Brian Johnson walks through five steps to repair a relationship after conflict: acknowledge what happened, name the feeling, apologize, commit to doing better, and reconnect physically. Dan Siegel says the speed of repair matters more than avoiding the fight in the first place.
Hi, this is Brian. Welcome back to another Optimize plus one. In our last plus one we chatted about the difference between falling in love and standing in love. It's easy to fall in love and it's considerably more challenging to stand in love. Whether we're talking about an intimate relationship with a significant other, a child, or a dear friend. So know this, we're going to inevitably run into conflict and challenges in our intimate relationships. That's a given. Today's plus one is a key practice for standing in love. The leading mindfulness and neuroscience and relationship expert Dan Siegel tells us that when something inevitably goes wrong in a relationship, we want to repair it as quickly as we can. One of the examples he uses to make his point is a story about a time when he, Mr. Mindfulness flipped his lid, turning off his prefrontal cortex and going full limbic lame yelling at one of his kids. And I laugh as I reflect on that as a it's always refreshing to see a world class teacher and practitioner humbly reminding us that no one is perfect. And B I very much know the feeling as the father of a very energetic four year old. So we have an interaction that we're not proud of. Then what? Then you repair the relationship as quickly as you can. Something like wow, I got really impatient or loud or whatever it is, I flipped my lid. I'm so sorry about that. And I can see what needs work. I just want you to know I'm sorry and that I love you and that I'm committed to getting a little bit better at handling those challenging moments in the future. Insert potential hug. We don't want those little micro moments of negativity to stew into jumbo resentments and unhealthy cauldrons of ick. So take a deep breath, drop into your heart, label the emotion, name it to tame it, practice some active love. Use whatever tool you need to do to regain your equanimity, and then repair today's plus one optimizing opportunity. Do you have any repairs waiting for you? Isn't it a bit odd that we went from math to science to history but somehow missed the class on how to live? For some wacky reason, optimal living 101 never made the schedule. Of course, it's too late to go back and change that and you're too busy to read full time to catch up. But if you're like us, you're all about optimizing your life so you can actualize your potential. So imagine this. Imagine having someone read the best books on how to optimize your life and pull out the big ideas that can really change your life. You know those sections you underline and asterisks and mark all up? Then imagine that guy me connecting those awesome ideas to other great books and helping you actually apply the wisdom to your life today. Well that's what I do with something we call Philosopher's Notes where I've distilled hundreds of great books into 20 minute super practical summaries. Then imagine me taking the absolute best big ideas from those great books and sharing them with you in hour long Optimal Living 101 classes on everything from productivity, purpose and confidence to nutrition, goal setting and conquering procrastination. Helping you optimize every facet of your life so you can actualize your potential. You've got a personal trainer. I'm kind of like your personal philosopher. Ancient wisdom, modern science and practical tools. That's what our optimized membership program is all about. If you're feeling it, we'd love to have you join us.
Heroic +1: What’s THE Most Creative Act in the Universe?: Turning Around Glitches (#2024)
