Talks that Save Lives with Jackie Simmons – Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen | Episode 55

So Jackie, I am so excited that you are here with us today and that we get to hear not only your really moving story, but what you have been doing with your story and, and with your life and with this passion project that you have. So let's just start out with telling my audience a little bit about you and what got you into this type of work.

Thank you. Um, what got me into this type of work? What gets us on your podcast is the fact that we're parents and we've been there, done that, and survived to tell the story, right? And my story of how I got into doing what I'm doing now as the director of the Teen Suicide Prevention Society is not even my story. It's my daughter Stephanie's story. At the age of 37, delivering a 7-minute message that matters in the front of a room, her first public speaking. She had been part of a group that I'd been coaching to deliver these 7-minute talks. Talks, and she was the first one speaking that day. I mean, she was in a state, you know, she was both nervous and excited, that state you get into right before you give a talk. Yes. Oh my God, Heather, everything worked that day. The videographer was set, the slides worked, the microphones worked, the audience took their seats. I'm super proud of my daughter. I mean, oh my God, she looked amazing in her dark blouse and flowery skirt. Her hair was all pulled up in combs. She was first up on the speaker's roster. The lights dim and I welcomed her to the front of the stage. Everyone help me welcome Stephanie Ashton. She confidently walked up and shook my hand and I went to the back of the room and she said, 3,000 teenagers will attempt to take their own lives today in the United States. And I went, huh? I mean, thank God I was in the back of the room and nobody could see my expression, right? I didn't know the number was that large. I had no clue. And Heather I did not know that suicide was her topic.

Oh my goodness.

Oh, she continued with, when I was 14, after a bad day of shopping, I stood in my bathroom. The pain of not fitting into any clothes was just more proof that I didn't fit in. Anywhere. Ah, and that pain was more than I could bear. So I took a razor and cut into my left arm, trying to stop the pain and end my life. In the back of the room I could feel the blood drain from my face because while I had lived through that with her for over 23 years, we hadn't really talked about it. Have you ever been hijacked by a bad memory?

Oh yes.

Only my 30 years of stress management training kept me from just crawling into a corner and bawling my eyes out. Stephanie continued her talk with, "It wasn't my only attempt. There were others, but outside of getting professional help, I've never really talked about it, not even with Mom. Mom and I talked around it. It was too awkward, too painful, easy to avoid. We had the other talks. Yeah, we had the talk about sex, and Mom and I had the talk about drugs, and we had the talk about alcohol. And then I went to college on a dry campus. Heather, that means the kegs were hidden in the showers of the girls' dorm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

I am sure.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yes. Right.

Oh.

Nice.

Right.

Oh, all of the above. And, you know, like you, my talks over the years from, you know, when I started with my oldest down to how I have the talk now with my youngest, these talks look very different than— with Connor, I don't know about you, but the oldest, you're so nervous. You don't know what to say, right? You don't know how to approach things. You don't know if you're supposed to be talking about them or not, or if it's the right age to be talking about these things. Is it too early? Is it too late? Is it too much information? Is it not enough? And then, right? And then by my youngest and everything that we've been through in our house, He's basically had the talk in like 1,000 ways, right? All of these talks, because all of these topics have been discussed in some way, right? Because it's just now part of the discussion. And that's, I'm really curious when you say having the talk, what is your recommendation? How does a parent who, you know, perhaps this is their oldest child or this is their first time doing this, How does the parent approach this? Because it is scary.

Oh, okay. Sure, sure. Okay.

I would be delighted to.

Yes.

I haven't. Will you tell me about it?

Okay.

Yes, I do have a story, several. Yes, I have.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, so many. Uh, my biggest reasons, my husband and my kids. This beautiful life. There's just too much, too much beauty and too much that I am passionate and curious about. Oh my goodness. I think I'm making this harder than it's supposed to be. Just being here. I guess, right? You can't do it wrong. There's just— just being here. Just, just that it's a gift.

You're welcome.

And it's all available for free on the website.

I love that. What happens, right, is Yes, it is. It's extraordinary. So yes, I'd like to learn how this— how these things correlate. Right. Right. Wow, less than 5 minutes, right?

Cool.

Yes.

Really? That makes total sense.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

That is so cool, and I love science. I really love science, and that is— I mean, that is the coolest science that I've heard in a while.

That is so cool.

Right.

Right.

That is really extraordinary.

Wow. Yep.

Correct. Right.

Now.

Ah, baby. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I love that.

Wow. Sure, sure.

Wow, that is extraordinary.

Yeah.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Sure.

Mhm. Good. Absolutely.

Sure.

Sure. Yeah, the worst. Yes. Right. What?

Right.

Right. Right.

Yeah, sure, right.

Right. Yes, right.

Wow!

Right.

Right. Right. Mhm.

Right.

I mean, it's, it's actually brilliant. It really is, because I mean, I've heard— I'm sure that you have heard so many stories since you started this society, but oh, My goodness, I'm just sitting here thinking like the number of lives that I can think of off the top of my head and, and the number of kids that I know that just having this conversation and, and I think for parents taking the scariness out of it, just like we have these conversations about all the other things that you named, right? And, and they don't have to be big formal conversations. You took the formality out of it. Right? You made it an actual conversation, not a lecture.

Right. Right.

Amazing. I mean, really so cool. Well done. I mean, really well done. Just so, how long? I just want to like quick. I have a quick, just, I'm curious how long that you have, you and your daughter have been doing this. How long is? Okay.

Okay.

Right.

Wow!

Congratulations!

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Right.

Yes. Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

That's right.

Right.

I'm so glad you said that because I'm sure there are many people listening who are thinking, you know, what if I do screw this up? What if I do say the wrong thing? So thank you for saying that and letting us all know that this is kind of mistake-proof.

Right.

And that is a huge myth that parents are very afraid of. Yes. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yep.

Right.

Right. Whoa, no, we are not. So how do we do that?

Okay. Hmm.

That's so cool. You really have. You abs— it is so cool. I have to tell, you know, everyone out there, please, please, please, if you do nothing else, go check out this website because it is— I mean, Jackie's not kidding, it is absolutely full of so many amazing resources. And I will tell you that I saw— Jackie showed me right before we started this, the moving— the live vision board. It's so cool, and I'm going to create one for myself as soon as we get finished today because who can't use a little Positivity and visual positivity, because it's one thing to like, you know, try to remember to like do positive self-talk and, and counteract whenever you have a negative thought, you know, the, all these techniques that we have, right? It's exhausting. I mean, the, the fact that I could like be able to push a button during my workday and, and watch this beautiful vision board that's gonna shift my mindset. Is the coolest thing ever, and I just love, I love the science behind it. It's so amazing. So, yes, everyone go, go, go. You have to go check this out. Yep. Wow. Okay. Yes. Run, run, don't walk, right? Or click, click, click, click, click. That's right.

Right.

All right, it is time, and this is— you have made it so easy for every single one of us to be part of this mission. This isn't just, oh, what a great story to hear. This is, oh, I can actually do something. It's not hard at all. Yes, yes, it is an easy yes, and it is, as you all witnessed, less than 5 minutes. It's not a big time ask. It's not, it's not It's not a big ask at all, and it can make an extraordinary difference. So I am just so thrilled. And I, you know, we didn't even touch on how this really relates specifically, but I think everyone listening knows we've talked so much about the relationship with just how suicidal thoughts, ideation, attempt is all so much more prevalent in the LGBTQ community. And boy. Well, yes. Different.

Yep. Yep.

Right, right. Right.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yep.

You are absolutely right. You are absolutely right. And I just one more thing that I have noticed with all of this that I just want to say out loud because I'm wondering if anybody else has recognized this is that When you ask me, have you ever thought about it? I think that every human being, like you referenced Freud, which love him or hate him, brilliant, right? Is you, if you're being honest with yourself, every single person has thought of it at some point in their life, right? So that instantly makes this very personal, very relatable, and also takes a little bit of that fear out of it. Like, I don't know how to approach this, because all of a sudden you're feeling like, well, I've been there, or— right? So then you can talk about it so much easier. I just think that was— that's such an— to me, that was like such a like, oh yeah, this is A no-brainer, right?

Right.

Yep.

Right.

Exactly.

I mean, wow. I just have to say wow, and I am so delighted that you have— you were on my show and that you were a part of, a part of all of our lives and have shared this. Just, it is such critical information. And thank you. Thank you for all the work that you have done and for fighting through all of this and for figuring these things out, because this was no small task that you took on. And just 2 and a half years ago, it's not like this is— you've been doing this for 15 years. 2 and a half years, everyone. Amazing. Oh, sorry.

Cap. Right.

That's exciting. All right. Well, to be continued. I think we have to, we have to hear how this happens. So this is so exciting. I am. I mean, I'm excited for you. I am grateful for you. And I am really, really— I feel honored that I can now be part of this advocacy. So thank you for coming on here and sharing with all of us today. And just before we end, is there anything else you'd like to, to add? Thank you, Jackie.