PNTV: How to Win Friends & Influence People

And I gotta say, I avoided reading this because I thought it might be a little cheesy. The title, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is it manipulative, etc.? I had created nearly 500 of these Philosopher's Notes before I created one on this book and before I read the book, and it is phenomenal. And today's the day to go out and actually be the best version of ourselves that we say we want to be. All of these ideas have to end in action. He says, if you don't want it, then you won't— none of this stuff will help you. Hi, this is Brian. Welcome back to Philosopher's Notes TV. Today we've got one of the all-time best self-development books, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, written in 1937. The book has sold over 30 million copies And I gotta say, I avoided reading this 'cause I thought it might be a little cheesy, the title, "How to Win Friends and Influence People," is it manipulative, et cetera. I had created nearly 500 of these Philosopher's Notes before I created one on this book and before I read the book, and it is phenomenal. I love Dale Carnegie. He wrote another couple books we've profiled, one, "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living," and another one on public speaking, but this book is fantastic, highly recommend it. Packed with big ideas. I pull out a handful of my favorites in the Philosopher's Note that you can get for free. Just click on, click on the link in the show notes and you can get the 7-page PDF. It's a 20-ish minute MP3 in which I pull out my favorite big ideas that I hope can help change your life. Excited to talk about a handful of my favorites. I'd hold up the book right now, but it is in a box in our barn. Our library is just stuffed with books. So that one's hiding out somewhere in the barn. But let's get to work. We got 5 ideas I'm excited to cover. First, we're gonna start with the magic rule, the number 1 thing that you need to know in order to change your life and win friends and influence people. Then we're gonna talk about principle number 1, the number 1 thing you need to start doing, technically stop doing, if you want to win friends, influence people. Then we're gonna talk about the golden rule, It appears in every single faith tradition. Dale has a great story about it. And then we're going to talk about mistakes and the importance of owning the mistakes you make and then repairing. Then we're going to talk about Love 2.0, creating micro moments of awesome with people in your life by seeing what's awesome in the individuals with whom you connect. And then most importantly, we're gonna plus one it. Let's go! I want you to think about the idea that most resonates with you. Not everything will, of course, but whatever most resonates with you I want to help you move from theory to practice to mastery together today because life-changing ideas are only life-changing if you live them. And today's the day to go out and actually be the best version of ourselves that we say we want to be. Now let's get to work. Magic rule number 1. Carnegie says, look, I could give you 1,000 ideas, all of which could be helpful for you, but none of which will actually help you if you don't want it. You gotta turn up the heat. You need to hit that activation energy point where you are all in and you really see how these ideas can help you become the version of you that you aspire to be, and then you're willing to actually do the work. All of these ideas have to end in action. He says if you don't want it, then you won't— none of this stuff will help you. So science says the same thing. Your motivation is going to be dictated by how much you value something, how much you expect to actually see positive results from it. And in the note, I talk about activation energy. Have you ever heard of activation energy? It is a chemistry phrase, an idea where basically one thing becomes another thing, right? So water moves from, from just being water to boiling at what point? The temperature needs to reach 212 degrees. Nothing happens to that water at 200 degrees, 201, 205, 210 degrees, even 211 degrees. It needs to hit 212 degrees, then one thing becomes another thing, right? Same thing with fire. You want to ignite paper? Well, the temperature needs to get to 451 degrees. Anything below that and you will not get fire. You have to hit that activation energy point where one thing becomes another thing. Magic rule number 1, you gotta want it. So my question for you is, have you turned up the heat? In today's world, it's kinda cool to be a bit aloof, a bit cynical, or you may just be burned out and you've kinda given up on showing up powerfully and really going all in. But we gotta remember how important it is to activate ourselves and see what's possible. And anytime I think of activation energy now, I think of a story from a friend of mine named General Brian P. Fenton. General Fenton is the retired commanding officer of all special operations forces in the US. Been blessed to serve his commanding officers. He introduced me to Marcus Freeman at Notre Dame. I was blessed to serve Marcus and his team on day one of the preseason when they went to the national championships. And General Fenton told me a story about a time where he worked and gave kind of a little talk to the lacrosse team at Notre Dame, which was the national championship defending team in lacrosse, and they had just lost. He happened to be on campus and they said, "Hey, would you mind, you know, cruising over and giving our guys a little talk?" He said, "Absolutely, let's go over." And he told me what he wrote on their whiteboard, which apparently stayed up there for, I don't know if it was the rest of the season, but for quite a while, was this. He said, "All right guys, this is your new phone number. This is a hero's phone number: 212-451-2000." Can you guess what that means? 212-451-2000. The hero activates. The hero goes all in. They hold nothing back. They hit their energy and activation point. 212 degrees, 451 degrees, and 2000. Is the temperature required to forge steel. You want to melt a little spork kind of thing, plastic spoon? No big deal. You can get there with X hundreds of degrees. But you want to forge a sword, you got to turn up the heat. 2,000 degrees. So remember your new phone number, 212-451-2000. Magic rule number 1. And this isn't just a rah-rah, pom-pom waving self-development idea. This is a spiritual truth. Joseph Campbell talks about the fact that Sri Ramakrishna, one of the most beloved spiritual teachers, said that you should not approach enlightenment unless you approach it like a man whose hair is on fire, or woman whose hair is on fire, approaches a pond. I don't need to worry about that, but I do have the intensity. You got to approach life with that intensity. Stay grounded, but go all in. If you want to change your life. Otherwise, these ideas remain as ideas, and we don't actually engage in the activities required to change ourselves. So that's magic rule number 1, principle number 1. First thing Carnegie tells us we need to do is what? Stop criticizing people. He says, yeah, yeah, yeah, you see how this person needs to improve, that person needs to improve, et cetera. That's great. Congratulations that you can see that. But stop telling them all the things that are wrong with them. You want to win friends and influence people? Pro tip: stop criticizing, stop condemning, stop complaining, he says. You want honey? Quit kicking over the beehive. Not a winning strategy. Goosebumps as I say that. So check in, notice how often you go around criticizing people, and remember another spiritual teacher that, that Carnegie quotes, Jesus had something to say about this 2,000 years ago. Why are you trying to remove a speck out of someone's eye, a little mote in someone's eyes, when you have a beam, you have a log in your own eye? You got more than enough work to do just to take care of yourself. Start there, focus on that. Then when you've figured everything out in your life, then you can go out and try to fix everybody else. So again, you want to win friends and influence people? Stop criticizing. You got 3 fingers. Debbie Ford talks about this, Dark Side of the Light Chasers. Anytime you criticize someone, right, you got 3 fingers pointing back at you. Why don't you do the work, attend your own lecture? And you got your thumb pointing up, right, to your higher self. You can imagine what your best version of yourself would do. But turn that around, attend your own lectures, change your own behaviors, quit criticizing other people, which is related to the 3rd idea here. The Golden Rule. Every single faith tradition— and in the note I quote everybody— you got the Christian Golden Rule, of course, you've got a Jewish version of that, you've got an Islamic version of that, you've got a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Taoist— every faith tradition says the same thing. Treat other people the way that you want to be treated, essentially. Right? Pretty straightforward. Again, it's a nice abstraction. The question is, Are you living that? The next time you're going to treat someone a certain way, think about it, pause, and say, "Is that the way that I want to be treated?" Again, it's very, very obvious, almost ridiculous to say it out loud, but there's a reason why every faith tradition comes back to this, because it's powerful. And again, we got to move from theoretically knowing it to actually doing it when it matters most. The Golden Rule. Remember it. See if you can apply it today. Related, in the note, I talk about what Tal Ben-Shahar, the great positive psychologist who taught one of the— two of the most popular classes in Harvard's history, in his book Happier— check out those Philosopher's Notes— he says, remember the Golden Rule, but remember the Platinum Rule as well. He says the Platinum Rule is don't treat yourself the way you would never treat others. In other words, treat yourself with kindness. Treat yourself with what scientists call self-compassion. Don't do unto yourself what you would never do to others. We talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to others. As mean as you may be to other people, if you're that mean, you're even meaner to yourself. Which, by the way, anyone who's going around criticizing, etc., imagine what the dialogue is in their own heads. Have some compassion for them. But practice the Golden Rule for others and for yourself, which then becomes, as Tolle says, the Platinum Rule. We've got a lot more wisdom on self-compassion in the notes and in the Heroic app. Next big idea here is mistakes. You want to win friends and influence people? When you make a mistake, which you will— I don't know how many, what time is it? How many mistakes have I made today? As I tell my kids, shoot, I was almost the first perfect human being, but I made a mistake. If you make a mistake, admit it quickly and then repair. If you make a mistake and you get upset with somebody and you say something you wish you didn't say or whatever, admit it, then repair it as quickly as you can. It's a really, really powerful way to win friends and influence people. You make a mistake and you kind of, ah, let's just pretend that didn't happen— not a good way to go about, again, deepening relationships, etc. And this is especially powerful, by the way, parents with kids. Obviously, there are no perfect human beings, as Abraham Maslow says. There are no perfect parents. And what I've found is when I make my mistake, get frustrated with the kids or whatever, to be able to repair it and say, hey, I'm sorry about that. I wish I had said this. And to model the opportunity to use those challenges and those times we fall short of our standards as opportunity to get better. Is always a good idea. There you go. I have a little note here to tell you about Extreme Ownership as well. Jocko Willink style. He wrote a whole book on it called Extreme Ownership. Take extreme ownership. That's what great leaders do. That's what great human beings do. Quit making excuses. Quit defending. Take responsibility and then do what needs to get done. The last, next and final idea Dale tells us If you want to win friends and influence people, be interested in people. Care about people. Look for the best within people. Don't go around day to day all about you, all about you, all about you. Get out of your own sense of self. Look out into the world and look for what's awesome in people. Celebrate people. Great way to win friends and influence people, right? And one of the ways that I love to practice this is inspired by both him and Barbara Fredrickson, who wrote a book called Love 2.0, one of the most powerful and for me life-changing books. The basic idea is we think of love 1.0 is like for people that you're supposed to love, you know, your immediate family, your partner, your kids, et cetera. That's kind of love 1.0, which is phenomenal, of course. But she says there's another form of love that she calls love 2.0. And she studied it scientifically. And what she's found is you can create these micro moments of positivity resonance. Where your brain, your heart, your underlying being is connected to another individual that you may not know very well. It might be someone at a grocery store or on a hike or whatever that you only spend a few moments with, but in those moments you can create a loving positivity resonance, and it's really, really powerful and really, really important that we seek those out. Now, this book was life-changing for me because I tend to be a bit of a hermit, a bit in my head, a bit introverted, when I'm not, you know, spending some time with you, teaching, etc. I'm a pretty introverted guy. And when I read the book, it challenged me to look outside of myself and to find little moments where I can connect with human beings that I otherwise might have just kind of walked by or not created an interaction with. So now, a practice for me, and I encourage you to consider doing this today, look Actively look for things that you can appreciate, genuinely appreciate and admire in people. For me, I do mundane things. You know, every once in a while I try to grow my beard out, whatever. So I admire guys that got great beards. You know, I see a great beard that they clearly have taken the time to craft. I'm like, "Dude, great beard." I try to grow mine out, you know, and I always give up right when it gets to the point where it becomes an art project. That looks awesome, right? Or someone's wearing some cool glasses, you can tell they really, really like it. They got cool tattoos. I like to find little moments where I can say, "Wow, I really—" I love your tattoos. And I mean it. I genuinely admire whatever it is that I'm celebrating. And you can feel that, I get goosebumps saying this, you can feel that little micro moment of positivity between the individual with whom I'm interacting and them. And it often leads to a quick, awesome little discussion about something in their life. Tattoos are, again, a great way to learn about someone. What's that mean for you, right? But anyway, point here is, Look for those things that are awesome in individuals and share them. This is one of the most powerful ways to win friends, influence people. We're doing it because that's what it means to be a good human being. And the byproduct is, well, you're gonna win some friends, you're gonna influence some people. But you gotta remember your new phone number, magic rule number 1, activate 212-451-2000. Call that number anytime you're feeling a little flat, And you need a little bit of fire. Remember the general. Let's go. Principle number 1, stop criticizing. Attend your own lectures. Figure out what you need to fix. Don't kick over the beehive if you want to get some honey, to use Dale Carnegie's story about it. Golden rule in every single faith tradition. Practice it today. Remember the Platinum Rule. Be nice to yourself as well. You make a mistake, which you will. There are no perfect human beings. None of us. Make a mistake, admit it, repair it as quickly as you can, and then find those moments today where you can connect with and admire someone and deepen your positivity resonance in the world. Those ripples go out, they make a difference. And of course, plus one: what was the idea that most landed for you, and how can you move from theory to practice to mastery just a little bit more today? It's these little Little distinctions aggregated and compounded over an extended period of time that will transform your life, help you be that best, most heroic version of yourself. That's why I do what I do. It's an honor to do it with you. I hope you enjoyed, and I'm told that if you did, you should hit subscribe if this is your first time on the channel. I look forward to sharing more with you soon, and, uh, it is day one. We are all in. Let's go!