Unapologetically Me with Katie Miller – Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen Episode | 62

Welcome to Just Breathe. I am so happy that you are with me today. I have a really interesting guest and I'm so excited to share her with you and share her mission with you and her brand new podcast, which is really fun and one that we all can relate to. It is called Adulting sucks, but does not have to, which I love. And that's awesome. So I want you to know a little bit about Katie before we start. She has some very interesting thoughts and she says, what if there was a place where you could just be yourself, a place where you could speak your truth, be heard without judgment and be surrounded by love. Katie knows what it was like to be afraid to speak up, to give voice to what she felt and who she was. This new podcast, Adulting Sucks But Does Not Have To, was created to poke fun at being an adult and to find the fun in everyday things, and sometimes to be used as a safe place where one can speak their truth. So I'm really excited to have Katie on today so we can talk about her podcast and talk about some other things as well, because we— there's a little crossover here that I think everyone will find fun and interesting. So without further ado, Katie, welcome to the show.

Thank you so much, Heather. That was so sweet of you to say all that.

Well, you're welcome. Of course, I mean it. It's— I You know, well, first of all, your bio is beautiful. And so it's— you made it quite easy. And just, you know, being able to talk to you when we spoke a couple of weeks ago, um, and then listening to your podcast, it's just— I love your energy and I love what you're doing. So thank you for agreeing to, to be here today and to share that with all of my listeners.

Well, I greatly appreciate being here, and thank you for all that you are doing, um, with the LGBTQ and forgive me any other letter that I cannot think of at the moment, um, because it's expanded so much from when— okay, over 20 years ago when I was in high school. Yes.

Yes, it has. It is. It's wonderful. And I do clearly feel very passionately about what I do. And, you know, to speaking to what you do, it's important to, for everyone to have their voice heard, right? And so that's what we're trying to do is just encourage, encourage everyone to let their voices be heard.

That and also how to listen without that instant knee-jerk reaction. To say the whatever comes out of your mouth before you have a chance to think.

Mm. Yeah, that is almost more important because that's a really hard skill, isn't it?

It is a very hard skill. And I know from personal experience, and especially with, um, the best example I can get is when I was in high school, I had 3 friends who came out to their parents. And all three were disowned and kicked out of their house while they were still in high school. Oh gosh. Um, I had several friends who waited till after they were 21 before they told their parents because they were afraid of the exact same response.

Sure, sure.

And for me, I'm letter number 3. I bisexual. And my mom still doesn't quite understand everything about it because I've been married for 22 years to my husband, right? And the fact that that part of me is kind of smaller, you know, I'm now speaking up about it and holding space for people who just have things they need to share.

Thank you. Thank you for doing that. That took a lot of courage. That takes a lot of courage to do that.

It does, but it also feels very freeing.

Yes, it does.

Knowing that you also have a safe place where someone can express what they feel and feel safe talking about it is also absolutely fabulous.

It is. And you're— one of the things that you are doing for everyone is removing the need to have a box, right? To have a specific— this, I fit right here, right?

Yes. And nothing in nature is duplicated. Nothing in nature is perfect.

Correct.

So why should we all match?

We can't. No.

And we are the best person for the job to be ourselves, because nobody else could do it.

I love that. Yes, yes, and yes. And the minute that you begin to step into that, being you, embracing— a friend of mine always says, you're your you-ness. It's a funny word. It's not really a word. She made it up, but you know, it makes total sense, right? Because it's like embracing all those things that make you, you, and, and loving every single one of them. That is the magic.

It is. And it was doing the interview with one of my sisters that we both made the empowering decision that we were going to be unapologetically me. So she's going to be her and I'm going to be me. And if someone doesn't like it, they're allowed their own opinion, they're allowed their own judgments, they can set their own expectations, but that doesn't mean I have to meet their judgments, opinions, and expectations. I just have to meet my own.

Right, right. And that right there, I think we could end the interview right there. Okay, we're done because that was beautiful. That is exactly what— that's what we want, not only our kids to embrace and to, you know, step into and get used to, but all of us adults, wherever we are in our adulting land, to, right, to realize like, I'm all right. I like me. It doesn't matter if Joe Schmo down the street or on the other podcast or whatever doesn't like me. That doesn't matter.

That's true. And with everything being online now, it is so easy for someone to just take in the negative because the human is naturally negatively biased, because that's what the cavemen had to do to keep themselves safe, right? Is everything had to be a precaution.

Mm-hmm.

So with everything being online and the fact that people judge you from somewhere else in the world without even knowing you, right? You have to realize that that's them expressing their own worries, concerns, and insecurities, and you don't have to listen to it.

No, no. I mean, and I think remembering that that's about them not about you.

And it's very hard.

It is very hard to do that. It's very hard. It's very hard when it comes at you online. It's even harder when it comes at you from a loved one, a family member, a friend, because once that trust is broken even when my friends and their parents reconnected—

two of the three reconnected, the third one still has not heard from his parents, and it's been over 20 years— but for the two that connected, there's still a sense of not quite right because there is no way to reestablish that trust that they had, that they could talk to their parents without fear of quote-unquote being voted off the island, right?

Right. Well, it breaks that, um, in a lot of these cases, cases, the illusion of unconditional love, right?

Yes.

It cements that, oh, okay, definitely don't understand what that means. And, um, And that is a, a very difficult— I don't want to say impossible because I don't believe anything's impossible. It is a very difficult thing to reestablish and to repair.

It is, but it is possible. And that's why I have the— my rules of open space and a judgment-free zone. Because sometimes you need to know that, okay, what comes, what stays and happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? But in, in this case, you know, whatever's happening in the conversation, you know, take your time to process what it is that they're saying because you might not know what's going on when you're not in the same room with them. And that goes for parents with their kids too. I don't know what my son does at school. Right. And he's 18. Oh my gosh, prom is this weekend.

Oh, oh goodness.

Um, so he's graduating this year and it's like I've got no idea what's going on in his world other than when he talks to me. But he knows that he could talk to me about absolutely anything and that I am not gonna immediately yell, scream, punish him, or whatever. Um, in fact, if anything, I usually make a smart comment to try and make him laugh because he's so stressed out about, oh my God, what if this is the one thing that's going to cause my mom to freak out, right?

Right.

Okay, he was, uh, with the— had a girlfriend for about 3 years. He came home from school and was really down. I could tell something was wrong, and he said that he had something he had to tell me, but he didn't know how I was going to react. And my first response was, "You're home safe. You're not bleeding. You know I love you. Anything else we'll handle." Right. And he goes, Mom, we broke up. My first thought was, oh my gosh, I remember how devastating that was when I was a teenager.

Right.

And tried hard not to laugh. So instead of doing what I remember my mom doing about don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea, blah, blah, blah.

Right.

I looked at him and asked, what can I do? Right. Do you want to talk about it? Let me listen. Do you want advice or do you need me to go to the store and buy breakup ice cream?

Exactly.

And he just laughed, rolled his eyes and said, I just need some time. I'll talk to you later. I'm like, okay, let me know if you want the ice cream. I'll go to the store. He's like, whatever, mom.

Right. Oh my gosh. But the, what you, that was such a gift that you gave him because you just, all of that stress and all of that, like, You just removed it. Yeah, right.

So he could just process what he was going through, and he had options on how to process that.

Exactly, exactly.

That's the one thing that when we are in a state of stress or negative energy, negative thoughts or whatever, we lose sight of options.

Mm-hmm.

And so just by, you know, showing that there's more than one option helps people get out of a funk.

Absolutely.

Things that I do with the Teen Suicide Prevention Society.

Yes, well, that is a very good segue. Thank you, because I'd like to talk about that a little bit more. So just a quick— for my listeners, A lot of you have probably listened to the episode with Jackie, and Katie is Jackie's daughter, and she is the co-founder of the Teen Suicide Prevention Society as well as the assistant director, correct?

Yes.

Yes. So I would love to know, yes, so much more about this because, of course, I found the Talks That Save Lives to be So fascinating. And, you know, I've shared it with, with my kids and just has, you know, created some very interesting conversations in our house, which is wonderful. And so I'd love to just hear your thoughts on that.

Well, I'll give a little bit of history first. Okay. I'm the oldest of 3 girls, and my mom is Jackie Simmons, and my middle sister Stephanie gave a 7-minute talk at a seminar that Jackie was teaching. And in that 7 minutes, Stephanie not only talked about her first suicide attempt at the age of 13, but the several suicide attempts over the next decade or so. Uh, so needless to say, Mom's face turned white and tried to process everything while everyone in the room was congratulating Stephanie because of her bravery, and that she still finds joy in living every day even if she does have a suicidal thought that goes through her mind. And she wanted to get those tools into the hands of teenagers before they needed them. That talk is what launched the mission. So it's myself, both of my sisters, and my mom who founded the Teen Suicide Prevention Society. And we have a book, two books, a book that was re-released recently called Make It a Great Day: The Choice Is Yours. And it's just a bunch of short stories from people who had a bad day but was able to find the good in it.

Love that.

And then for anyone who's listened to my mom Jackie's interview, they know about how she worked on creating the talk that saves lives that naturally works with the teenage brain, right?

Which is absolutely so fascinating and And I found it to be not only make it that much easier to just have conversations because, you know, as we know, you know, you can build something up to be like a big conversation, right?

Right.

Or you can have just in conversation talking and, and her approach and her suggestions and what you all are doing. Really lends to the, let's just have a conversation. Let's just, you know, and, and I have used that on all of my kids, you know, give me one reason why you'd stay here. Like the whole building the neural pathways in the brain that do not allow that to, I mean, it is extraordinary and it's so phenomenal because every time I, now they know what I'm doing and they're like, oh, would you knock it off?

It's always funny when they catch on.

Oh yeah.

But for me, I use it with, um, hey, there's this script that I need to practice for my certification to be an advocate for living. Do you mind if I practice with you? Absolutely. Okay. Normally I'd wait 24 hours and schedule an appointment to do the talk, but I'm going to go ahead and go with it because we're all here now. Right. Which is, have you heard about the rise of teen suicide in the past 2 years?

Yes, I have.

Do you know anyone who has tried or died? Yes. Have you ever thought of leaving that way?

Yes.

What are your reasons for staying?

Well, now it's my family and my work and my friends, and I have a million reasons now. At the time, um, it was when I was a teenager. So at the time it was my friends.

Thank you for sharing that. And not only have we helped create a buffer between you and any ledge in your life because of mirror neurons, It has helped me, and we just helped suicide-proof your entire audience. Woo-hoo!

Virtual high five to us. Virtual high five.

You know, it's creating evidence showing that you are capable, right? And even if you say, for example, one of my reasons for staying is because I have not seen a unicorn yet.

I love that.

And it doesn't matter. One of the other advocates that I worked with, he always said that it's because he didn't have a Lamborghini and hadn't met— I think it was Sharon Stone or something. He's—

oh my goodness, he's of that age.

He's of that age. Um, you know, and even though it was like he was poking fun at it, It still works.

Well, that's the greatest thing about it. I mean, I think to your point of I haven't seen a unicorn is that's the greatest thing because it really— you can pick anything. Yeah, your brain is extraordinary.

It is. And the more you practice or have the talks, you're taking energy away from the negative, right? And using that to Thick it, embrace, reinforce this new positive belief that you are capable, creative, and resourceful enough to figure out anything.

Yes, say that over and over. That should be on like a Post-it note by your— like on your bathroom mirror.

Well, mine is 'Just Bee' because I want to be just me and nobody else. Um, I like that. Yes, I I do have a journal where it starts out with, I am capable, creative, and resourceful enough to get what I want. And I know this is true because—

I love that.

And then I write down, you know, I try to write 4 a day. I'm not perfect, so I don't always get them down. And then when I'm having a bad day or feel incredibly overwhelmed, I know that I can pick up my journal and read that I am capable, creative, and resourceful enough to get what I want, and I know this is true because— and then here's my list of evidence. And that takes all of the energy from that negative and just wraps another thread around. I know that I am right, and soon some of my limiting beliefs completely disappeared.

Oh, that is really great. So that is really like another form of a gratitude journal. But it is a very specific way and in a different way of doing it, but similar but different. I really like that because I think sometimes it almost makes it easier to wrap your head around what you're— I think sometimes when you're doing— I've been doing a gratitude journal for years and there are days where I'm like, it's hard to get specific or it's hard to kind of tap into that. You know, for whatever reason. And I like this, using this as another option, because it kind of comes at it from a different angle.

It does. And it's actually part of a weekly workshop that Jackie and I teach called How to Bust Your Limiting Beliefs. And we walk through this 4-step process, just like The Talk to Prevent Suicide, right, is 4 questions. Yeah, this is a 4-step process that helps take what you want, recognize what the limiting belief is, what are, you know, what are the reasons coming up as to why you don't have what you want, and then the process to find the empowering decision and then list your evidence.

That is awesome. And you teach this on a weekly basis?

Every Wednesday at 3:30 PM Eastern. Most of the time it's Jackie with me doing support, but I've taught it myself when she's gone on— she actually took vacation this year, so I actually got to teach it all by myself. Well, with one of my— one of the other messengers. We taught it while she was out of town, and we were told that more people had fun when we were doing it. So, haha, Mom.

So take that. So take that. Oh my goodness, that is so funny. Okay, so how do people sign up for this? Oops, there we go. You froze for one minute. How do people sign up for this?

I can get the link for you so we can put it in the show notes for them.

I would love that, thank you.

Because I don't remember what the redirect is for the link for registration, but it's free. It doesn't cost anything. You can come one time and never come back, or you can come every week just for the support as you work through your limiting belief and, you know, find out that you are capable.

I love that. That is really great. I love how all of these kind of work together. They weave, weave together. It's really, really phenomenal.

And we found that everything that we did for the Teen Suicide Prevention Society helped us realize that we didn't want to be an intervention. You know, looking for signs is looking for trouble. We wanted to be as far upstream as we could to make sure that everybody knew about this, which is why we have The Talks That Save Lives and why we're doing How to Bust Your Limiting Beliefs.

That is phenomenal.

Everyone needs to have something to help them find the joy in staying every day.

Well, absolutely. And, you know, one of the things that I like about The Talks That Save Lives and this as well is that it's not for one certain age group.

Oh no, we do this with everybody.

Yeah. And that's really cool because a lot of times things are very much geared for, you know, teenagers or young adults or Gen Xers.

And no, we, we had, um, one of the students for Advocates for Living, um, had the conversation with her son when she realized he was having a very, very, very bad day. And even though she couldn't remember all the questions, she told us that she remembered enough that she found out that he was having a very difficult time and was able to help get him the help that he needed. So we know that it works.

Yeah, yeah. So not just scientifically proven, but evidence-proven. Yes, which is awesome.

And that's just another piece of evidence that I have in my list of evidence that I am capable, creative, and resourceful enough to do what I want, right, which is to create a safe space for people to speak their message without fear and to listen without judgment and to have a response based on love. Those are the rules of my podcast, and I ask them of my guests, and I ask them of my audience. And if you are not willing to abide, then Thank you for your time. No hard feelings, right?

Right. Well, it is, it is a lovely place to listen, learn, and it helps build up that I, I can do this too. I can, I can be like this in the world. This is how I'd like to be in the world. So I think that you are doing just a beautiful service for everyone, and I just really encourage all of my listeners to listen and put this on your list of podcasts to tune into. How often do you publish new episodes?

Well, I did have to take a 2-month break because I was helping with the several virtual 3-day events back to back. It was a little crazy there for a while, but it is on my list for the next episode to drop at the end of the month, and then it's going to go back to the every other week.

Okay, so just like Just Breathe, every other week, which is awesome. And I will put all places that You can be found in the show notes as well, so people can just add that. But you have some, you know, back episodes as well so people can get started.

Yes.

And by the time they get caught up, you'll have some new stuff out there.

So, um, and I would like to include in the show notes, um, the Why Not Workbook. Yes, this is the workbook that we created so you can do The Talk That Saves Lives for yourself. Oh, that's so— you don't even have to practice with anyone else. It's a free download PDF, and you can just work on— if you don't want to share with anyone else, that's fine. You know, this is still a way that you can get the benefit of it.

Thank you so much. That is really powerful. That is— I thank you, thank you. And I will also not only have this in the show notes, but I am in the process of launching a page on my website that will be— I haven't decided on the name for it yet, but essentially a toolkit.

Oh, wow.

And so this will live on there as well, and just try to get it— you know, we want to get these things to as many people as possible.

So thank you for helping share that. That is fabulous.

It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. You are doing really important work, and You know, I think that's, that's what we do is we help each other get our messages out there, right? And connect.

And I'm going to get all teary-eyed here. Oh, I'm gonna poke fun at myself. I'm getting a little teary-eyed here. You're allowed.

I cry in almost every episode. It's okay.

Your generosity with your time and with helping share this message is breathtaking to me. And it feels very safe to share with you, and I am very grateful for that. And I just wanted to say thank you.

Well, you're welcome. Now you're gonna make me cry.

We can get some ice cream afterwards.

Can we have crying ice cream? See, I do the same thing you do. It's a tense or an emotional moment, I'd be— I'd say something funny. Humor is a beautiful thing. Goodness gracious. Thank you very, very much. That is, you know, my— what I aim to do and what I try very— that's just— these are very important things to me. So thank you. Thank you. That was not very articulate, but I think you know what I mean.

Thank you is thank you and can be expressed in several different ways.

I just want to give you a hug.

I know, right?

Okay, we're virtual hugging everybody. Um, so, oh my goodness. Well, I think this is just a beautiful way to, to close for today and Before, before I do close though, is there anything else that you would like to, um, to say to end with? The floor is yours.

Take a deep breath. It'll slow down your heart rate. It'll help clear your mind and let you see that there is always another option. Thank you. Thank you.