September 01 - Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen

Welcome to Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen. My name is Heather Hester, and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ teen. Q child, wherever you are on this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. So today is part 3 of our time with Connor, and Connor sharing his story with us so graciously and lets you know that whatever is going on with you, with your child, you're not alone in this. And, and it can be really hard at times and confusing. And it can also be really, really beautiful. It can open up your relationship in ways that you never ever dreamed it would. It can open up just your eyes, your mind, and opportunities just to see things differently and to be differently in this world. So With that, I will let Connor jump on here and we're gonna start with, um, I think we left off last time with him getting ready to leave for NYU last fall, and so that's where we're gonna jump back in. So Connor, thanks.

Of course. Um, leaving for NYU was I think it was a whole— it was— there was a lot of emotions there at that time, and I don't recall where we had kind of cut off, so I'll, you know, maybe repeat some. But, um, you know, I just remember it being very like— it was, you know, the summer was kind of chaotic and like it was a struggle. Um, but then like then came August and I was like, oh my god, like I'm actually going to school soon, like I'm gonna be in New York by myself. And to, to say I wasn't ready was an understatement, but we, we were— I was insistent on, like, I was not gonna not go because I kind of saw that as like my salvation, like going to New York, everything was going to be fine, all my problems were going to be solved, I was going to be a perfect student, there was going to be no issues right away. Again, needless to say, that was not the case, but I think everyone was kind of maybe a little naively putting a lot of weight on like we're doing this, it's gonna be okay, we're gonna manage, you know, like, it's— it'll be okay. At this point though, I was still very much in, um, pretty heavy use and struggling with that, and there really wasn't a ton of trust, uh, between me and my parents. And yeah, I would say it was pretty— it was, it was a pretty chaotic time.

I think that's very, very accurate. And I think that your observation of how we all approached it is spot on. I think we so wanted you to have this experience, to have this, you know, and New York, we knew in so many ways, and NYU in so many ways was the perfect place for you. The question was, you know, would you be able to handle all of the, you know, outside forces coming at you and available to you? And so yes, we were naive, but I think that it's probably a good thing that we were because we all just jumped in. And, and, you know, at that point we'd kind of we'd weathered some, some stuff, some storms, right? And so we knew that, okay, well, whatever comes our way, we will— we could do this, we can do this. And sent him off and, um, you know, really tried to just say, okay, this is, you know, the first semester of college is tough. It can be very tough, you know. We knew that, you know, there's a lot of really good things that come out of persevering through whatever comes at you, as you know, in your first semester, first year of college, no matter where you are. So anyway, so I'll let you, I'll let you continue, but I just had to—

all very, all very true. Um, but yeah, I think, you know, the term trial by fire, it's an excellent, but it's a good way to describe, uh, my situation when I got there. I mean, I remember I had, um, applied for this program It was like this service program, you know, I think it was like 100 kids from the freshman class like came like a week early and did like a whole service project. And I had originally applied because it just meant I would get to move in a week earlier, but it turned out to be an amazing experience. And like, I remember it, like, that still stands out as probably one of the, like, of my first semester, it was definitely my best experience. You know, met a couple of my, like, closest friends at NYU. From that first week. And it was just like, it was a very cool experience. And like, it kind of, it set me off at, you know, it's my first week in New York and this is my experience. And it was just like a week of just like really empowering, really positive things. So I was kind of there and I was like, okay, you know, like, I think I got this. Like, this, this seems all right, you know. I've met some really cool people so far, uh, learned a lot, and, you know, it, it, it's going okay. I think it was probably— that was the first week. And I think By about the second, maybe third week, I was back to, you know, I got back on the apps, got back on, you know, everywhere. I kind of broke my promise to myself pretty quick and was, you know, using and bringing all those behaviors with me to New York. And this time it was kind of, I was in full control, I had full autonomy to do whatever I want, and that I did. So.

And I'd like to add to that from, as his mother, you know, Connor once again is masterful because I, you know, his dad and I both, he would talk to us, you know, every week we would talk, you know, sometimes, you know, more than once, text and, you know, glowing reports, talk about his classes. He had a, you know, very interesting roommate and just all these experiences of things he was doing. And, you know, I'm doing great. And we were like, oh, okay, this is good. Like Connor's transitioning just fine. And he's, you know, he's been through a lot so far in his young life. And that's probably helped him with the transition not being as difficult perhaps as, you know, friends of mine were sharing their kids' transitions and they were difficult, and, and I was like, you know, thinking to myself, well, Connor's doing fine. And yeah, not so much. Um, and I, uh, I, I think he's gonna probably jump in here on a parents weekend next, maybe, and I'll, I'll I'll respond to his thoughts on that.

Yeah. Yeah. So I think, let's see. So Parents Weekend was, I think it was like the last, it was like the weekend of Halloween. So that was like, you know, I guess that was like, that was a good, that was at least a solid 2 months into the semester. It was like more than about halfway. And yeah, I mean, I was at this point I was doing I had kind of gotten into my routine of going to one class a week, maybe two if I was feeling it, in person. I figured out which classes I would get marked absent for, and so I would go to those classes, and the rest of the time I would spend sleeping during the day, and then, you know, doing whatever else. At night. And so I wasn't doing so hot. And I think by the time that you guys got there, it was very clear, at least once you guys were able to see me and, you know, interact with me in person, it was quite clear that things were not in fact going as swimmingly as I had, you know, tried to portray them. But, you know, this is like, this was other than that, like it was a very big turning point. Like I remember Sitting in that restaurant the first night and just being really straightforward about, or not, it kind of took, actually that's not true. I wasn't very straightforward about it. It took some teasing, but it'd be, and eventually when the truth came out, just being like very, I remember the conversation just being so bizarre to me because I was in the same position that I was 2 months ago with my use and with like my lying and the struggling. But the conversation that I was having with my parents then was so— it was so bizarre for me because it was like, you know, like you guys had taken on the role that, you know, it was very appropriate for the time of like, you know, yes, we're your parents, but this isn't like the same parent-child relationship that you used to before. Like, this is your life, this is like, you know, your decisions. And like, you know, basically, you know, giving me the autonomy, but at the same time being like, we just want to help. And so I think that was like, it was very nice to hear that, like, okay, like, I felt like I was taking on this, taking everything on on my own. And like, that was kind of just like the way that I had done things forever. Like, I would, was very, I like to see myself as very independent. And so I kind of tried to take on the weight of, you know, being alone in a big city, living on my own for the first time, living in college. You know, uh, dealing with heavy use issues, dealing with like all of this, and it just like, it wasn't something that I was able to do. And that was very clear, you know, this was a huge point where I was kind of like, it felt like I wasn't necessarily working against you guys or kind of like working to like work around you guys, but now there was like kind of an element of like we were working together to kind of eventually figure stuff out. So yeah, I'll let you respond.

No, I love that. And, um, you do such a lovely job of being able to reflect, um, and really, you know, one, one of the gifts of everything you've been through is that you are incredibly self-aware, and which allows you to reflect and to be really, um I think as you've gone through different things, you're able to be more and more honest with yourself and then, you know, thusly with us, right? What I recall very clearly from that time is a phone call that we had a day or two before your dad and I came. And you did, you know, we talked and you were, I won't say you were completely honest, but you were the most honest you had been up to that point. And, and we're just very much like, things are not going well, right? I don't feel good about where everything is, and I'm, I'm a little bit scared, and I feel alone, and I feel, you know, overwhelmed, and I feel, you know, all of these feelings that are totally normal and natural for, you know, any first-year college kid being, you know, not just away at college but in a big city, you know, all by yourself. You know, it was just such— you were super vulnerable vulnerable. And so I knew going into seeing you that weekend, I was so anxious to see you. I mean, I still remember like standing outside of the hotel and waiting for you to walk from your dorm there and like literally running and jumping. Do you remember that? I mean, like jumping into your arms, like, oh my gosh. And you, I mean, I could just— I know. And I mean, I was stunned at— yeah, it just was written all over your face, your body language, your—

she was skinny.

Oh my goodness, you were so thin. I was so worried. I am super happy that, you know, again, your dad and I were like, okay, uh, we— different approach and different time, and you know what, what's What do we think might work for where we are right now? And I'm so glad it did work and that, you know, there was a pivotal time. It was a, you know, change in the direction, whatever you want to say.

Right.

So, so we left and this was the end of October. And so you had about a month, well, a month before Thanksgiving and then about 3 weeks after that until Christmas. So do you want to talk a little bit about that time?

I mean, there's nothing that like very specifically sticks out from this time. I think it's more just a general, uh, feeling, which is like, you know, after, after parents weekend, I guess I'd like to say I felt like, okay, like things are a little more like in control, um, which was like sort of the case. Like, I guess really it was a very, very, very, very, very slow transition and slow change from like where I was before my parents— before I had parents weekend versus like after. So first it was still very much the same struggle and the same kind of emotions and behaviors. However, it was something where I wasn't entirely keeping it to myself. Like I felt that I could come to my parents, I had been to, you know, talk about these things. It was hard because everything was still very much not going well, but I guess it was all— it was also nice to have, you know, at least it wasn't like I was keeping it all to myself because that would make it so much harder. But like, it kind of just continued on this like messy, just kind of inconsistent, I think is a good word, because like I could like, you know, get my shit together and, you know, be doing well for like, you know, 2 weeks at a time. And then I would, you know, kind of fall apart again. Um, And so it just became very cyclical for like the next 2 months, I would say, or month and a half. I don't know. There was something about it. Like I remember earlier on kind of feeling this way and like here, definitely feeling this way, like just kind of like a complacency with like, okay, this is, I guess this is where it's gonna be at. And you know what? Like I can manage this. Like, you know, if I'm able to just like stay consistent for a couple weeks at a time, then I can like get myself together. And then it like, you know, it is what it is. And I think it was very concerning, but at the same time, it was kind of like, okay, like, that's just the circumstances of my situation.

I was just thinking that when you came home at Christmas time, you know, that right before Christmas, I remember so clearly, and you've never really shared, um, if anything, you know, it's just been kind of like there was this moment in time. And so I don't know if there was something specific that happened or if you just kind of said, this, this is it. But I remember you coming home and saying, I realize that if I don't, you know, turn things around, pull myself together, I'm gonna be dead by 21. And that scared me so badly. You know, you were home for a month during, you know, Christmas and the New Year, and, you know, just kind of watching you every moment and then realizing that there was a definite shift and it was small, it was very subtle, but there was a shift and you were really committed to this new path.

Yeah.

I don't know what you want. I mean, I think there's a lot to share about that, but you know.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm like totally cutting off, but—

No, you're fine.

Go ahead. So yeah, I mean, I guess this was a little part of the story that I hadn't really brought up because I wasn't sure if it would tie in at all, but I guess this does tie in. So, you know, there was a love interest at this point that had been kind of like, you know, I had met this guy in New York and been talking to him since back in— oh my gosh, like before I had gotten— it was the April before I had gone to college. So April of 2019, we had kind of just been like texting and talking all summer. And then when I finally got to New York, like we had started hanging out, but it was like very spotty because I was still a hot mess, you know, like I was still— but there was still like a, like a connection that I had with him that was more organic and real than like the other, the connections I was making there. Anyway, like, it had gotten to a point with him because I, you know, he was— he knew, you know, basically he knew what was going on and he saw it happening. And like, he had been very supportive and like trying, like, kind of, you know, and understanding and like trying to like help. But there reached a point, you know, where I kept lying and I kept, you know, going behind his back and all that. And it was around Christmas. Yeah, it was right before Christmas. It was the week before finals, or the weekend before finals week, which is like my last week that I was there. And I remember it was the last time. So I had gone out and I used, and then I had hung out with him the next day, but I didn't tell him about it. I totally lied about it. But then he caught me in a lie. And it was one of those moments where he's just like, listen, like, you can— keep doing what you're doing, but I don't want to have any part of it, and I can't be a part of that. You're sick and you need help. And, you know, but it was something where it's like I needed to hear that because I couldn't, like, say that for myself, if that made sense. Like, it was just kind of like a kick in the ass that I need— in the butt, sorry— that I needed. Because, I mean, like, and I don't want to say like, oh, well, it's like it was all him, like he was why I got sober. Or clean or whatever. But like, I— it should be noted that was like, it was a big, uh, it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, I think, um, that finally got me to be like, okay, like, I do really value the relationship that I have with him, um, and it is by far the healthiest and most sustainable thing that is in my life right now, and that's not something that I can really afford to lose. And I guess like, you know, I had made attempts in the past of like, okay, yeah, like I'll stop, like it'll be fine. But I don't know what was different about this time other than just like, you know, I felt like it was more of like an ultimatum. Like if I don't, then I'm going to lose this relationship. And that was, I think I really just needed that. I needed that like thought to be like, okay, well, like if I do decide to use, then this will be gone. So Yeah, I was really kind of holding on to that in my early weeks of being clean.

Was there anything that was— was it specifically from that conversation, or what finally struck you that you realized how dangerous and how potentially deadly the things that you were engaging in were that made you say, you know what, I don't stop, I may not be here.

I mean, I think that's— I mean, it's a good question. I think like it was very much, you know, I think I knew in my logical mind, I knew, I was well aware of like how dangerous the stuff I was doing, how easily I could die from it, get hurt from it, get involved with the wrong people, whatever it may be. Like it was stupidly risky. But when you're in that mindset of addiction, it's very much like, it is what it is because it feels good. Unless you're in addiction, it is harder to understand that. I know that you guys understand that just because you've been surrounded by it for the past several years. But yeah, it was very much like the risk versus the reward. The reward always outweighs the risk. Even if it's a very small reward. But anyway, I think like the conversation, like I do appreciate you mentioning that because it does sound like, oh, like it was just this, I did it for a guy and like, you know, like it wasn't that. But I think that conversation helped me kind of just view everything that I was doing through a slightly different lens, almost just like it kind of, I guess it just kind of like helped me kind of wake up to, or truly wake up to like how just how much I was beat. Like, I was destroying everything. Like, my grades were— I didn't— like, I had never gotten grades so low before. I had never just been in this constant state of, like, stress and anxiety and felt so isolated. I had, you know, I had made, like, 3 friends, and, you know, the guy who I really liked was, you know, like, he— this was the last straw sort of thing. I was like, I felt so awful all the time, like physically, and I was kind of just like decaying. So there was like all of this that like I just, I think I finally was able to open my mind to and realize like, shit, this is all like 1000% because of my use and because I'm, you know, the way that I'm behaving. And clearly the only way that anything's going to change is if I take out the use. And I think I just— the timing of everything was also very fortunate, just like having like, okay, you know, basically making this decision to be clean and then like 2 days later going back home for winter break. So then I had a month to kind of like just sit with that at home. And really process it and I guess just kind of accept that that was the path that I wanted to take.

Yeah, I think those are all— I appreciate you sharing that because I think that is— it's very powerful and it's important information for people to hear and people to learn from. So that we can all understand addiction better and understand, you know, kind of the thinking that goes behind it. And, you know, I think one of the extraordinary things— you are obviously clearly very, very bright, and, and this addiction was still able to get to you, right? So it's not a, you know, there's a lot of stigma surrounding, right, addiction, right? And so I think that so many points you made there are very, very powerful, and that you were able to have the clarity just to see them and to be able to separate things out. And you're right, having that, the timing was a gift, and you know It was a divine gift, I believe. And I do still, you know, I'm so grateful for that and grateful for the time that you were able to have to just process, to just, you know, sit with all of these very, very uncomfortable things and come, and come to terms with how you wanted to shift and change and, and make the commitment to do so. Which is phenomenal. So, you know, thankfully you, you were here. So let's talk a little bit about really between the time between New Year, then COVID hitting. And I'd like for you to talk a little bit in this about finding your therapist.

Right.

Who has been just phenomenal.

Phenomenal, truly.

I mean, you know, I did kind of chase him down a little bit, but—

Right, I was gonna say, before you finding the therapist. But she's cool. She just wants the pat on the back for that one. That was— No, I'm kidding.

You know what? He just— when I read about him and, you know, I did all that research and I read about him and I was like, oh my gosh, he's this so perfect. Like, he has to— I basically— look, everyone, I basically begged this guy to, uh, take Connor on as a client.

So yeah, the stars kind of aligned on that one.

They did, they did. It was meant to be. So anyway, go ahead.

Again, it's so odd thinking back to, like, you know, the beginning of this year, just because, God, it was like a different lifetime. Um, But I guess, yeah, it was like the, the 2 and a half months that I was in school for the second semester, it was so just starkly different, um, from my first semester and from my entire like first semester experience, like outside of just the school aspect, like just life. Um, and yes, I was still like very, very, very early recovery, but there was just, there was, The weight of having to lie about everything, of falling behind and everything, just like the stress and everything that came along with using was not there. So I just felt like I was able to just really authentically take part in my college experience. And one of the things that was actually quite fortuitous is I was in computer science first semester, which was probably part of why I did so poorly. Because that just wasn't for me. And I had switched to— it's like technology and art, I guess, like that's the best way to describe it. But it's called Integrated Digital Media, and it's still at the engineering school. So it was like, it was very easy to like switch this major. And the classes I took for it were just so, so much more interesting. I remember I was taking— my favorite class was the cinematography class. And I just remember it like, it was, it was so weird to be able to go to these classes and find genuine interest in them and the work that I was doing in them. And like, you know, it was like, even though I was like, okay, yeah, I could still skip them, but like, there's like, I actually like want to go to them. And like, I was like making friends, which again was crazy, actually like spending time with people and like not just You know, it was just, it was so different. And like, I had like, you know, a best friend and like a friend group and like all these things that like were such a struggle in high school and, you know, my first semester that like, it was so, I just felt very secure for the first time in a long time. And the relationship that I had with this guy, like it was, you know, exclusive and it was just, you know, it was, there was like, more definition to it than there was before. So it was like all these things, and then also meeting my therapist, um, for the first time. I actually only got to have one session with him before COVID and we had to go home, but he was still like great. And like, just, it was— in summary, you know, like, it was, it was just, it was a very positive time, and I was like, okay, you know, like, things are going well. Though I guess it should also be noted that like I was, it wasn't like I was just like, you know, out of sight, out of mind. Like I got, you know, got back to New York and I was like definitely struggling still to like keep my word, I guess, to myself to like not use. Like I was still, I still had the apps and like my profiles. So like I was still on there, which was so stupid. And like I realized I was literally like, Again, Corona, not great at all. That was earth-shattering. But, you know, the timing of getting sent home, like, it was just— I was— I remember just being very close to using again. And just like with the circumstances and like, I just like, I was— I was— it could have been messy. And once again, I was kind of lucky with the timing. But other than that, it was like I was doing quite well.

So just a kind of a reflective question on that, which we've never talked about. So we— everyone gets to hear the answer, the question and the answer for the first time right here. I know that was very difficult for you. And then you've been home now for 5 months, and you'll be going back to New York in a couple of weeks. And so what, what has shifted, or what makes you feel, or do you feel more confident that you will be able to either delete those apps, not be tempted? How are things different now? How are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way, or are you going back to New York approaching things in a different way?

Good question. Um, thank you. Yeah, no, I mean, I think I haven't like given a ton of conscious thought to this, you know. I think with like with the apps, profiles, all that, like I've kept that off my phone and like I'd like to keep it that way. I may, you know, need to have accountability on that and like just have you know, through like your computer or something, like block certain websites because, you know, sometimes I just can't help myself. But, you know, hypothetically, I do feel like much, you know, like out of sight, out of mind. Like if I don't have them, then I'm not gonna worry about it and it won't be a temptation. So there's that because I feel like that's definitely the easiest way for me to fall back into like, oh, well maybe I could just, you know, once. But that's not the case. But other than that, I mean, It's again corona, uh, not, not the greatest, but it definitely helps with no physical interaction whatsoever with anyone. I guess there's also that of like, I, you know, at least for another, another 6 months to a year, I don't really have to worry about even thinking about, um, associating with strangers. That'll be good. Um, but in all honesty, like, no, I feel like I— the relationships that I have with you guys, with the guy, you know, who I'm seeing, and the, you know, the friends that I have there. Like, there's just— there's relationships that I care about, um, there's support pieces I have in place, um, especially having my therapist there. And there's just like, I have, you know, I've seen what can happen if I actually, you know, put forth effort and like, you know, like have drive to succeed in school. And so I feel like that, like that energy is kind of carrying over into the fall. And like, there's like being able to sign up for my classes and like have genuine interest in like everything that I signed up for, almost everything I signed up for is again, totally unfounded or unheard of. But like, I'm very, I'm very much excited for that. And so it's like, it's still, you know, since I am still, I'll have had like, I think like 8 months by the time that I'm back, it's still very much just about like keeping my out of sight, out of mind. So like just keeping myself busy and busy with things that I enjoy doing. But it's just like, I do feel like this, like there's this opportunity right now. I, or I guess like I'm at a point where it's like I can more authentically kind of figure out like, what do I like? What do I enjoy? Like, trying things out and doing all this. And like that desire, that drive, that curiosity is, I think, just been given to me in part by being clean.

Yeah, I think that's, that's awesome. That's kind of what I was thinking, um, you know, just from my, my observations of watching you and conversations that, you know, Connor Connor is also an early bird, and so he is, he's often up with me and the puppy, and that's our time when we get to chat about life. And we talk about lots of different things, which is so much fun. But it's been really fun for me to, to watch these shifts in him and, you know, things that I always have known were there, but that he's discovering. And, you know, watching his absolute delight at having, you know, getting such good grades in his second semester, and then, you know, acing his summer school class with literally almost a perfect score, right? I know. And, uh, you know, working out, like caring about, you know, his physical health. He eats so healthy. He eats a lot too, FYI. Oh my goodness. You know, he's— he's growing. He has the metabolism of a teenage metabolism. And so it's just, you know, all these beautiful pieces that have been, you know, as your mom, really fun for me to observe and, and just I hope that they have become enough of a habit and something that you've seen like the positive results from, and, and you feel so good about where you are and where you're going, that that will give you the strength that you need when things are hard. So anyway, I'm glad. Thank you for answering that impromptu question. Um, I appreciate it. So we've basically come to present day and Connor getting ready to leave for New York in a few weeks, um, as long as everything keeps going, you know, relatively well. He'll be going back to a modified schedule and a modified living situation in New York. I just would love Connor, if you could share— you've shared your whole story from really kind of, you know, the past, at least the past, you know, 4 or 5 years of your story. And if there are any words of wisdom that you would like to share or any, you know, kind of overarching lessons, anything like that that you would like to share just to kind of wrap this up for everybody.

Yeah, for sure. So, you know, may sound a little cliché, but I don't know, I think that— I mean, one of the biggest things that, you know, I still always think about, and I don't know, like, I just— I like it. And I think, um, you know, realizing that being, you know, a part of the LGBT community, especially, you know, being gay, um, you know, coming out is, you know, when I came out, I thought, you know, like, okay, this is it, I'm done. And like I mentioned, like, it's the coming out process, it's kind of never-ending because there's always more that— in my experience, there was always more that I would learn about myself. And, you know, still I'm learning about myself. And, you know, there's like— it's also, it's like, it's like, it's like a comfort level that you have with yourself And I feel like over time, you know, when I first came out, I was so— and part of that came with being a teenager, but like just being so insecure and unsure and, you know, just like not really loving myself to where I am today where, you know, yeah, I still have a ways to go, but the person that I am and the way that I see myself is so much— like, I just have so much more appreciation for who I am. And like can embrace myself. And I, that sounds corny, but like, not at all. It's just like, it's, it's very much like I'm not the same person that I was 4 years ago. And like, that's something that I can take pride in and be happy of, which I know is like, again, all kumbaya. But you know, I think that just that, that I use that as my motto in terms of like trusting the process because, you know, yeah, you might, end up, you know, going on a rockier road. And, you know, that looks different for everyone. My story is entirely unique to me, but the underlying themes are, you know, there bears similarity, you know, and we all kind of have those similarities of like, it is a lengthy process and it is a hard process. And there's so much that you have to learn about yourself, that you will learn about yourself in the process. But just understanding that like, you can continue to grow and like just love the person that you're becoming or become, no matter, no matter how low you get or whatever. But yeah, that's that.

No, I love that. I love that. I love that so much. You guys have to know that I literally have tears in my eyes right now because, um, you know, as all parents can attest to One of the things that you want to hear your kids say is that they love themselves and that they appreciate themselves. And it has certainly been a long road getting here. And so it brings me great joy to hear that. And you just said something just now that reminded me of a really important shift that we made that I also want to share because I think it's very important. And that, and you know, so many of us as parents say you have such great potential, you have, you know, you are XYZ, you can do XYZ, you, you know, and looking forward into our, you know, child's future or what we think their future might be and saying, you know, and trying to visualize that and, and saying that in a way that's not at all malintent saying that, right? It is totally trying to be supportive and rah-rah and you've got this and we love you and realizing at some point that it— that is actually can be damaging. And what is really important to say is, I love who you are right now, right now in this moment in time. I see you and I love you, and I think you are extraordinary. I think, you know, list off whatever characteristics, you know, you love about your child in this moment in time. You are creative, you are caring, you are kind. You are whatever. I will tell you that that is, for me as mom and, and in this process, not only with Connor but with his siblings, you know, it's one of those things that really helps you to stay present as well, right? And, and grounded and less anxious about the future because you're appreciating who everybody is right now. So I just wanted to add that in as well to kind of complement what you said. I appreciate you so much, and I appreciate you sharing all of this with such honesty and just being so real. And you're welcome. Um, so before I wrap it up, is there anything else that you'd like to add?

Yeah, I guess, like, and you can cut this if it ends up just getting too cliché or ranty, but like, I like kind of when you were mentioning just like, you know, I guess appreciating your child for who they are in this moment in time. And, you know, kind of going along with that is just this philosophy that I feel like, you know, isn't by any means unique to me, but like it's just a philosophy of like appreciating the impermanence in the sense of like it's really hard to, you know, feel good about yourself or feel good about anything when you're in a really dark place. Like I speak from personal experience and it just can feel so suffocating. But, you know, accepting the fact that, like, literally everything is impermanent and in the sense that, like, you know, the situation you're in right now is— it's going to change eventually. It's going to get better eventually. You know, it has to. You have to reach your bottom at some point. It also just like it— how it's helped me and it can help you, like, just appreciate when things are going well and when you are happy with yourself and just recognizing that, recognizing how great that is and appreciating it and being more present in that. Because I just think that kind of sets you up so much better in the future. And that's something that I've been saying to myself for the longest time and I don't know if I really believed it. But, you know, and especially in the age of corona, really just being present in those moments that are great because, you know, while they may be fleeting right now, it's still like, I don't know, it's good stuff.

So it is good stuff, and I think you're right. I think that is, um, one of the gifts of the, the age of corona, as, as you've called it, and as you hear Brother Rowan calls it Corona break. There are so many things. All you have to do is hop on social media or the news to feel, you know, to see and hear all of the horrible things. So here are, you know, these are a few good things. And I feel like we've really tried so hard to like see these beautiful moments and these beautiful things. And I know that, you know, this is definitely the gift of time together and the gift of being able to appreciate each other. And I mean, I know the 6 of us have had— we've had more laughter in this house and more just silliness. And, you know, at some point we all thought it was a good idea to get a puppy. And she has been an absolute delight. But I don't know that, you know, we would have thought that was such a good idea at any other time.

Right. Yes.

And, um, you know, there it has been a really, you know, I guess what I'm trying to say is it, yes, yes, yes, yes to what Connor said. And, you know, just appreciating and recognizing those really, really good things. And I think that goes into, you know, when you appreciate the great things that sends a message to the universe that you want more. So you're ready for more, you're open for more, right? So on that note, we will, we will wrap it up today. Thank you so much again, Connor, for doing this. This was so much fun.

Of course. Yeah.

Um, and we won't have another Connor episode for a while, guys, because he's, he's going back to school. So, um, We have to enjoy these moments. Well, let's, let's hope that, let's hope that some, some good things are going to happen and you are able to safely stay in New York. Um, so this is where I'm going to leave all of you today, and I just want to thank you so much for joining us, being with us on this trip down memory lane. And, you know, we want to remind you to just breathe, to take that few minutes every single day to just focus on your breath and allow it to calm you and center you and just give you that strength and clarity that comes from just breathing. And I'm gonna throw out something new this time, which is if you have ideas for this podcast, for me, um, or feedback, I would love to hear from you. So please shoot me an email at hh@chrysalismama.com and I will have this in my show notes as well so you can link right to it. As always, would love for you to subscribe to and review this podcast on whatever platform you're listening to. While you're on my website, chrysalismama.com, go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter to stay informed. To get podcast updates and the like. And if you are looking for a community of people who are going through similar journeys and just are at a similar place as you, uh, I have a private Just Breathe Facebook community, and you can go ahead and ask to join that through the Chrysalis Mama Facebook page. And finally, Just feel free to share this hoop with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. Until next time.