Heather Hester walks through Stage 2 of the Cass Identity Model, where people often feel isolated and wonder if their orientation is a phase. She covers what parents might notice, why representation and resisting book bans matter, and concrete ways to help: open-ended curiosity, self-care, and grief work.
Chapters
Welcome back, my friends. Thank you for sharing a few minutes of your day with me. So while today's topic is doing a deep dive on stage 2 of the coming out process, I first wanted to talk about, actually respond to, some of the emails and messages I've received from you all. If you've been listening for a while, you know that I rarely discuss politics or religion. My focus has solely been on our kids, ourselves, our families, and taking care of one another. In the past 5 to 7 years, I personally have evolved from a life of judgment and narrow-mindedness— can you say hello, fear and control, right?— to a belief system that respects the many beautiful differences that make up the humans on this planet. The human race is like a brilliantly colored, intricate piece of fabric. All of the threads signifying geography, culture, race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, and so, so much more, all woven together. There have been times in our global history that have seen more collective peace and beauty, but now is not one of them. What is happening now has been chronicled over and over throughout history. One group of people of a particular race, religion, geographic location, or all of the above believes that all other human beings should adhere to their belief system, that they are in some way superior or divinely chosen, or both. And when all other human beings push back, we're seeing it right now. Power, control, hate, ugliness, ugliness, violence, All take over. I know so many of you are scared and rightfully angry. I am too. But just like we fight with every fiber of our beings for our kids, we can use that fire to fight what is going on all across the United States. There are loud voices who are using the power they currently have to attempt control. But they are small in number and they can be defeated. We all just need to continue coming together and organizing our efforts, and in that we will find that the statistics are in fact true. A majority of our country has belief systems that are more aligned with ours, and they will stand up. The next part of this is very, very important. I have put together a long list of organizations and events of all sizes that we can join in to make stronger. It's on my Linktree, it's on my website, and I will continually update both of those as I learn of new ways that we can help. So moving on to today's topic, stage 2 of the coming out process. The more we understand, the better we can support our kids and loved ones. Knowing there is a process and understanding how to recognize behaviors, and most of all, knowing how to support your child where they are in this process is absolutely one of the most life-enhancing things we've learned on this journey. As a quick recap, Stage 1 is identity and/or orientation confusion. Stage 1 of the coming out process looks like this: asking, "Who am I?" Rejecting and denying all thoughts, feelings, and attractions over and over. Until they reach some sort of acceptance. Feeling self-loathing, shame, depression, anxiety, anger, and isolation. And remember, Stage 1 is almost completely internal, so what you need to look for are the behavioral clues from the above feelings. Stage 2 of the Cass Identity Model is Identity and/or orientation comparison. In this stage, our kids begin to wrap their heads around the possibility. They have moved from the denial of Stage 1 and are becoming acutely aware of and are beginning to acknowledge themselves the truth of their realizations. I really don't like the word different, but that is the number one word kids use to describe how they feel. Connor included. Because of this, feelings of isolation and alienation are common, especially if they are afraid to tell us or don't have any peers who are or seem to be experiencing the same realizations. This is one of the many reasons it is so very important that our kids can see characters like them in the books they read and in the movies and TV shows and other media that they consume. This is why we fight book banning. They will also still wonder if it's just a phase. I think it may be even more accurate to say that they hope it's just a phase. Remember, this is still likely all internal. They have not told anyone yet. They are taking note of all of the dialogue around them. One of the potential many thoughts is, "Maybe this is this phase thing that some people keep talking about." Finally, in this stage, they will look for an explanation. "Why?" is a huge, huge question. They may also want to start learning about sexual orientation and gender identity. Depending on their age, they may begin to look into LGBTQ community resources. If they are out, it is important to encourage them to talk about the loss of heterosexual life expectations. Allow them to grieve the change in their movie reel. Working through the many feelings and changes will allow them to move forward in a positive way. Since it is common that your child will experience this stage before they come out, it is important for you to know that you can walk back with them to this space and encourage them to talk through the many thoughts and feelings that they may have just stuffed down. The sooner they are able to do that, the the more clarity they will have. I know it is hard to see all of this when you are so close to everything that is going on, and coming out is not a smooth, linear process. Give yourself the gift of a little space so you can more easily see where your child is. Any break from the intensity will work. Walk, meditation, a drive in silence, or with your favorite music blasting, whatever helps you ground. If you feel stuck and you don't know what to say, remember, open-ended curiosity is the very, very best way to go. At the end of the day, our kids just want to know that we love them. And that we have their back no matter what. Episodes on the rest of the stages of the coming out process for your child, as well as the separate process for you, will be posting in the coming weeks. In the meantime, remember to check out my Linktree and my website for information on the ways that you can get involved. For more personal support, check out my course course, Learning to Just Breathe. I will have office hours starting very, very soon, and I look forward to seeing you there. Until next time.
