Heather Hester walks through Stage 1 of the coming-out process, when a child experiences identity or orientation confusion. She uses the Cass Identity Model to explain common feelings like shame and isolation, shares stories about her son Connor, and offers parents guidance on how to respond.
Chapters
Welcome back, my friends. I am so happy to share a few minutes of your day with you. Thank you. So many topics were swirling around in my head for today. As I was writing and planning and researching, I realized that several of the topics were small pieces of a greater topic that I have been wanting to circle back to for a long time. The coming out process for your child, and the coming out process for you. Since the original episodes on this topic were episodes 2 and 4, and they were a basic overview, I thought it would be helpful to do some episodes where we take a deeper look at each stage within the processes. So today we're going to kick it off with the coming out process for your child. Stage 1. I'm guessing you are a lot like Steve and I were and had no idea that there was a process. And if you did, I'm super crazy impressed. Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors and most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life-enhancing things we've learned on this journey. We knew immediately after Connor came out that we needed some guidance and significant education outside of individual therapy. So we reached out to our local youth and family services agency. And from the first moment Steve and I met with Kate, who was on staff as a therapist and LGBTQ advocate and educator, we felt like this incredible an incredible weight had been lifted. She met us where we were, which, as you know, was a bit frenetic and loaded with a million questions. She helped us begin to organize our thoughts and work through the layers of feelings, and her warmth and compassion were exactly what the two of us needed. We were so raw and wired, and at times almost teetering that line of sanity. The comfort of her self-expression and sharing of her life experiences gave us confidence that she knew exactly what she was talking about. She has since then supported both of us separately as we've had our own experiences and within each of the transformations, and she has supported us as a couple. One of the most valuable things that Steve and I learned from Kate in those first few weeks after Connor came out was the coming out process. Similar to my stunned realizations as I read, "Mom, I'm gay," reading and learning about the stages of coming out blew my mind. I was at once relieved, hopeful, and angry. I was relieved because understanding the stages answered so much of what Connor had experienced and was still experiencing at the time. I was hopeful because now we knew a little better how to support him and what resources to seek. And I was angry because how is this information not readily available? We had to jump through so many hoops and lose countless nights of sleep just to get to that point. So just to give you a little background, the coming out process or the stages of coming out are derived from the CAS Identity Model. It was originally created in 1979 by Vivian Cass, who was the first to treat gay and lesbian identity development as normal developmental stages as opposed to a mental health problem. And before those of you have, who have bisexual, transgender, or queer children get alarmed, know that in 1979 it was gay, lesbian, and identity. And as we all know, so much has shifted in the past 40+ years, thousands of studies and research, right, and vast, vast opening of minds have occurred, including more specific language. As I talk about it, I will use the updated language to accurately reflect where we are now. Even with all that has been realized and established, though, most experts agree that this model is still incredibly accurate for describing and understanding what a person experiences when they come out. So take a moment, grab a notebook, because you will definitely use this as a reference going forward. Stage 1 is identity and/or orientation confusion. In this initial phase, your child begins to realize that they are different from their peers. And this causes a wide range of thoughts and emotions from shock to amazement to fear. The thoughts, the feelings, the attractions are beginning to surface with insistence. They are unwavering. With persistence. Meaning continuing in spite of difficulty or opposition, and with consistence, unchanging in nature over a period of time. In fact, these words—insistence, persistence, and consistence—are used in the Gender Affirmative Model, and I think they work really well for identity and orientation as well. So as our kids contemplate that big question, Who am I? They will cycle through wanting to reject the thoughts and the feelings, then denying the thoughts and the feelings, to potentially accepting them. Acceptance doesn't always happen in Stage 1 though, so just be aware of that as you are talking with your child or trying to ascertain where they are through their behaviors. This stage is internal, and you will likely have no idea that it is happening, especially if your child feels any fear or shame mixed into that. In real time, it can last months, even years. I mean, think about it. How many times will a thought or a feeling or an attraction come up and then be rejected, and then another? And it's rejected. That singular loop can go on for quite some time. That enormous question, "Who am I?" will likely just spin in their mind as they consider all of the possibilities they will reject and deny until they finally realize their personal truth. Can you imagine what a personal hell that has to be for them. Layer on top of that all of the possible external factors, and this is a recipe for self-loathing, isolation, shame, depression, anxiety, anger. The subsequent behaviors based on these feelings will likely be our only clue that something is going on. As you may recall, when Connor came out to us, he was a sophomore in high school. As he began sharing with us his journey up to that point, we learned that he began to realize he felt different from his friends in 7th grade. That's 3 years! He went through every single one of the above thoughts and feelings. Rejecting the idea, being terrified of the idea, denying the mere thought of being gay, feeling angry, loathing himself, and eventually isolating and suffering from depression. He mulled over these feelings over and over for 3 years. My heart still aches when I think about how alone he felt how hard he worked to put up the "everything's awesome" facade, and how scared he was to tell us. So to recap, stage 1 of the coming out process looks like this: asking, "Who am I?" Rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings, and attractions over and over until they reach some sort of acceptance. Feeling self-loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger, and isolation. And remember, this is almost completely internal. So what you need to look for are the behavioral clues from the feelings I just mentioned. If you happen to realize what is going on with your child in this stage, the best thing you can possibly do is to provide support and let them know how much they are loved unconditionally. Depending on where you live, you may need to keep an eye on concerning external factors. It will be hard, but it is vitally important that you wait for them to come out to you. Do not out them. This process is really, really important. Episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child, as well as the separate process for you, will be posting in the coming weeks. In the meantime, you can check out my course, Learning to Just Breathe, which will include accompanying weekly office hours to answer questions and help you process. Thank you so much for spending your day with me. Until next time.
