From Fear to Fierce Ally | Choosing Curiosity Over Judgment in Parenting LGBTQ+ Kids

Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, and to this very special Pride Month series, 5 Lessons from Parenting with Pride. I'm Heather Hester, and I am so glad that you are here. Over the next 5 episodes, I'll be sharing 5 transformative lessons I've learned through writing Parenting with Pride. And more importantly, through living it from loving, raising, and advocating for my LGBTQ+ children. Lessons of progress, language, unlearning, and the layered experience of visibility. Whether you're a parent, an ally, or someone who simply wants to better understand how to lead with compassion and clarity in a divided world, this series is for you. So take a deep breath and let's begin. One of the most powerful shifts I've experienced and witnessed, and so many parents I've worked with, is learning to choose curiosity over judgment. When your child comes out or begins expressing a part of their identity that feels unfamiliar, It's normal to feel confused or overwhelmed or even fearful, but it is what we do in that moment, how we respond, that shapes everything. When Connor first came out as gay to Steve and me, I didn't have all the answers. In fact, I had very, very few answers. In those initial moments, I was only concerned for his safety because he shared this very important news with me over the phone in the middle of the night when I was 2,000 miles away from him. My next priority was making sure that he knew that we loved him and had his back no matter what. This allowed time for all of us to just take a breath. And to pause so that when Steve and I returned home, we were able to sit down and ask questions like, "Can you help us understand what this means for you? Tell us more." That moment changed our relationship. It was the first time I realized that curiosity is not passive. It's an active choice, and it's one of the most loving things we can offer our children. Remember too that you are human and you will make mistakes. We certainly made plenty of them, like asking so many questions that we now know fall into the category of things not to say or ask. Allow yourself grace. An action that aligns both with curiosity and being human. If you would've asked me when my kids were little if I loved them unconditionally, my answer would've been an enthusiastic yes, probably with a side of attitude because how dare you think otherwise. However, when Connor came out, I realized there were a lot of conditions tangled in my love. Expectations, assumptions, hopes I didn't even know I was carrying. That movie reel that I talk about, this is where it comes in. For me at the time, the realization and explosion happened in one big woof. But everyone experiences this differently. Allow yourself some grace here and take time to acknowledge the expectations, the subconscious assumptions, the hopes. If you aren't ready to allow your movie reel to explode and to process the subsequent grief, try to at least allow space for the possibility of doing so. True unconditional love means this: I don't have to understand everything right now, but I will stay with you. I have your back. I will keep asking, learning, and growing because I love you. Take a moment with me right now and ask yourself where you may still be asking your child to prove or explain themselves before offering your full love. I know this is very personal and it requires vulnerability. Take a deep breath and know I offer this reflection with love and kindness. What might shift if you chose presence over certainty? Judgment isn't always loud. It's subtle, usually hidden in the corners of our subconscious. It can sound like, "Are you sure this isn't a phase?" Or, "That's just not how I was raised." Or, But what will people think? Even well-meaning questions can shut someone down if they are rooted in fear, not curiosity. It is really important that you hear and understand that. Even well-meaning questions can shut someone down if they're rooted in fear, meaning the questions are rooted in fear. And not in curiosity. I'm going to go out on a limb and propose that a decent percentage of people who make judgmental statements do not consider themselves to be inherently judgmental. They may just be naturally inclined or were taught to view everything through the lens of fear, not realizing the subtle and not so subtle messages of judgment that are the result. Worse, they likely do not see the through line from fear to judgment to growing distance in a relationship. Curiosity, on the other hand, invites us into relationship. It says, tell me more, help me understand. And what does that mean for you? When we model curiosity, we teach our kids and ourselves that it's okay not to have all the answers. We show them that growth is safe, that questions are welcome, and that love doesn't disappear when things get hard or unfamiliar. This isn't just about parenting. This is about creating spaces where people can be human. So if there's one thing I want you to carry from this episode, it's this: Judgment closes. Curiosity opens. If you are able, take a few minutes right now to reflect on the following questions. If you are driving or otherwise unable, bookmark this spot to come back to later. One, where in your parenting or allyship are you still holding onto judgment, either quietly or loudly? Two, what's one belief you could hold more loosely? And three, what might it feel like to lead with, I don't know, but I want to understand. Today I am introducing a brand new segment to the podcast called Listener Queries. This segment will be an ongoing part of every solo episode where I will answer questions from you, the listener. I'm starting with the most common questions I've heard over the years, but consider this your official invitation to email me with your most burning questions. Today's question is actually twofold: What is Pride, and why isn't there a straight Pride? I remember this being a big question and trend right after Connor came out in 2018, 2019. And I've been told that it is coming back strong in certain online and social media circles. So here is the answer. Pride isn't just a party or parade. Pride actually began as a protest and response to years of systemic oppression, discrimination, and police brutality. It marks the courage of all who were pivotal in the 1969 Stonewall Uprising, which is widely regarded as the catalyst for the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement. Some of the most influential were trans women of color like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. Pride is now a celebration to honor the courage of those who fought back, the ones who were trailblazers, and those who bravely stood alone in their authenticity. Pride is an acknowledgement and a time to honor those who lost their lives standing up for LGBTQ rights or standing strong in their orientation and/or identity. Pride is a time to model what it looks like to speak your truth. To show up as who you are, and to advocate for the rights and lives of all LGBTQ+ people. The answer to "Why isn't there a straight pride?" is simple: because straight people have never been jailed, beaten, or killed for their identity. They've never needed to hide who they love to survive. Pride isn't about superiority. It's about visibility, dignity, and the ongoing fight for equality. I have 3 takeaways from today's episode that I'd love for you to hang on to. One, ask instead of assume. A simple, "Tell me more," can open a door that judgment slams shut. 2, unconditional love is a practice, not a feeling. It requires presence, not perfection. And 3, curiosity changes relationships and lives. It's always available to you. Thank you so much for joining me for today's reflection in this special Pride Month series, The Five Lessons from Parenting with Pride. If this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with a friend. Remember that curiosity is not passive. It is an active choice. This is actually becoming one of my very favorite ways to encourage curiosity. It is a way of doing and being in the world. Pride Month is a great time to find out what kind of ally you are. So click on the link in the show notes to find out what your ally superpower is. Until next time, keep showing up, stay curious, never underestimate the power of your presence, and remember, you are not alone. Happy Pride!