Brian Johnson explores love as a practiced skill, drawing on John Gottman's research showing that thriving couples maintain at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Johnson and his wife use a nightly ritual of naming five things they appreciate about each other, a practice he plans to extend to raising their children.
Questions this episode answers
90% plus accuracy (after watching couples interact for a matter of minutes).
At least five positive interactions to every one negative interaction (5:1).
You're listening to Optimize with Bryan Johnson. More Wisdom in Less Time this is a mini chapter from Brian's book A Philosopher's Notes. You can find it on Amazon.
That wraps up the section on courage. The next section is on love. Let's start with a few of my favorite quotes. Ralph Waldo Emerson tells us love is our highest word and the synonym for God. Leo Buscaglia tells us, if he desired to know about automobiles, he would without question study diligently about automobiles. If his wife desired to be a gourmet cook, she'd certainly study the art of cooking, perhaps even attending a cooking class. Yet it never seems as obvious to him that if he wants to live in love, he must spend at least as much time as the auto mechanic or the gourmet in studying love. Ayn Rand tells us, to say I love you, one must know first how to say the I. Albert Einstein says, from the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know that we are here for the sake of each other. Above all for those upon whose smile and well being our own happiness depends on, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day I realize how much my own outer and inner life is built upon the labors of my fellow men, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received. Krishna tells us, strive constantly to serve the welfare of the world. By devotion to selfless work, one attains the supreme goal of life. Do your work with the welfare of others always in mind. And finally, Marcus Aurelius tells us, let your one delight and refreshment be to pass from one service to the community to another, with God ever in mind. How awesome are those quotes? All right, so this section is on love. All the other stuff without love not worth a whole lot. Love starts with ourselves and needs to be approached like anything else we want to master with a lot of diligent studying and practicing. The first mini chapter to help us get our love on is called Five to one. The Magic Number of Love. John Gottman can bring a married couple into his lab and after watching them interact for a matter of minutes, can predict with 90% plus accuracy which whether they'll stay together or divorce. How's he do it? He measures the ratio of positive to negative interactions between the couple. Do they criticize one another or say something kind, move away from one another or touch each other lovingly? And he's found that couples that thrive have at least five positive interactions to every one negative interaction. Five to one. It's the magic number of love. Knowing this, my wife, Goddess Love and I have a little ritual. Basically every night before we go to bed, we swap appreciations with one another. At least five things we really appreciate about the other. From little things like I appreciate you making us green juice today to appreciating each other's top strengths. Alexander's are, for the record, playfulness, gratitude, creativity, hope and optimism. Curiosity, love of learning and wisdom. It's a really cool way to fall asleep and helps us make sure we're rocking the five to one. When we have kids, we're planning to play the appreciation game with them as we tuck them in good times. Here's to Love, Magic and P.S. speaking of appreciation, check this out. When you appreciate someone, their value appreciates. That's pretty cool.
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