Live Optimize Coach session (recorded April 8, 2021) where participant Nya asks Todd Herman how to let go of old narratives and step more fully into coaching. Herman distinguishes the "ordinary world" (outside-in, validation-driven) from an emerging, invited way of being; he recommends letting others self-select, unpacking desired coaching qualities, practicing question frameworks from Co-Active Coaching, using alter egos and a "mental movie theater" (round table of mentors) to disassociate and reframe, and leveraging one-on-one practice to build confidence and facilitation skills. Notable lines: Harvey Dorfman: "you're 100% going to lose friends over it," and practical emphasis on changing labels and integrated meaning (thought, emotion, physiology, social fabric).
Chapters
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As I'm releasing old narratives and working to build confidence in these spaces, to really step in to coaching or to be more intentional about that, what are some of the ways that I could really strengthen that and I guess let go of the grip of a lot of the old narratives. The voices of those things are so strong when they're rooted in, you know, validation from other people or contracts that already make you money. And it's, it's feeling like, you know, one. It's like one side is tested and one side is emerging. And so the side that's tested holds a lot of weight. And so what are, you know, how can I reinforce. It's like what I know in myself, my physiology of where I want to go when these, the other patterns and voices and validation are so strong on this other side as I'm testing, right. How I want to really step into what I feel has been my truth for a long time. And then of course, people don't know me like that, right. So they're invested in me. They want me to stay in these old patterns. So what are some of the ways that you might suggest going about that?
Okay, so when dealing with social rules that are being placed upon you from other people, I talk about this in chapter three of the book, where the ordinary world exists because we feel like it's ordinary, because I know it's not a full expression of how I want to be showing up in the world.
Exactly right.
And then. And one of the hallmarks of an ordinary world is it's very much an outside in approach to how we're existing. We're making decisions about, you know, how we're going to try and impress that person over there or what we need to do to conform to that group of people or whatever. And my job isn't to try to lead other people's lives for them. I look at my life as an invitation. I'm going to lead my life, how I'm going to lead it. And if someone wants to be invited into this party, they're more than welcome to come. And if they don't, then they're going to move away. One of the, I think, challenges that I had was this idea at the very beginning that if I spoke about this stuff early on, or if I worked on this stuff and if I had successes in my life, I might lose friends because of it. And then it wasn't until my coach, Harvey Dorfman, said to me, he's like, you think you're going to lose friends over this? You're 100% going to lose friends over it. But, you know, nature abhors the vacuum. It's going to invite other people in, right? And so now they're going to be different people who are probably going to like this new world that you're inviting in. So on the social side of things, just maybe starting to play with this idea of, I'm going to let them come up with their own conclusions, because we really think that a lot of people are spending a lot of time stacking us on their shelf in their life of where I sit, right? And they don't. They really don't. So. But on the other side is, have you sat down, Nya, and really unpacked? When you go into coach mode, so now you're in delivery mode with someone, what are the qualities that you most want to be bringing into that moment with you? What are the attributes that you bring to it? Now? You probably have them in some ways, sort of. They naturally are. Some of them are naturally expressing themselves. But if we only use natural expression, we're only ever going to become a meme to ourselves. Like, we need to constantly be pushing, like, exploring in a different way how it can be. So for me, one of my things that I had to really develop, and I'll give the head nod towards coactive coaching. The book as one of the best books I've ever read, I have it.
Yes, I've been. Yes, I've started it.
So here's the thing, though. The first edition is way better than the second edition. And the reason why is because the second edition they pulled out, they might have put it back in in subsequent reprintings. I haven't checked it lately. But the most valuable part of coactive coaching was actually the back reference material area where it gave you questions to learn to ask. Okay. I practiced those questions, like, in those different categories all the time. So I could become. Because we do we fall into traps or not traps, we fall into just, you know, a rut of we ask questions the same way over and over again. And so my point is, is like when I sat down and said, no, listen, like, the best coaching I've ever experienced was someone who had patience. So patience shows up in not accepting the problem that you just gave me. Questioning the problem.
Right.
Some of the, you know, a little. An early hallmark of an early coaches, someone gives them a problem and they help to go solve that problem. That's the hallmark of an early coach because you're accepting the frame right off the bat from the person. And I want to challenge the frame because I don't know if that's really the problem. I don't have enough material yet. I know it's. I know you think it's a problem. I want to question that problem. So.
So I can't even do that for myself. It's even questioning what I think maybe is actually my own stumbling block.
Yeah. And then so. And I. That's the power of the world of alter egos. Like where I sit back and I go, is the problem that this. That this Todd guy is dealing with right now in business, is that really the problem? And then I asked that question through the voice of Benjamin Franklin. So I'm sitting down in my mind, I have this whole mental movie theater that I go into. It's one of the things I teach. And so I've created this mental movie theater, and I have a round table in there, and I sit at that round table with all of my mentors sitting around it, and I pose questions to them. And when I find someone that I haven't that I'm not getting an answer back from, what that's assigned to for me internally is that I don't know that I've forgotten or I don't know that person as much as I thought I did. That's why it's so important to choose alter egos or mentors or models in our mind that we know intimately, that we love intimately. That's why I can't sell alter egos off of a shelf. Because who you are inspired by or connected to is different than me and Michael and J.T. and Maggie and other people. So questioning your own frames, that's where you truly become the coach of coaches. Because when you can coach yourself, you can disassociate from yourself. That's actually where you've also started. That's where it gives you the confidence now, too. Naia, where you've disassociated from even your own narrative, your own story, stuff that's happened to you in the past, too.
Yes. And that's. It's in that hamster wheel of old narratives is kind of where I'm at. And I guess it's even understanding that the people that have expectations on me, they. They have their own narratives. I mean, it's like I have the power and the choice to move myself out of it. It's almost like I don't even need to work out of, like, it doesn't even need to be hard. It's like an instantaneous. It's a decision.
Yeah.
That can take 10 years or 10 seconds.
Absolutely. Absolutely. It can. Like it's. And again, that's. We're. Human beings are not oak trees. An acorn will always grow into an oak tree. An oak tree will always be an oak tree. Human beings don't have to be victims forever. Yeah. They don't have to be a victim forever. That's where it's like, if I can change the label that you've got on you and I can pull that label off of you, or if I take the label that you do have already and we change the story and the meaning of that thing to you and it deeply integrates to your thinking, your emotion and your physicality, which then transforms into the social fabric that you work inside of. That's where I've had a powerful session with someone and I can do that now. Like, that's why I love the one on work. One on one work that I've done over the years. Because now when I get inside of group facilitation, I'm a unicorn. I know I am because it's the number one thing I get back. They're like, you just like, you spoke differently or you act. And I'm like, that's because I can still take the same frame of how I'd work with someone one on one and I can give you my full attention in this moment, Nya. And I'm not worried. I don't think about who else is on the call. It's how can I make this powerful for you in the moment? But my facilitation skills were all gifted to me from the one on one work that I spent with everyone else.
Yeah.
And I see it now. What it also does is it gives me the insight into like, because in one on one work, I know typically all the questions that are behind the question that are sitting there that you're not willing to say in a group environment. But I'll just cut right to it.
So powerful. Thank you. I mean, I'm not an oak tree. Done.
Yeah. Like, we're all transformative. We can change immediately in a second. Just like you said before.
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