Delightful & Joyful Family Living with Carrie Contey

Welcome to Mama Goddess. I'm your host, Alexandra J. Johnson. This podcast is all about rocking your goddess life, creating vibrant health and celebrating motherhood and family life. It's about living an authentically awesome life. Let's have some fun. Today we have a lovely guest. Her name is Kerri Conti. And Carrie is a coach, she's an author, she's a speaker, she's an educator. And she really focuses on parenting, family life, and really being a happy, whole, healthy human being. And she's an extraordinary human being herself. And I'm welcome. I'm honored to welcome you, Carrie.

Well, I'm honored to be here. And it's so fun. We've talked so several times, but we've never seen each other. So this is extra fun and maybe we'll actually meet in person soon. Fun to see your gorgeous face.

It's fun to see your gorgeous face. And we actually realized that we're in the same town currently, so we will probably see each other, which is very exciting.

Very.

Yes.

Don't live near each other.

Yeah. That's so fantastic. Well, I'd love to start off with. And I just love. I gotta appreciate you. I love the energy and the enthusiasm and the knowledge and the wisdom that you bring to parenting. Like, I just go to your website, I talk to you, and you just make things like, ha. It's not so challenging.

Nice. Thank you. That's my point, is to try to help people relax and have more fun and see the big picture and really, you know, keep your eye on the main thing, which is joy and love and delight and fun and connection and really trying to be in healthy relationships with everybody in your life, mainly yourself, but especially yourself, your kids, your partner, your family, your friends. So that's what I love to do, is just inspire people to have a fuller, richer life from an inside out kind of way.

Fantastic. And you have this whole idea of this new paradigm of parenting. So can you talk to us a little bit about what is this new paradigm? How can this help us have more fun, play and delight?

Yeah, I would love to. So my background is prenatal and perinatal psychology. So for the past almost 20 years now, I've been studying humans from the very, very beginning. What happens in the womb that really influences how we unfold and how our relationships very early in life, in babyhood and toddlerhood and childhood, really influence how the beingness of us, who we truly are, unfolds. So through that, what's emerging is a new paradigm. So the old paradigm, the old way of thinking about children and family was that we arrive as blank slates, that there was really no understanding that there was a person there, that it was believed that you have a baby and then you pour in the information that allows them to be, you know, appropriate in society, good people. And that, you know, the role of the parent is to discipline and to, you know, guide in a sense of this is right and wrong and good and bad. And what we now know through the work that that's emerging out of attachment theory and out of the interpersonal neuroscience and all the brain stuff we're learning. And my field, pre and perinatal psychology, is this whole new understanding, which is that we arrive as people, we're conscious, and maybe we're in these very little bodies, but really that doesn't mean we're not there. And that the way that we're cared for and the way that people interact with us and the way that we're communicating to the best of our ability through all the different phases is really shaping how we perceive the world, how we perceive ourselves, how we perceive relationships. And so that's giving parenting a whole new job description that really, your job isn't to make somebody a person. It's to guide and nurture and support who's already there. And really, you know, I love the theme of pleasure. And the thing that I really bring to parents is this idea of, how do you really delight in who this human being is, whether it's in the baby form or through toddlerhood or through childhood, but really, how do you say, wow, it's you. You came to us. Oh, I can't wait to see how you unfold. And I'm going to delight in who you are every step of the way, which is a different orientation than the old paradigm, which has a lot of that, oh, am I doing it right? Are you going to be okay? What am I missing? It's really focusing more on what. What's already there, and then trusting and having a lot of faith in the human unfolding, which I have a ton of faith in. And really, if you can even just find moments throughout the day to say, oh, look at you doing that, or, wow, you grew inside of my belly, and now you're doing this. That's incredible. Like, how can you not delight in that?

Totally. I have that almost every day.

That's crazy.

What. How were you inside of me and.

How you do all these things? Yeah, really, in a way, I'm trying to steer us away from the, you know, I think our culture from the moment you get pregnant is, oh, no, let's get that ultrasound to see if the baby's growing. There's a lot of what's wrong when there's infinitely more what's right.

Yes.

So how do we delight in, celebrate, Find pleasure in the very amazing natural unfolding of ourselves and the people around us, especially the little people, because it's completely miraculous.

Yeah, I love that too. And it's really honoring who the person is because I know, you know, as a new parent, there's definitely that. Am I doing it right?

Totally.

You know, because they're like, are you gonna scar your child forever doing the wrong thing?

Right.

So they get that's just relaxing more and allowing them to unfold.

Totally. And you won't be relaxed every moment. I get that. I'm not asking that of people. But if you can find just those micro moments, you know, if your child's sitting on the floor playing with blocks instead of thinking, oh, what should I be doing? Just kicking back and saying, wow, this is amazing. And just beaming them, even if you don't say a word, just beaming them with a little love and delight. I mean, there's nothing more potent, in my opinion. And, you know, let me give you a little background. So I grew up in a family where especially my grandmother, I just felt delighted in. I always felt there was never one moment, even when she was 101 years old, right before she passed away, where I didn't walk in the room and feel her delight in me. And so I feel like not only did that give me something, it gave me a sense of wow. I mean, something. I'm here, I get to be here, I get to feel this. But it also allows me to really delight in other people. And so to me, that's the greatest gift I think I've ever received. And so knowing that on a very biological, chemical, physiological level, I want everybody to feel that. I want every human, whatever age, but especially in the little years, because the more you get it then the more it just becomes a part of your makeup. I just think it's such potent, potent medicine for healthy human development.

Yeah, definitely. And so I love this delight. I love this word, talking about this. So I don't think most parents, and there's some people watching this, you know, we're interested in pleasure. But I feel like most parents, like delight and pleasure usually don't go together. You know, like, what about parents who are just like, delight? Like, I'm just trying to get by, right. Like, where do I find that Delight.

Right, right. And that's part of, the, part of the issue is that it takes you being in a very human part of your brain, that's a very high level place. You know, if you're, if you're in your human brain. Yeah, delight, love, all the goodies. But if you're stressed, you're going to be in a lower part of your brain. You're going to be a more mammal brain or a more reptile brain. And when you're in those brains, it's harder to access that. So in my work with families, yes, I talk about parenting, but what I realized very early on in my work was that if I wasn't talking about self care and even partnership, then I was kind of missing the boat because all these other great things going to tell parents are harder to do and harder to access. If you're not putting the energy into yourself first. It's that old. Put the oxygen mask on and then help the little people. So that's the bigger question of all of this is okay, so if you want to feel more delight, if you want to access something that really is part of our human makeup, I think what do you have to do for you in order to really kind of. It's almost like being at the eye doctor where they're putting different lenses on you and sometimes it's, and sometimes it's blurry. I think depending on our brain state, which is dependent on how resourced we are. So if you're taking care of yourself, if you have even micro moments of taking a breath or checking in with your feelings or taking a run or just getting a little space and filling your little cup up, you're gonna have that lens click in. That has an easier time seeing what is working because it's all going on at the same time. There's lots working, there's lots not working. And it's really dependent on our brain state, what gets our full attention.

I love that. So if we are crabby, we are going to be looking for what's wrong.

Totally. I mean, our beliefs are going to kick in, telling ourselves crazy stories about what's not working and why that person's messing with us and why that doesn't feel good. But really it's not about trying to manipulate those beliefs or change those as much as tuning in and going, oh, I'm just off. I didn't get enough sleep last night. Which as a parent is often the case.

Yes.

So what do you do to really keep that delight and pleasure cup not even full? Because that's almost impossible. But even just, you know, putting little drips in throughout the day so that you can even access those micro moments of looking at your little person and going, oh, my gosh, look at you. Look at what you do in the world. Look at how we've helped you stay alive. That's amazing.

That's great. And then I love that too, because it reminds us to appreciate what we are doing, you know, because it's like sometimes you're like, oh, am I doing everything right? But then you're like, wow, I am. You are growing, you're thriving. Like I'm doing something right.

Totally, totally. And the truth is, and this is taking us on a little bit of a side tour, but your little people are going through so much massive growth. I mean, for a very long time, whether they're a toddler or a child or a teen, there's lots going on inside of them. So. So because of that, they're not always going to be even Steven. There's going to be a lot of emotional ups and downs. And what I try to communicate to parents is, you can't take that personally. That can't be the gauge of whether you get to experience pleasure or delight. It has to be your gauge so that you can be present enough to help them through the inevitable ups and downs of their development.

Right. And then also what you said, too, they're being resourced. Right. Like, or if we're feeling, like somewhat full, then we're able to. I know for me personally, when I'm not feeling full, that's when I might get a little irritated with my husband. Or that's when things start cracking.

Exactly. Right. And that should be the cue. It shouldn't be, what am I gonna change out there to make me feel better? It's what can I do for me right now so that that picture starts to change.

Right.

Which is the tricky thing to do.

Yeah, that takes. I would love for you to talk more about that because that's definitely. I mean, when you're in that state, Right. You're like, yeah, you're just doing it wrong.

Exactly.

Like, it's all about you. I totally. Fine. I don't care if I didn't get any sleep and I haven't eaten today or whatever. Like, you know, we don't think about how we're impacting it.

It's just them.

So how do we. How do we deal with that partnership? And how do we deal with that with our children if they're not cooperating? Like, how do we come Back to ourselves and check in. Do you have any recommendations or.

I think it's a practice and I think you need to be patient with yourself because I think most of us grew up during a time where the belief was, okay, I'll take care of you and then you can take care of me. And that actually is a system that doesn't often work very well because putting your well being on somebody else is never going to. You're never going to get what you really need. So the new way of thinking is, okay, so if I'm responsible for how I feel and I'm responsible for, you know, it doesn't mean you're not in relationship, but it's saying, if I'm feeling crabby and cranky because of what somebody else is doing to me, then I need to stop and ask myself, oh, what do you need? You're having a hard day. And I do this a lot. I pat my chest because it's like, it's a little bit. It's like, oh, I'm here for me. And it sounds a little trite, but it's that idea of me first. Because if I'm full, then there's inevitably more for everybody else. But if I'm looking for you to make me feel okay, we're all kind of screwed because it doesn't work that way.

Yeah, that's great. That's a great reminder for all of us parents.

Right. And so what I try to do, and I know it's not easy, but I really do try to give parents permission to make their care their self. Care their self. Pleasure, Love, juice tank their highest priority. Because in my experience, the people that are listening to a conference like this, they're not gonna abandon their kids and go off to, you know, Tahiti for a month.

Yeah.

But giving permission and being told it's not just good, but it's actually beneficial for your children to feel you full because then you have more delight. And the delight is what's going to help them feel secure and safe in who they are. That's how the system will work best.

Yeah, and one of the things that I've got from you too is like they, you know, you have your book calms with the babies, but that translates to our children as well. But that our nervous system, like how we're experiencing the world and what's going on with us is being translated to our children. Sometimes I think we don't think that, you know, like we want it to be like separate. You know, I can be upset and frustrated over Here, but it's not impacting you over here.

Right, but we all know, I mean, we all know that we feel how others are feeling way more than we hear what they're saying. And so that's our responsibility, which is a really tricky thing. And I'm not, I'm not saying, okay, everybody, go out and just make yourselves infinitely happy. Although I am saying that. But I want to say it's baby steps. It's just really, first and foremost, just deciding. And I think what you're doing by doing this is brilliant because it's saying, wait a minute, we get to feel good. Not only do we get to feel good, but we get to feel really good. And by feeling really good, everything else works way better. The partnering, the parenting, the career, the money, everything.

Yep.

So, you know, we could spend hours on this conversation because there's so many aspects and bits. But I guess what would be most useful is to give people little, like a tool right now. You know, like, let's talk about what are some things that you can do really practical, because like I said, it's likely that you're not going to get a massage every day or you might not even be getting a full night's sleep. So what are the things in the midst of early parenting or childhood parenting, children, whatever phase you're in, what are little things that you can do to be tending yourself? So I break it up into micro, which is something that takes 30 to 60 seconds. I mean, that small. So it's jumping up and down and waving your hands around and going woo woo.

Like you just don't care.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like you're just like anything kind of physical. Ah, yay. Parenting's hard. You know, just something just to bring a little presence back to yourself. It could be, you know, drinking a glass of water. It could be stepping outside and just taking a big breath of air. It could be naming five things that you're grateful for. We're alive. You know, I got five hours of sleep last night. I get to look at flowers in my yard. You know, whatever it is, it could be something so simple. But if you could just take that 30 seconds, you could flip it really quickly. Then I think about what takes, you know, five to 15 minutes. So put on some music and just dance your booty off. You know, you could do that while you're holding a little person and you're feeling all bunched up, throw the music on, grab your little person and just start shaking it. It's probably gonna shift you and change you into A different perspective. It could be, you know, having a mug that you love and putting a glass of hot tea. That really kind of slows you down and gets you a little more present. It could be calling a really good friend. It could be, you know, having flowers around and going and smelling them. You know, scent can really shift how our brain feels. And then the others are big stuff. So really, in asking this question, it might be, you know, I've known you since before your little one was born. So between that time and now, you've probably gone through all sorts of iterations of, of what's available to you self, care wise.

Yes.

So when you are pregnant, sure, you're gonna sleep, you're gonna rest, you're gonna have great meals, you're gonna be with your partner, you're gonna have great sex, all the good stuff, all the good stuff, everything. And then your little one comes. And for probably zero to six months, those things are not happening. So you had to find probably little things and little ways. And maybe instead of having great sex, it was having a nice long hug or having somebody you love really hear you and say, I get it, this is really challenging at times. And then zipping it and not trying to talk you out of it. Like even just that can really fill us up. Being hurt, it could have been a meditation practice and maybe instead of having 20 minutes, you got two minutes. But even just considering doing that is something. And now that he's older, you're probably getting a little more time to do the bigger things again.

Yes.

So how do you as a human, as Adam, how do we as a human adapt to the amount of time we have, but always keep filling our own cup and feeling pleasure in the forefront, knowing how important that is to everybody around us.

I love that too, because honoring. Because there's certain times where you. I love that you said that you have 30 seconds, 15 minutes or an hour, and then each phase of your child's development, it's going to be different. Because I know when I was in the throes of the early, I'm like, oh my gosh, it's never gonna change, right?

You think it's over? You think your life is completely gone as now. How old is he?

He's now ten and a half months. And it's like a totally different experience, you know, And I know people watching this will be like, oh, yeah, definitely. Wait till they get to 5, 10, 15, 20, you know, and it's like just trusting in the process. I love too. It's all good and what can we do right now, today, in this moment?

Right. And you know, I want to come back to the point I made earlier, which is it's not a luxury, it's not just a nice thing to do. It's fully a necessity, both because you're just going to feel better, but a, you know, but also you're modeling that for your children. I mean, they're learning all the different languages you're speaking. Whether it's a verbal language or an emotional language or a self care language, they're learning that from you. So if you want people to grow up thinking, oh, I take care of me and that brings so much energy into me so I can take care of other people, cool, I'm going to do that too. That's a brilliant message to receive as a little person and get wired into your brain. But the other very simply and very deeply is it's just more fun to be around a parent who feels good. Head button. But a parent especially, it's not a child's job to make their parent feel good at all. We don't want that. The way it works best is when a parent is doing what they can to take really good care of themselves so that the nurturing and the care and the relationship gets infused with. I'm really glad that we get to be together.

That's so great.

Yeah, go ahead.

No, I was just gonna say there was a. Just recently I was reading some sort of research and they asked kids, like, what do you most wish from your parents or something, you know, and it was like, you could have more time, you could go more video games or whatever it is, whatever they wanted and they wanted their parents to be less stressed.

Thank you. Yes. I want to see that study. That's brilliant. And that makes 100% sense to me. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I know it from my own life as an adult. I like being around people who are really good at taking care of themselves. Even I get less time with them. I love people that are taking full responsibility for their care and their joy and their bliss and we just have our fun time together. And then when they're going off and I'm going off to do our things and then we come back and we talk about our great times. There's nothing better to me than that. Yeah.

Amen.

And I think that there's, you know, in the more recent years, with an understanding of how the brain develops and an understanding of the importance of the early years, I think the pendulum has swung toward I need to be there and I need to be with my kids. And I value that and I appreciate it. But I don't think we can forget about how tuned in those little people are to our state of being and that the state of being is speaking much louder than the physical care. And if we can get a balance between the physical care and how we're feeling, which might mean a little less time with them, and they'll be with other people who love them, ideally. But really remembering that if I can go fill up and come back and really look at my child and they see my eyes get excited and they see my smile genuinely being there, that's what feels good to them. That's what feels safe.

Yeah, that's great. And it's like, good enough, or it's like, better than good enough. But it's. It's just really, what are the ways that you can do and just trusting whatever your way of. I love what you're really great at doing of supporting families, like, what works for your family, what works for you. Because your best friend is with her child 24 7, and she loves it.

Right.

And you want to be with your child and go back to work. Doesn't mean you're bad parents.

Right. How do you dial in the recipe? And it might mean experimenting always. It might mean that this month, it's this. This month, it's that it's probably not a constant, but just dialing in and saying, more joy, less joy, more pleasure, less pleasure. And really being honest with yourself and saying, okay, well, we do best when I'm doing some of my work and we're spending this much time together and I'm having some help, whether it's partner or caregivers or neighbor kid, where we're finding the sweet spot that works for all of us. And it's being really honest with yourself and that word experimenting, that it might take a few iterations. It might take going and trying eight hours a day and going, no, no, that's too much for all of us. And then swinging it to four or saying, okay, well, when I take two afternoons and we have all of our mornings together, that really works. Like, I don't know what the recipe is. That has to be figured out from. From with the family. But I really want to give people permission to try things.

Yeah, I love that. And just I've done coaching with Kerri on sleep for our little one, and I love that experimentation, and I love that of being willing to experiment, because I think so many times we get a fixed mindset that it's Fixed. And this is how you've got to do it. And this book told me to do it this way and I'm gonna do it this way rather than. And it's still a challenge for me just to open up, be like, what if we did things differently?

Right. I know it's a big challenge. And yet what a great example for your children.

Yes, I know. Right?

Yes, yes.

So how do we open up to experiment more and just like be willing to make mistakes? Because I think a lot of times we as parents are fearful that if we experiment, we might make a mistake. So just don't do anything different.

Right, Right. And I think that's it is becoming comfortable with making mistakes. I was. This is a good example with that. My. It's around the bend, but it's relevant. So I have a year long program called Evolve where I support families all over the world in this community of parenting, partnership, prosperity and personhood. And one of the. There was a great thread on our group list this week where a mom was saying, how do you balance letting your children be who they are and then nudging them toward things that you know will bring more goodness and more joy to their lives? So the example was a little kid who didn't feel comfortable learning how to ride his bike. And so one of the dads chimed in and said, My 8 year old was in a similar situation and he was getting really frustrated because he knew his friends could do it and he was missing out on some fun stuff, but yet he was really scared. And so what this dad did was he said, okay, we're not going to worry about riding the bike. We're going to learn how to fall. So they went on the backyard on the grass and they made a big funny show of falling. And he learned how to fall and realized it wasn't the worst thing in the world. And he was okay. And then 15 minutes later, he was riding his bike. Wow. And so I love that as just the metaphor of what if we actually made the failing the goal? Like, what if we, you know, the experiment was, let's see how really badly we can mess this up.

Right.

And then go forward from there.

That's so great. And it's even like the failing for kids. I watch my son and it's like, I have my ideas of what failing is, but then I watch him and he purposely goes over things and tries to be challenged and he's not like, oh, I'm a failure. He's like, that was interesting, right?

Now I know to do that or not to do that, but. And I mean, you know, I mean, it's. You're at the perfect stage where he's probably pulling up and just getting ready to walk or starting to walk. And no little kid starts to walk and then goes, oh, I'm never gonna be able to do this.

Right?

They just keep doing it, and they do it with tenacity, and they do it with zest. And yes, it's frustrating, and, yes, they get overwhelmed, and sometimes they melt down because it's too much. But for the most part, nothing in their belief system is saying it's wrong to fail. So that's the question is, how can you learn from that for ourselves and then also make a lot of space around their experience of it so we don't muck that up and make something. You know, I think the challenge for parenting sometimes can be the. The challenge can be how you, you know, making the success or making the doing something more valuable than the process of process, you know? So it's like, oh, you're crawling. Oh, now you're gonna walk. It's like, no, let's celebrate crawling for a while. You're gonna walk. I know you're gonna walk. Yeah, let's be in the crawling. Let's see that. Like, you got from being a person who couldn't do anything for yourself, and now you can move your body. That's amazing.

Yeah, I love. That's great, because it brings us back to, like, whatever our kids are doing now. I've noticed that in parenting, it's always like, you know, they walking yet? Are they talking yet? And it's like, no, he's just doing what he's doing, and it's flipping awesome.

I know. It's completely awesome. It's beyond awesome. It's astounding that they can do that. So why. So, you know, I think that's what you're doing. I think without even knowing it, just this conversation is bringing more of the focus onto the what's working, what's amazing. Look at how beautiful our world is. Look at all the goodies we get to have. Look at how, you know, how astounding human development is, and then, you know, backing that up into, oh, and when you're little, that's your whole existence is the wonder of the world and your development and the learning and all the cool goodies that we get to do.

Yes. So what I'm curious on supporting our child and our children to really, like, have their essence be expressed in their own authentic way, and then the reality of People, families. So there's this person being expressed and then cooperation within the family unit.

Yeah.

Variety of different needs. So how do people navigate that with.

Such a big question? And it's a great question. So, okay, this is, I love this, I love this question. Okay, so first and foremost, I mean, I mean this, you have to be taking care of yourself so that yourself so that your cup is relatively not cracked and empty. Again, I'm not saying full, that would be ideal, but I know that's not always possible. But that has to be first and foremost because some of the stuff that the little people do that are just part of being a little person and their natural development of climbing and throwing and hitting and kicking and doing all the cool things that humans have to do to become who they are. When you're low resource, those things are gonna bug you a whole lot more than when you're more resourced. Okay, so then there's human development and there's things that babyhood is normal to babyhood and there's things that are normal to toddlerhood and there's things that are normal to preschoolhood. And what you need to understand is in the system of growing as a human, yes, you want to explore and you want to do all these great things, but you also are on some level needing the more resourced and regulated adult nervous system to keep the boundaries and keep you moving toward what's appropriate for our particular family and culture. So with that said, how do you find it's a paradox. You want to support the natural innate well being and exploration and development of that person. But recognizing that you staying relatively regulated can sometimes trump their innate needs to try new things. Because if your nervous system is saying, ah, you're climbing too high, I'm not comfortable with that. While their nervous system and their beingness is saying, no, I want to get as high as I can. I'm here to climb. I have a lot of climbing to do in this life and I need to do, I need to practice it. It's okay to say, sweetheart, you are amazing at climbing and I know you love it. And right now I'm getting a little crazy because I'm a little nervous. That's mine. But I'm going to help you down so we can stay balanced right now. And that person is going to have ah, I don't like you doing that. And they might freak out and have the impression, but you staying regulated and balanced and having your nervous system communicating that relative steadiness to that little person is more useful to them. In this phase of development than them getting the thing they want and feeling a wobbly or a freaking out nervous system from their parent.

Interesting. I like that.

You do make sense.

Totally makes sense. And me personally, I've experienced this where I'm like, okay, I need to be doing this. I need to go to the bathroom or whatever. You know, whatever it is, I'm gonna put you in here, this safe spot while I go do something.

Right.

Not loving it. You know, it's not. He's not thrilled about it. And I'm like, I understand it, you know, but there's every part of me. I hear him cry and, like, protest. I'm like, I need to do something right, you know, Like, I need to fix it.

Night.

He can never, ever cry or, you know, my child can never struggle or never be upset. And I know that's a big thing for parents of all ages.

All ages. And I'm here to say it's actually better for them in their development to hold a boundary and to say, no, but stay steady and connected to the child in the midst of whatever they're feeling than to be wiggly because you don't want them to be upset. But ultimately, your nervous system and your words are saying something that don't really feel safe and safe and really secure for them to grow from.

Interesting. So we have to be. I mean, it goes back to being centered in resource and connected to ourselves.

Why? That's always first. I can't even talk about this stuff without saying that first, because, yeah, you can't access that kind of boundary clarity. Where. Where do I stay present? Where do I get wobbly? Where am I? A little bit on the edge. Unless you've been a little bit tuned into yourself. And it's way easier to tune into yourself when you've had your water and you've had good food and you've had some rest and you've taken a moment to just go, oh, my shoulders are really tight. And even just saying that out loud, shoulders are gonna relax, you know, I mean, I'm inspired. Well, I don't know if I'm spiring. I'm attempting to give people permission to really become more tuned into themselves as a benefit to everyone around them, especially their growing children.

Right.

Because it's a lot to be in that little body and have to grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. So you don't want somebody who's not steady around you. You want somebody who you feel is really grounded in there and present to themselves even before they're present to You.

Right. And I love that, too, what you said, that we're modeling.

Totally.

They see how. How. How are adults? Like, what do big people do?

Yeah, yeah.

So we're always teaching. Always.

And, you know, I mean, the metaphor that I use a lot of metaphor. The metaphor that comes to mind right now is if you were. You know, I'm imagining, like, the Amazon and those crazy wooden rope bridges that are always shaky. I'm imagining that if somebody was guiding me across that bridge, I would want them to be centered and relatively calm and trusting of the steps they're taking while they're guiding me, not wondering if I'm okay, but totally discombobulated in their own body.

Right. And then also triumphs. What I'm hearing, too, is that it triumphs like doing everything, like giving your kid the perfect food, the perfect education, the perfect. All those things that we try to set up for our children, you know? Not that those aren't important things.

No, of course. But really, what's the framework around them? Is it out of fear of doing it wrong, or is it out of. Okay, well, I'm gonna guide us because I'm in the bigger body right now, but I'm also gonna tune into who you really are because you might have a whole thing to do here that isn't about my agenda. Yeah. So, you know, you might say, I really want my child to go to this school. And that might be the perfect education for that particular person, but you might get there, and they might not thrive. And it might not be about the school. It might be that that's just not the way they're here to learn. I mean, I think we have to be wide open to who's coming these days and that, you know, our belief of this is what childhood should look like, this is what humanhood should look like. I don't think that's gonna apply all the time. So how do you. Again, it all comes back to you. The more you can know yourself, the more you're taking the time to fill you and keep yourself happy, the more clearly you're gonna see these people are and what they're gonna need from you. So I'm a big fan of needing the moment and certainly having some plans and having a vision, but also being wide open to going, oh, and you might actually do best in a Montessori school, or you might do really well homeschooling, or you might be perfect for public school. I don't know. We have to wait and see. And if one is an option and others aren't an option, then we're gonna adjust to that. But we're not gonna blindly just say, go do what I think you should do because I know what's best. We don't, we can't. That's not the new paradigm. Yeah, the new paradigm is that everybody knows what they're here to do and what their life should look like. And the parents role is to support that as best as possible. However, the other cool thing is that the resistance that you get from your parents in early life, that's a benefit too. So there's the support, but there's also the resistance. Because there's lots of things that happen in my life that without the, you know, the resistance, I wouldn't have had the same zeal or I wouldn't have had the same passion for it. And so the resistance of, no, you can't do that right now. Oh yeah, I can. Maybe I'm not doing it right this second, but I'm going to do it in 10 years. It charges it. The resistance can create a rubber band. So the goal isn't to give your kid the perfect experience because you don't know what that is for them. It's to be in connection and relationship and to try things, experiment. Be as great about modeling good living as you can have several values that you want to impart and really live them. Then also be completely okay with making tons of mistakes and telling them, wow, I really blew that. Here's how I wish I had done it. And then recognizing that there's no perfect parent, there's no perfect experience, you don't want to give your kid that. You want to give them things to push against so they can really figure out what works for them.

Yeah. That's so great. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Takes you off the hook.

I know, it's so like relaxing. I just, you know, it's very. And there's like you said, there's snow moments where you're, you're in it and. Yeah, we're in it all. You know, we're dynamic. Human beings are always flowing and changing. But it's, it's really beautiful. And you have. I'm assuming you remember this, but I remember in optimal parenting, I interview you and you had four questions for your child. Can you share those again? Because I think they're so great.

Yeah. So I tell people when they're either pregnant or their babies have just been born or any age really. And I'm actually. That's funny. I was going to put this in a newsletter soon. It's the four questions are. So when the person arrives, the questions are, who are you? And this is a baby in my arms. I'm pretending. Who are you? Who are you? What are you here for? What do you need and how can we help you? And those are the questions. Who are you? What are you here for? What do you need and how can we help you? And I feel. I mean, are you asking your little guy that?

I do. Yeah. And it's great. And it's amazing just to. Because it takes it off of me. And I find that there's interesting with parenting is we have perfectionist tendencies. And then we have, like, our children are representations of us. You know, if our. If our child's not doing it, if our child's perfectly behaving, then it's like, yay, I'm a great parent. My child's crying. I'm like, oh, I'm not exactly. So I love this because it's like, it's not about me. No, it just. I'm doing the best I can. So, like, who are you and how do I support you? So I love it.

Yes. Yes. And I mean, if you think about your partnership, you wouldn't want your partner being upset that you're upset because it's a bad reflection on his partnering.

Yes.

No way. You would want him living his life, staying steady and just going, wow, you're having a hard time. I really get it. How can I help you? So why would a child. I mean, and again, I don't even like these words. Why would a person who's in a little growing body want anything else? You know, that's my goal, is I want to get rid of the word child. I want to get rid of the word parenting. I know that sounds crazy idea of. Okay, how do we really remember that you have a person in a little growing body right now who's going to be an adult in adulthood someday blowing your mind. And what do you need to help them with now so that they get to be who they are here to be while you're fostering this beautiful, connected relationship with them. And, you know, I say all this not because it's a dream in my head, because I see it all the time. I mean, I have worked with families from the time I was young, and so I've watched people grow for a very long time. And I know young adults who have been cared for this way, and it works. You know, they're. They are. They're in very healthy relationships with their family. Very healthy. And they know who that, you know, they're. They're solid. They're. They're living the life they're here to live. They're not worried whether they're okay or not okay for the people around them.

Yep.

They get that they're okay. And they struggle at times just like everybody, but they know if I'm not feeling great, I can go back there, and those people are gonna get. Get me. They're gonna support me and they're gonna guide me. Yeah. And what could be better than that?

Yeah. Beautiful. I love that.

Just that.

That partnership, you know, Because I think we can forget that as we're parenting young children and then even. Even teenagers, you know, that. That we are gonna be with these little people and they're gonna be adults for a long time. And we're developing the partnership now that how will we interact with them when they're 50?

That's it. Yeah. I tell. People get about 15 years when they're in childhood, and then you have somewhere between 40 to 60 years as adults together. So you now. How do you respect them? How do you treat them with, you know, all the good things you would hope you would get later in the early, early, early years. And it. It works. It's just a lot of it is making sure you're not losing sight of you.

Yeah. In the midst of it, definitely. So you also have slow. Slow family, slow living. So slow. What is it?

Slow family living.

Can you talk about that, too? Because I love that concept and that idea, and I feel like it really helps us stay resourced when we're doing those. So can you just talk about that philosophy? Sure.

I'll give you the quick and dirty. So my good friend Bernadette Noel, she and I were teaching some classes together with moms of newborns. And we were sitting around the circle and, you know, things like, oh, am I doing this right? And what classes should I be doing? I mean, these were babies between 0 and 4 months. So these were tiny little people. And their moms were already anxious, wondering, am I doing enough? Am I doing enough? Am I doing enough? And she and I looked at each other, and she said, oh, my goodness, we need a slow family movement. You know, there's slow food, which means, like, be more conscious about how you're eating and what you're eating and where it's coming from. And we were joking. What if there was a slow family movement? And so we kind of got excited and started talking about it, and we sat down one day and we just. This manifesto just bubbled out of us. And it still stands and we love it. And it's on the website, Slow Family Living. But the main point is that, you know, we feel like family life is getting hijacked by the culture, specifically about. By, you know, consumerism and advertising. You need this or you're not going to be enough. You need that or you're not going to be enough. Are you sure you're on top of this? Do more sports, do more of this. And nobody was actually asking themselves, is this what we want? I mean, people are. We wanted more of that. So we basically started this movement called Slow Family Living. And she's since written a book called slow family 75 ways to slow Down, Connect and Enjoy Life More, I think is the tagline. But that's basically our tagline is we don't care. We don't know what your slow is. Slow isn't doing no activity. Slow isn't doing it because it's a prescription to us. Slow is what brings more connection, what brings more joy, pleasure, and what brings a feeling of this is right for us. And so we've been out talking about this and it's really as simple as slow down, connect, enjoy. And so the work I do with parents really stems from that, that if you are trying to get out of the house, you're going to get out a lot quicker. If you slow yourself down and go over to the little person, look them in the eye and connect. Hey, you're playing blocks. That looks awesome. And you know what? We have to hop like bunnies out to the car. There's the Enjoy. If you can make it playful, especially little ones, that energy is going to inspire and move them more than. Ugh, we gotta go. Why are we always late? So, you know, it's again, back to pleasure, that us feeling good, us feeling joyful, us feeling full is going to speak louder and inspire way more than any sort of being gruff and wishing everybody was different and wishing everybody would listen to us.

Yeah.

And so back to the beginning, which is what are you doing for yourself to make sure you're taking care of that. So the four questions apply to us. Who am I? What am I here for? What do I need? How can I help Me? Yeah. Always, always asking the questions, is this working? What do I need? What am I here for?

Yeah.

It's different for everybody. Yeah.

And then giving us giving people permission to really craft their own.

Yes.

Their own ideal.

Everything.

Yeah, everything.

Everything. Life, ideals, values, everything. There's no prescription. We're all different. We're all here For a different thing. So what do you value? What do you love? What makes your heart sing? I love this concept that it's so cliche at this point, but that follow your bliss. I have a very personal and professional sense that that really does get us where we need to go. And I get in family life that there could be lots of blisses that are bumping up against each other. So I do believe that in the early years, the guides, the regulators, the parents, the people who are leading the little people need to make theirs a little bit of a priority. But then you have to be honoring and finding time to let the little ones lead the show once in a while, too. So, you know, when you're relaxed, when you feel good, you're happy to let him. You know, you're happy to be wandering around, letting him point at all the things he sees. When you're feeling rushed or you're feeling tired, it's a little harder to do, definitely.

And I love that, too. And maybe this doesn't resonate with everyone, but I love the slow family living because I go at a very slow pace. Like, I just, like. I don't like a lot of stuff in my calendar. I just want to chill and enjoy. And I still create and I'm in the world, but. But I get stressed out and overwhelmed, and my nervous system's, like, buzzing.

Yeah, it doesn't work. It doesn't work. And it's. You know, I mean, I had a grad, a teacher in grad school who said, if you want to speed up, slow down. And what I've noticed in my own life is that the slower I go, the more space there is for the bubbling of the creative ideas, and the more I can tune into who I need to connect with. And the dots just seem to keep. You know, I don't think I'm getting anywhere slower. If anything, I'm probably getting where I want to go faster. But that's a mindset, and I have to catch myself a lot because I can start revving and I can start thinking, oh, I got to do, do, do, do, do. But really, the goodies are in the doing. And then the being. The doing and the being.

Yeah. And then the. You know, the idea of pleasure, which has come over numerous times in this conference, is pleasure loves slow.

Right. Savoring. How do you savor? I mean, the question is, where are we going? Where are we all going? What is the rush?

Totally.

Really, if we stop and be right here, we have everything. And so how do we remember that for Ourselves, how do we be it for our little people? Because they're already doing it. We're the ones pushing them around.

Absolutely.

If we went at that pace, they would be thrilled. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. But every once in a while, if you can just stop and go, you know what? Yeah, I do need to make dinner. But laying out here on this blanket and letting my little person crawl around on me and the yard, that's fine. We'll have cereal tonight.

Yes.

Who cares?

Yes.

You know, it's just being that flexible to notice what's important right now, what do I need right now? What's going to bring more joy, more connection, more fun, more pleasure, and then realizing, oh, that's the, that's the guiding. That's the beacon. The pleasure is the beacon, not the getting somewhere quicker.

Yeah, I love that, like finding that joy in the moment. Because I know, I know I'm not the only one, parents wise, that you're like your kids just playing and, you know, doing their thing and you're like, I got like 500 things I gotta do. Let's go now.

Yeah.

So it's great. Like, I love that too. I've been asking myself that and I think it's a great. Like you said, it's a practice of like, what's most important. Like, really, what do I need to get done today? I mean, really do, you know, do I need to do all of these things?

There's always gonna be more. There's always gonna be emails, there's always gonna be laundry. There's always gonna be dishes. Yeah. Yes. Always gonna fall. So A, how do we decide what's needed in that moment? And B, how do you make the have to's more pleasurable? So, you know, yes, you're gonna have to fold laundry. Somebody's gonna have to fold the laundry. If you're the one folding the laundry, how do you, you know, pop it on the bed, either be with your little people and throw the socks around and have them try to match them up, bury them with the towels, and then fold one every once in a while and make that silly and fun. Or, you know, if you have to get the laundry done and everybody's asleep, put on a show and enjoy a series that you like. Or put the headphone on and call a friend. Or if you, you know, if, you know, you have to feed people, how can you make the meal more pleasurable? How can you savor what you're eating? How can you slow down enough to really taste the food and Go. Holy moly. Look at us eating this delicious food. How amazingly lucky are we? So maybe it's gratitude while you're cooking or while you're eating. You know, how can you do the have to's in a way that really brings more joy and life and light? Because there's a lot of things in family life that are mundane.

Yes.

Painfully mundane. Painfully mundane. And that could either take you down or you can go, wow, look at me having to do these things again. How can I make it silly this time? Make it deeper this time? Or how can I be more present with it this time? Like, experiment, Use it, play with it. How do you play with all of it so that you're feeling that juice of being alive bubbling in you.

And I love that too, because there's no rules. We have rules of this, how you have to fold laundry.

Right.

This is how you have to do dishes, you know, And a lot of times, it's the energy that goes with those things is drudgery.

Right.

You know, I love this. I've been experimented with this too, you know, because, like, parenting, it's. It's different than my life was before without.

Yeah.

So it's like, okay, great. Yes, we're doing this again today. Like, how can you do something different than being willing to think out of the box? And it's that willingness to experiment that you were talking about earlier of like, okay, great. I'm not looking like an idiot dancing around and I dance in front of my son, and he looks at me like, what is she doing?

Right. But how fun is that? He's just gonna think people dance around while they do laundry. I mean, that's the thing. If you want a kid who does chores, you gotta do them for quite a few years in a joyful way where they just think, how fun is it that I get to do the dishes?

Yes, that's exactly what we're doing. All of our chores. Bryant and my husband, you know, we gotta make this, like, really fun so that we're not like, oh, I have to do the dishes.

Okay, now do that thing we don't like. Yeah, I know.

That doesn't make any sense. They're like, I've watched you for years. Hate doing that. Why do I need to do it now?

Right? Amazing, right?

Yeah, totally.

Right? So if you just do it and you let him do it at the pace he can do it, and you include him with joy, it just becomes what you do.

Yeah.

It's like, oh, yay. We get to set the table together. And we sing that hilarious song when we do it.

Yeah.

And then the table's set.

That's so great. I love it. It's so. I love that you just bring, like, fun to it. You know, that there is that we can have fun.

Yeah. It's way better. Everybody gets a lot more out of it if you have fun. You know, that's one of my, like, hopefully gifts to the world is permission to have more fun.

Yes.

Like, I've created a life where I have fun all the time because why wouldn't we? But I get that that's not how everybody's brain works. So if I can just inspire people to bring a little more fun and a little more silliness and a little more play, not only does it feel better, but everything moves a lot smoother. It just does. I know that as a fact. I work with lots of families and they resist sometimes because it's like, well, no, it has to be serious and we gotta get it done. And I don't want my kid thinking every time we brush their teeth, it's gonn fun and silly. It's like, well, they won't think that, but if you do it once in a while, they'll really get with the program in a different way than if you never do it.

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So cool.

Yay.

So anything else that we need to know as parents that comes to mind for. I mean, you've already shared.

I think we covered it. Slow down, connect, enjoy. You know, that kind of covers it. It's like, make sure you make your self care super high priority. Don't lose pleasure in your life just because you have a family. It should be higher because you have more people to feed your energy to. So you need more.

Yes.

Don't lose sight of the goofy, silly reason you got into this in the first place, which is the love between you and your partner. That's a whole other talk. We could do another conference on that alone.

Absolutely.

And then, you know, just reminding everybody to delight, delight, delight, delight in those little people as they're growing. Because there's going to be wacky, crazy things that they do that are going to make you question what you're doing. But I guarantee you that if you can just stay steady, appreciate, guide, model, you're going to, they're going to get. They need to go. And so, you know, just as a little plug, like I said, I do a year long. Like I have a year. I have a lot more than that, but I have a whole year of this. Like, I love this. And I want to help people wire their brains so that they really, truly get this. It's not just a thought, it's a being.

Yeah.

So I take people through a whole year. It's a phenomenal community of people. So if you're interested, get in touch. I have a website. It's cariconti.com. there's probably a link on the site and I would love to offer you guys. I have a free gift, five simple steps to a more peaceful family life. So if you email me through my website, can you put a link maybe to my email? I'll send you guys that ebook and a little information about all the different ways that I can support you.

Very cool.

Yay. This was fun.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for your enthusiasm every week. That's awesome. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate it. And lots and lots of love and gratitude.

Yes. You are delightful.

You are delightful.

Thank you, darling.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Mama Goddess. Sending you lots of love and blessings. If you'd like to connect more, go to mamagoddess.com until next time. Keep rocking it and have an awesome day.