Why Am I So Angry at My Girlfriend? And What Can I Do About It?

Hi, Coach Kammer here. One of the things that's often said about men is that we won't open up, we won't talk. But there's a lot more to it than that. Don't go away. Our comeback is all about men making our points. Often, our comeback is about making our points to the government, or the media, or other big institutions. Today we're going to talk about something that can be even more daunting: making points with the main women in our lives about things we really care about. Let's be honest, it isn't easy. For one thing, when we're talking about things we really care about, we're talking one way or another about feelings and emotions. Yes, we're talking about feelings. I know, you're a man and feelings are girly. You're a man and talking about feelings is really girly. You want to avoid them. Big mistake. Your feelings are the spark plugs of your personality. Disconnect them and you ain't going nowhere. Another part of our reluctance to talk about feelings is that men take action. If I have something I want, I take it. If I have something I want to avoid, I kick its ass. Well, that's baloney, of course. But deep in your soul, you have this nagging insecurity that talking about feelings, especially unhappy feelings, is a sign of weakness. Still another part of it is that you really feel like a 98-pound weakling when it comes to talking about emotions. And now you're getting ready to get into the ring with the emotional equivalent of Mike Mike Tyson or the current champion of the Ultimate Fighting Challenge? Admit it, when it comes to talking about problems in your relationship, your woman is the undisputed champion. And here's another problem. Although women have a reputation for fighting fair and really wanting to hear what you have to say, sometimes they don't. Women can be very defensive. Researchers in 1982 found that women were almost 4 times as likely as men to fight dirty—to take cheap shots, tie you up in illegal holds, and hit below the belt. It can all look and sound a little like this. So, are we being clear and honest about the situation? Do you think maybe we need a game plan? We'll be back to talk about that right after this brief PSA. It's no silver bullet, but a really effective skill that can help you stay in the fight is the "I feel" statement. If done right, it's never wrong. Now, that doesn't mean you will automatically get your way, but it does mean that your opinion, your point of view, your feelings will have a seat at the table. They will be heard, respected, and included in the discussion about whatever problem you're trying to solve. An I feel statement has 5 parts. The first part is to know and understand What you are feeling. That's much easier said than done, especially for men, because as we just talked about, we've pretty much been taught not to pay attention to feelings since they're supposed— so supposedly unmanly. But the one emotion we are quite familiar with is anger. Over the years, you have learned that anger is the one unhappy emotion men are expected to express. It's so manly. But your anger is usually not the emotion you need to express. It's not the primary cause of why you're unhappy. When you feel angry, step back and try to identify what you felt, even if just for a fleeting instant, in the moment just before anger jumped in. To take its place. Dig deep and feel what you're really feeling underneath the anger. It might be fear, sadness, insecurity, confusion— who knows? It could be a lot of things. Here's a list of the feelings that might be underneath your anger. That's a long list, and only you can figure it out. You might need some time, maybe hours or even days, to do it. You can always say to the woman, "I need some time to figure out exactly what I'm feeling. I need to dig through the anger to get to what I really want to talk with you about. I'll be back." Step number 2: Once you know what you're feeling, tell her. Number 3: Tell her what was going on, what was happening when you started to feel what you are feeling. Number 4, tell her why that situation made you feel that way. And number 5, tell her what you want and need instead the next time that situation comes up. Again, you might not get it, and you might not even deserve to get it,, but you have the right to have a full and honest discussion about it. If she wants you to talk, you need her to listen. The "I feel" statement makes it more likely that she will not only listen, but actually get what you're saying. Here's an example: I feel inadequate when you talk about how your sister takes such great vacations with her kids. I feel that way because I'm afraid you think I'm a failure financially and I'm letting you and the kids down. What I need instead is for us to plan together how to give our kids great vacations that don't cost more than we can afford. The "I feel" statement doesn't blame. You take responsibility for how you feel and you take it without shame. No blame, no shame. Like an athlete at his best, you stay within yourself, balanced, with good situational awareness, fully confident that you can run this play. I feel statements are not a magic bullet. Sometimes your attempt to move the ball in the right direction is going to meet a lot of resistance, but a well-executed play, even if it only produces 3 yards and a cloud of dust, is a whole lot better than throwing a wild panic wounded duck that she intercepts, makes all about herself, and takes 99 yards for 6 more points against you. One last thing: don't misuse the phrase "I feel." You can't say, for instance, "I feel you are an idiot," because "you are an idiot" is not a feeling. "I feel sad," "I feel angry," "I feel scared"—those are feelings. "I feel you are an idiot" is a judgment, not a feeling. So let's practice this important skill. Let's get the "I feel" statement into our emotional muscle memory. We have lots of points it can help us score. Way to go for watching this. See you on the field.