718: Why Narcissists Love Empaths

Narcissists and empaths, they go together like, oh, peanut butter and jelly. Oh, why is that? And yeah, like, what's the deal? Today we're going to explore the strange attraction between these two odd molecules, the narcissist and the empath. And I know a lot of us listening right now, we're like, I'm an empath, not a narcissist. But yeah, it takes two to tango. So I want you to see this as clear as a bell. I'm gonna teach you ways to protect yourself, teach you how to notice those red flags and help you understand why you have so much gosh darn sympathy and how you can continue to have that beautiful compassionate soul without it getting constantly run over. So stay with me. And if, by the way, if you don't consider yourself an empath, you're still going to get a lot from it. So here we go. Flow Dreaming still kind of Woo Woo is just what it sounds like. An escape into the world of woo. Also a ride into you and how to feel happier. Wow. Wiser and more self aware in every way. It's your ultimate journey into personal growth and inner power. We'll explore ideas like how your energy self influences the kinds of opportunities you encounter, or how your personal growth can drive your business growth, or even how that feeling of being stuck is really always coming from something else. We just have to figure out what. That's right. We're a dash of woo woo. A sprinkle of self care, a heap of problem solving and pattern busting, and a giant cup of encouragement. We're going to relight so much passion, purpose, self love and confidence in you that you practically stagger. I'm Summer McStravik, your host and welcome to Flow Dreaming. Still kind of woo woo. Welcome to episode 718, why Narcissists Love Empaths and why Empaths Love Narcissists. I know these two should stay in the far corners of the ring. They should never ever, ever, ever meet. And yet they do far too often. I can't tell you how many people I have worked with over the years and they say I was married to a narcissist. It took me 10 years, 50, 15 years to get this figured out. So for narcissists today, we're going to make the definition a little looser than the textbook guidelines. We are going to include all of those people who tend to prioritize their own self wellness over that of their partner or other people. We're going to include those people who tend to ask for far more than they give. And we're going to include those people who generally just tend to make us feel like whatever we're doing or giving isn't enough, it's not good enough. We should do more. We're selfish. We are somehow wrong. Right? And that's how they work things. That's how they get their lives to tick forward by capitalizing on people like us and our feelings of, oh, did I hurt your feelings? Is there something I should have done different? What can I do for you? What else do you need? And then down the slippery, slippery slope, as they say. So, oh, a good juicy eye opening show. And you know, maybe it's not you that I'm talking about directly in today's episode, but maybe it's somebody you love, a good friend, someone in your family, someone you know, and you will be better informed and you will be able to say to them, whoa, I see exactly what is going on here. All right, before we drop into that, a little personal update. December is upon us. Well, I don't know when you're listening to this show precisely, could be, you know, in the future of Archive, but right now it is snowy season. We just left spooky season, followed by thankful season and now we're in snowy season. Obviously I am in North America, not Australia, because you guys are basking in the sun on the beach right now. Oh, jealous. So here we are and I have something coming up fabulous for those of you who are in the Flow Dreaming mastermind, which you are able to enroll in right now. It is unlike any program I've ever done. It is inexpensive, inexpensive in case that wasn't clear. And it really is set up to be a series of parties, events, special occasions, as well as some consistent Flow Dreaming. Once to twice a month we're going to get together just like we did with one brilliant thing over the summer. And we are going to make stuff happen and we're going to laugh and enjoy and I'll be sprinkling in some good, juicy teachings along the way. But mostly I just want a place where we can get together and really lift each other up high. So I cannot wait to see some of you on December 21st when we have our first gathering on the solstice and bring you a little more into my world of beautiful love strengthening, soft ritual of flow, energy of manifesting and just being able to meet some other really good hearted people in a kind of, like I said, a kind of a party atmosphere. I like. I want you to show up to this, like, I have personally handed you a party invite and said, can you come? All right, I'll tell you more as we go along, but just putting it out there because it sure would be lovely to see you and get you all fixed up and focused as we wind it down this year. All right. Empaths. Empaths, you guys. I know you up and down, inside and out. I know because I am one of the many things I do. Some of you are aware I do a lot of empathic intuitive work and mediumship in addition to bringing people into flow and manifesting. In fact, manifesting and teaching. It has been my life's work for the last 20 years. But there's always been a deep, strong undercurrent of what else I do. And what else I do is read people. And I recognize other people who read people. Like, we have some real strong overlaps and similarities. I consider you an empath if you have ever found yourself changing your mood or having your mood changed, not even knowing why when you enter a room full of people or when you spend time around a certain person or people. I consider you an empath when you tend to put down your own needs and desires in favor of taking care of someone else's. We are the ultimate saying of that old when you wear someone else's moccasins and walk in their shoes. That's what we do. And we do it without thinking. We are the chameleons, the intuitive world. We blend into our environment. We change the color of our skin, of our being, of our body, of our essence to align with whoever we're around. And we have to be very careful with who we are around as a result. Some of us became this way because we grew up in difficult or toxic environments. Divorce homes, homes with addiction, homes with abuse. We learned that if we could read the room, read the parent, read the situation, we could probably keep ourselves safe and out of danger and not be yelled at or hurt. So we learned, oh, that spidey sense of ours went on overdrive and it helped us. Now here we are, grown adults, and that spidey sense is always on the lookout. What does this person need? How are they feeling? Let me align to them. If I align to them, then I'll know. Now what happens is. And by the way, I did a great series on the weird hangups empaths have. If you want to scroll back, episodes 696 and 687 both talk about other characteristics that we have. You may just be like, blown away, like, oh my God, she is describing me to a T. But as I was saying before, why does the empath often end up in the sphere of a narcissist? What is it like a fish to a worm on a hook? And how can we stop this from happening? Well, like I said, we've trained ourselves to be sensitive. It's a survival instinct. Many people have this ability, but they don't scale it up so quickly or so necessarily as many of us have. Now we end up meeting people and what are they emanating? I need you. I need something from you. You need to see me. You need to see how I'm feeling, right? They're like a blaring signal, a blinking light for us. Their needs, their desires, their see me, feed me, give to me, prop me up, whatever it may be, is practically blinding. Most other regular people are just like, yeah, we'll get to know each other and maybe we'll compliment each other and help each other get our needs met. But a narcissist is like, everybody, everybody, hello, everybody. I'm in charge here. You need to do what I need. It's overwhelming. It's a rogue wave in the ocean crashing over all the other waves. So what do all of us who are empaths do? Our little necks all swivel in your to the brightest energy in the room, and that is the narcissist. And they're not by brightest energy. They don't have to be like the showman on the stage. This can be a person of any gender, any orientation. There's nothing characteristic in that sense. But this can be a person who basically is saying, I come first and what you're doing is not what I need and it's not good enough. And here's how you need to change it for me. Now you can start to see how there's something kind of sticky about that for an empath. You're like, well, I'm used to changing myself and aligning and reading the situation that now you're saying something I'm doing isn't quite right. What do you mean? What do you mean? I think I'm reading you perfectly. They're like, no, you're not right. And we know the head tripping. Let the head tripping begin. And that's one of the narcissist's primary ways of dealing with an empath. Keep you guessing. Keep you always not right. Having you second guess your feelings over and over. Classic. It's called gaslighting. You're second guessing your feelings over and over. When Your feelings have been the one true barometer all along your life, and now someone's telling you, yeah, but they're not right. What do you mean they're not right? Can you see how this instantly stirs an angst? And maybe if you've been in this situation, you're already feeling the angst. I'm so sorry if I'm triggering you with this. I am not meaning to, but I want you to understand the minute you feel this angst, you are probably in the presence of a narcissist. Because regular people are not going to make you go in and second guess yourself like that. They just won't. Regular people, when you're around them, maybe you say something dumb or you feel like you should have shown up differently or been nicer or whatever. You come back from the situation and you're like, God, I could have done that better. Right? It's a different vibe. It's you saying to yourself, yeah, I probably could have done that better. But with a narcissist it's like, oh, God, what's wrong? Oh, no. Oh, I bet. Oh, gosh, I gotta fix this. Oh, I messed that up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. There's an angst to it. There's a fear that ripples through. And narcissists are unfortunately expert at sensing that, smelling it and utilizing it for what their needs are. I don't mean to paint narcissist as the full villain, I realize, kind of doing that right now. But if you are the narcissist in this situation, you need to realize that when you have these people come to you, they're like babes in the woods, right? You have to be extra careful with them, you have to be extra delicate. They're like little, little eggs that you're carrying in the palms of your hands and balancing. You've got to take that on you. But many, many, of course they don't. So here's how this plays out, right? I'm giving you some ideas, like how to know when you're in the presence of one and what it feels like and who we are that we get led into these relationships. Well, the narcissist is going to ask you things that they believe to do, things that they say to do, to wear clothes they say to wear to see people or stop seeing people that they tell you are appropriate and generally get you into a state of second guessing everything by reminding you over and over of how wrong you are as an empath. This just sets you on like absolute spinning out of Control mode. Because you're feeling something and someone's saying wrong and you're like, but it's right, but it's wrong. Right, wrong, right, wrong, right, wrong. Day after day, month after month, year after year. You can see how this leads empaths into situations where they are completely taken in and it's through no fault of their own. Through no fault of your own. You see, we naturally give other people the benefit of the doubt. It's who we are. Again, if I can walk in your moccasins, if I can see your view of the world, like I literally feel it, and I'm often feeling it without judgment. If you see the world as bad or crazy or you need to protect me, or I shouldn't know anything about your finances, your money or your other family. If you really feel that way, and I'm an empath, I can understand why you feel that way. I see through your eyes. And then we have to somehow tear ourselves out of that and differentiate and go, yeah, but that's screwed up. But usually we don't because we're kind hearted, we have generous natures and we want to understand. We have compassion. We have what empath is or empathy is in Empath, right? Same word. So our tendency day after day is going to be to give somebody else a little more rope. A little more. Okay, fine, a little more. Okay, I'll believe you. A little longer. Okay, I'll look into that. A little bit more. Okay, maybe you're right. I don't need to know anything about your. I see this in marriages a lot. The one partner knows absolutely nothing about their other partner's bank accounts, even their jobs. Sometime where they go and the empath is like, but they'll explain it. They have a good reason for it. They'll tell me that empath is so hooked up into alignment with the narcissist that they have forgotten what their personal own alignment is. See what I'm saying? They've been glued in to the other person's way of being. It's a danger that we all face and we only start to notice it when we break down. You know, something really starts to go really, really obviously wrong or our friends step in. Often we get rid of our friends and family who tell us things in the beginning because we don't want to hear that. We don't. We're not, mm, mm. Get out of here. You're not supporting me. But eventually, sometimes someone circles around and says, I'm really worried about you. Like, you should not be putting up with this. And the empath's answer is, putting up with what? Because it's so normal. At this point, we empaths, we second guess our boundaries, and we often ask ourselves, am I being too cruel? Am I being too untrusting? Am I being too. Are my expectations too high? Am I really being a jerk? I know this. I have been in relationships with narcissists. Not in a romantic relationship, thank God, but I have been in work relationships with them primarily, as well as had others drift in and through my life and other situations. And a hallmark for me is this person is basically taking advantage of. And the first time I'm like, okay, that's cool. You know, I know I tend to be a little perfectionistic, so it's all right, you know, I'll let that go. That's not a big deal. I mean, yeah, you did that. That was really crappy. And then they say, oh, I didn't do anything. And I go, wait, wait, what? I felt you. I mean, yes, you did. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. And that's how it starts. And then that going back into your own brain. Wait, am I right? Am I wrong? What's happening here, energetically, is you're getting one set of information. Like the actual stuff that happens, whatever this person is doing or how they're behaving or being in your life is putting out a certain energy. You feel it. You're like, oh, this is not good. This is wrong. And then right on top of that comes another wave, a second set of energy usually coming from this person or the narcissist who says, oh, no, that you're not. That's what you're feeling is not actually what you're feeling. You're wrong. You've misinterpreted that. You don't understand. You're being the one. You're this, you're that, and they turn it back on you. And you're getting two conflicting sets of information, opposite sets of information. At this point, what do you do? What do you do? Well, our nature is to align with others. It makes us incredible intuitives, you guys. There are so many upsides to being an empath, it's crazy. Again, go back and listen to those two episodes. But the downside is we go, oh, well, I better align to this and see. And it's like getting sucked into a big maw, a black hole. It happens once, twice, again, again, again. I have had it happen to me with certain people where I felt disempowered, where I felt like I must be crazy to keep feeling like this. And yet everybody says they're so great. Everyone says they're so wonderful. You ever noticed how often narcissists have a circle of people who give them hand claps and high fives and think they are the best person in this world? And it's like, why did this? Why does the narcissist reserve all the crap just for you? Everybody else thinks they're amazing because the narcissist is getting all the energy they need from you. You're filling them up. You are giving them a full course meal every day. And now they can go out and show the rest of the world just how great they are without having to pull from them. When you step away. Oh, they're like a tick that isn't getting blood anymore. Things go south fast. And the hardest part for us is that we second guess our own self for doing it. Should I be protecting myself? Could. Could. Should I be setting that boundary? It seems awfully mean. It seems awfully cruel. It seems awful. Like there's we. If you have those thoughts going through your head right now about anybody that you know, my answer is you're probably not being cruel enough. Like, anybody else would have walked away ages ago. Anybody else would have stood up and said, no, you're the one who's acting weird and what are you hiding? But we don't do that. So the very fact of being in the position to ask that question is probably telling you, you're right. Go further. You're barely scratching the surface. Put the boundary up, right? Close the door. Leave the house. You need to protect yourself in a big, big, big way. I know I'm being very strident here, but again, I've worked with a lot of people over the last couple decades. I go in people's minds. I read them, I feel them. I read the people around them. And seeing it from an outsider's perspective to people in this dance, it's like you. You know what, you empath. You need to go and protect yourself now, narcissist, you need to do some inner work and discover why you need to control other people's perception of you. What's that about? That's your growth piece. Remember I said narcissists are not bad people, right? They just. They. They have certain needs and they're used to getting them through certain ways that they figured out. But their growth piece is to go beyond that, to give to themselves those feelings, to let other people live and be and to show themselves as they truly are to others. Not how they want to appear or what they're hiding and only showing certain pieces. They have a growth series and sequence to go through too. But the only way that they both the empath and the narcissist can get on that road is to separate. Otherwise they stay locked into the dance. So this is why. This is why empaths love narcissists and vice versa. Because they're both getting a need met. Strangely, the empath is needing to be needed. The narcissist is needing to control. Right? Control the perception, control the Persona, control their environment and so forth. Perfect pair. Except not. Not at all. Okay, keep that in mind. We're going to take a quick break here. I'm going to share a little bit about how to get involved in my fantastic Flow Dreaming Mastermind. Then we get a few more thoughts and I hope to send you on your way feeling awake, squeaky clean. A little bit more empowered and able to say, hey man, this is my boundary. Take it or leave it. Because that is honestly the most generous and beautiful thing that you can do for another person. So. Be right back. Maybe you remember one brilliant thing. My summertime Manifesting challenge. Well, I wanted a way to keep that energy going all year round. That's how I ended up creating the Flow Dreaming Mastermind. This is different than any other program I've offered. For one thing, it is packed with teachings. Not only do you get immediate access to 36 courses and all the accompanying Flow Dreams and worksheets, but you and I will get to Flow Dream together. Each month. Live Each month, I plan a special event. A Flow Dreaming session coinciding with the full moon or other potent day. And we gather to create huge manifesting energy. Think of it like a series of special events. And you're invited to every single one as a Flow Dream Mastermind member. Flowy if you will. And best of all, it's affordable. Costs as much as taking a family of four to Applebees each month. No kidding. You'll get to connect with like minded souls around the world for Flow Dreaming parties. Joyful energy Cleansing. Flow Dreaming. Some woo woo rituals that show a little of my witchy side and just a heck of a good time. Because the lighter and brighter you you are, the lighter and brighter your life is. Check out the Flow Dreaming mastermind@flow dreaming.com. because our next special event and party is just around the corner. Okay, as we wrap up, there are a couple things I want you to remember. Maybe I've just rattled your cage A little. You're like, I'm never coming back to this podcast. No, I hope you will. I hope you can help somebody that you love. You probably spotted them and you're like, why did they put up with that? Well, now you know. If it's you or someone you care about, here are the next steps. Sometimes it's yes, starting with a separation, but oftentimes you can't. You work for the person or you're still married to them and you don't have anything put in yet to just get out of there. So what then? Then the first thing you do is you start to assess, how often am I confused? How often do I feel confused? That is key number one, because when you feel the confusion, the power play narcissist empath loop is definitely at work. After you notice that, for a while, it becomes harder to believe everything that your narcissist is saying to you or about you. You look at them more and more like, huh, that's leading to that feeling again. And instead of automatically assuming it's true, what they're trying to overload your empathic senses with, you instead say, I don't know that that's true. It doesn't feel right. You are slowly reclaiming your own sense of inner knowing, your own sense of power. Now, the next step beyond that is enforcement of that power. And that's where a lot of empaths get stuck, right? They can see it. They kind of know what's going on. They can see it and sweep it under the rug. And then it pops up again, and then they just put it away again. Because enforcement is sometimes scary. Enforcement means they're going to hate me, they're going to get mad, they're going to get violent, they're going to fire me, they're going to whatever it may be. So we recognize what the boundaries could be, but then we think, ah, no, I'm wrong, I'm wrong, they must be right. Everybody seems to agree with them. How can, nah, I can't be right. And that is the impasse that most of these relationships end up settling into a back and forth queasiness, ending up with, nah, I'm not, I can't be right. So the empath's next arena of growth is to say, what if I am right? What if I am already a good person? What if I've already given way too much? I was talking with someone recently who's been giving someone practically free rent in their home for almost a year, and we calculated it with the expense of electricity and water. And it turns out this person's using, like, three quarters of the electricity in the house because they run the air conditioning day and night. I said, do you realize you've given them essentially $10,000? Like, that's the money you lost in not actually renting it. I know, but this person really needs it. And. Na, na, na. And I'm like, yeah, is this person. If they walked in off the street, would you hand them a $10,000 check? No. No. I'm like, well, then how did this happen? How'd this happen? Right? That's the kind of. Oh. And that's why it can be hard for us empaths, because we don't want to admit that. We don't want to see that we did that. And the minute we say, oh, you. You're you, I'm gonna kick you out. We just feel like we're terrible people. We're gonna ruin the other person's life. How many empaths are out there who think they're the one who's gonna ruin the narcissist life? They'll be homeless. They'll have a mental breakdown. They threatened that they'll do something dangerous. Right? That person's got us. And so we don't. We're afraid. And you can see where this starts to veer into abusive relationships oftentimes. But you can take small steps. This is my boundary. I'm leaving for the weekend. I'm going to go visit my mom, go visit my kids. Bye. I have my own bank account. I have. I'm applying for work elsewhere with a place that actually isn't going to ask everything from me all the time and make me feel terrible, like I'm a terrible employee if I don't. Little baby steps. It's the way to go. You can't go from 0 to 60 if you're an empath who's recovering. Recovering from a narcissist. I mean, maybe you can, but it's hard. I want you to do a baby step. I'm here for you. By the way, again, I work with a lot of people. Seen this quite a bit. I can look into you and your narcissist friend or partner or whomever and give you a plan, help you with these baby steps. So just reach out. I do do private sessions. In fact, I'll put a little. I'll put a little thing here at the end. You can listen to. To figure out how to. How to work with me. But in the meantime, I just want you to know you are Whole, you are worthy, you are gorgeous, you are compassionate, you are strong. Your boundaries are correct, they are right, they should be firm. And anyone worth their salt would be able to say, oh, I respect you that you have that boundary. Thank you for letting me know because I care about you and I want us to have a long and lasting relationship. That's what a regular cool person would say. Narcissist won't say that. That's a telltale sign. So put that boundary up and challenge that person that you love. You do love the narcissist. This is not an overpowering all the time kind of thing. Oftentimes you love them. Give them the opportunity to be different with you. Give them the opportunity to say, no, I'm actually not that way. Let them finally, finally show you with that. My dears, I could keep going for hours on this topic, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna let you go and we're gonna get into some more fun and uplifting every now and then. I like to put real punchy episode though. Gets you really thinking and you know, questioning, oh, is that me or somebody you know, like. But we'll get into some fun stuff here as we go into more of the joyful holidays, birth and renewal and where we're going next, some good juicy manifesting. So stay with me and and we'll do more of that as we move forward into more episodes of flow dreaming. Still kind of woo woo. My love to you all, I love to work with you. One on one, I get to see the most exponential growth. And those of you who work with me privately every month, I'm part coach, part mentor, part energy worker and intuitive. What I do is beyond traditional coaching in many ways since I add in all kinds of information you wouldn't normally have access to and the results speak for themselves. I have hundreds of glowing testimonials you can read for yourself at my website or just reach out and ask me. We began working together with an assistant assessment of your life, what you want and where you've been, where you're going. We focus deeply on patterns, blocks and what you plan to achieve or become next within yourself and within your life. Last. We're going to carry your desires right into the heart of the universe by flow dreaming together. As I lead you in every session with a personalized customized flow drain, you're going to end up with dozens of these plus a plan. Now you've got two options. You can either take me for a test run with an introductory private session or we can just jump in and explore what a longer relationship working together would do for your Life. Just visit flowdreaming.com search for private sessions and I really look forward to meeting you.