Why Niceness Isn’t Enough: Choosing Kindness, Courage & Allyship in a World That Needs All Three

In today's episode, we're going to discuss kindness as a disruptor and a healing force. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave kids, and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. In this episode of More Human, More Kind, you'll discover how to recognize when niceness is causing harm, even when it feels polite or well-intentioned, what courageous kindness looks like in everyday situations, including real-life examples that show the power of speaking up, not smoothing over, and how to build your kindness muscle so you can act with clarity, compassion, and conviction, especially in moments that call for allyship and accountability. Today, we're diving deeper into a conversation that resonated powerfully with so many of you: the difference between being nice and being kind. After I released the original episode a few months ago, I received so many messages emails and stories from listeners who said things like, "I never thought about it that way," or, "Oh my gosh, that is totally it. That's what I've been feeling, but I didn't know how to name it." So today I wanna go a little bit further, a little bit deeper. Let's look at what happens after we choose niceness. Or after we choose kindness. I want to talk about the emotional labor of kindness, the real-world implications, and how these choices play out in our everyday lives, especially when it comes to allyship and justice. Kindness isn't always easy or pretty. It may not be what the supposed cool kids would do. Sometimes it's messy. Sometimes it disrupts, but ultimately and always it heals. Let's start with this truth. Niceness often preserves comfort, but what is the cost of that? Think about, for example, a school principal who removes LGBTQ+ books from the library after a few parent complaints. No big announcement, just gone. On the surface, it may look quote unquote nice, avoiding conflict, staying neutral, kind of. But underneath, that quiet removal sends a loud message that queer stories are dangerous. That these identities don't belong, that erasure is easier than education. This is the aftermath of niceness. It delays discomfort but deepens harm. It protects those in power rather than those who are vulnerable. Kindness, in contrast, is active. It asks something of us, sometimes everything. Author Lovie Ajay-Jones says, "Being quiet is comfortable. Keeping things the way they've been is comfortable. And all comfort has done is maintain the status quo." True kindness challenges the status quo. It asks us to be present, to speak up, to show up. It's holding someone accountable for something they said they would do or wouldn't do, even when that someone is in a powerful position. It's calling out a friend when they cross a line. It's creating a boundary in a relationship as an act of love. An act of kindness. Kindness costs something: energy, vulnerability, sometimes relationships. But it builds something in return: trust, safety, transformation. Let's talk about kindness as a disruption. Sometimes kindness doesn't feel kind at all. It feels like confrontation, like speaking your truth, like making waves. Think about a nurse, for instance, who insists on using a transgender patient's correct pronouns, even when the hospital system hasn't caught up. That's not about being nice. It's about being kind. It's about affirming someone's humanity in a system that erases them. Or think about a bystander who steps in when someone is being profiled or harassed. They don't stay silent. They speak, they record, they intervene. That's disruptive. And that's kind. As Princeton professor Imani Perry says, kindness is not passive. It is rooted in a recognition of our interdependence and our shared need for dignity. Kindness can look like protest, like confrontation, like breaking with politeness in service of something bigger. On a collective level, Kindness means telling the truth, even when it's inconvenient. It's a teacher including LGBTQ+ and racial justice topics in their classroom, even when laws or community pressure say otherwise. It's a company quietly funding mutual aid or advocating for inclusive policies. Even when it's not trending. Let's talk about some real-time examples just from this year alone, from 2025. Let's talk about book bans and school boards. The example of nice would be, I can see both sides. The example of kind in this situation is, these books can save a life. We need more of them. With regard to Pride Month marketing, being nice is seeing rainbow logos in June. Being kind is year-round support, employee protections, donations to LGBTQ+ organizations, and the active daily practice of allyship. And with regard to social media activism, being nice is a quote repost. Being kind, a deep dive into privilege, an uncomfortable but necessary post, a call to action. These are moments of collective kindness. They're not always visible. They're often unglamorous, but they are the work. So let's bring this back to you. Ask yourself, where am I prioritizing comfort over courage? Where does my silence protect privilege? What does kindness look like in my real everyday life? And when was the last time I chose kindness, even though it was hard? What did it cost me and what did it change? If you feel brave, I'd love to hear your story. You can DM me on Instagram, email me through the website, or even send a voice memo. I may share a few on a future episode. Not only do we learn from each other's stories, hearing the actions and bravery of others helps us to be courageous. So now it's time for this week's Listener Query. I recently began this segment as a way to answer the most common and sometimes not so common questions I receive from you. Consider this your official invitation to reach out with your most burning LGBTQ-related question. This week's question is, what is a drag queen and how is that different from being transgender? A drag queen is typically a performer, one who dresses in elaborate feminine clothing and makeup as a form of self-expression. Of entertainment and art. Drag queens may perform in shows. They may lip sync to music, tell jokes, read stories, and raise money for charities. In general, they just embody a larger-than-life persona. The key here is that drag is a performance art, and the person wearing the costume is doing so for entertainment purposes. Or even possibly for making a statement, and it's usually part of a specific character or a specific stage persona. Transgender, on the other hand, refers to someone whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. For example, a transgender woman is someone who was assigned male at birth but identifies and lives as a woman. Being transgender is a deeply personal experience related to gender identity, how someone feels and experiences their gender on the inside. The big difference is that drag is a temporary external performance or external expression of gender, while being transgender is about your gender identity which is an internal experience. It's about who you are, not necessarily how you present yourself to the world. So just to quickly sum that up, drag queens are performers who dress in drag as part of their act, regardless of their gender identity. And transgender people are those whose gender identity doesn't align with the sex they were assigned at birth. And this is an intrinsic part of who they are. I hope this makes it more clear. Here are a few places you can practice real disruptive kindness today, and I will put these in the show notes as well. The Trevor Project, you know, that's one of my absolute favorites. They provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth. Showing Up for Racial Justice organizes white people for racial and economic justice. RAICES, R-A-I-C-E-S, supports immigrants and asylum seekers with legal aid and advocacy. The Okra Project nourishes Black trans people through meals and support. And GLSEN, G-L-S-E-N, advocates for inclusive and safe schools for LGBTQ+ youth. So these are just 5 of my absolute favorites. I will again put those in the show notes for you. Remember that kindness is a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger and more human we become. Niceness is about comfort. Kindness is about courage. It's truth over ease, dignity over convenience, and healing over harmony. If nothing else, I hope you walk away with these 3 takeaways. 1, niceness prioritizes comfort and often upholds the status quo, especially in systems of injustice. 2, kindness is rooted in dignity, truth, and courage. It may feel uncomfortable, but it creates space for healing, inclusion, and change. And 3, in both personal and collective spaces, kindness often looks like disruption, advocacy, and standing firmly in our values. You now have a deeper understanding of how kindness is not just an emotional soft skill. It's a transformative force. It asks more of us, but it also offers more in return. It's not about being agreeable. It's about being real, about being brave, and about being in service of a better world. When you choose kindness over niceness, you're not just making a personal decision. You're sending a ripple through your family, your community, and even society as a whole. You're saying, I will not let fear or politeness silence me. I will act with courage. I will protect what Matters. In a world that often rewards niceness, it's the kind ones, the disruptors, the truth tellers, the bridge builders who change everything. Keep choosing that path. Keep becoming more human, more kind. Thank you for being here today. Remember, there are new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure you follow or subscribe so you don't miss a single one. If you've ever been curious about what your Ally Type says about how you show up in the world, take the quiz linked in the show notes to find out your Ally Superpower. Until next time, stay brave, stay kind, and keep becoming.