Coach Kammer and a partner perform a satirical song parody of the Tin Man's "If I Only Had a Heart," rewritten as "If I Only Had a V." The sketch mocks V-Day and feminist rhetoric by imagining a man claiming that having a vagina would excuse his bad behavior, let him flirt without consequences, and blame everything on PMS.
Hi, Coach Kammer here. One of the ways we go on offense on our comeback is to notice and laugh at how selfish and self-centered women can sometimes be, and we satirize some of their more outlandish plays. We'll have a little fun like that coming up next on Our Comeback. In 1998, the woman who wrote a play called The Vagina Monologues declared that February 14th was no longer Valentine's Day. Henceforth, it would be celebrated as V-Day. The V in this proclamation stands for violence, but only men's violence against women No mention at all of women's violence against men. V stood for victory. Women's victory over male oppression, of course. And yes, you guessed it, V for vagina. So the day whose icon was a big red heart and whose focus was the celebration of romantic love was banished and replaced with a day whose theme is men's badness and women's wonderful vagina. So since the heart was replaced by the vagina, yours truly sponsored a contest for the best parody of the Tin Man's song in The Wizard of Oz. Except now, instead of wishing he had a heart, he's thinking it would be even better to have a V.
Lately I've been contemplating the pros and cons of dating, what is and shouldn't be. In my mind, a thought's been brewing just how easy I'd be doing if I only had a V. As a man, I have my member, but I just can't remember when dinner dates were free. And now I've just accepted I might have a new perspective if I only had a V. I would not be called a gawker, could not be called a stalker, and that's just fine with me. I could be so flirtatious, everyone would be so gracious if I only had a V. Oh, I might like to shop, you know, I never have before. At the mall, I stroll through each and every store and never know what I'm shopping for. And when I'm not doing my best, I blame it on PMS. You'd have to pardon me. Everyone would find it useless not to accept my excuses if I only had a V. Oh, I could fantasize how I've been so oppressed, how it's so unfair, my whole life such a mess. And then I'd go out and buy a dress. I'd complain all men were brutal, how fighting them is futile, but really, don't you see? I'd ignore all the catcalls know I have them all by the balls. If I only had a pee— I'd say a penis. Who needs it? I wouldn't have to beat it. I'd know that spring's eternal. I'm giving up the urinal, 'cause there'd be nothing finer than to talk about my vagina. If I only had a V. If I only had a V. If I only had a V. If I only had a V.
