Brian Johnson (Optimize +1 episode) introduces John Gottman’s concept of relational “bids” — small requests for attention, affection, humor, or support — and emphasizes the importance of “turning toward” rather than away. Johnson quotes Gottman’s text (from The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work), gives everyday examples (asking about butter, sending an encouraging text, offering a back rub), and cites Gottman’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds showing that partners who remained married responded to bids 86% of the time versus 33% for those who divorced. The episode closes with a brief call-to-action to notice bids and turn toward partners more often.
Questions this video answers
The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work.
Six-year follow-up.
Responded 86% of the time (still married) vs. 33% (divorced).
Chapters
Hi, this is Brian. Welcome back to another Optimize plus one. In our last plus one we talked about being efficient versus Effective efficiency. It's great for managing our time and completing tasks. Not so great for creating effective relationships with people. We also hammered our technology is the obstacle to presence theme. One more time. I promise to keep coming back to it. Today I want to chat about another big relationship idea I've been meaning to discuss. We're going to talk about the idea of bids. I'm pretty sure I learned about this from Dan Siegel. Enter Search of my Mac for bids. Oh wait. Actually I learned about this from the leading researcher on the science of effective marriages, John Gottman, who happens to be Dan Siegel's friend. In his great book the Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, Gottman tells us that we need to turn toward our partners and respond to their bids. Here's how he puts it. I quote Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued. During the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call bids for each other's attention, affection, humor or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, are we out of butter? And you answer, I don't know, let me go and get some just in case. Instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward rather than away now turning toward our partner instead of away from them. Godman tells us that our partners are always making bids for our attention. Whether we accept their invitation to connect or not is one of the greatest predictors of the longevity of our relationship. Get this Gottman did a six year follow up study of newlyweds for those who were still married. The partners responded to each other's bids 86% of the time. For those who got divorced, they only responded 33% of the time. So today's plus one. How's your bid math? Let's pay attention and see if we can notice some more bids. And of course, remember to turn toward our partners a little more today.
