cut off and shut off from here forward in my life. So I lovingly process the grief. I lovingly cry. I lovingly go through those memories. I lovingly pack up that box of memories and put it in the closet and say, I will come back to you when I'm ready. In the meantime, I'm just going to let my honor of this last relationship linger in me. I'm going to hug myself and say, you did it. You went through it. It's not your fault, you tried. If something isn't a fit, it is not a fit. No matter how you cram your little stepsister shoe into Cinderella's stepsister foot into Cinderella's slipper. That's what I meant. That was a tongue twister. But no matter how you try and do that, you will eventually say, I'm gonna find my own gosh darn slipper. And you do. I know you love this person. I know you wonder maybe why you weren't loved back or even why you stopped loving them. And the guilt that you feel about that. This is where the self love again comes in. It's perfectly fine that you Stopped loving them. It really is. Has anyone told you that? Not because you need to protect yourself or create boundaries or any of all that. Right? All of that gives you reasons. Some of them very legit. But sometimes we do just stop loving someone. We care about them, right? We have love for them in our hearts, but it's a different thing. They're not lighting you up. They're not waking you up. You're living separately. You've gone different ways. You've grown one way and they're growing another. And you realize that thing, that time where we wove together, where we sparked off of each other, we completed that. Why is completing that considered a bad thing? I think that's a fabulous thing. You completed that. You know, this is one of those main reasons why people, particularly in their 50s, 40s, 50s, 60s, end up divorcing. It's not that they hate their spouse. They just feel like. We've completed this. We completed the kid raising. We completed the going into our, you know, domestic role thing together. We were brought up to believe and. And that we wanted, frankly, to experience. We completed that. My next adventure awaits. So does yours. I bless you. I free you. Go find that. Go find it. Make those sparks happen, if not with another person, then with some other thing in your life that you're free now to grow and focus on. Because all that emotional hostage holding that we were doing is over. You're free. It's light. Sounds like I'm encouraging this, right? I'm not encouraging it, but I really want you to see. It's okay to stop loving someone. It's okay to have completion in a relationship. It's okay to even break up without completion. I know. That's the toughy, huh? That's even tougher. How do I break up without completion? It just lingers in me. Summer, when you break up without completion, it means the both of you are challenged to find completion in your own hearts because you're not going to find it together. You pursued that. It wasn't there. Why wasn't it there? Because you don't have completion in your own hearts. How could you possibly have completion as a unit? If two broken individuals can't figure it out together, perhaps two whole individuals can. So go get whole. What's the completion in your heart? Forgiveness. Being able to peacefully say, this is okay with me now, or, God, I love you so much, but we don't work, whatever it may be. I'm asking you to seek that in your relationship recovery program, and I want you to think of it like that I'm in a relationship recovery program right now. You know, there's that old saying that it takes a week for every month of a relationship that you've broken up with to heal. If it's like a big thing, like a divorce, it takes a month for every year that you were together. Obviously, those are just very wild rules of thumb. It's incredibly individual. It depends on how much it's provoked in us. It's depending on how much inner love and inner work and inner clarity and inner wholeness we've created prior even to the breakup. That's really the key here. You will make it through this. And we don't know where the fates of your future will fly you to, but you have a direct hand in this. You aren't just flapping away wither nither going wherever. You have a direct hand. You, in your post breakup are pre paving. That's a flow dreaming word. You're pre paving. You're manifesting. You're preacting a world around you where you say, I'm ready for my next relationship. And maybe I still have some grief and some letting go to do. But I know that the next time I become close with someone, I have a series of things that I want to learn from this. Things that maybe I didn't get before I'm ready for that next set. Things I want to learn is how to fully open and trust my partner that they will hold my heart. I don't need to hold back from them. Things I want to learn are what it feels like to truly be in a good and loving relationship. Wide open, clear, transparent. Tell them everything. Things I want to learn are how to have a relationship on my own terms, not anyone else's. Maybe we'll never live together, but we'll be together forever. Why not? Maybe we'll keep our own houses a state apart. Why not? Maybe I'll let myself merge into their family and embrace them. Why not? There's a whole list of things you haven't experienced, probably in a beautiful, healthy, growing, evolving relationship. Put those on the list. You have the opportunity now to learn them. And not only that, but you're carrying around this huge, wonderful database of what you just experienced. You have placed yourself in a ripe and ready position. And when the universe sees something like that, it answers. It feels you. Oh, they're ready. That's what it says. Oh, they're ready. I can feel it from them. All right, let's go. Next up. So the first thing to do is just to wash away not Only that clinging, needing, second guessing feeling. But to wash away your own inner self doubt. Doubt that you'll find someone, doubt that it'll ever work again, doubt that it's just the same thing's going to happen. It always happens. That whole stack of things you don't need to carry forward. In fact, if you do carry them forward, you are carrying them directly into your next relationship. Do you think your partner wants that? It's your job, it's your duty to release as much of those as you can. You don't want to give those to someone you love. This is why this is a really potent time for you. It's potent, it's starlit, it's beautiful, and I know it hurts, but it's also potent and starlit and beautiful. One of the things I want to encourage you highly, highly, highly to do in this post breakup procedure, right, routine schedule that you're putting together for yourself is first of all, think of it like that, like this is a legit thing. This isn't just it happened. I'm putting it out of my mind and plunging myself into work. That means I'm just gonna cover up the vomit on the floor with a layer of cat hair and pretend it's not there. Okay, that was random, but instead you're owning it. I'm doing this routine, I'm honoring this time, whatever it brings to me. Second, I'm working on that self love, self acceptance, trust component. Third, you guys who are flow dreamers know this, by the way, Flow dreaming, right? The name of this podcast, it is a worldview. It is a whole world that I invite you into. Become a seeker and explorer in this world. It's vast, it's gorgeous. It brings together so much manifesting and healing and mindset action, all kinds of things. So as this flow dreamer, I'm going to encourage you to do the actual emotional, energetic reconditioning. What that means is, you know, when you, when you go to the gym, you exercise your muscles, you're reconditioning your body from, you know, soft and flabby to strong, right? Those muscles, those fibers are growing. Same is true. Emotionally, you can make those emotional fibers strong. And I refer to flow dreaming sometimes as emotional reconditioning. Because what you're saying is I want to deal with this differently. I want to feel different ways in my life. I'm going to stop waiting for life to give me reasons to feel good. I am going to create those good feelings and then give life opportunities to match them by bringing me delightful things. So we go into flow. And when you go into flow, you're going to work on this sort of releasing and letting go and refilling yourself and soothing and assuring yourself, soothing your mind. You don't need to wonder if they're thinking about you. If they are, they are. And if they're not, they're not. If you feel like reaching out, you will. If you don't, you don't. You're gentle with yourself, you're peaceful with yourself. You're protective of yourself. We do all of these things while in flow. So I thought, I haven't done this in a long time, but I want to lead you through a flow dream, a very brief one, to help you understand this, really get that this is a process you can do in 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes in a day, every day. And doing it recurrently is like going to the gym. Every day. You change, your emotions change quicker, faster. You process that grief out. You come to that clarity, you come to that peaceful acceptance. Everything you're looking for, you come to faster and stronger. And I know you want that. So we're gonna drop in and do it. Are you ready? Okay. Flow. Dreaming requires three things from you. It's a little bit like meditation, but unlike meditation, we're gonna use it to either manifest or heal or both. First of all, I'm going to ask you to daydream. Yep. Use your imagination. Just go off in a daydream. I'm gonna give you some things to think and feel. Follow my lead. Secondly, it requires your deep and intense emotion. I want you to be emotionally with me. Don't just float and chill and listen to the words. Go feel it. If I say feel it, feel it. Unplug your emotional self. This sometimes takes practice, by the way. That's okay. Lastly is the concept of flow state. Now, flow state is something that your being naturally can go into. Usually we don't even recognize we're in it. It sort of operates at this higher level. Everything is flowing, everything is going right, everything is in alignment. We're imaginative, creative, focused, productive. We lose track of time, we lose track of the world and the room around us. Flow can also take you to a higher state of being in your entire body, mind and soul. That's the flow. We go to think of it like spiritual flow, energetic flow, higher self flow. We get into that state using the imagination. And when we're in that state, that's when we begin the emotion. And it's not hard. So we're gonna do it. You Might feel it, you might not. Does it matter if you want to learn it and like practice it more. By the way, my website has a great great kit. Free little kit to download. It contains audios, tutorials, PDFs, quick start guides. You can learn it like spend 20 minutes looking it over and then practice it. You know, when you're taking a shower later or driving your car, whatever. Okay, enough of the prelude. Let's get into this. We are going to go in and help you recover from this breakup. Start by closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, gently exhaling. And as you do, your shoulders drop and you continue to breathe, releasing your stomach, opening and closing your jaw, releasing the tension. Breathing again softly, deeply, slowly. As now your brow releases and you relax, bringing no tension from your body into this beautiful flow space. You imagine and you daydream that you're in a garden. A garden. It's beautiful. Old fashioned. All the trees surrounding this garden, your secret garden, they're in bloom. White blossoms, pink blossoms, purple blossoms fill the trees and they litter the walkways. This magical place, this garden, this garden filled with love. As a little bubbling fountain in the middle, maybe a statue of Cupid. You can just feel it. The flowers are shaped like hearts. Sweet, rich, loving and abundance of perfumed blossoms. Wherever you look, wherever you turn in this garden, there's something unique, new that catches your eye, that catches your heart. So you wander over and stare down, you kneel down and you can feel all of these beautiful flowers or roses. They're made of light, they're made of energy. They're not physical, they're soft, they're giving, they're yielding to your fingers. As you pick one beautiful flower. The most gorgeous flower you've ever seen. You bring it to your nose and you inhale. Oh, it's scent is just heavenly. You bring it close to your heart and you can feel your heart. It grieves. It grieves, it feels the loss, feels guilt, feels inadequate, feels angry. Oh it feels so many things. And you let your heart just be. You accept it. All that it feels. This flower crushed right against it. This flower absorbing and taking, saying I'll hold some of these feelings for you. I will take them. I will turn them into beautiful scents and colors and swirls on my petals. I will take these feelings and I will hold them with you. Because you, you are good and you are right and you are loved. And you will always be loved. And what just happened, what happened in the past, this loss, this separation, this breakup. You were part of it. Yes. And so were the others. Or the other. You did it together. You did it together. No matter who initiated what, it happened to both of you, with both of you, both of you both taking a role, both of you agreeing. I will grow from this. I will learn from this. I will find the treasure in this. I will be at peace. If there is an opportunity for us to loop back together again someday, then there will be. And I trust that. And if we are both grateful that this truly is the release and the letting go, then we both exhale with relief, satisfaction. We did it. We crested the wave. We did the hardest part. Now what? Now what beautiful thing can we grow? We can start over. There's something new. Either a new kind of relationship between us, or perhaps we'll both heal separately through others. But we made it. We did it. And it's okay. You're okay, and I'm okay. And we're feeling this, and you're feeling this. And you know, this breakup was inevitable. It was natural. It was part of the process. It was your next step. And you did it. No regrets. You did it. And now you draw the gems from it as if you were drawing gems from the very petals of this beautiful open flower in front of you. Pull those gems out of the sparkling necklace of light. You say, thank you. I appreciate this experience. Someday I will be able to say, I love having had this experience. Such a blessing for my growth, for their growth. I saw so much, discovered so much. I learned so much. I became a better person. What more can I ask? Thank you. And you continue to hold the flower as you look around and see this gorgeous garden crowded with light and love. And that love holds you. The garden is a soft cocoon around you, this garden of heavenly delights. And it assures you, you will be loved again. You will love again. You will have intimacy again. You will be intimate again. The only endings are in your own mind. Release them. Release. Feel that, Feel that. And you do. And with that, you find yourself watching as the daydream ends. Coming back to present. Returning from flow. There you have it. A very brief flow dream leading you into the beginning of your healing. There is so much more. You can make it go so much faster. I want to encourage you to visit flowdreaming.com that's my personal website. I have over 200 recorded meditations and flow dreams there for you. Activations to help you manifest and heal. One that I specifically recommend for you is the playlist called Release and Love Again. It is excellent for this process. And with that, the only Last thing that I ask of you is that you go ahead and give this podcast a star rating. However, you're listening to it on whatever platform. It would mean so, so much to me to know that you're really there and you enjoyed it and you want others to know about it, too. With that, lots of love to you guys. And with Valentine's Day coming up, you know, I thought I would just take a little different twist on things. It's so much about finding love, but who talks about releasing it and healing and moving on? So that's my gift for you today. But happy Valentine's. As it comes up, lots of love to you all and I'll see you again for another episode of Flow Dreaming. Hi, friends. If you enjoyed this episode, then I'd like you to consider what having private mentoring with me would be like. You see, I accept a small number of people each year for private coaching. The question is, what do you want to make? Who do you want to become? We can program and shape any area of yourself or your life. Imagine right now what you would be doing if you had no fear. Imagine how your life would look if there were no patterns and blocks repeatedly tripping you up. Imagine if you were fully healed in your heart, body and mind. Imagine if you also had a map to your success and you could follow it with ease and flow. Well, I look into you and into your life and I feel where you're going and know where the road is open and where it's blocked. I help you make the very best decisions based on what's coming up for you. I'll also show you exactly what I do day to day to succeed in my personal and business life. And we can create a copycat plan for you. So if you're game, you can fill out an application on my website for private coaching. Just go to flowdreaming.com coaching and then let's talk. I mean, the time to go for it is now. So let's just get this started. Just reach out to me at my website, flowdreaming.com and I'll get right back with you.