PNTV: Happy Together by Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and James Pawelski (#398)

Hi, this is Brian. Welcome back to Philosopher's Notes TV Today we've got another great book. In fact, we have one of my top 10 favorite books of all time. My number one relationship book, Happy Together. Happy Together by Susie and James Pawelski. Subtitle Using the science of positive Psychology to build love that Lasts. Now, I've been waiting a long time for a book that really captures the best of ancient wisdom, modern science and practical tools for relationships. And this book is it. Again, happy Together. So Susie and James Piwelski it is awesome as always. We've got a philosopher's note and we've got five big ideas we're going to cover here. I met James Piwelski through one of our Optimize Coach Class one graduates, Donna Hemmert. Thank you again for connecting us, Donna. Donna works with James and Larry King on an interview series they have called Positive Voices in which they chat with some of the world's leading luminaries on the science of flourishing, the science of happiness. And I was honored to be invited to chat with them. We have a link to the discussion. I actually did a first pass, but the Internet here out in the country wasn't great. So we're doing a second take on Thursday of this week as I film this. We've got a link to check it out. If you missed the live session, we'll have a link where you can check out the recorded version of it. I'm honored and excited to have that discussion. And when I heard about this book, I immediately got it. Alexandra might have immediately snagged it. She reads as much as I do, folks, and she loved it. I absolutely loved it and I'm excited to share some of my favorite ideas. So James very quickly is one of the world's leading thinkers in the positive psychology world and movement. He co founded the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program at the University of Pennsylvania with Martin Seligman. His wife, Susie is a graduate of that program. She's a freelance writer, wellness consultant. And together they wrote this great book. So it's great to have a couple share their wisdom who are two of the world's luminaries in the positive psychology world. And again, this is the first, first and only book that connects the science of flourishing with ancient wisdom to relationships, which, as you can imagine, is why I loved it so much. There was a choir of angels singing throughout my whole experience reading this book. I've been looking forward to doing this episode so long enough. Prelude if you haven't bought the book yet, get on that philosopher's notes 6 page PDF, 20 minute MP3. Check it out at Optimize me again. I've done hundreds and Hundreds. We have 600 plus philosopher's notes at this stage. This is now a top 10 recommended book and the number one book. If you're in a relationship or want to be in a relationship, this is the book to go to. First thing we need to know is that we're entering the relationship gym. Suzy and James are very clear the that they did not name this book and I'll actually read to you the alternative titles they did not select. They did not name this book 13 Steps to a blissful marriage or the complete guide to happily ever after or everything you need to know about romantic relationships because those would be naively misleading. That we can solve our relationships the same way we figure out how to cook a meatloaf. Not quite the way it works. And they make the really important point that we'll talk about throughout, throughout the throughout our discussion today that they don't use quite these words, but that it's easy to fall in love and it's much harder to stand in love, to choose to love and to grow in love. And that's what this book is all about. And we need to be willing to hit the relationship gym and do the hard work to cultivate the virtue to show up powerfully in our relationships. Now I mentioned in the note that they're huge fans of Aristotle. We're going to talk about him in a moment. When I thought about the relationship gym side of things, I thought about the fact that Aristotle's ancient Lyceum and Plato's Academy are often considered to be almost like a Harvard meets an Equinox. They were the premier academic institutions and a place where you got your physical well being on. So I playfully say, well, in this context it's kind of like a University of Pennsylvania, another iconic Ivy League school, meets in Equinox or pick out your favorite gym. We need to show up and do the hard work. But then James and Susie make the point that when you really get into it, the hard goes away and the work goes away and you realize that this is actually what gives you the most joy. And we talk about this a lot with Seneca, that we want to fortify our pertinacity right until our will to good becomes our disposition to good. We're doing what's most honorable for us is what we find most pleasurable. Imagine that that's the place we want to get to. And it's funny because I'M filming this on Labor Day. I call Labor Day Playbor Day. P L A Y B O R Playbor Day. Am I working or playing right now? And this morning, as I was reading this book and just filling myself up with wisdom I can bring into my relationship, was that work or was that play? When we get to a place, Abraham Maslow says, where we can dissolve the apparent dichotomies between work and play, then as another wise individual said, the master of the art of living makes no distinction between their work and their play, their leisure and their love, etc. And their labor, etc. So it's Playbor Day for me. I'm playing 365, folks. Let's go. Second idea is fantastic. The angels were singing particularly loudly in this section. Aristotelian lovers. So Aristotle in his ethics. And check out the Philosopher's note and Philosopher's Notes TV episode on his ethics. Because it forms the basis of basically everything we do together here at Optimize, we talk about the fact that optimize equals optimist equals best equals eudaimon equals equals hero. I've actually pulled this out of my pocket before, but I'll do it again. So the lanyard at our Optimize coach graduation literally says optimize equals. Let me see if I can get that right. Little twisted hanging out in the pocket. If you come to our Optimize coach graduation, you will get a lanyard to hang your name tag on. And it says optimize equals optimus. The Latin word for best equals eudaimon. That's what the Greeks said. The best version of us is a eudaimon. We'll talk about that more in a moment. Equals hero. So again, the whole basis of this book and of the positive psychology movement is on establishing the fact that the good life is one in which we high five our inner soul, as we playfully say yu daimon means good soul. And Aristotle in his ethics talks about what great relationships and the virtue driven relationships look like. It's not just pleasure, it's not just profit. It's this sense of coming together in support of one another, actualizing our potential. And that is what a great relationship is, is two individuals committed to actualizing their own potential and service to the world, coming together and flourishing together. This book could have been called Flourish Together because it's the Eudaimonic sense of happiness that Susie and James are committed to helping us integrate into our relationship. When we do that, they say we become Aristotelian lovers. Ah, so good again. We can juxtapose hedonic vis a vis eudaimonic in this context. And they use some pop culture to bring that point home.

In our world.

We've got this kind of overly romanticized ideal of the soulmate, right? And they talk about Jerry Maguire, you complete me. They say, all right, congratulations, Jerry. But I'm not sure that's going to lead to a really deep, sustainable, flourishing relationship unless you evolve in that. And they juxtapose that hedonic sense of passion with a deeper, grounded, more flourishing sense of eudaimonic passion, which will be captured in the movie as Good as It Gets, when the character played by Jack Nicholson, Nicholson, rather, says, you make me want to be a better man. You make me want to be a better human being. That's what a eudaimonically flourishing relationship looks like, where the two individuals come together in support of one another, becoming better individuals in support of serving the world in an honorable way. That's what an Aristotelian lover looks like in relationship looks like. Again, choir of angels were singing consistently throughout. Which leads us to the next idea. I might have skipped from the chapter in the beginning where Aristotle makes a cameo to the next point at which he makes a cameo in which Susie and James give one of the best overviews of the science of virtue I've ever read. So in addition to being the first and only book on positive psychology as applied to relationships, this is also one of the best books on the science of operationalizing our virtue, integrating ancient wisdom and modern science, which is why it's showing up in the top 10 of the all time pantheon. It's great for both of those purposes. Now, in the second part of that book, we revisit Aristotle and one of James Powelski's heroes, William James, arguably the father of modern American psychology, a great philosopher in his own regard, who was all about hitting the relationship gym. Now, again, if we want to optimize our relationships, we've got to be willing to put in the work. Now, William James has his ideas that James Powelski has adapted into this fun little acronym. Let's make sure we use the chalkboard today. Snap, right? This is James Powelski's take on William James. First we got snap, good acronym. We start strongly. You want to change your life and change your behaviors, obviously, which will lead to you changing your life and change your relationship behaviors. You need to start strongly, James tells us, make a public commitment. It's what I did recently with these. I committed to creating a philosopher's notes. TV Every single day for the 101 days plus leading to the new year, I'm doing plus ones every day. I made a public commitment. I do number ones where I share my aura data and what I'm learning and how I'm evolving every single day. And I made those commitments publicly because I knew I wanted to do it and I wanted to start strongly. It's the first part. Then the N is no exceptions. No exceptions. We capture this in the phrase 100% non negotiable. You say you're going to do it. The negotiation is over. Now, of course, we can integrate some wisdom from tiny habits here and all the discussions we've had around habit creation, but no exceptions. Paradoxically, it's a lot easier to go 100% than it is 99%, because that little whiny voice in your head is going to be negotiating with you. We want to turn that one off. Always act is our A. When you feel inspired to take that action, you take the action.

Always.

Boom. Fight through the times when you don't want to do it again, honoring the no exceptions rule. And then you practice exercising. Your will. And James Pawelski tells us you want to do things simply because they're hard. Paraphrasing William James. You do things simply because they're going to flex your will, because you don't.

Know when you're going to need that.

This is why I do Spartan races. I do Spartan races. I do all the little physical things I do every single day as an exercise of my will. I'm constantly practicing that. Then again, you do it right, and that's enjoyable. I'm not doing that reluctantly. I'm doing that joyfully, knowing that I'm cultivating my antifragile confidence in myself to handle whatever life throws at me. Snap. That's what we want to do as we practice our philosophy in general, and particularly with our relationships. Now check out the notes for more. And obviously check out the book for all the rest. But the things we want to practice include. Let's see if I can recall what the things are.

We want to practice.

Three good things. What was the first one?

I remember the other two. I'm not remembering the first one.

We want to practice. That's good. Super good. Oh, yeah.

Passion.

Of course we want to practice passion. But Susie and James make the great distinction between obsessive passion, which, again, is what our pop culture is constantly obsessively telling us. It's all about this obsessive passion versus harmonious passion. Great wisdom on that Then we want to cultivate positive emotions. They talk a lot about Barbara Fredrickson and her 10 positive emotions. Then we want to practice savoring in our relationships to lengthen and strengthen those positive emotions over an extended period of time. And of course, we want to practice our virtues, which leads us to the next Know thyself and know thy partner, two separate chapters in the book. And this is where Susie and James break down the science of virtue for us. And again, the whole positive psychology movement was founded on the foundation of virtues. We have our four cardinal virtues of wisdom, self, mastery, courage, and love. They frame it a slightly different way, but they have wisdom, courage, temperance is what they call it, justice and humanity is what they call love, and then transcendence. So they have their six virtues. They split up into 24 virtues, and they have a virtues in action test that if you have not taken yet, I highly recommend you take. We encourage you throughout our mastery series for our coach program, etc. Go to buildhappytogether.com, their website, and you'll find links to that. And again, James. Both James and Susie have been deeply involved in this scientific study of it. And we want to know our core virtues. They call them signature strengths. Five of them. And you want to know your partner's signature strengths. Then you come together and you help celebrate each other's signature strengths. You put your virtues into action together. They have a ton of practical exercises that we can put to work in the relationship gym from signature strengths, dates and conversations, et cetera. They're all awesome. So I ask you, do you know your signature strengths? Do you know your partner's signature strengths? My signature strengths for curious souls include creativity, hope, zest, purpose and kindness are five of my top signature strengths. Alexandra's. We just talked about this. We just had a date night. Thank you, Nama, for the date night out at the hotel. It was awesome, right? We were reading this book together, talking about our signature strengths. Hers include creativity. Now, Alexander and I share creativity. So do Susie and James as one of the top strengths. Now, we express them in different ways. Susie and James and me and Alexandra, but we all share. We share each of those. Each of us shares that particular virtue. So creativity for Alexandra, curiosity, love of learning, playfulness and perspective are her five top signature strengths. And I can see how she uses those. She's unbelievably, ferociously curious and she has a deep love of learning. Right. And the other thing that's cool about the strengths is we can see where friction points might come up and we can use these strengths to look at what challenges we might have in our relationship and go, oh, look, I personally have a lot of zest. I've got a lot of drive, I've got a lot of creativity. I can often spray my energy if I don't focus it on what's truly most important right now. So I've learned to discipline myself with that. Same with Alexandra. Curiosity, love of learning, creativity. We got to focus that energy. At times it overflows a bit. So as we know our gifts and our partner's gifts, we can help one another flourish. Because again, virtue is at the cornerstone of positive psychology, of eudaimonic joy. So we want to become nerds about it. They say. We say, you want to become a virtue connoisseur. Some people study fine wines. We study virtue. That's what it's all about at the end of the day if we want to be Aristotelian lovers. Know thyself and know thy partner. One final point there as I reflect in the note and we'll put a link to this below. We want to know our number one self care habit that keeps us in the game. Eating, moving, sleeping, what is it for you? And you want to know your partner's number one self care habit. Know thyself, know thy partner, Be happy together. And then the conclusion of the book is called Love is an Action Verb. And in that chapter, I'm just going to read to you what I have as the final big idea here. They encourage us to make a commitment. So they tell us. We invite you to join us in making a formal and public commitment to becoming Aristotelian lovers. We encourage you to tell your friends and family about your commitment to love the good in your partner and to support your partner in the continued development in that good and to work to become a better person yourself. I love that I'm all in. And every single morning, as you may know if you follow along, we have.

Our big three times two.

We help people operationalize their core virtues in energy, work and love. We say, what's your identity? Who are you at your optimist best? Self, energy, work and love wise. Then what virtues do you embody then? What are you going to do today? To be in integrity with those virtues, that to express that identity and again, to become a certified and optimized coach. You need to do that on a daily basis. It literally only takes a minute or two or three after you get proficient at it. But we want to remember the ultimate game. We're Playing the summum bonum is to live with eudaimonia via arete. Therefore, let's take it seriously. Increase the odds of our success by writing it down. Science says now my identity love wise has been for a while inspired by Aristotle in its soulmate, but not soulmate in the pop culture silly obsessive passion way, but soulmate in the deepest Aristotelian sense of. I want to be a soulmate. You Daimon good soul. Between not only my wife Alexandra and her soul, I'll be her mate, right, her soul mate. Literally, etymologically, but with my kids, with our team, with with the luminaries with whom we're blessed to work, and with you and the others we're blessed to serve. So love is an action verb. Let's go put it into work. Lift some weights in the relationship, Jim. As we become Aristotelian lovers going for Eudaimonic joy, supporting our partners in their own flourishing as we commit to ours snap. Discipline ourselves in that healthy, harmonious passion in the positive emotions in the savoring, in the practicing of virtues. Starting strong, no exceptions. Always act and practice, exercising your will just for the fun of it. As you know thyself. Again, I challenge you. Go check out buildhappytogether.com know thyself, know your partner and go flourish together one more time. This book is the relationship book I recommend. Top 10 all time. Go get on it. Susie James, thank you for the great book. Honored to have you as two of our visiting luminaries on our guest faculty for our Optimized Coach program. Just so excited to have you there and sharing your wisdom with our community and with the world, everyone listening and watching. What's the number one thing you got out of this? How can you move from theory to practice to mastery? Just a little bit more in your relationships today.

Hey guys, this is Bry. Hope you enjoyed that video. We have a lot of people ask us what Optymyze is all about, so I just wanted to give you a super quick tour of our site. Tell you what we do. We do two primary things. We have an optimized core membership and we have an optimized coach certification program for people that want to go from theory to practice to mastery. So the core membership is basically 10 bucks a month depending on whether you do monthly or annual. And you get instant access to over 500 philosopher's notes, the six page PDF, you know, 25 minute or so, MP3 recordings of these great books. And then you get over a thousand optimized plus ones 50 optimal living 101 masterclasses, etc. And we have a free trial the team set up, get it, you know, free for 14 days and then go from there if you like it. So we're blessed to have a lot of people who subscribe to this, including some of my friends who happen to be some world class peak performance gurus like Talbin Shahar, who taught the two of the largest classes in Harvard's history. Starts every day with Optymyze. Ben Greenfield, friend and coach Optimizes, bar none. My go to source for taking a deep, efficient dive into some of the world's best books via the Philosopher's Notes. It's an indispensable resource. Thank you Ben. Marcy Shimoff loves philosopher's notes. Mark Devine, retired US Navy SEAL Commander, dear friend who starts his days with optimized plus one winning win in the mind routine to charge him up for the day's battle. If you're serious about leading heroically, I recommend you use them too.

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Hope you're doing great. Look forward to sharing more with you soon. Have an awesome day. See you.