+1: Children's Emotions (#020)

Welcome to Mama Goddess. I'm your host, Alexandra J. Johnson. This podcast is all about rocking your goddess life, creating vibrant health and celebrating motherhood and family life. It's about living an authentically awesome life. Let's have some fun.

Hello, this is Alexandra. Welcome to another optimize +1. I'm fascinated with emotions and especially children's. I have learned a ton about human development in the last seven years in my motherhood journey. One of the most rewarding and transforming experiences have been when I've allowed my children to feel their emotions and not try to change them or fix them, to just let them be who they are in that moment. It's been a part of my spiritual practice, showing me all the places where I can grow. I've noticed the uncomfortableness rise when they're upset about something. I've wanted to stop it and change it and reason with them and give them other ways of seeing the situation. This is very common in our culture. There's a tendency to distract children from how they're feeling as soon as possible. They start to whimper or show sadness and will whisk them up or show them something else, or maybe try to tickle them or worse, call them names. I've observed these tendencies a lot in myself and also out in the world. I find it interesting because a lot of us adults don't know how we're feeling, and we try to distract and ignore our feelings as well. I think it's accepted as a cultural norm, and for many of us, it's what we've seen and experience. So it's what we consciously and unconsciously do with our own children. But what if there's another way? And there is. Here's the practice. The child gets upset about something. It may be something we think is silly. It oftentimes is now. Let them be who they are in that moment. Let them feel without trying to change or fix it. Just listen and be there for them, allowing them to share what's up for them and just give the emotion space to do its thing. Sometimes I don't even say anything. Or sometimes I will say, yeah, I know you want that and you can't have that right now.

You.

You're upset about that. I'll take a deep breath. I'll focus on my heart. To help us both process, I remind myself that they have flipped their lid, meaning their emotional and rational brain aren't communicating so well, and that they are overwhelmed and their flight or flight, their fight or flight reflex has been triggered. This allows me to cultivate More compassion and less judgment. I just imagine I'm holding space for them to move through whatever needs to be cleared. It may take a minute or 20, but there's a pattern. I've seen it so many times that I'm a believer. I don't always take the time necessary to allow it to run its full course, but for the most part, I do. I have seen the magic and it's powerful. I've watched my children's wild anger and deep upset be transmuted into peace. It can be intense to stand in the heat and not judge or want to change it. But I simply acknowledge that they're having a hard time. I witness their struggle. I allow their emotions to run through them with without me trying to tell them they shouldn't be feeling the way they are feeling. My only rule is that no one physically gets hurt. No biting, hitting, kicking, throwing, etc. Then the interesting thing. After some time, I observe them soften. They may still be upset and yelling, but it's not as strong. And I just wait. I tell them I'm here for them. If they want me to hold them or or give them a hug. I usually sit down next to them. I also observe my thoughts about what's happening because those may be hindering me from truly being present to their emotional unraveling. Then sometimes they will yawn or appear to get sleepy, or come closer and maybe even touch me. Eventually they will end up in my arms. As I hold them, we cuddle for a bit. Sometimes my older child will say what he thinks was triggering his upset. Like he's tired or he's upset that he couldn't play at the park longer earlier that day, or any number of things that may have happened in the course of a day. Then they're ready to move on. They usually joyfully jump up and go and do something else like nothing happened. I didn't need to lecture or intervene. Kids are intuitive and intelligent and way more connected to themselves in what they need than we usually give them credit for. Most of the time they'll figure it out by themselves if we get out of their way and support them as they navigate their emotional storms. They don't ruminate on it. They aren't grumpy about it. Hours or days later, they they have moved through the whole process and therefore the healing is done. And isn't that what we all want? How amazing is it when someone just listens to us? They don't try to change us or tell us that we're wrong or that we shouldn't be feeling a certain way. I've noticed that when someone holds a space of love and trust, I find my power and my way much faster than when someone tries to lecture or change me and try to get me to do what they think I should be doing or feeling. This practice is a gift for our children and also for us. May we all feel held and loved as we learn how to be with all of our emotions and rise up and become stronger because someone truly listened to us and allowed us to be ourselves. Sending you big love and blessings.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Mama Goddess. Sending you lots of love and blessings. If you'd like to connect more, go to mamagoddess.com until next time, keep rocking it and have an awesome day.