The Power of Self-Awareness in Parenting with Maureen Spielman

That's nice. Maureen, thank you so much for being with us here today. I am really excited to have this conversation with you and just to have you share your really beautiful story and share with everyone what it is that you do, because I think that, um, Everyone listening will really be interested.

Ah, thank you. Thank you so much for having me today, Heather Hester. Well, I'm a conscious parenting coach. I often call myself a conscious life coach because I think most of the skills in parenting pertain to our life as well. We can use them as overall life skills, and I got into the field just a few years ago, but after I'd say a long period of time. My, my former career was speech-language pathologist, and, you know, I worked in children's hospitals and outpatient centers helping kids with speech and language. And then I took many years off to raise my own 3 children. And when I went back to work, I thought, what do I really want to do? And I went down the coaching path, tried a couple programs, and they weren't really speaking to me yet. And then I found Dr. Shefali Tsabary's Conscious Parenting Institute, and I knew that it was for me. It was just going to be perfect for me, and spent almost half a year in the virtual classroom list or learning from Dr. Shefali. And so she's been my teacher in terms of the conscious parenting, and then just going down the path of soul care coaching and just diving deeper all the time into how we can form intimate connections with ourselves in order to really serve and support the people around us too. But just this idea that even though this is called conscious parenting, that it really begins looking inward and taking care of ourselves and meeting our own needs first. So that's kind of how I got started and I just love the work and I think it's a great partner for what you, you know, your work is.

It absolutely is. And I think that's such a— it's hard. I'm watching because we're both smiling as you say that, because we know how hard it is to make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. Yeah. Right. And so I'm wondering if we could actually talk about that a little bit before we talk about the parenting piece, because I think that Often, especially if we're in any kind of crisis with our kids or our families, um, or ourselves, it's very difficult to kind of stop and pull ourselves out of that and think, okay, what do I need to do first? Like, how do, how do I care for myself so that I can then care for those around me and be more calm in this, this crisis? Or whatever is going on.

Yeah, I hear you, and it's so, so important, as we all know. And, and time is limited, we feel stressed, and so sometimes it's even hard to find the time. But I think first I'll say that the way that I think I used to think of self-care was along the lines of— in this, and this is certainly is— but being able to have a few moments alone or take a walk or be with a friend or just any kind of a walk in nature, let's say. And those are really self-care, um, principles for sure. And what I've learned through the work is that it's a process. When I sit down with a client and they come to me sort of bearing all, like, these are all the things that are going on, I start to focus in on really a lot of emotional self-care. And so what that sort of looks like, it's, it's— I'm gonna just say a little bit about it, and it's gonna say, well, that doesn't seem like I can, you know, manage that. But what it is, it's a process that you can pull tools out of, but it's based on the premise that our emotions are here for us. So when we're feeling all the feels, And whether if it's the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the overwhelm, the resentment, the just flat-out fatigue sometimes, it's all there for us. And my teacher, Susie Lula, she has a class called the Emotional Messenger System, and it's the basis for a lot of what I talk about. And it's that, yeah, those emotions are here for you, but they're not just, I think when we were young, And this is the part of conscious parenting where our lineage does come in, how we were parented, and therefore, like, how do we show up with a child in front of us? There is sort of like a— there's a deconstructing of a lot of that. But just in terms of our emotional worlds, like, learning that our bodies are this intelligence system, and so what's coming up for us is here for us to take a look at. And say, thank you for being here. And it's signaling you to something that's underneath. So there's some unmet need. And I think that that's such a part of the self-care is like, what, what, what is really my unmet need here? In my anger, am I feeling, you know, disconnected? Am I feeling— I'm like, I'm not being heard. I'm not being seen. That's an emotional. That's an emotional need. Anxiety, I feel uncertain about it. I need to connect with somebody. So there's this like whole learning process, like when I do my work, but just in, you know, just in general, just for the listeners to know, everything that's coming to you is material for you that's actually kind of like gold. It's like a gift and it doesn't feel like it in the moment, But it's there to, you know, unlayer. I don't want to say unwrap because sometimes it doesn't feel like a gift, but to unlayer and say like, what do I need? Because so often as parents too, especially if it's like a crisis, we just go to the side. We just, you know, we're the last person we take care of. I'm sure you've addressed that before. And so, you know, creating this quiet space for this kind of introspection. And then, you know, the work too is learning to replace the voices that may have been judgmental, or we had an underlying shame, and just replace that with a newer sort of upgraded compassionate way of being with ourselves. Because, you know, we've all been indoctrinated into the ways in which we're not enough or we did something wrong or we didn't show up for our child in the right way. And then those voices can really take us down. So a retraining of coming to ourselves, self-care with compassion.

Right. Because that so easily loops if you're not aware and it just becomes the messaging that is constantly rolling in your subconscious.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I think one of the, one of the first things I remember learning this, and I think this is so common, especially for parents who are of our age group, um, the, the Gen Xers out there that, um, we were never kind of, we were never taught to be self-aware. Right, to, to, to look inward for an answer, right? It was always looking out outside of us. There's got to be the answer out there. If even if we slowed down to do that, but oftentimes we didn't slow down for even that. So I think I, what I love so much about, about your work and about what you're talking about is this whole, um, such a great tool of being self-aware, of being aware of your emotions and not being afraid of them. Because I think that's the other thing is that any emotion that is perceived to be a negative emotion, like fear or anger or overwhelm, is just go away, right? Like, that's the instant, like, I just don't want to feel that. So you don't feel it. But I love that You know, you're talking about leaning into that really, right? Like taking that deep breath and being like, okay, okay, anger.

Yeah.

Why are you here? What are you trying to tell me? What am I, what do I need to learn? That's hard.

That's really hard. Yeah. And when you're sharing, I'm thinking of, you know, when we have that, that when our, the world around us seems like it's falling apart, that taking, it's so essential for us to take up space during that time. I don't know if you found that for yourself. And it's one of the hardest things to do. And it reminds me too, just like the smallest tool of self-care is related to just what you said. Like I need a timeout myself and just to remove, if there's a situation that's escalating and, it is calling to be diffused in some way. Sometimes walking away and saying, I need that time to myself and mom's going to— and you know what? And model self-care too. I think if we can say we need space for ourselves.

I need a minute.

Yeah.

That was one of the best lessons that I learned, that it not only to do that for myself, but that it was okay to do that.

Yeah.

Like not only okay, but like encouraged, right? That when you're in those moments to be like, you know what, I just, instead of trying to find the perfect response or not having the perfect response and flying off the handle. Right.

Right.

So to, when you're in those moments, just to be like, I need 5 minutes.

Yeah. Let me, mm-hmm.

To whether it's walk away, go lock yourself in the bathroom for a minute, go scream in a pillow, go take a quick walk around the block. Right. Whatever it is, whatever you need. But to do that. Yeah, because then that also allows, whether it's your child or your partner or whomever, them the space to take a breath.

Mm-hmm. I'm remembering a time even when one of my children was young and being in the car with them, they were like a little, like probably 5 or 6, and they were screaming. And you're, I was so like, uh, supercharged and probably put into fight or flight, and me just being in the car and screaming my head off and not knowing, like, remembering at that time in my life, I had no tools, I had nothing, I had no— and that's where, you know, we do take a look at like, oh, how, how did I grow up? I grew up really suppressed. I grew up more authoritative, more disciplinarian household, you know, and that— and, and I knew that I greatly wanted to change it, but I I didn't have any way to kind of learn how to deal with the emotions. And I think I had a therapist, but I think with the parenting stuff, it's just so hard. We can name it. It's really hard. And there's so many components to it. And even though the things we're saying may seem like low-hanging fruit, simple, they're really big in terms of that awareness and taking the initial steps to say, I'm going to step out and take care of myself. And it's gonna, as you build upon that, that's where it has that positive ripple effect, I think. And we all start somewhere. I mean, and I think where, you know, your listeners, all parents, where we find ourselves at is just where we're supposed to be. And if we can honor and bless that and just know that that's fine, I think that there's part of this work. It's just like, hey, let's make an agreement. That we're gonna take away as much as possible the self-judgment and the self, you know, any sort of blame. 'Cause it's not, like I said, it's not the easiest to be a parent.

No, no, my gosh. And this is not, I mean, one of my bigger things is this is not about shoulding on yourself or, you know, looking back and being like, oh, I should have done these 12 things and I am such a bad parent for, right? Bad parent.

Just the shaming and the revisionist. Yeah. Like going back, I should have back then. What if I would have? That's all would have turned out differently.

Oh my goodness. I mean, and that does absolutely no good. In fact, it does harm. So being able to be gentle and just start today, one small thing today, one positive thing that you can do for yourself today. Right. And just the, the past is the past and it is, it informs us.

Mm-hmm.

But we don't have to be defined by it.

Yeah. So, mm-hmm.

I think that that is just, it's, while it does seem like this is a small and simple thing, I also think it's, it is hard because when you do first step into the whole idea of being aware of yourself and your needs. That's hard.

It is. And I, and I, what's coming to mind too is that sometimes we have to put down the stories that we have, and they can be the stories about how we show up as parents. And if, if we don't show up in a certain way, then they're not going to listen. Or, you know, sometimes we take a look at that. They might be stories about our child. Well, they've always been like this, or this is how they're showing up in the relationship. But I'm a big believer that when we get to the basics of— we all want to be connected with our children. We all— that's at the basis. We all want that. They want that with us. And so, you know, how can we kind of come together and meet in the middle so we both feel heard and we both feel seen. But the underlying, really the biggest cornerstone of the conscious parenting is connection. And it's, we were talking about that a little bit before we started, but that I think there is a lot of, with Dr. Shefali's work for sure, but a present moment awareness. And you know, it's not that like, oh, you need to be a big meditator, you need to know exactly what that means or how to be in the present moment. However, it is calling us to be present. And, you know, really, like, different kind of principles of conscious parenting around— are around non-hierarchical. We were— most of us were cultured where the parent was the hierarchy, definitely the generation before that. And there was, I think, there were in the ethers, there was a lot of like, oh, you can't be friends with your children. Like, there's all these kind of things put on it. But I mean, but does your child wanting to be connected to you, could that look like being friends? Probably. And is that a bad thing? Probably not. So, but I was gonna say too, and I know it's, it's a nuts and bolts of your work, is just like that child in front of you is their own sovereign being. They are in their unique spirit and Getting— I think at the end of the day, it's just we all want to be honored for who we truly are. And I think going down the conscious parenting and the work you're doing too, so parallel, is the beauty of it is your child gets to, you know, be exalted in the process. But so do you. So do you. I think that it's that journey of self-discovery that it's almost a gift that's for ourselves as much it is for them.

Absolutely. Oh my goodness. Absolutely. And I think too, I mean, what I have seen and, and my kids, and I'm, I'm sure you've seen the same thing. They see it, they realize, and now they're, you know, all old enough, you know, my older one, oldest ones for sure will comment on just the growth that's occurred. Right. And do you remember 10 years ago you would have done this, but now you do this, you know?

Yes.

And that's. Humbling and also it's awesome and humbling at the same time. Right. But, um, it is such a, the, the way that it shifts your relationship and that the connection into something that is so much more authentic.

Mm-hmm.

Um, and I think also gives you that permission, just both of you to just be human. Because I think a lot of what we've done to ourselves, and again, is something we've learned from prior generations, is that the parent is supposed to be perfect. We're not supposed to make mistakes. We're not, you know, here are all the list of rules for being a parent, right?

Well, and no one ever really taught us anything necessarily around parenting. So we're all, you know, it was all by modeling whatever we saw. And I just think that where we are in, you know, this time in history, there's so much that's being called to be, to let's go back and look at it. Is there a better way? Is there, you know, a more upgraded way? And especially today, we see a lot of kids requiring, you know, they need more from us right now, but it's rewriting the rules. It's kind of going back and allowing ourselves to question, is this really working for me anymore?

Right, right. And I also think the fact that And I'm sure this is, you know, very debatable, and there are a lot of different ways to look at this, but one thing that I do hear so much and people question is, you know, why are, you know, specific to my work, why are kids coming out earlier? Why does this seem like it's such a bigger thing now? And you could say that about a lot of different, different things, right? But I don't think it's that any more kids are coming out now than were perhaps 30 years ago, it's just, it's in a lot of places, in some places and in some homes, it is much more safe, right? And just as far as the media they're consuming, it is more modeled for them, right? They see or they're starting to see representation. So there is that, that model where they are feeling like, oh, okay. So it's not that it's any more it's just, right?

That's, that's beautiful. Yep.

And it, and it asks us, you know, we have, it gives us the option of, you know, making that shift into parenting more consciously, of being more aware of this human being who is completely separate from us, right? We are here to like get them safely to flown.

Yes, yes. And I, I don't know if you were speaking— I feel like you spoke to it in one of the podcasts, but this whole idea— and Dr. Shefali, she can just riff on this one— but that, you know, we had a fantasy about what parenting was going to be. And gosh, maybe even childbirth, but certainly marriage, right? And that it was all this fantasy and the white dress and the— and whatever it was for people. And like the happily ever after, or that your child's gonna do all these things, but then we start going down the path and, and that's really not how life is. And that's okay. We were just— my mom always used to say we were sold a bill of goods. It's an older saying, but I, I always think that because, right, it's— we never know what's around the corner and we can't always be prepared. But like we're saying, the more self-care, the more we do this work, the better we're going to come to it, the better, right, prepared we're going to be. That, that is true, I believe.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think to the, um, the whole being present thing, I, I do— I know that the people find that to be difficult just in, in general, right? That is a difficult— because we're going in a million directions all the time, that, that is something that our present world makes it very difficult for us to remain present in the moment. But the thing that I have found to be very helpful for me, and that has been helpful for clients of mine, is, um, the work around validating, because that requires you to really stay present and listen and to respond in a way that's not just repeating, but Really understanding what's going on. Um, so that's been a huge, an incredibly helpful tool for me in a million ways, but, um, definitely to being present.

I love it because, um, the validating is, is such a skill of listening to what someone has to say and then repeating back what you're hearing is I think what I understand and, and the predecessor for that for me. Is always that sacred listening. So letting go my agenda and what I need to get from somebody and just create an open space with no— it doesn't matter if nothing comes, but that's the safety you're talking about, right? If they can enter in and have space held for them around, um, just like, oh, wait, she doesn't want anything from me, dad doesn't need anything from me, it begins to transform. And that's what I was saying about it doesn't happen overnight. We know that it's a lot of deposits in the bank. But if we can be in the place— and you're such a, such a mentor for people around this— that it's going to be okay. I'm here to tell you, I'm here to like hold that space for you and hold that. And I'm not saying it's not going to be without its really uncomfortable times, but I'm going to hold that space for you, right?

Yes, exactly. And just— and I think holding space for that being uncomfortable, like that's hard and you can do it, right? Yeah. Um, I was thinking about it just this week, actually. I, I'm, we all continue to shift and grow and, and I have some shifting that I can feel going on right now for me. And it is incredibly uncomfortable and I keep just like sitting through it and I'm like, okay. Here it is, like, just, you know, doing, doing the breathing, doing, you know, the things that I know work for me. And now that I understand what's going on, and I think that's, you know, half of it too, is understanding what's going on when you're like uncomfortable and you're like, what is this? Yes.

Yeah. And I know, and, and, you know, are there parts of you now or your former self that like, I know for me, one of my distractions to not feel the feelings, to call people and just stay busy because we've got, you know, people have different kind of numbing out ways that they can avoid the feelings. But when you truly, when I, when I truly have those moments and I'll go and just like sit in a chair in my front room or just try to just be with it, it's uncomfortable because for most of us we've been putting that stuff down. And so, um, yeah, it's a, it's a process. But even even if it can be 30 seconds, right? Or like just becoming more aware because like you're saying, you're— that's self-care. That's even being in the discomfort. That's taking care of what your needs are.

Yeah, right. Exactly. And it's such a— it is such a gift to be able to do that and to not feel shame around taking care of yourself. Yeah, because there's that whole piece too, right? And so I think that, you know, that's how I— one of my biggest things that I just want everyone to know is to take that time. You are absolutely 100% worth it.

Yeah.

And, and the dividends are endless.

Absolutely. Yeah. And it just— I think about you and your community that you're building, that's been building for a while, and just leaning into the support and listen, listen. I really feel like that. Listen to the messages, listen to what you want to surround yourself with.

Right, right.

I think that's really important. Mm-hmm.

So important because it is so easy to get caught up in the negative messaging. That is very loud right now and can be discouraging at, at the least, right?

Yeah, I know. And I'm just to add, I remember years ago someone told me I had gone through a health journey and they said, why don't people instead of saying this diagnosis prognosis, why don't they say like name of the diagnosis plus success stories? So it just reminded me of like, that's like almost where the first, with a medical thing, it's always like, oh, what's the worst case scenario? And it's like, let's reach for the best case scenario. What could this look like? And I just always remember that because that is, and I've seen others after me do that. And it's like, no, no, no. Stay away from that. Just, we wanna find you the resources that are the most, you know, resourceful, replenishing, nourishing, and that are just gonna support you.

Exactly, exactly. Yes, neither one of us wanna be the WebMD of what we do.

No.

Exactly. No. My daughter is a big WebMD and I'm like, stop going on there because it literally will tell you 10 ways you're gonna die from like, pink eye or something, you know what I mean?

Oh yeah, I've got some good ones too.

Oh my goodness. So I would love to talk really quickly about, um, really how people can— I know you're doing some just amazing things, first of all with your podcast, and then second of all with your business. And I would love for everyone to, to know how they can find you.

Yeah, thank you. Well, I have my Maureen Spielman coaching business where I do one-on-one coaching, and that's a great joy of mine. You can find me at maureenspielman.com, on Instagram @maureenspielman. And yeah, you were an inspiration. You were the one of the first people that was— came into my world. We didn't know each other at all when I thought about starting a podcast. It's called Mystical Sisterhood. Just began it in January. And you know, if your listeners want to tap into that, it's— the premise of it is joy, healing, and community. And so my vision is just pulling in a lot of different healers, intuitives, and courageous souls that are doing the work. And we've got a few, I think two in particular, episodes on parenting so far. One on parenting your adult children and one in really attuning to your children that I highly recommend. But, um, yeah, that's been a lot of fun. And that's Mystical Sisterhood on all podcast platforms.

It's beautiful. It really is beautiful. You have done such an amazing job with it, and especially for just putting it out there in the world.

I mean, Thank you.

So just, I highly, highly recommend it, and all of this information will be in my show notes and, um, you know, out on social media and all of that.

So, uh, thank you.

We'll all be able to find Maureen, and just, uh, I do, as you add different podcasts to your, your playlist, definitely add Maureen's because Thank you. That's a good one.

It's been fun.

You know, sometimes you need one that's like just fills your soul and that's, that's what it is.

So thanks.

Yeah, of course. Well, thank you so much for being with me today. I really so glad we got to do this and I loved, loved chatting with you.

Yes. Thank you, Heather Hester Hester. It's been a pleasure.