Episode #3: The VICTIM GAME

Have you ever heard someone utter in your organization, it's so unfair. Why do I always get the menial tasks when someone else gets the best projects and jobs? Why does that person sit in the corner office with those beautiful views? And here I am sitting in this cubicle, which is dark, gloomy. That's the type of mind games that you may have heard from someone who's trying to play the victimhood. Peter, welcome back.

Thank you.

What is being. What is this type of mind game being a victim?

It is a set of mind, and it's a particularly interesting one because it always can bring itself back up again. Once you're in that pattern, it replicates itself over and again. One of the ways that I visualize what a victim mind game is, if you can imagine being on a train and the victim will stand at the back of the train looking out at the tracks, receding, going, what? Please stop the train.

I can't stand this.

I don't know where we're going. Or insert comments here.

Yes.

The reality is that everybody on that train is on that train. The train is traveling at the same speed, going in the same direction along the same tracks. The change is that you can either be at the back end of the train going, what's happening? Or being at the front end of the train going, hey, let's see what we can do with this.

Yes.

And that is a mindset that changes from victimhood to empowerment.

Yeah. So do they look at as a endless time frame of suffering in some ways because they're on that train.

Correct. Correct. And every moment on that train is another reason to feel, oh, well, I don't do this, or this doesn't happen for me, and so forth and so on. And eventually, or not eventually, very quickly, people become habituated to finding the negative and looking out, quote, unquote, the rear view mirror all the time.

Yeah. And so a side question around is that if they feel that they're right and they're trying to get hurt, they also might feel that they're blameless. They're right at the back of the train, so no one can point the finger on them. Correct.

Correct. And what will happen is that they will tend to people. Will we talk about. They. We all do it.

Yes.

Let's be real about that. But there is a sense of community when you can find commiseration with others. So there is this tendency to say, have you not seen that? And we tend to enroll people into this worldview, and the more we enrol people, the more it validates what we're saying.

Exactly. So what's the underlying issue here? What's going on with this person that is going through this?

A projection of a sense of helplessness and a sense of I can't do anything about it, rather than standing, taking a good long look in the mirror and saying, hey, maybe I can handle this situation a bit differently.

Yep. So I suppose, you know, what is a victim mentality here? You know, that are they experiencing more difficulties than, than others or is it just self fulfilling? You know, just so they make it up that it's. Yeah, it's everywhere.

So if it makes it more difficult for people to do what they do with energy, with enthusiasm, and dare I say it, with joy, we all know that if we're looking at doing something and we're low energy and we're negative, everything becomes a problem.

Yes.

The same task with a different mindset can suddenly become easy to do or an absolute blissful thing to be able to do. It really comes down to that ability to reframe the situation internally. The job's not going to change.

Yes. Correct. And you reached a really good keyword, which is the mindset. Is there a mindset of continuous disappointment?

There is. Because one of the things that might sound familiar and you hear it in the movies and you hear it from people around you. This always happens to me.

Yes.

So there is already a setup, a pre expectation that something's always going to happen. And the unconscious mind is always ferreting and looking around and saying, oh, there is one, there's another one, there's another one. Whereas on an empowered mindset, you can use the unconscious mind to go, oh, there's another opportunity. Oh, there's another great thing. Oh, fantastic. It's the same mechanism, different energy.

Correct. Well said. What is the downside of someone who's playing this mind game?

Yeah, from an organizational point of view.

For both. So for both for that person.

Yep.

And also the organization.

So let's start with a person as an individual. If you are constantly looking for reinforcement that this is terrible and that's terrible, then you will always find a justification to see things that are terrible. From an organization's perspective because of this need for enrolling others, you will find that you might have people who are drawn into the gravity of this, of this environment will start also picking up on the negative vibes and this can spread.

Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Because I, I see it also. You are creating an environment of mistrust.

Yes. Yes.

And then so, so the risk for the organization, which you haven't fully explained. So, you know, if, if they're able to coerce others to be part of this game, then you started to create division within the organization.

Yes. Yes. And you start to create, or you have the capacity to create a. Well, they're just, they're just, they're not looking after us, so why should I look after them? That can then cascade into. Well, if they're not looking at me and they're not taking care of me, why. Why should I take care of their. I don't know, sensitive data.

Yes.

Their clients, their. Their corporate secrets. And we start getting into insider.

Risks.

Risks? That's the word?

Yeah, that's the word. What happens if they don't get that special treatment which they're expecting to.

Oh, it'll just amplify the special treatment. Look, the elixir for this, the special treatment, is that it comes from within. If you allow yourself to give yourself the special treatment that you would want, that you say, okay, I'm here. People talk about their gratefulness all the time. What are the things that I'm grateful for as opposed from the things that are things that I'm grating against? That can change the mindset and it can actually change the way that you experience not just that particular situation, but it will broaden the horizons to all.

Sorts of different situations. You made a really good point. But if they don't get that identification, that attention.

Yep.

The more likely to, you know, as you said, architect, you know. Yes. You know, maybe show greater anger, greater bullying.

Yeah.

And then so forth. Yes. And what's. What would be the worst case scenario if the organization, you know, approached to.

It, to ignore it? You can't ignore something like that. So, for instance, I'm looking at it from the position of the manager. If there is a segment of your team or your people that is constantly playing victim and just not pulling the game, you need to be able to address that. And look, playing the victim is a hard cycle to come out of, especially if your only resources is internal. If you have resources, there are resources out there that can actually reset the horizons for anybody to be able to say, hey, it's not that bad. Here we go. These are some ways forward. So what are the tools that we need to be able to provide this person with a way out? Because they're in a spiral, in a shrinking spiral.

So true. So should organisations tolerate sort of this emotional blackmail?

Any emotional blackmail within an organization is toxic. What it does need is communication. If there is some change of direction or difference of opinion or difference of viewing things, then maybe it's a really good thing to sit down. Oftentimes. And I've heard this as well too, the people that start off with a kernel or a grain of complaint actually have a point. And that point, if it's not addressed, can then create both within the individual and also within the organization, a downward spiral. So it makes sense for everybody to sit down and say, okay, what's the reality here? And here are some tools that yes, we can address the internal things. These are logical things we can address. But also you might want to have a chat to somebody about that, your internals.

So is that the key takeaway? Because you pretty much explained it.

Communication.

Communication. Great. Great. So I hope you liked it. So in the next video I'm going to be blaming Peter for everything because it's never been my problem. Stay tuned to the next video and you'll see it down the link down below. Thanks, Hank. Peter, thank you.