5 Ways Parents and Allies Fail LGBTQ Kids Without Realizing It | More Human More Kind

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind and to this very special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. I'm Heather Hester and I am so glad you're here. This is the third episode of 5 transformative lessons I've learned through writing Parenting with Pride and more importantly, through living it. Through loving, raising, and advocating for my LGBTQ+ children. So whether you're a parent, an ally, or someone who simply wants to better understand how to lead with compassion and clarity in a very divided world, this series is for you. So let's take a deep breath and begin. One of the most profound truths I've learned is this: your response becomes your child's inner voice, especially in those early moments when they come out, when they share a truth, or when they express something that challenges what you thought you knew. That's when your words matter. Your tone matters. Your body language matters. I have not always done this well. In fact, before I was really present and aware with my words and my responses, I was probably about 50/50. Seriously. When Connor came out to us, I remember the flood of emotions. Fear, surprise, love, anxiety. But what Steve and I each said first, and what we did individually and collectively as his parents, and the days and weeks that followed became the foundation for how safe, how confident, and how comfortable he felt being himself. If I could go back to that moment now, I would do so many things differently. And thankfully through the weeks and the months and the years that followed through all that I have learned through all that we have learned as a family, through the vulnerability and the honesty, I've been able to repair the hurts, the pain. From our early missteps, and Steve has too. Understanding this was one of the things that made Grace's coming out a vastly different experience. So this is all to say, it's okay if you don't get it perfectly right in the moment. What matters is how you show up after that. The words, the body language, the tone. The effort. When we talk about language, we often just think of the words, right? But language is actually so much more layered than that. It includes, like I just mentioned, the tone of your voice, your facial expressions, even those tiny little things that we do, right? The, the tiny little eyebrow raise or the nose, the nostril flare, or, you know, if you purse your lips or make a sound with your mouth, all of those tiny, tiny little things matter. And often these nonverbal clues are even louder than what we're actually verbally saying. According to research from Dr. Albert Mahabirian, communication is only 7% verbal, the actual words, while 38% is vocal tone, and 55% is body language and facial expression. So while this 7-38-55 rule is most applicable when there's emotion or ambiguity in a conversation, It highlights something vital. How we say something often matters more than what we say. So let's break this down. First of all, there, the tone of voice, your tone of voice. Think about how you use your tone of voice to communicate how you're feeling or what you're thinking. You can say the same phrase, I love you, for example. In a way that feels like a big warm hug, right? Or you can say it in a way that feels passive-aggressive, dismissive, or even angry. Our tone tells the truth, even when our words don't. Saying okay in a flat or cold voice versus an affirming tone Okay. Or okay. There's one example, right? Or a couple of examples. Another is using sarcasm or humor that masks your discomfort or when you're trying to mask judgment. Most LGBTQ+ people are finely tuned to tone because they've learned to listen for signs of danger or rejection. So if your tone doesn't match your words, they'll feel it even if they can't name it. The next is our body language. Our bodies speak way before our mouths do. And when a child is sharing something vulnerable, they're watching us closely. They'll notice if we cross our arms, or lean away from them instead of leaning in. They'll notice if we make eye contact with them, or if we're busy looking at our phone, or writing something down, or looking at our computer. They notice if our shoulders tense up, if we clench our fists, if we fiddle with our hands or with our hair, or cross our legs and shake our leg, whatever that nervous or anxiety tick thing that we do, they notice that. And they notice when our faces look open and curious. Subtle signals can send a loud message. Like, for instance, this is uncomfortable. I don't want to hear this. Or "I'm here, I'm listening, keep going." Your face and your energy often reveal your true reaction, even when your words are careful, like we just talked about: a quick wince, raised eyebrows, a frozen or a kind of plastic face a fake smile. These things register fast for someone who's already afraid of how you might respond. Stop for a moment and ask yourself, what does your face say, or what facial expression do you make when you are surprised or uncertain or confused? How does your energy feel? Do you feel really rushed? Do you feel like that cortisol coursing through your body, or do you feel calm? Do you feel like really tense, perhaps angry, judgmental, or do you feel just completely relaxed, maybe warm and loving and soft and open? Language is about so much more than getting the words right. It's about respect, identity, belonging. Making the effort to learn and to practice makes a difference because ultimately it's about dignity. And yes, you might stumble. That's okay. I certainly did so, so many times, and I still do. But what matters is that you, me, we keep trying. We keep correcting ourselves. And most importantly, we don't make our effort their burden. The most powerful language you can offer is alignment. And this is when your words, your tone, your body, and your energy all come together to say, I'm here for you. I love you. You are safe with me. That's when your child doesn't just hear your support, they feel it. Over time, your child internalizes the messages you send, whether they are spoken or unspoken. So think about, are you telling them, "You are seen. You are valid. You are safe with me." Or are they hearing, "You confuse me. I'm uncomfortable with who you are." You were too much. Your reaction has the power to either build a bridge or create a chasm. And the good news is you always, always have the power to return, repair, and reinforce love. I want you to take a few minutes now if you can and think of A recent moment when someone came to you with something vulnerable. Think about what your body, your tone, or your energy communicated even before you opened your mouth to say something. I want you to think about how you want your child to feel when they share something with you. And then finally, I want you to think about the last time you paused to examine The language you use, whether it's about gender identity, queerness, is there anything there that might need to shift? It is fully, fully, and always okay to say, "I'm learning. I might mess up, but I'm committed to getting it right." So even when you are committed to getting it right, you will get it wrong sometimes. We all do. It's part of being human. What matters is what we do next. And the key to that is repair. There are 4 steps to repair and healing in a relationship. And often these 4 steps will need to be practiced, trying different ways of communicating until you hit upon what really feels authentic. What feels like that authentic connection. The first step is apologize. Simple. Own what you said or you did. The second step is acknowledge the harm, even if it was unintentional. This lets the other person know that you fully understand, that you see them, and that you wish to mend the relationship. The third step is to reaffirm your love. There are so many ways you can do this besides saying, "I love you." Our kids especially can feel our love through our actions, our effort, our showing up, and our doing the work. And the fourth step is do better next time. Be and stay present. Make an effort. Being wrong isn't the problem. Refusing to learn from it is. I wish I knew who said that, but it is spot on. My ratio of messing up and going through these steps has shifted in a positive way over the years, but it still happens. There's a reason I coined the phrase "embrace the beauty in the messiness." The beauty is that the more you lean into this process, The more your relationships begin to shift for the better and deepen. When I sit and reflect about my relationships with each of my kids, where they were a year ago, 5 years ago, even 10 years ago, I am just deeply grateful and more times than not, just a tad emotional. Depending on the day. As with so many of these things, when we model how to be aware of our language, our kids see that. One more thing that we can show and not tell. So now it is time for the Listener Queries, the segment that will be an ongoing part of every solo episode where I will answer questions from you. I'm starting with the most common questions I've heard over the years, but consider this your official invitation to email me with your most burning questions. So this week's listener query is one I get asked a lot. What's the deal with the word queer? Is it okay to use, and what's the history behind it? So the origins of the word queer, it originally meant strange or peculiar and was a neutral term in the 16th century. But by the early, early 20th century, it was weaponized as a slur against people perceived as gay, gender non-conforming, or seen as different. It became deeply hurtful and even dangerous. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, or throughout the 1990s, activists, especially those involved in groups like Queer Nation, reclaimed the word queer as a bold and defiant identity. It became a way to push back against shame and say I refuse to hide. I am proud to be different. I love this quote from the Queer Nation Manifesto. Yeah, queer can be a rough word, but it is also a sly and ironic weapon we can steal from the homophobe's hands and use against him. Today, many people, especially younger generations and activists, embrace the word queer as an inclusive umbrella term. It can refer to sexuality, gender, politics, or even a general identity outside the mainstream. It's fluid, expansive, and often intentionally non-binary. That said, not everyone is comfortable with the word especially older LGBTQ+ people who grew up hearing it as a slur. It's important to respect how someone identifies and never apply the term queer to someone unless they've claimed it for themselves. So bottom line, queer is both a reclaimed identity and a living word. For some, it's healing. For others, it's still quite painful. The best practice here: ask, listen to what people tell you, and honor how people name themselves. The 3 things I'd love for you to take away from today's episode: 1, your first response matters, but so does your follow-through. 2, language shapes identity. Using affirming language is an act of love. And 3, repair is possible. Mistakes are not the end of the world. They're not the end of the story, as long as you are willing to learn and grow. Thank you for joining me for today's reflection in this special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend and definitely subscribe so you can catch new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Pride Month is a fantastic time to find out what kind of ally you are. So click on the link in the show notes to find out your ally superpower. Until next time, keep showing up, practicing allyship, And remember, you are not alone. Happy Pride!