In this comedic lyrical monologue, the speaker humorously catalogues a wide range of COVID‑19 conspiracy theories—ranging from bats and Wuhan labs to 5G, Russian bioweapons, billionaire schemes, and a mysterious 'Disease X'—while describing his own quarantine experience, absurd home remedies (garlic, tea, bleach), and growing paranoia. The piece satirically critiques the spread of misinformation, mocks the absurdity of the theories, and ends with a plea for listeners to stop sharing such conspiracies, urging personal responsibility and calm.
Chapters
First time I heard about it, it was across the sea. People were eating bats, they got this bad disease. Then I heard it came from a science lab. A genius playing with germs and it all went bad. Maybe it was Wuhan, could have been the government. Also got my own conspiracy theory. I bet it was my neighbor, you know what? I accidentally heard them through the wall. I heard some people talking, and they were comparing schemes. One said it's a weapon, another said it's from 5G. Maybe a billionaire with a master plan. Could be a brilliant scam from a businessman. I saw it on the internet or heard it on the street, and bet you got your own conspiracy theory. From the '60s It's been around, but this specific strand ain't never been found. Called the Z-Zac in 2018, and now I'm sitting here in quarantine. My nose is runny, but they say it's not a sign, 'cause I can hold my breath for 10 seconds at a time. I'm eating lots of garlic and drinking tea. Magic mineral solution with added bleach. Now you got me paranoid, I can barely breathe. Don't wanna hear anymore of these conspiracy theories. Film at 11. Some say it's the Russians, some say a black hole. Some are saying it's as harmless as a common cold. The Americans, we've got our priorities. National Guard is bagging our groceries. A ploy to keep my hands clean, money for a vaccine, had enough of these theories. From the '60s it's been around, but this specific strand ain't never been found. Called Disease X in 2018, and now I'm sitting here in quarantine. Let me end this ditty by putting Settin' your mind at ease, 'cause I have found the cure for this horrible disease. Before you let your minds go off again, this is what I would recommend. Try to stop yourself from postin' if you please, we'll put an end to all of these conspiracy theories.
