Peter and the host discuss psychological manipulation in the workplace, defining it as getting someone to do what they otherwise wouldn't. They cover common tactics like silent treatment and guilt, explain how it stems from power and ego, and describe the chaos it creates in organizations. The fix: name it and talk about it directly.
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Welcome to episode 10 of the Mind games that people play in the workforce. Peter, welcome back.
Thank you.
Manipulation is the talk of this session. And what do we mean by manipulation?
Literally, it means to get somebody to do something that they normally would ordinarily do.
How do we recognize it? Yeah. How do we recognize that there is this game being played?
Let's look at it. Because, I mean, manipulation can also be done in a positive way where you can actually stretch somebody. So let's just put that on the table. You can actually manipulate somebody to actually exceed and excel themselves, stretch them and create an experience for them where they do something very, very positive. But most of the time manipulation has negative consequences simply because we're trying to get, as a manipulator, we're trying to get people to do something that they wouldn't normally do but wouldn't normally want to do either.
So.
There is a toxicity.
Yeah. And it has a negative connotation. You know, when I did my neuro linguistic program, they said, oh, you're a manipulator. Yes. Interesting. What do we mean by psychological manipulator?
So using mind games, for instance, like the silent treatment, the guilty game that we've been talking about in the previous videos, to essentially you mentally jujitsu somebody into a position where they either begrudgingly or unknowingly do what it is that you want them to do. Yeah. And the payoff for that is that. Yes, you get this. Certain of the people that get a certain amount of satisfaction of going, ah, I did that, didn't I?
Look at that.
Yes, exactly. There are some people who just do it seamlessly. They, I think you used the term at one point, the master manipulator. They just do it without even thinking.
Are there different sort of levels to manipulation?
Absolutely. It can be on small things. The whole psychology is if you can get somebody to do something small, you can ramp them up to start doing them to do bigger and bigger things, which is kind of from a security perspective, that can be rather toxic.
Yeah. What is then the sort of underlying issue with the person that is behaving as a manipulator.
Looking at the manipulator as being a toxic manipulator. It's to gain advantage over people, to shift responsibility onto someone else. For instance, if we're, if we're now manipulating somebody to take on a responsibility that we should be actually taking on, let's say that falls over, then we can wash our hands. I delegated that to so and so.
Correct. But what's the underlying issue, I suppose. Why would they even do that?
Power. Power? Yeah, power and ego. It's the power over, you know, you were saying before the, you know, we've done NLP and everybody says, oh, you're a master manipulator. And there is that fear because we have people who have this stereotype in their heads that somebody who manipulates someone is doing it for nefarious, egotistic and self aggrandizing purposes.
Yeah, yep, that's true. What are some of the characteristics that, you know, you've come across or seen manipulators do?
The characteristics are more, let me say, narcissistic. Yes. Simply because there's a huge amount of ego at play there and that can be deflected, that can be hidden. But there is an ego service that goes on when you can manipulate somebody into taking on a responsibility or doing something that would not normally do or, you know, it can be as simple as manipulating somebody into buying the next round of drinks when it's not their turn. There is a little win. And people have this feeling of, well, I managed to do that. That goes on a lot with that.
Yeah, I mean there is a view that some manipulators view themselves as victims.
Yes, absolutely. And that's part of the manipulation where they say, you know, oh, I'm so horrible and this, that and the other. So you start now to feel pity with them and the normal human reaction is to start saying, okay, well look, I'll take that on for you. And you just then feel a little bit off because you think I've just been manipulated doing this.
Correct.
And the key really is most manipulators do it so smoothly and so seamlessly that oftentimes the people who are taking on the, let's call it, task think they're doing the other person a favor until something there's a little light that goes on the back of the ear says, hang on, wait a minute, what's going on here?
Do they actually even know what they're doing or.
Yes.
So you saying they're consciously aware that they actually are performing some form of translation.
There is still a payoff, there is still a reward. And the enjoyment of that reward, whether it's now half correct, I don't have to do that project. There is that reward.
I suppose the question is then how does it affect the organization? So if you're looking for something minor manipulation to something that's quite intentional.
So if the organization is busy with its internals manipulating itself, it's not out there. Doing what it's supposed to be doing.
Correct.
So it's all about spending time and energy and making sure that the team functions as a whole, including the person who's the manipulator. They are supposed to be doing certain tasks. If they are loading that up on other people or they're loading the guilt trips on other people, degrading their performance, the whole organization does not progress forward.
Yeah, yeah. I was also looking from an angle where a manipulator maybe could be the manager, where he's basically looking at a team versus another team. So he's creating, or she's creating the sort of competition, but it's more of an aggressive competition than a friendly competition.
Yeah, look, there's, there's, there's pros and cons for having a team competition, but it can also turn toxic if you don't.
Yeah.
If you don't. Look, if you see yourself as opponents inside of the same organization as opposed to, as opposed to a team that has their part and function to play.
Correct. Yeah. But they're also very, very good at creating chaos in an organization so that, for example, they can kill deadlines. They can also stop from projects going forward. Just ways to change the timeline to their own behavior or to their own needs as such.
And also there's a lot of people that look at pitting, like you were saying, pitting one team against the other and to see which rises to the surface. But the tension, the depression, the detriment that happens inside of both teams can often be counterproductive.
Very true. What is the key takeaway then?
Manipulation is a game, and again, most of the time the people who are being manipulated don't recognize it until a couple of times around the block, down the track. If you feel that you are being manipulated, first thing to do is to say, hang on, why am I doing this? Why is this situation being put on me? Correct. And having a frank discussion. Yeah.
Rather than why is it. Why is it me? Yeah, yeah, I was going to say that a lot of the videos that we've discussed so far, like the previous one, the Guilty Game and the Silent Treatment, is also another form of manipulation.
And they are elements of. They are tools inside of the manipulators toolkit.
So.
The key to it all is to name the game. So if there are certain things that are going on for you that you, you just need to have a little bit of an adult conversation about that.
With that, I thank you, Peter.
Thank you.
Much appreciated. The next and last video, episode 11 is the Gatekeeper the gatekeeper.
Oh, now, hold on.
Where's the gate? We don't mean that type of gate.
Yep.
Anyway, stay tuned and we look forward to seeing you in the next.
