Love Your Life Today with Carrie Contey, Ph.D.

Welcome to Mama Goddess. I'm your host, Alexandra J. Johnson. This podcast is all about rocking your goddess life, creating vibrant health and celebrating motherhood and family life. It's about living an authentically awesome life. Let's have some fun. Hello and welcome. I'm Alexandra J. Johnson, and today we have an extraordinary guest and one of my mentors and dear friends, and I just love her. So let me give you a little scoop on her. She co founded the SLO family living movement and her scholarly hands on research gave birth to calms and what babies want. And she earned her PhD in clinical psychology with a specialty in prenatal and perinatal psychology. And she has like so many degrees. She is officially smart and she also has taught lots of classes at our academy and also did a conference with us called your extraordinary family life. And I just, I love her. So welcome.

I'm so happy to be here. It's so good to be with you again.

Yes, I love. You know, I was thinking about it as I was preparing. I just think of you and I just feel good.

That's so sweet. Wow, that's nice. What a nice way to be thought of.

I know. It's true, though. You just have such a infectious enthusiasm and just good person.

I love life. I love life. I love my life. So there's nothing else to do but be effusive? No. Yeah, it's pretty fun.

Okay, so let's, let's start off with that. Loving life. Yeah, like, how do you love your life?

I. Well, how do I love my life?

Or like, what are your tips for loving your life? Like, how did you get to the place where you're like, my life flipping rocks?

Yeah. No, this is a good story. So I grew up. So I have this PhD in a field called prenatal and perinatal psychology. I literally grew up thinking I'm gonna be a mom and I'm gonna, you know, have a partner and we're gonna have lots of kids. And that's not how my path unfolded. So I got into my 20s and my 30s and now my 40s, and that's not what happened. And, you know, I thought, well, I love children. Why wouldn't that happen? But it's not what happened. And probably in my mid to late 30s, I realized, okay, that's not what's happening. And, wow, this is my path. This is the life I'm getting to live. And it makes perfect sense now. It didn't for a little while, but now it's like, I'm free and I can travel and I can be nimble, and I can support a whole community of people who are parenting. And I'm rested. I tell people I have a well rested parenting brain. I can troubleshoot with people like nobody's business. So. So mainly, I am doing what I love. I get to do what I love every single day. I live in a beautiful place, and I make a crazy habit of appreciating. And, I mean, I'm on this jag right now. I committed to the month of August, 100 appreciations a day. And so I get up and I get on my computer, and I just start knocking them out and keeping myself resonating, vibrating at that kind of level of, this is what's working. This is why life is amazing, is transformational. I mean, I don't know how to say it. It's really bringing a different level of quality to my experience because I'm looking for it. I'm actively looking for it. And I thought, oh, that's a lot. I wonder how that'll go.

And.

And a lot of times I do them in the morning just to make sure I cross it off my list. But then at night, I'm like, ooh, I want to do more. And so you just start getting in this rhythm of like, there's the sky, there's the grass, there's that friend I was with. There's. And then it just takes on a life of its own. And so I think that it's just a conscious choice to love the life I'm living.

Because you could easily, as we all could, right, look for the things that are not going awesome or not the things that we would love, right?

I mean, I think that's sort of a normal thing in our culture, is like, okay, that's all good, but I'm focusing on the sliver or the piece. That's not just how I want it to be. And I'm just doing the experiment of, okay, what if I focus on everything else and let that be what emerges? And it's really extraordinary. It's amazing.

Okay, so then I'm curious because we all do this. You think, well, if I'm over here appreciating the sky and the stars and my beautiful house and my husband or my whatever it is that you're appreciating. But then I have this little area over here that I'm not loving, if I don't do something about that, there's like this urge that we have to focus on it. So what have you found? What happens to those Little areas. I mean, because you don't want to ignore.

Right.

So talk to us about that.

Well, I subscribe to the philosophy that what you appreciate, appreciates. So if I'm appreciating things I want more of, I get more of that. And if I appreciate the things I want less of, I get more of that. So I'm just. Again, I run experiments, and the experiment is I'm going to let that go and see what unfolds. If I give it space, give it time, and give my energy to the things that are working. And time and time again, I'm just amazed at the fact that I would write about something I wanted, let it go, forget about it, and then pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And really, the more joy I allow in my life, the more I start to see those things resolve themselves or they fall away. And I realize, oh, I didn't even want that. I thought I wanted that, and I made a thing of it. But, no, I'm good. Everything's kind of rocking and rolling and it's not. And then whatever, pops. It kind of comes in at the level that I've been living. So, yeah, it's a funny thing because I think we've been led to believe that you better pay attention to the stuff that you want more of. But on some level, if you put energy toward it, it's actually better to let go and let it emerge the way it emerges than to stay on it.

So I love. I love that. And I love the. What you said, you kind of planted as, like, set it over here, like, oh, I like this. And then you go on with the joy, and then it just. It resolves itself. I love that because we can get so myopic of, like, I must figure this out today or tomorrow. And if I don't figure it out, then my life is gonna suck forever.

Totally, or I'm never gonna have it. And really, if you live long enough, you realize that everything you put out there eventually does come. And we don't get to control the timing and the journey toward. I mean, so cliche, but the journey toward it is what we're really after. But really, when you realize. And I. You know, I've learned this from all sorts of places and teachers that the thing I think I want is because I believe it's going to bring more joy. So if I cut out the middleman and just go for the joy, I win either way, whether it shows up or I'm just really practicing this mindset of joy.

Okay, so I'm curious Because as you were stating earlier, your life doesn't exactly look how you thought it was going to look like. So do you feel like if you just follow your joy, you just do, just stay in the vibration of joy, that your path will unfold totally and.

It'S gonna be great? I have full, full confidence in that now. I didn't always. I wasn't always trusting that. But over the last couple of years, I've really embraced it and practiced it. And now that I've had enough experience, I'm like, yeah, why would I do anything else? I mean, it's so much fun and it's so much more efficient than worrying about stuff, which inevitably it's going to come anyway. So why would I have spent that time over there when I could have just been appreciating all the goodies that are right in front of me and then be excited when that shows up or doesn't and something else wonderful shows up?

Okay. So then it comes up for me around parenting and motherhood, because I think that there's. When you become a new parent and not even a new. Just having children, that there's. There's so many different areas. You have your career, or maybe you don't have your career, whatever it is, but there's this feeling that you don't have enough time and you're like not getting ahead in one area or you're falling behind or you're not actually doing anything with your life. Talk to. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Yeah. I think that our culture somehow, you know, that's a bit of a con. It's a construct because a lot of our culture says you can do it all, you can do everything, like you can have it all. And I feel like we need to be thinking a little more in segments that you're just in a phase of life where your son is little and you're going to be doing the other things. But that's sort of your commitment is your primary commitment is I'm going to be with this little person while he's unfolding in this early phase of development and, and embrace that. And at the same time do a little of riding the both rails so that you get the satisfaction of the work you love or the hobby that you love. But I think there's a lot of self talk around. Okay, this is the phase of life we're in, and you've heard me talk ad nauseam about self care, that a lot of times, if you've done a little bit of exercise or if you have a meditation practice or, you know, you've listened to some of these conferences, you're filling your cup. So you're going to resonate in a part of your brain that's much more reasonable and human and present moment. But as soon as you start getting depleted, you start slipping to a more primitive part of your brain, your mammal or your reptile brain. And then all the gremlin thoughts come up and inevitably you're saying, I'm not doing enough, I'm not experiencing enough, I'm not getting enough time. And so that, that should not be a cue to do more, it should actually be a cue to do less and to get a little something in you before you do anything else.

Yeah, I love that. That's great.

And we need that reminder every single day.

Totally. Because there is, I mean, I think there's, in our culture there's the tendency for most people to get burnt out and especially parents to get especially burnt out. And it's just, I know for me there's the feeling of, oh my gosh, like I just need to step back, like I need to step back from all of it, like email. And it's like, okay, you know what? Today is taking care of my son and I'm gonna nap and I'm gonna meditate and that's it. That's, that's it. And I'm gonna do my best to get my butt into bed like by eight. Yeah, that's it. But it's like, and then like you said, you get to that place where you're filled up, but it takes like something for us to actually do that. Right. I mean, do you find that people in your practice, like parents are just like, I know I should be doing self care, but I'm not.

Yeah. Or I mean, I met with somebody today, she's a three and a half and a one and a half year old. And I asked her the question, how do you nourish yourself? How do you fill up when you're depleted? And she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. She didn't even, she's like, I don't know, I don't know. And so that's where it all starts really. You know, whether it's your parenting or your partnering or your work, if you're not taking care of you, whether it's micro little fill ups, like deep breaths or retreats, whatever it is, if you're not putting you first, the energy is getting sucked out of you. So you're going to get Depleted, it's inevitable. So it's just this constant practice of little micro, medium and large ways of remembering where you are and putting energy in.

Do you think that the people, I mean, not taking the time for the self care. Do you like, does that tie into self worth at all or that you're worth it or you're deserving of it or not?

I think a couple things, I think one is just our cultural legacy is that it wasn't modeled. So it's like saying, hey you guys, we've been speaking regular English, now we're gonna speak modern English. And you're like, I don't even know what modern English is, you know, and so part of it is learning that language. And then I think part of it is an element of just self love, you know, I think a lot of us grew up in a time where the schools, the parenting, it was all about external validation. So, you know, be a good girl, that's a good job, you got an A. And a lot of us were wired in our brain to think if I do something for them out there, I'll get what I need and that's a really, in an end, then I'll be valid and then I'll be worthy of love. There's a lot of condition that went on and what I'm trying to do in shifting that is helping people realize you learning to care for you and you learning to make your joy a high priority is so essential for the care of the other people around you that it's not selfish. I think a lot of people when they hear self care, they hear selfish. And I grew up with a mom where I remember her judging the women that were selfish. And that's crazy, but I think a lot of us still have that programming in us. And then I think a lot of us are still waiting for the invitation to go take care of ourselves. And nobody's giving, nobody's going to say, oh, you've worked so hard, go take a break. I mean, if you have that, enjoy it and say thank you and be grateful. But most people are not. That's not how it works. I really advocate that in adulthood you have to be your own best parent. You have to be the one who's compassionate and empathetic and loving and cueing you. Hey, why don't you sit down for a minute? Hey, put your hand on your heart and just pat it and say I love you. Like it's little, little rewirings around self love and self worth.

So great, so awesome. I love to you know, you've inspired me. This on many levels, too. Of just like thinking about what I am modeling to myself. It's like, oh, cool, I'm tired. But I could. I can still do all this work and da, da, da. And it's like I'm exhausted and then I'm, you know, like, I'm just not that fun to be around. I just feel irritated. I'm like, I just. Yeah, it's not fun. So it's like, what is that? How does that show up for him?

Totally.

As he grows up, he's like, oh, well, my mom never took care. You know, it's like, oh, my gosh, I don't want that for him. Like that.

Exactly. Well, exactly. And I think that's a great point. I know a lot of people I work with, telling them to just take care of themselves for themselves doesn't click it in. But when you tell somebody the only way they learn. You don't teach somebody to take care of themselves by taking great care of them, but neglecting yourself. You learn how to. You teach somebody how to. You model self care by practicing it.

Yeah.

And you're right. Like, it would be so easy to go, one more thing, one more thing. But then you see your toddler going, I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to go to sleep. And they're stumbling around and you have to question, like, part of that's being a toddler. And their brains are just like, I can't stop. It's too exciting. But part of it is watching the people around you. And if you're not speaking the language that you want them to speak around self care, you're gonna get. You're only gonna get the language that you speak to them. So if you want them to speak fluent self care, you better be speaking it loud and clear with your actions and your words.

Mmm, I love that. So great. And it shows up. I mean, not only when they're young, but, I mean, it's all ages. Right? I mean, no matter what age your kid is. Right.

You know, earlier is great because of the wiring, but it's so. I always say it's never too early and it's never too late. That if you haven't been doing that, this isn't. You know, you don't have to go, ah, I'm screwing it up. You just start. Start now. There's only now. So just start now and say, you know what, you guys, I'm going to put me as a priority. And the truth is Everyone around you will win. Nobody in your life is wanting you to martyr for them. Nobody. They might be a little discombobulated because they're not used to it. But the truth is, if you're watching a conference like this or you're paying any attention at all to your parenting or your well being, you're probably not going to err on the side of like, hey, I'm joining the circus. Bye. But you're probably gonna move enough over that your joy is gonna start bubbling out more, which is all the people around you want. Everybody in your life wants you to feel joy because it just feels better to be around.

Totally. Totally. And it's like our kids, they don't want us to be crabby.

No. They'd rather have less time with you while you're doing the thing that feels good than have that crabby time. I'm such a good parent. I'm staying right here and I'm really annoyed and I'm on my phone, it's like, no, no, no. Go to your thing. Get a sitter that's got a little fresh energy.

Yes.

Let me go to school. Like, figure out what you need to do so I. So our time together can be rich, even if it's small.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that's it. It's finding your balance. And it's a never ending. It's a constant rebalancing and reconnecting and recourse correcting. But, you know, I believe wholeheartedly that there's no right way to do any of this. There's only the way that really works for you. And you have to be experimenting to dial it in and then realize, is this working? Is this not working? And dial it in again. That's all we get here.

Right? Right. Right. And then you just consciously, as you're saying earlier, you just consciously create to dial it in and to love and to choose to love your life.

Right. Choose. And it is. It's a choice because there's plenty out there. You know, I say to people, it's easy to think that you're watching. You know, the metaphor is like, you're watching a play and you've been watching this play and you're watching the play, and it's familiar, but it's also a little maybe constricted in what they're doing. And then you realize there's other plays to watch. And then you realize you get to choose what play to watch. And then you realize, wait, I can make up my own play. And then it gets really good. That it's so that's what I want to, you know, that's what you're inspiring. That's what I'm hopefully inspiring is make up your way, do your life and make it awesome and don't wait around for anybody to give it to you, because that's not going to happen.

Oh, I love that. Okay, so make it awesome. So let's talk about, like, the practical ways of making it awesome and also like the mindset of awesome. Right. Because those go together. Because, you know, some might look at my life and think it's awesome and some might who are very career oriented and like, look at it and they're like, what the hell are you doing? Like that there's nothing about feeding and diapering and that's awesome.

Right.

But so it's a choice, as we were talking about. So let's. How do we. How do you recommend to create like a awesome life? Like, what are. Do you have some steps of. Somebody's watching this, they're like, you know, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, tomorrow, and I want to live an awesome life. What do I do?

Yeah, I love it. Okay, so first, first of all, I would say, you know, take on the mantra, there's no right way. There's just my way. There's just the way that works for me. So that's one. And then I think you hit on a good one, which is stop looking out there and stop looking and seeing and assuming what others might be saying to you about you. Like, just cut the noise. So if you go on Facebook and it adds to your life, be on Facebook. If you go on Facebook and you start to feel like, oh, everybody's got it, better get off, stop looking, you know, stop, just stop. And if you're, you know, watching the news, that's not if it, if it's giving you something great, but it's likely that's not really adding to your world. So like I said, you have to. Once you decide I'm going to live my life and I'm going to get on my path and I'm going to experiment with figuring out what works for me, then it really gets juicy. And that's what I mean. I keep saying this, run experiments, decide I'm going to do 10 gratitudes a day for a month, and let's see how that feels. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to have a day where I figure out a way to follow my excitement as much as I can. What can I do today? Whether it's Alone or with my people, that I really decide I'm going to follow the joy, I'm going to follow the bliss. And then I think there's another element of this, of realizing that as we shift consciousness, as we move toward a new way of being, it's not always a straight line. It's very rarely a straight line. So you might say, yay, I'm living my greatest life. And it's so awesome. Everything that goes against that could potentially pop up in your face. So your mother might say, you can't live like that. Or anything that's in your brain will come at you from the external world. And it doesn't mean go away and go, oh, you're right, I shouldn't. It means, oh, you're here to show me something. Oh, good. What can I, what can I do right now to really notice? Oh, if she's saying that, there must be a part of me that believes that, okay, cool, I'm going to use eft, a little tapping technique to change the belief. Or I'm going to sit with the emotion that comes up for 90 seconds so that I can just let it clear out without the story. So as you're moving forward, it's often a process of noticing where you get wobbly, uncoupling the story with the emotion, sitting with just the emotion, and then deciding, where am I going next?

Okay, so let's dive into that more. Sitting with the emotion big.

We could do a whole conference on.

That and dropping the story or I don't know what you said.

No, that is seriously. So most of us were raised in a time where there was this belief that there are good emotions and bad emotions. And when we were little humans, a lot of times, because people didn't really understand the brain and they didn't understand the nervous system, there was a lot of like, stop feeling that, but nobody stops feeling anything. We might not express it because we would rather be in connection with those people who are in charge of our survival than to be a big puddle of self expression. So what that leaves us with now as adults is we have these little landmines inside of us and when something happens, so, you know, somebody says you're crazy, you can't do that. If that's something, if that can trigger an old little bomb of emotion. And what we usually do is go, well, stop saying that. And you're wrong. And we blame, we put it out there, but if we notice it and we can just stop and go, feeling scared, feeling scared, feeling scared or feeling angry, feeling Angry. Feeling angry. Take the story out of it, let that person off the hook and just sit. The belief is the science shows that if you give it 90 seconds, you'll digest it, you'll move beyond it. But if you keep the story running, you're just perpetuating it. You're not allowing it to do its chemical discharging. Does that make sense?

Yeah, totally. And so this is, like, different than analyzing it, right? Because we can go into, like, analyzing and why, and like, oh, I'm feeling scared, but you're not actually feeling. And you're like, why am I feeling scared? Oh, my parents did this, and da, da, da. And then blah, blah, blah, and then you travel down memory lane and you miss the opportunity to actually heal it, Right?

So here's a good little parenting tip as we talk about this. So the reason why most of us go. So we have an experience. So something scares us or something evokes a feeling of anger. And what most of us do, that's a visceral body experience. But what most of us do is go into our head and try to analyze and figure it out. And where that comes from is when you're a little kid and you have an experience of feeling and you're expressing that, which is just the rebalance of the whole system. And the people around you either go, stop feeling that you're fine, which is one level of shutdown, or why are you sad? Tell me the story. Why are you? Like a lot of us, that's sort of. That was like, sort of. The evolution was like, first, I'll give you something to cry about, then, no, don't be sad, you're fine. Then, oh, tell me the story. Why are you sad? Now we're really hitting the point where it's like, wow, you're having big feelings. Zip it. So that would be wonderful if we could all be doing that for the growing people, because that would wire their brain to be like, oh, I'm just having big feelings. I cry, I get over it, I move on. But we don't necessarily have that mechanism built. We have the I'm feeling a feeling. I better figure it out. So what I'm inviting people to do is just play with this concept of, wow, I got wobbly. I need to go ahead and sit with this for a moment. And then I'm going to have a few practices that allow me to kind of reset back to me. And those are just simple things like clapping your hands or shaking or bouncing or just what it is that kind of gets you Back, you might be something you wear, that you smell that really settles your system, like having a few little tricks that really bring you back to center, but doing that once you've done the sitting with, okay, that is awesome.

So does this. Can something traumatic that happened to us come up numerous times? Like, different parts of it, and just like, you know, it's just kind of.

Like it's peeling the layers, especially when you have children. So when we're little people, a lot of what happens to us doesn't get processed in a healthy way again because of when we grew up and just our culture. And so when it doesn't get processed, it still lives in our body, and we start seeing the world through that lens. So you could look back on your life and see you might have certain patterns around relationship. You might have certain patterns around friendships with women. There's all these different ways that if you really looked at it, there's stacks. And until you go, okay, that's not about them. That's about me and my present moment. Again, it's not about the story of, like, I better figure out what happened to me when. Da, da, da, da, da. It's literally like, in this moment, I'm stirred up. I'm having an emotional experience. Okay, how can I parent me? How can the bigger part of me parent this physiological part of me so that I'm staying present? And then it alchemizes, it transforms instead of perpetuating. Awesome.

And so challenging.

Sometimes so challenging. So again, I say this every time I talk to you. If you can do it one out of 50, one out of 70 times, you're going to be in great shape. And the first step might be, wow, there's that thing again. And you do the exact same thing you've always done. And then maybe 10 times later, you're like, I'm about to do that thing. And then you do it. And then maybe once in a while, you go, oh, I see that going on. I'm gonna take a little pause. Woo. Feeling all this feeling. Feeling all this feeling.

Yikes.

And then over time, you're just more conscious and you shine the light, and then it just doesn't. And then the beautiful thing, as you probably know, is once you really digest it, you just don't see it anymore. You don't have those same triggers in you.

Totally, totally. And that's why I'm so inspired by your work. And, you know, I've done a lot of work with Rye, and just like that, wiring for the babies. I can see it with My son, like, he doesn't really, I mean, I'm not a perfect mom, but he doesn't really have a lot of stuff. Like he just, oh, you're having emotions or you're upset about that. Like, it literally is a very.90 seconds is like literally like that's it. Every once in a while there's a little bit more, but not really. He's just like, he falls and he kind of. I don't say anything. I'm just like, wait for him to come to me. Which is totally counterintuitive because my initial before, you know, like your work and the others, like, oh my God, are you okay?

Yeah.

And to step back and wait for him to come to me. And most of the time he doesn't. Yeah, he falls and he gets up and he's like, whatever.

Yeah, it's so true.

Right?

I mean, and I think the big lesson, and I can tie it back to our initial, you know, where we started is the bottom line really is how do we manage our own anxiety around our people and ourselves and then how do we bring love on top of that? So, you know, I work with a group of people that I've been working now with for three or four years in a year long program that's really, I mean, they just keep signing up because they like the support. And I have a group of them that met, that meets monthly, that have been at it for a while and it's so beautiful because they've been at it long enough that they're now really going to bigger levels of themselves. But they're all dealing with a similar thing, which is how do I take these leaps in the midst of feeling the anxiety? So the question is, how do I show up for me, how do I not abandon myself? How do I not judge myself? How do I love myself? How do I care for myself while I'm growing and choosing these bigger aspects of my life?

Awesome. Yeah, Very cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As you were saying that just what popped up for me was, you know, Brene Brown, she talks a lot about the parenting and was just saying, I just read recently and she was like, you can't give your kids anything that you don't have. So if we're not managing our anxiety and our stress and our overwhelm, yet we're trying to be like, everything's great, you can do anything you want, but my life sucks.

No, Nope, doesn't work. They're not hearing your words, they're hearing your emotions and your vibration. There's nothing we can Hide.

They're so great for that.

Yeah. I mean, it's true. And how wonderful, because then once you adopt that philosophy, you realize, oh, you're just going to keep growing me. Because the point isn't to have it all together and be doing it perfectly. The point is, wow, I'm going to take some risks. I'm going to try some new stuff because I want to be in relationship with you, and I want to model something that might be stretching me. It might not be in me, but I'm going to try it because I want to be honestly who I want to be for you and for me. And that's the bottom line. It's like, it's not about them. I mean, that'll be a beautiful byproduct. But the self love, the self compassion, the taking risks, the choosing to create your life, the getting off the. This is how you do it. This is what a good parent is. Just getting off of that. That's like you're liberating everyone around you.

Yeah. It's so great, too. And I love just the. You were just saying, you know, being Will, it's like being willing to be you with your kids and just sharing your challenges. You know, I. My parents, I love them, but my mom is very amazing entrepreneur. But I don't ever remember her saying she was challenged at anything. Like, I know my dad got divorced. Like, there were some challenges, and my D didn't really. Very sweet man. Not a whole lot of, you know, emotional. We could feel it. Like, I could feel it, you know, so it's been challenging. That's been challenging for me of really being vulnerable and having it be a practice, even when my son was really young, of, like, I'm tired, I feel stressed. I'm not sure what to do. Like, communicating with him on that level. And also with Brian and I, him and I having conversations about our business, about our relationship, about, like, everything. And he's in the space with us.

Like, this is real. This is what we're living.

Yes. And, like, it's not all, like, roses and sunshine. We're like, okay, we're stressed today. Like, what are we gonna do about it? And we're just. I just. There would be part of me that's like, oh, gosh, are we wiring him for stress? I'm like, no, we're wiring him for, like, how to do this, problem solving.

And dealing with that. I mean, it's perfect, and he's got his own journey. But how else do you learn about all the aspects of life if you're not right in the middle of it with your people. And so what a gift. And what a gift to be able to say, I don't think. I don't know what I'm doing here. This is what we're going to experiment with today. Let's see what happens. Like, imagine the mindset of, we try things, we see what happens. We see how we feel. Sorry. And then we make adjustments and we keep moving. Versus, like, there's a right way. Or I'm going to hide all the messy stuff so that you don't have to see that. I don't think there's anything that, you know that's not, like, fatal. But it's limiting that. You don't want to limit their experience. I mean, it's not about, like, hey, let me tell you every problem I have. But it's being really transparent with your emotional tone, because they know it's. And there's nothing more. I mean, I've said this to you before. There's nothing safer than when somebody says, wow, I'm having a hard time. And you feel it, you know, when they. When you know, somebody's off and they acknowledge it and go, yeah, I'm having a hard day. It's not about you. I'm going to take care of myself. That's as good as it gets. Versus, no, we're fine. Everything's fine. And that little person's like, I know we're not fine.

And now I don't even know how.

To trust my system. Right. So if you want, you know, we're all rebuilding the navigation system. Theirs is amazing. And the goal is that we can come up to speed enough so that what we're tuning into and living is. Doesn't. Doesn't negate. Like, doesn't put their system in a state of. I don't know if I can trust this.

Yeah. So I'm curious. This is just like a developmental thing. I watch my son, and I'm like, you know, I know his brain. Brain's not fully formed.

Right.

But the dude's got it going on.

Sure.

He knows the emotional. He's got this emotional thing down. He's got the sleep thing down. Like, he's, you know, he sleeps and he naps and he, like, he's. You know, that's. He eats when he's hungry. Like, all these, like, simple things that I feel like I. And a lot of us are trying to get back to.

Totally are.

We just, like, we just screwed it up. So does he stay in? I mean, like, so the ideal, kind of like the ideal human development is that he keeps those parts of his brains healthy as he evolves.

Right. And recognizing that, you'll go through phases where he's smooth as silk, and then you'll go through wobbly phases. But that only means some up leveling is happening. And to not put your anxiety on it and to not take it personally and just to go, ooh, I wonder what's coming? And how do we do that for ourselves? Like, that's the bottom line, is we're always evolving, we're always unfolding. We think, oh, once we get to adulthood, we're kind of done. But we know that's not true. And maybe we're not learning how to walk, but there's an element of big change that is so dysregulating. But if we can stick with it and we can bring compassion and we can be loving and we can cheer ourselves on and we can get great support and we can seek information that really fits for us, you pop up to the next level, and then everybody around you wins because you're more you. And I just. I love watching them because they don't think, oh, I don't know if I can do it. Like, they just do it. And maybe they fall and maybe they get frustrated and maybe they have more meltdowns those few days or that month or those few months, but they don't. They don't have the hooks on it that we have.

So unless we give them to them, that's the point.

So it's like, you know, I call myself for my people, like, I'm roadside assistants. Like, just keep going. And if you have a question, I'll be over here. I'll meet you on the side of the road, we'll look at it, and then you're just going to get back on the road, because that's all this is. Like, if we start focusing too much on the thing, whether it's in ourselves or them, that isn't working. We're just prolonging, getting back in the flow. We're just doing the little eddy of, like, I'm not. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not where I want to be. It's like, just. Just take a chance on assuming you're where you need to be and then keep going.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I love that, too. And what I love about you and your work, too, is that you really tune into, like, is it working for you? Like, not comparing to or like, looking at the experts or this book said that, or this person, my friend's doing it this way, you know? And, I mean, we had a conversation about sleep, or I remember, like, at six months, and I was like, oh, my God, my son's waking up nine times. I was, like, stressed. And then, you know, we had so many different. You gave me possibilities, and I just surrendered to it. And I was like, the dude's gonna sleep. And literally, he didn't sleep. And he still doesn't sleep through the night every night. He didn't start sleeping through the night till, like, 16 or 17 months. And I became cool with it. And I was like, I know all my friends are doing this. And I'm actually. I feel great. Yeah.

So I'm choosing to be with what is.

I'm gonna just do this. And it's so. I think it's so easy with parenting is, like, you just start looking around, and this person's doing it like that, and, oh, I should be doing it like that. And you just always. I feel you're just such a grounding presence of, like, yo, what's for you?

What's for you? What's gonna work for you? What's gonna work for this person at this particular age and phase of development? And, you know, I said this to you then it's like, if.

It's.

If you can. If you can surrender and just go with it, I promise you it's gonna smooth out. I can't tell you when. If you want to try some changes, experiment with some changes, either way, it's cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, yeah. So that's all I wish for people is this sense of peace, of, like, this is the life I'm living. This is how I'm choosing to be on the journey. If I'm not loving it, great. What do I want instead? You know, using the. I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it. Instead of staying there, go for what is. Give the yes, what do I want instead? And that's parenting, too. It's like we say, don't jump on the table. Don't stand on the table. Don't throw that, don't throw that. They're only hearing, stand on the table, throw that. Nobody hears. No, we only hear, hey, why don't you throw that in the basket? Ooh, let's go get your soft toys and throw them over here. Oh, I love it when we keep everything on the table in the way that it's supposed to be. There's so much more information in that.

Yeah, yeah.

So using our self talk. That's negative. To go, okay, I hear you now. What do I want instead? Where am I going? What would work better for me.

As you were just saying that it is just like, I think that parenting and motherhood and all life, if you want, is really like a mindfulness awareness practice. Like you said, you just give. If you just have a little bit of mindfulness, a little bit of awareness of giving more information, you can change your life and change your connections. Right?

Totally. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to do a conference parenting now. How to be in the present moment with your life and your people. Like there's nothing else.

That.

How do we get people back to this present moment in themselves, in their relationships? That's it. That's all we can do is go, hey, you're here right now. I'm gonna savor this. And it's hard because your brain is going, but what if. And then back. Oh, why didn't I. But we have to constantly be reminding, come back, come back, come back. Yeah, coming back.

I love this, the presence, because I feel like for me, I have tendencies. I kind of think I was a nun in that other life or something. I don't know. I have tendencies for, like, Zen priesthood in me.

Yeah.

So I'm kind of. I'm kind of approaching parenting in that way. I'm not a Zen priest, but I like the idea of being in that space. But it can be challenging. Like, I'm sitting with my little person and I'm like, oh, And I turn my phone off. You know, I turn everything off and it's. You're still like, oh, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

Totally.

And it's amazing just how that erodes connection.

Right.

To not be present.

Right, Right. For sure. Absolutely.

What do you think? Is that. What's one of the biggest things for families? Disconnection? What do you think?

Absolutely. I just think inherent to right now in time and space, there's a lot of shiny objects out there that we are somehow. You know, again, I think it's just a blip. I don't think it's. I think it's only giving us contrast to see where we want to go. Inst. Because as much as, you know, I'm not a. I'm not a. That's bad. This is good. It's like, oh, this is where we are. Let's see what we need to do with it. I have a feeling the pendulum is gonna swing pretty. Pretty intensely around, like, wow, I'm not Really present in my life. So I'm gonna go be present and we're gonna go to the woods or we're gonna get outside or we're gonna. So I have total faith in that. I think that really being honest with what's realistic and not judging ourselves for not wanting to be present, but going and doing something else. And when you are together, carve time, be mindful, set timers, and really recognize that in human history, the 30, 20, 30, 40 year old women were not playing with the children. The grandparents and the older kids were tending them while the women were hunting and gathering and doing. Not hunting, but gathering and cooking and tending. And so I don't think we should judge ourselves when we're in the space of not wanting to be present. I think we should really just get realistic and go, okay, I think today I have a lot in me. I filled up. I did something for myself yesterday, so I think I'm good to go to the park and just really be there. But if it's a day where you're tired or you're getting your period and you're like, yeah, I'm not going to be present today, what needs to happen so that this person can get what they need and I can get what I need. Very creative by moment, day by day, you know, and it is, it's creative. It's not formulaic. There's nothing about humanhood that's formulaic. And I think that until you really become a parent, you don't totally know that, but once you know it, you're like, wait a minute, I thought I was gonna do it this way. And it's like, that's not how it works.

Not at all.

And then really being okay with the fact that like, know your person, because we might have an assumption of like, a good parent is present all the time. And your little person's like, yeah, I need a little space, folks. Like, I'm happy for you to be near me, but do your thing. Like, I'm a big. And you know, I think this is sort of the rye philosophy. It's like you live your life and once they need you, you're present that you're not hovering. And like, I better anticipate everything that you need. Let them communicate. Yeah, it's amazing, right? He knows what he needs. And no, I mean, a small person who's getting cared for with any sort of intention and mindfulness is not going to martyr like, oh, you're busy, I won't bother you right now. Like, he's going to Let you know exactly what he needs and when he needs it so, you know, give it more. Just keep playing with space. Keep playing with space because like I said, he wants you to feel full. So he's playing over there and he gets into a groove. Pull your attention back and go inward and take some breaths and maybe make a little to do list in your brain. And then if you need to get a notepad, maybe get a notepad. And then he'll come back and he'll say, mom, I need this. And you'll be like, okay, I'm back. But I love the idea of giving people more permission to make that kind of space.

I also love. And I feel like you've helped me with this just of really creating your extraordinary family life and just what, what is it that you want out of your family life? And.

Right.

You know, we've been just recently I have this like, journal that I've kind of made our journal. So I journal kind of what I want. And I journal in my, you know, I'm journaling. But he has his crayons and his markers and his pens and he gets to journal on it. It's just this really. I mean, sometimes it's literally only like a two minute journal session. Sometimes it's like a 20 minute here and there. But it's like, I'm like, I want a journal, this journal, you know? And so we're working on meditation. Beautiful.

Yes. If you do two seconds at a time.

He has one. He sits on my meditation cushion and does one breath. And I didn't make this up, but he goes like this and takes a deep breath. I'm like, what's with the hands? Like, he.

Perfect.

None of us do that. So anyways, just like being creative with them, you know, like, okay, these are the things that I want to do. And working out, like we work out together. And he rides on my back and I do push ups. And it's that for me has been super helpful of like, not just doing only what he wants to do. And it's like, okay, mommy's gonna work out. Now I have 15 minutes. When the timer goes off, I'm done. And we can do something that you'd like to do, but it's just so much easier.

Well, it's so much easier and it's so much more natural. I mean, when I was first, I mean, this was close to 20 years ago. Somebody. I was doing a master's at UT and one of the teachers handed me the book, the Continuum Concept. And it was 180 degree eye opener because that was. This woman had gone to the Amazon and she was living with this tribe who really hadn't been exposed to most of the world. They were pretty isolated. And she realized these people were very peaceful and that they were joyful and it was just innate. It wasn't anything that they were doing. And she started looking to see what do they do it, like, how do they hand, how do they be with their people? And the thing that she saw that was probably the most, I mean, there were elements. One was being in community and one was, you know, really just being in nature all the time. But one of the biggest was when these little people arrived. They strapped them on their back and they went about their business. And their philosophy was, you show them your world. Don't limit to their. Their world is not formed yet. They're here for you to be the ambassador of your world so they can learn how to take care of themselves and how to navigate and how to deal with social situations. And as soon as you can really start giving them more freedom and trust that like they're here to survive and they're here to learn and really empower them to help themselves and learn things. So that was a big shift. And it's not how most of our culture operates with small people. But when you do and you really take that leap and you say, hey, I really value hiking. We're going hiking. Or wow, I really value volunteering. Hey, we're going to go volunteer. Whatever it is. There's a piece that comes with that because you're in a different state, you're in more of your flow and that will only allow for them to be more in their flow. And then you have to realize they have a different journey here. So your things probably aren't their thing. So that's when you start the give and take. But there's just something about, you know, being in nature, being, you know, that's the thing, I would say. So go easy on yourself when you're at home, around being present and go out of the house and be in nature because it's effortless then, right?

Oh, my gosh. Totally.

Way easier. So let yourself off the hook, but make a lot of time to be outside, outside, because I think the distractions of home are gonna pull you and then you're sort of torn. But if you're like, we're going to the park today or we're gonna go into the woods today, let's see what we can find, you're not even gonna think about what's happening out there? You're just gonna be in the moment with where you are.

And I found that. I mean, this is. I know every kid's different, but my son is like, he would much rather be outside than anywhere in the house. Like, if we're inside too long, he's kind of like. He goes out to the garage and grabs his shoes and says, go.

Totally. We gotta go.

All right.

It's time to go walk around town, go into the mountains, take a ride to the beach. Like, why wouldn't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The natural world is just effortless presence to me.

Effortless presence. I like that.

Much easier. Much easier. So if you carve that time, then you can let yourself off the hook. And if you need to be on your computer or if you need to make a call, it's all good. I mean, you're not gonna blow him off for that. You're gonna attend to him. But I just think everybody needs to let themselves off the hook a little more around that. And really, instead of being like, we need to be present in the house, just say, let's go outside and see what happens.

Very cool. And one thing that I love from you and I think you talked about in the Evolve program in the play, I can't remember where it was. I think it was a worksheet that you gave.

Okay.

But it was on. Like, what do you. What's play for you and what's play for your child of, like, being attuned to your play needs and your child play needs?

Totally Right. And you might have a very more, you know, at this stage of life. A lot of us are much more intellectual in our play, but a little tiny human might be very physical in their play. So honoring both and figuring out a way to get what you need and help them get what they need, that's as good as it gets. And not thinking, oh, I have to do that thing, and being a little like, I don't really want to, or dragging them to something that you find exciting. And then, like, not having given them the experience of what they need. It has to work. It's like, you're in a relationship with a human. You're not parenting a child. So be in relationship with that person full well, knowing what developmental phases they're in and the limitations on what's possible until they keep getting more and more unfolded into themselves. But not abandoning who you are or feeling stifled by where they are, because it's like a blink. I mean, today's the first day back to school. In Austin, and I was on Facebook, and it's like picture after picture after picture of these children going to kindergarten who I knew when they were either in their mother's bellies or fresh out of the womb. And it's like it was a blink. Like, it's shocking to see. Wait, how is that person six already? That doesn't make any sense. You were just tiny. So, you know, and I knew you when you were pregnant, so it's like two years done. Link.

Yes. It's crazy. I think I love this about you, too. Of, like, just this time that we're with our kids when they're young and they're little people and teenagers before they go out and have their own life is small. The days can seem long sometimes, but it goes by so fast.

Totally. I mean, I like the. I would love. I need to create something that's like a ruler that's 100 years, and then you mark off the first 15 to 18 that they're actually with you as your kids, and then the rest of the time, you're adults together. That's a tiny fraction of the puzzle when you really look at it. That, yes, he's two. He's going through amazing changes. He's gonna act wacky sometimes. He's gonna be hilarious sometimes, and then you're gonna keep doing and doing and doing, and he's gonna grow and grow and grow, and then at a certain point, he's going to go live his life. And the goal is that you're still connected and that you want to hang out with each other and that you hear each other. And maybe you don't have exactly the same interests, but you're still so connected that you just want to share. And it's like, well, I like surfing, so can we go to Hawaii together? And it's like, great, let's go to Hawaii. Hey, we want to ski. Okay. Let's go skiing. I mean, that's ideal. But even if it's not that exciting. Hey, I love hiking. Great. Let's go hiking. Hey, I actually really love video games. Okay, let's sit down and play some video games together. I mean, there's a lot of growing that we might have to do outside of the right or wrong. This is right. This is how a child should love life. And going, all right, you really love that. Hey, what if we sat down and created a video game together? What would it look like versus, like, no games?

No games, no games.

It's like, that's my passion. I need to do that. Why are you telling me not to do it? If I was an artist, you'd be throwing supplies at me.

Right? Right.

People know what they're here for. They found their own journey.

Totally. And you watch like, how they pick up. Every child picks up little things, you know, Like I've introduced Emerson to dance because I love dancing. The kid picked up dancing like he's a dancer. My next kid might not be a dancer, you know, but it's like, so interesting. Okay, so this.

This.

I have two more questions for you. This brings up, which I think you've shared in almost every single one of the times I've interviewed, but I just love it. Can you share your four questions that we can be asking for our children?

My four questions. So when I work with people, ask for ourselves too.

Right. These questions are every.

Every human. So, you know, I ideally would love people to be thinking this before their babies are born, before their humans arrive. But every. Any stage. Who are you? What are you here for? What do you need and how can I help you? And just asking that over and over and over again. Who are you not. I know who you are because you're my child. But, like, you're your own person. I don't know who you are. I'm just going to keep asking the questions so I can be in the mindset of being open. What are you here for? You're here for something. My parents didn't make me interested in babies and human development. That was in me and it came out early and it's never gone away. So what are they here for? What's the passion? What's the spark? What is shefali? Sabari says the spirit throbbing with its own signature. I love that. What do you need? What do you need on your journey? What tools do you need? What experiences do you need? What kind of care do you need? What kind of interaction do you need? And then how can I help? How can I be in service to you on your journey? So simple and, like, just why would we not ask those questions? And really we should be asking that of ourselves every day. Who am I? What do I need? What am I here for? How can I help myself today?

So power. That's just like, I just saw a splash of self love and self compassion and just like, connection to ourselves. Oh, we asked those.

Yeah, just. I want to know me. I want to know me so I can know you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yummy. Okay. So my other question kind of goes back to. But I am curious. It goes back to creating the play of your life.

Cool.

So you have created this extraordinary life. You just got this fantastic house, you have this business you love. Like, you know you are loving your life, but can you talk about those? Maybe some dips in, how you've navigated them and the fears and the courage that it takes to actually follow your bliss. Just.

Yeah, totally. So it's a process, as you know, it takes courage. It takes tuning out the noise, whether it's family or friends or the media. And it takes probably enough experience with knowing that, like, I call it the ski jump, that when I dip, which does still happen, when I go down, inevitably I come up higher and I have a new level and I fly a little differently. So instead of going, ah, I'm freaking out. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe this is about idea. I have enough wherewithal. Even though it's hard to just stay with it and really feel the feelings and try not to judge and try not to put a lot of story around it. And the more I do that, the quicker the little blips are. And I mean, to be perfectly honest, at this point in my life, a lot of the blips seem to be related to hormones. And you know that. So giving everybody a lot of compassion for that, I was like. Because I had a rough day yesterday, like a really emotional day. And I looked back and exactly, exactly, exactly one month ago on that Sunday, same exact emotional experience. And so I'm like, that can't just be a coincidence. But the beautiful thing is for me, it's one day I go way down deep, deep, deep, cry, cry, cry, freaking out, try to not have the story, try to just care for myself. And then the next day is like, ah. I mean, I've been doing exactly this all day and I'm still ready for more. So I feel like if there's one message I want to give people, it's embrace the discombobulation because it means more of you is emerging.

Of course, going back to the appreciation and life is awesome. Not that something's wrong.

Exactly. And that growth does take these wobbles and these. You know, there's. When I was in grad school, we saw this video that was so fantastic because it was research done a long time ago and it was iron filings. And there was a resonance, a sound resonance under this plate. And the iron filings had made this form. They were in a pyramid shape. And the researcher turned up the frequency to make it a higher pitch. The whole thing collapses and then it reforms in a more dimensional, more beautiful shape.

Whoa.

It was amazing. And that's the point, is that sometimes while we're, you know, we can put out these wishes and these intentions and these dreams, but we have to be courageous enough to let things get messy so that that can happen. Because I think what a lot of times happens is we get to that place and we think, oh, no, I'm doing it wrong. I better scurry back to my old way of doing it. But man, you can you be courageous, you get support again. Like, I want to be that road assistance where somebody's like, I'm freaking out. And I'm like, no, keep going, you're doing great. Yep. Have a little rest. Let me give you a hug. All's well, Keep going. And then a new version of that person emerges. Like, we're evolving. It's inevitable. Let's enjoy the ride as much as we can. And I'm happy to, I'm happy to support.

Woo.

I know, so fun.

That's so awesome. I love that. I love that because, I mean, I always feel like I'm on a reinvention journey actually, but I really feel that currently of like just a new way of being and going about my life. And it's blessed for me. It's less extrinsic of like out in the world of business and it's more of my family and home life and inward. And it's. Yeah, it takes courage to actually be like, am I really gonna go, okay, let's experiment, let's see. Okay, let's see what happens. What happens if I don't do email anymore? What happens if I turn my phone off? What happens?

You know, like, oh, nothing.

Nothing else happens other than I feel.

Better, you feel better, you feel more present. I mean, I love that and I love, you know, I love being, I love doing this, experimenting with this kind of life because I have the freedom to do it. I love supporting people because I feel like I can hold them in a place of trusting their process in a way that they might not be able to. And then I love when they learn that and then they can support their little people in doing that. So, you know, as much as I can help people out there, that's it. Like, if you're really looking to change and really transform and become you, like, really dig into you and your isness, come play.

And where do they come?

They can come to my website, which is cariconti.com I'm on Facebook. Cariconti PhD and just get on my newsletter. I don't send a ton but it's really useful. And then when my year long program evolving, I think I'm going to evolve the name from evolve to evolving. When that launches in the winter, you can jump in because it's really powerful and power packed and it's truly about getting lots of tools but also doing the work to really go deeper into yourself and know your personhood, your partnership, your parenting and your prosperity. And it's just this, you know, this really holistic approach to family life. And it's fun.

I mean, who would want to hang with you?

It's fun. It's so good.

Awesome. Well, thank you. I love you. I appreciate it.

I love you too.

So much.

I'm sending you kisses.

Lots of love.

Okay, more soon.

Bye.

Bye.

We hope you enjoy this episode of Mama Goddess. Sending you lots of love and blessings. If you'd like to connect more, go to mamagoddess. Com. Until next time. Keep rocking it and have an awesome day.