Heather Hester teaches parents how to talk with teenagers about coming out using the VAST technique: Validate, Ask Questions, See Them, Then Talk. She shares stories about Connor and Steve and previews her course Learning to Just Breathe.
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Do you want to know the number one secret I have been using to increase positive communication and drastically reduce the fear that inevitably surrounds the coming out process? We actually started using this technique with Connor and have found that it works really well with all of our kids. So huge bonus. The technique that I have created will help you with each pillar. But before I jump into it, let me just quickly recap what I've covered in the last two videos. I explained why the Pillars of Transformation work so well to help you understand what your child is processing, to really know how to best support them, and to ultimately transform your relationship with them with optimism and without fear. I also shared how you can start implementing the pillars right now. I highly recommend watching those videos before moving into this one. So take a few minutes and do that. They're, they're quick. So my first big secret, really my go-to tool, is called the VAST technique. It is an acronym that stands for Validate, Ask Questions, See Them, Then Talk. One of the most difficult pieces of parenting adolescents adolescents, teenagers, and young adults, whether they are LGBTQ or not, is learning to effectively communicate with them. Their developing brains, their growing bodies, their social-emotional needs, and the effects of their overall environment make it difficult, to say the least, and a daily adventure, I'm sure you would agree. In my intense effort since 2017 to become educated and to shift in some very necessary ways, I quickly realized that I needed to hear and understand what was being shared with me, both verbally and non-verbally. This is really an important distinction. You can Listen while you're multitasking, cooking, doing laundry, whatever. But hearing requires attention and being present in the conversation. So as a helpful tool for myself, I created the VAST technique. In 4 simple actions, you can vastly improve your relationship. When your adolescent, teenager, or young adult comes to you to talk, follow these steps. Validate their pain, their frustration, their angst. For example, about a month ago, Connor texted us on our family group chat that he was really annoyed that he had taken the train from Manhattan to Brooklyn only to find out that his class had been canceled. As each one of us texted a suggestion to help him feel better—go to your favorite coffee shop, go visit a friend, go walk along the promenade—he finally said, "I just need y'all to validate my frustration." They just want to know that you hear them. They don't necessarily need for you to fix it or solve it or, or even try to make them feel better. Validating also doesn't mean that you just agree. It means that you hear. Second, ask questions. This step plays several very, very important roles. It allows you to clarify what your child is telling you. Signals to them that you really want to understand, and it allows you time to pause internally if what is being shared rattles you in any way. A great first question is, "Do you want me to share my thoughts with you, or do you just want me to listen?" Third step is See them. This is so huge. Really seeing our children for who they inherently are requires us to remove all of our expectations and movie reel creations of who they should be. This one takes practice and breathing and pausing, but it is super, super important. I keep this quote by Jeff Brown on my refrigerator, which says in part, "To feel seen in our humanity, in our vulnerability, in our beautiful imperfection. If there is anything we can offer each other, it is the gift of sight. I see you." Perhaps the most important words we can utter to another. Then, and only then, talk. Step 4: Allow the question above to guide you. If they want your thoughts and advice, be thoughtful and gentle in giving them. If they just want you to listen, tell them that you love them and thank them for sharing with you. And that is the VAST technique. In my upcoming course, Learning to Just Breathe, I will be taking a deep dive into more techniques, education, and resources. Make sure you stay on the lookout because in a few days I will release more information and details about it. I have literally created what Steve and I wish were available when Connor first came out to us. It's a coming out survival toolkit, so to speak. If this is something that interests you or really is speaking to you, click on the link below to put your name on the early bird waitlist. Everyone on the early bird waitlist will get access to the course a full day before I release it to the public. So jump on there. There's no— you're not signing up for anything right now. It's just saying, "I am interested." And as always, if you have any questions, please send me a message, and I am more than happy to connect with you. Stay tuned for the next video because in that video I will be showing you the exact steps to take with the Pillars of Transformation and embrace the journey, empower and be empowered, and love unconditionally. See you then!
