A man reflects on his marriage's collapse and his role in it, tracing destructive behavior to addiction. He distinguishes between explaining and excusing, and argues that real ownership means changing for yourself, not to win back forgiveness or fix what you broke.
I spent years asking my wife to judge me by my intentions while forcing her to live with my actions. That sentence sucks because I love my wife, ex-wife now. I love my daughter. I wanted to be a good husband, a good dad, and I still destroyed my marriage. Addiction gives you this incredible ability to explain absolutely terrible behavior like you're presenting a case to the Supreme Court. I was stressed. My business was struggling. I was depressed. I wasn't myself. I got put on new medication. And yes, some of this is true. But here's the thing. Here's what I'm learning about ownership. An explanation is not an excuse. My wife did not have to live with my intentions. She had to live with my lying, the broken promises, the unpredictability, the insecurity, and the substances. The version of me that kept saying, I love you, while behaving in ways that made love impossible. And this is the part I'm finally understanding. Taking ownership doesn't mean saying, I'm sorry, until somebody forgives you. It means changing even if they don't. I don't get to say, I got sober, I worked the steps, I'm becoming a better man, so now give me my family back. That's not ownership. That's a transaction. And apparently God doesn't accept loyalty points. Work now is becoming honest, dependable, sober, and a good father without demanding a particular ending. Do I want my marriage back? Of course I fucking do. I want it more than anything. But if I'm only changing to get something back, I'm still trying to control the outcome. Real ownership is becoming the man you should have been even when nobody promises you a reward for it. That's the part I'm working on.
