Relationships and Clutter: How to Create Healthy Boundaries | with Heather Aardema

It's the month of love. And I've noticed that the topic of relationships has been coming up a lot in my coaching sessions. Usually the sessions start out in this way. Somebody said something or did something or didn't do something or didn't say something and were upset. And so I thought it might be helpful to talk about relationships and a few tools that I use to help me so that I can stay on the lighter path when it comes to the relationships that are in my life. And so first off, the way I like to think of a relationship is a relationship is simply the thoughts that I have about another person. And so I have thoughts about my kids, I have thoughts about my dog, I have thoughts about my husband. Somebody might say, well, how's your relationship with your husband? I could say, oh, it's great. If my thoughts about my husband are great, they might ask, how's your relationship with their kids? And again, if my thoughts are really, if they feel good about my kids, then the relationship is good. So a relationship is simply the thoughts that we're having, the thoughts that we're choosing to have. Now, when those thoughts feel heavy, it's because we will have something that I call an operating manual for the other person. So an operating manual means that we believe the other person should behave in a different way so that we feel better. It's totally human. We all do this. And usually where we go into trouble or get into trouble is when we don't share the operating manual with the other person, when we keep it inside and we don't tell them. And instead we just get upset or angry when they behave in a way that doesn't feel right and light to us. And so getting curious about the operating manuals that you have that you have for others can be really helpful. Thinking through, asking yourself, what are my thoughts that I have about another person? Are those thoughts helpful? Are they serving me? Are they serving us? And would it make sense if I shared those thoughts with the other person that can help you? What else? Knowing your non negotiables and knowing your boundaries. And so a non negotiable is what you will tolerate. So this is the way I like to look at non negotiables and boundaries. And non negotiable is a clear understanding that you have on what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. A boundary is basically the following formula. It's you saying to somebody else, if you do this, I will then do that. I will then do this other thing. Often I will hear, somebody walked all over my boundaries or somebody overstepped my boundaries. And my response is that is kind of impossible. Because if we use my definition of a boundary, the emphasis is not so much on what the other person does, it's much more on how we respond. And if we don't, if we choose not to respond, then that's on us. And that's a good thing because that means we have the power, that means we have agency, that means that we can change how we're showing up. So again, a boundary is simply the following equation. If you do this, whatever that is, I will then do this. And if we stick to that, and if we honor what we originally decide, then I believe that boundaries can actually bring us closer. Another tool that I absolutely love is the work by Shirzad Shamin. And this tool is all about knowing your saboteurs. And saboteurs are mental patterns that you've practiced for decades. These mental patterns helped you, when you were a child, get through whatever it was that you were trying to get through. And today they actually are getting in the way of you showing up in your best light. And so Shirzad talks about the different saboteurs. And the way I use this tool is I know my own saboteurs. When I'm having an exchange with somebody else, and let's say we're struggling to come to an agreement, I get curious about what their saboteurs are as well. And so when I get curious about what their saboteurs are, it makes the argument much less personal. And I'm able to kind of step back, look at it from a more mature viewpoint. And I'm able to get to higher ground or lighter ground much more easily. In Shirzad's research, he came up with a number of saboteurs. And so I'm going to talk about these and see if any of these resonate with you. See if you recognize any of these in your own day to day living. The first one is the judge. And the judge is not nice. Constantly judging our own behavior or others constantly criticizing ourselves. And this can often lead to low self esteem. The avoider is always avoiding difficult situations and procrastinating. Then there's the controller who has the need to control everything and everyone. The hyperachiever has this excessive need to achieve and to perform. And I'll say that's one of my saboteurs is the hyperachiever. Another one of my saboteurs is the restless. And so the restless likes to jump from one thing to the next, gets bored easily, and has trouble getting focused. Another saboteur is the hyperrational, which is overly analytical and doesn't rely on emotions or intuition to move forward. The hypervigilant is constantly worried and thinking about possible threats. The pleaser is putting everybody else's needs in front of them. The stickler is clinging to past experiences and struggling to let go. And then the victim is constantly seeing yourself as being wronged by others. The victim is always blaming others as well. So those are the saboteurs. Think about them and think about which ones are most active in your mind. And then think about which ones are most active in your partner's mind, or your spouse's mind, or in your children's minds. So that the next time you come together and you are in an argument or you're having a conversation that feels like it's getting really, really heavy, pull back and ask yourself which are the saboteurs that are overly active within you and which ones are overly active in the other person? And again, by doing that, that will help you take things less personally and help you move forward in a way that is better for both of you. And when you do that, that is an example of living by design and not default. And that makes everything better. At least it makes life so much lighter. Thanks for watching. If this resonated with you, give us a like and share with friends who could use some lightness. Don't forget to follow our page for daily doses of living lighter. And remember, if it feels it's right.