A live coaching-session transcript from the Optimize Coach program in which Brian Johnson describes feeling resentful that his partner isn’t reciprocating his sustained self-work and supportive behaviors. James Pawelski responds by drawing on the Bhagavad Gita and Stoicism, advising focus on one’s duty and what one can control (actions, not others’ responses) and to relinquish attachment to expected outcomes.
The content you're about to hear was captured during a live coaching session in the Optimize Coach program. Multiple times every month. Coaches Connect Live with Brian, Michael, Alexandra and members of our world class luminary guest faculty for wisdom, guidance and encouragement for more head to Optimize Me coach.
Okay. I'm allowing my partner to do what they want to do. I'm giving them the nutrients. I'm trying to water them with things that I think that they want learning what's effective, what's not effective. And I'm also so committed to my own growth. And part of me is like, waiting for that day when they'll get how much effort I'm putting in and how much I'm sacrificed maybe isn't the right word, but how much work it is for me to not do kind of things and to do all this work on myself. It's like, well, at some point they'll get it. And I feel like I'm doing this with some sort of expectation or hope for reciprocation and maybe having a little bit of resentment about why isn't it? I've been at this for years. Like, when is my partner finally gonna come on board? How can we navigate that? Yeah.
So I think it's time for some more ancient wisdom. So it's a great, great, great question. And your question makes me think of the Bhagavad G. So here's a story of a warrior who is a reluctant warrior, and he's faced with a campaign that he's supposed to undertake, but he pulls back from it because he's concerned about the consequences, Right? And the Bhagavad Gita shares wisdom with him about the difference between doing what is right and being responsible for the consequences. We're always responsible for doing what's right, but we're not responsible for the consequences. That is to say, we're not responsible for how other people respond to that. Right? So in that context, there's a kind of a paradoxical move, I think, that is being asked of us so that we're invited to do, and that is to do what is our duty, to work on our own lives, to do the best that we can at hearing and supporting our partners or our friends or colleagues, whoever that is, and not. And giving up a sense of expectation about what that will do, that's not in our control. And so as the Stoics, as you well know, the Stoics very much emphasized, you know, focus on what you can control. You got to do that. Marcus Aurelius an emperor. He didn't say, well, I'm a stoic, therefore I'm not going to do anything. He said, I'm a stoic, therefore I'm going to be the best emperor I can possibly be, understanding that even an emperor doesn't control the universe. And so I'm going to do what the best that I know, and I will put that out there. I will certainly hope that there will be perhaps, you know, that this is what I would like and so forth. But I'm not going to have any kinds of expectations or attachments to or feel slighted or, you know, somehow angry with the universe if it doesn't come out the way I think it ought to come out.
We hope you enjoyed that. Part of a live coaching session from the Optimize Coach program. For more info, head to Optimize Me Coach.
