Brian Johnson explains John Gottman's research on relationship bids: small requests for attention, affection, or support. Couples who stayed married turned toward bids at much higher rates than those who divorced, according to a six-year Gottman study. Noticing and responding to more bids predicts whether relationships last.
Questions this episode answers
86% response rate.
33% response rate.
Six years (follow-up of newlyweds).
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Hi, this is Brian. Welcome back to another Optimize plus one. In our last plus one we talked about being efficient versus Effective efficiency. It's great for managing our time and completing tasks. Not so great for creating effective relationships with people. We also hammered our technology is the obstacle to presence theme. One more time. I promise to keep coming back to it. Today I want to chat about another big relationship idea I've been meaning to discuss. We're going to talk about the idea of bids. I'm pretty sure I learned about this from Dan Siegel. Enter Search of my Mac for bids. Oh wait. Actually I learned about this from the leading researcher on the science of effective marriages, John Gottman, who happens to be Dan Siegel's friend. In his great book the Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, Gottman tells us that we need to turn toward our partners and respond to their bids. Here's how he puts it. I quote Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued. During the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call bids for each other's attention, affection, humor or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help and carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle. When your partner asks, are we out of butter? And you answer, I don't know, let me go and get some just in case. Instead of shrugging apathetically, it grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward rather than away, now turning toward our partner instead of away from them. Godman tells us that our partners are always making bids for our attention. Whether we accept their invitation to connect or not is one of the greatest predictors of the longevity of our relationship. Get this Gottman did a six year follow up study of newlyweds for those who were still married. The partners responded to each other's bids 86% of the time. For those who got divorced, they only responded 33% of the time. So today's plus one. How's your bid math? Let's pay attention and see if we can notice some more bids. And of course, remember to turn toward our partners a little more today.
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Optymyze with Brian Johnson. To find out more, go to Optimize Me.
Hey guys, this is Brian with a quick little P.S. i'm really excited to let you know about an event we're working on. Plan is to make it the premier self optimizing event of 2020. We're calling it Optimize 2020. You the modern hero. Basic idea, five days, 101 world class luminaries. One million people. You can learn more and get your tickets to the online and offline event at Optimize Me 2020. Again, that's Optimize Me2020. Hope to see you there.
