5 Truths LGBTQ Allies Need to Know About Visibility, Grief, and the Power of Being Seen

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind and to this very special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. I'm Heather Hester and I'm so glad you're here. Over the past few episodes, I've shared transformative lessons I've learned through writing Parenting with Pride and more importantly, through living it, through showing up for my LGBTQ+ children with love and humility. And courage. Today is the final lesson. Whether you are a parent, an ally, or someone who's learning to live and love more fully, this series is for you. So take a deep breath and let's begin. Visibility is layered. It's beautiful. It's brave. And for so many, it's also terrifying. For LGBTQ+ individuals and their families, being visible can feel like stepping into the unknown. Will we be accepted? Will we be judged? Will we be safe? But visibility is also how we begin to shift culture. It's how we say, "We're here. We exist." and we deserve to be seen and treated with kindness and humanity. When Connor first came out and started practicing showing up more fully in the world, it was really incredible to watch. I experienced so many emotions, including waves of grief that I did not expect. I vividly remember sitting in his high school counselor's office when we were at the height of his struggle and blurting out, "It feels like my movie reel has exploded." I was so worried and scared and still so new to the journey. I had to grieve the version of the future I had imagined. In order to make space for this more vibrant, true one. Here's something we don't talk about enough. Grief and joy can live in the same breath. You can feel deep, soulful pride in your child and feel grief over letting your movie reel explode. That doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human. The key is not to project that grief onto your child. Take the time to process it honestly, lovingly, and separately from their experience of becoming. In January, I spent some time reflecting on 2024 as a whole and this theme of holding grief and joy. The tension of the opposites came up over and over again. I realized that my capacity to hold the two had grown exponentially through so many things, including the loss of my sister, the release of my book, Grace's graduation and departure from— for college, through difficult boundaries set with my family. And the devastation of the election. Sprinkled throughout all of that were moments of sweet joy, the warmth of being seen and loved, and deep love and gratitude felt from my husband and my children. For LGBTQ+ people, visibility is not just about being quote unquote out. It's about being seen in your fullness and still being loved. That's the gift we can give our children. That's what it means to hold space for them to unfold, even when it stretches us. When we say, I see you and I love all of you. We offer something the world often doesn't. And when we as parents and allies choose to be visible in our support, we shift what's possible for others. When you show up as yourself, you give others permission to do the same. Every time we choose visibility, especially in a world that's increasingly hostile to difference, We are planting seeds of liberation for our children, for their friends and peers, and for future generations. You may not always see the impact of your visibility, but I promise you, it matters. And remember, visibility doesn't always mean being loud. Sometimes it's quiet, consistent presence. Sometimes it's advocacy. Sometimes it's just not shrinking. Did you know that I'm actually an introvert? Some have said an extroverted introvert, but the fact remains that I recharge my social battery by being alone. As a child, I was painfully shy. I was terrified to speak. To share my thoughts or to be seen. The mere thought of speaking up sent me into such fight, flight, or freeze. I would sweat and blush. My mind would go completely blank, and it would take every ounce of energy to even share a sentence or two of my thoughts or my opinions. Typically, I would stay as small as possible and always to avoid. Well, just to avoid. I now understand why I was that way and why I remained that way long into adulthood. And even though I'd begun to speak out in small ways regarding my kids' education, my biggest shift occurred when Connor came out as gay. All of a sudden, the urgency and fierce need to protect my family and inform others way outweighed the utter terror I felt about speaking up or being seen. Starting with this podcast 5 and a half years ago, and then working my way from virtual workshops to in-person stages. I gradually became more comfortable and more empowered using my voice and being seen. It's no accident that the butterfly is my logo, although I honestly did not see it as clearly then as I do now. I share all of this to empathize with you and to say, if you can see yourself in my story, you are not alone. Visibility can feel both beautiful and hard, liberating and scary. So now it's time for listener queries for today. This segment will be an ongoing part of every solo episode where I will answer questions from you. I'm starting with the most common questions I've heard over the years, but consider this your official invitation to email me with your most burning questions. Today's question may actually seem very simple, very elementary, but it is very, very common, and I wanted to give a direct and just understandable, comprehensible answer. So the question is, what's the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity? My answer is this: while these two terms are often discussed together, as in LGBTQIA+, there's a lot of sexual orientation and gender identity in those letters. They're all mixed together, they're often discussed together, but they refer to different aspects of who We are. Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to. It's how you feel emotionally, romantically, or sexually drawn to others. You might hear terms like gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual, which describe various sexual orientations. For example, if someone identifies as gay, are attracted to people of the same gender. If they identify as bisexual, they are attracted to people of more than one gender. On the other hand, gender identity is about who you are. It refers to how you perceive yourself and experience your own gender. It might align with the sex you were assigned at birth, which is called cisgender, or it might not, which would be called transgender, non-binary, genderqueer, etc. For example, someone assigned female at birth may identify as a woman, cisgender, or they may identify as a man, neither, or both, transgender or non-binary. In short, Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, and gender identity is about who you are. They're both essential parts of a person's identity, but they reflect different elements of our experiences and how we connect with others. Today's key takeaways are as follows. One, Visibility can feel both beautiful and hard. That's normal. Where in your life are you being called to be more visible? Two, grief does not cancel out joy. They can coexist and even deepen one another. What grief are you still holding and what joy has been waiting to emerge? And 3, your choice to show up fully and visibly is a radical act of love and change. What does being seen mean to you and how can you offer that gift to others? Thank you for joining me for today's reflection in this special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend and definitely subscribe so you can catch new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Pride Month is a great time to find out what kind of ally you are. So click on the link in the show notes to find out your ally superpower. Until next time, keep showing up. Stay curious and never underestimate the power of your presence. Happy Pride!