Why Setting Boundaries With Non-Affirming Relatives Is Vital for LGBTQ Kids’ Mental Health

¡Hola! Today we're going to talk about how to navigate family gatherings and hold boundaries with kindness. Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast helping parents of LGBTQ+ kids move from fear to fierce allyship and feel less alone and more informed so you can protect what matters, raise brave and spark collective change. I'm Heather Hester. Let's get started. Welcome to More Human, More Kind. I'm Heather Hester, and I'm really glad you're here for today's conversation. It is one that I know will resonate with so many. This episode is dropping on the Friday of a holiday weekend in the US. One that is typically filled with barbecues and travel and time with friends and family. And while spending time with extended family can be delightful and fun, it can also be complicated, especially when you or your child are LGBTQ+ and not everyone in the room is affirming. Today we're talking about how to navigate those visits with strength and how to set and hold boundaries, model allyship, and protect your peace and your child's wellbeing, all while staying grounded in kindness. Here's what you'll take away from this episode: guidance for preparing your family, especially your LGBTQ+ child, for visits with non-affirming or complex relatives. Sample conversations and strategies for setting clear, compassionate boundaries that prioritize safety, and tools to care for your mental health during and after the visit, as well as strategies to stay aligned with your values in real time. So let's get into it. One of the most important foundational values of this podcast is that I have always done my best to approach each topic with vulnerability, truth, and love. Some topics are certainly easier than others to do that with. And this topic, the emotional landscape or minefield, depending on how it is for you, of family and family visits is probably the most complex for me. I have grown, learned and unlearned, grieved and healed, felt searing anger, and cried the most desperate and heartbroken tears. I know what it is to wish and hope for hearts to open, and then to finally let go of the version of that relationship that will never be. I have learned to walk a very fine line while also emerging into the most real and alive version of myself. I share all of this to say I know the deep pain and heartbreak of having non-affirming family members. But what I want you to really hear and receive from this episode is the joy and the freedom you can have by staying true and aligned with yourself and your child. There is nothing on this earth that even begins to touch the beauty, magic, and real messiness I have with my kids and my husband. And that is what I want for you too. So let's peel away these layers of wishes and what-ifs and acknowledge that family dynamics are rarely simple. And when someone in your family is LGBTQ+ and others aren't affirming, every single visit can feel like emotional tightrope walking. I'm sure you have your own versions of what this look like. Looks like, just as I do, but here are just a few examples. A grandparent using the wrong name or pronouns by accident. A cousin making an offhand joke that stings. An uncle launching into a political rant over dinner. A parent feeling torn between protecting their child and keeping the peace. Even if the behavior isn't overtly cruel, microaggressions, dismissiveness, or silence can still cause harm, especially to a young person who is still forming their identity and their self-worth. As a parent or ally, your presence matters more than anything. How you respond tells your child, "I've got you. You are not alone in this." And that changes everything. Planning ahead can turn a potentially volatile situation into a manageable one. So take note of one of the following actions you can take. 1, communicate boundaries in advance. Reach out to key relatives before the visit. You can frame it as an invitation to support and not a confrontation. You can say things like, we're really looking forward to seeing everyone. I want to give you a heads up that insert your child's name is using he/she/they pronouns and is most comfortable when those are respected. I know this might be new and I'm happy to talk through it, but this is non-negotiable. You can also set general boundaries such as, politics are off limits this weekend, no exceptions. And we'd like to avoid comments about appearance or identity. This includes comments about weight and the diet culture. And if anyone has questions, they can come to me, not my child. It's okay to be direct. In fact, it's better to be clear and direct to avoid being misunderstood. Boundaries aren't rude. They're relational tools. Before the visit, make a plan with your child. Talk about what to expect and how they would like to be supported. Discuss coping strategies like taking a moment and stepping outside, texting a friend, or come up with a code word the two of you can use for when they need a break. Offer options like, "If it doesn't feel good, we can leave early. You always have a choice." Let them know that their safety matters more than anyone's comfort. Now, once you're at the gathering, things may go smoothly or they may not. Here are some options of how to respond when tensions rise or when boundaries are crossed. When someone misgenders or uses the wrong name, your kind but firm response can be, "Actually, insert your child's name." "uses they/them pronouns now. Thanks for helping us support them." If it continues, you can say, "I've already shared this with you. Continuing to ignore it isn't okay." It is rarely possible to educate everyone in the moment. In fact, you can offer resources and facts, but it is on each individual to be curious, Accept the offered information and ask for more. Your immediate goal is clarity and protection. If politics, religion, or discriminatory comments surface, you can interrupt gently and say, "We're not going there today." Or you can change the subject and say, "Let's talk about something lighter." And if needed, you can excuse yourself or your child and say, we're gonna take a little breather and we'll be back. Model emotional regulation for your child. Your calm, being calm in the situation is a boundary. When others escalate, you don't have to join in. You can be direct and kind. Without getting pulled into the chaos. I recognize this is so much easier said than done, and it takes a lot of practice. I am still practicing this. Remember that you always have that miraculous tool of the pause and taking that deep breath, and that is sometimes the best way or the easiest way to return yourself to that place of calm. Once the visit ends, the emotional residue may linger. Here's how to support your child and yourself afterward. Ask them open questions like, how did that feel for you? Was there anything you wish had gone differently? What helped you feel grounded or calm? Affirm their feelings, even if they're upset, withdrawn, or exhausted. And then thank them for being brave. After hard visits, do something that reconnects you as a family. Watch a favorite show or a movie together. Go out for a favorite treat. Write a reflection together. And if you like affirmations, this is a good one to revisit: You are safe. You are loved. You are enough. And take care of yourself too. Journal about it. Call a friend. Or just take a break. You've held a lot. It is now time for our listener query segment. This is your official invitation to reach out with any question or myth or just further information that you would like to know that is LGBTQ+ related. These are ones that I've received over the years that I am sharing and look forward to hearing from you. Today's question is, please explain the difference between equality and equity. The terms equality and equity are often used interchangeably, but they mean very different things when it comes to social justice and fairness. Equality is about treating everyone the same. Regardless of their circumstances. It means providing everyone with the same resources, opportunities, or support. And while equality is really important, it doesn't always account for the differences in people's starting points. For example, if two people are trying to reach the same goal, but one has had more advantages or opportunities than the other, Equality alone doesn't help level the playing field. Equity, on the other hand, is about fairness and justice. It recognizes that different people start from different places and therefore need different resources or support to achieve the same outcome. Equity works to address systemic inequalities and provide people with what they specifically need to succeed. It's not about treating everyone the same. It's about treating everyone according to their needs. For example, in the workplace, equality might mean giving everyone the same training or resources, but equity might mean providing extra support to those who've been historically marginalized to ensure they have the same opportunities to succeed. Equity focuses on justice and fairness, while equality focuses on uniformity. Both are important in creating a fair and inclusive society, but equity recognizes that not everyone starts from the same place and that additional support is often necessary to achieve true equality. Circling back, here's what we covered today. How to prepare your child for potentially tricky family gatherings, sample conversations for holding boundaries in real time with strength and kindness, and how to care for yourself and your child after emotionally charged visits. Family visits can be a time and space for real connection when we enter those spaces with clear boundaries and curiosity. This is how we create opportunities for healing and modeling what allyship really looks like. You don't have to choose between kindness and protection. The most powerful kind of love is the kind that protects what matters with clarity. Thank you for being here today and for being open to approaching this complex topic. With vulnerability and with strength. In doing so, you show your child what fierce, grounded love looks like. New episodes air every Tuesday and Friday, so make sure you subscribe so you don't miss what's next. I am in the process of creating the Parenting with Pride companion journal, and I'd love to hear from you. Your valuable insights And feedback will help shape the journal's design, content, and create a meaningful resource for parents and allies. As a thank you, all survey participants will be entered into a raffle for a chance to win a $50 Amazon gift card. This optional survey is linked in the show notes. Until next time, wishing you beauty, beauty, beauty. Magic and messiness. And remember, your boundaries are love.