Episode #5: The MARTYR GAME

Welcome back to mind games that people play within an organization. This is episode four, the Martyr Game. And this is part of a collection of series, in fact, what 11 videos we have where we talk about different type of mind games that people play. So in this video we're going to be talking about the martyr game. And before we start talking about it, I just want to introduce to Peter Netra.

Hello.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

Excellent. So let's begin. Peter, what is the martyr game?

The martyr game is where somebody uses a feeling of victimhood to create a positive impression about themselves. And sacrifice and victimhood play a very, very large game in that. And there are people that are very good at playing this game.

You find them everywhere. How do they actually operate?

So they put out that they are excelling in terms of the amount of time that they put in amount, the effort, amount of dedication that they put into a particular endeavor with the idea in mind that they get some sort of reward, recognition or gain out of that.

And what is the sort of underlying issue? What is the root cause of their behavior?

So at some point in time, these people will have or these people. I mean, we all play the martyr game one way or another at point in time where a situation where one has been a victim, probably rightly, has garnered a certain amount of positive attention and has allowed certain outcomes to come about. And at some point in time, people figure out that, hey, if I do this, then I more than likely will get the outcome that I'm looking for. So there is a. There is a self gain element, a very large self game element coming out of that in whatever shape or form. Yeah.

Okay. You mentioned to me early on about a case that you came across.

Yes, look, I call it now the motherhood game.

The motherhood.

I mean, to want to be a good mother is a laudable thing. It's great. It's wonderful. You want to be a good mother, you want to be seen to be a good mother. And some of these things are. One of the instances I've seen is that there is so much self sacrifice going on. Mum tends to wear the oldest clothes, the most patched up clothes, whereas the kids always get the budget spent on them. And the reason for that is because all of a sudden the teachers and the society starts, oh, you're such a good mother. You always take care of your children first. You must be the most amazing mother under the sun. And that then is an incredible reward for somebody who wants to strive to be an amazing mother.

Correct.

And there is almost a. I think there's a reason why it's called Martyr because there's like almost a holiness aspect attached to it as well. Too.

Correct. But that also creates a sort of division between the husband and the wife. Because if the husband is not in part of that game.

Correct.

Because if he's not a martyr as well, guess what? There's a lot of politics there going on. So here's a question interesting. Do people who play the martyr games, are they trying to climb over the piers through politics rather than performance or results or outcomes?

That is, that can be one of the side effects of that. I mean, you're looking at a martyr game inside of a work situation. Comes to work at 7, leaves at 8 o' clock at night, puts in the hours. Not necessarily the results and the recognition for that. You know, aren't you good? Again, you're the most amazing employee we have because you just, you just give yourself all. And I notice that you're still emailing when you're, when you're on holidays, which you cut in half because you want to come back to finish the project.

Yes.

And that is an arter game in its own right. So that actually elevates the attention to this person is a dedicated employee and takes it away from, well, what's actually the outcome? What's actually the productivity outcome.

Correct. So interesting question I've got. When they say, look how hard I work, are they trying to refer that their peers and maybe even managers are lazy?

So by inference, a martyr game. And it's probably a generalization, but there's a martyr generally becomes very narcissistic. It's all about me.

Correct.

It's all about solidifying my position. It's all about solidifying and elevating my reputation. And I feel good when people tell me, aren't you good?

Correct.

But by, I guess, side stream effect of that is that other people will feel disenfranchised by that there will be an expectation on the rest of the team to. Well, you know, Joe Bloggs is the one that's always here at 7 in the morning or 6 in the morning. Why aren't you?

Correct.

And that can have a very toxic side stream effect.

Correct? Correct. Because as mentioned when we talked about this before, where we talked about there's some cultures and even organizations that their expectations of their employees has to start really early. Yes. And sometimes, you know, they are afraid of leaving until the boss leaves.

Correct. Correct.

It's such a pressure. Tell me, how does someone realize that they're working with someone who's Playing this game, the motto game. What are the signs? What are the behaviors?

The signs are that this person is always volunteering to do the extra hard yards, not necessarily coming up with the same results that they walk around with. And this is subliminal, so this is not a. But they walk around subliminally with the martyrs halo and they're always being indicated as well. You know, if you were to put these kind of hours in that Jo Bloggs is putting in, you know, we'd really appreciate it. So yeah, there's a few signs like that that go around.

So let me put some, some words out and just, just to get your, your response. Someone, association game, someone that is seeking trade offs.

Yes. The trade off would be look how hard I work, but don't look at what I'm, what I'm putting out.

Or it could be look how hard I work. What am I going to get in return?

Yes. Yes. What am I going to get in return? Most of that has to do with status recognition and solidification in the position.

Yeah. Yep. Okay, another word. Insecure.

Absolutely. That's what drives it. There is a huge amount of fear that drives it that now that I've established myself as this pinnacle, this paragon of work ethic, must now strive to maintain it. So there's a, there's a huge amount of fear.

Yeah. Self promoter.

Yes, self promoter. Inside of the environment or sorry, inside of the boundaries that they feel they want to have recognition for.

Yes, correct. But they could also be self promoters in terms of. Because when they're promoting how hard they're working, how busy they are, they're also trying to say, look, if there's someone who's, if there's another job or role that is higher than what I am, then I should be the one that should get it.

Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. So it can be a ladder climbing mechanism.

What about the last one? Time wasters.

So it's interesting if you do a very hardcore, I guess, if you like spreadsheet analysis of it, if you look at the output, a person who works, who gets the job done inside of the normal allocated business hours and the person who just throws themselves in and you find that there is either a parity or there is a discrepancy to the output that's been made by this particular person. So the martyrs are really good at process. It is innovative and getting things across the line and finishing a project is more along the lines of somebody who's goal oriented, targeted, focused.

Correct, correct. So, okay, now let's look at Sort of the underlying risk from three different ways. One is what's the underlying risk for the person that is playing their mater game? What's the risk to his or her co workers and then for the entire organization?

Yep. So for the mater game the risk is that you get burnout. I mean physically there is only so much effort that you can put in.

Correct.

And it's, it's the old adage, the more you, you push something and without getting that break, we call it work life balance. I suppose.

Yes.

Without getting that work life balance, the faster you're headed towards burnout in terms of the people working with them, it becomes a they. They tend to isolate people who are busy working inside of their own little environment. And you will find that getting cross pollination, getting cross assistance from people that you need to get cross assistance from can be very toxic. Like for instance, if I'm working from 7 o' clock and you say to your colleague, I'm going to start this project at seven o' clock in the morning. The colleague's probably going to turn around and say get out of here.

Exactly.

And also from a management perspective you tend to look at it and say, okay, we've got a team that's not functioning on the same level. We're not speaking the same language.

Correct. Exactly. Because when someone goes on their own ideas of how they want to execute it could cause a lot of ripples. And again division predominantly.

And frustration. There's a huge amount of frustration that if you really must work with a person who's got the mater complex, the frustration in the goal oriented, target driven person is just unbelievable.

Yeah. What about someone who's a manager who's playing that type of game?

Then that becomes a very interesting proposition. They will then. I mean the manager drives the tone of the unit.

Yes.

Or the team.

Correct.

So one of two things will happen or you will find that you'll get other martyr aligned people coming in under your team and all of the targeted go getters will probably find another unit to go to.

I think so. Okay, so let's wrap it up. What is the key takeaway for a person that plays a martyr game?

So understanding what's driving them. They want to have recognition. If you must work with a, or if you are working with a martyr, the best way to smooth the waters is to play to the ego.

Wow.

Isn't it great you're doing this? I think that's a marvelous thing. I could never do that. And elevating them. And you'll probably find that you Get a balanced that you can maintain during nine to five working hours. If you must work with somebody like that, understand they're very good with the minutiae with a process that they're extremely diligent on the small scale. Not on the small scale, on the micro picture. And making sure that the details are nutted out so you can work together as a team utilizing each of the team's different attributes in that way.

Yeah, well, then again, you know, everyone is unique. Everyone's got their own behavior. So.

Yes.

So there's got to be some flexibility. Correct. It's just as when the game has become predominant, you know that someone's playing it. And so the question is whether you can. You are happy to work with such a person or whether you need to find a way around it.

And look, if. And a lot of people who have this martyr game probably have or not, probably do have from time to time moments of lucidity and go, wow. I don't know if this is the.

Best way to play that.

Understand that there's a strength in what you're doing, but there's also a massive weakness in that this is the only way you know how to play the game. And I think in terms of life, if we call it the game of life, you need different strategies that you can jump from and to according to the situation.

Well said there, Peter. Thank you with that. Thank you. Our next video is all about controlling the controller game that people play. So stay tuned and we'll see you soon.

Thank you.

Thank you.