Jacob FuchsDirector of Pharmacy at CSC, St. Luke's Health System · Director of Pharmacy

Sober & Heartbroken: My Hardest Mission Yet #shorts

28 Sept 2026 · 1 min

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1:07

In this candid monologue, Jacob Fuchs reflects on his ongoing heartbreak after losing his marriage and family. He describes using a cruise as a temporary distraction, recognizing that avoidance—through alcohol, drugs, work, and constant novelty—has been his long‑standing coping pattern. Now sober, he acknowledges that sobriety alone cannot erase the damage caused by his past actions. He grapples with nightly regrets and the desire to change, concluding that his next, most challenging mission is to learn to sit with his pain and forgive himself without excusing his behavior, a process he admits he does not yet know how to accomplish but feels compelled to pursue.

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I'm still heartbroken, and if I'm being completely real, I don't have much motivation right now. I thought getting on a cruise ship might help. New place, new people, no responsibilities for a few days. Just get away from everything. And it did distract me, but I'm starting to realize that distraction has been my MO for a long time. I didn't like how I felt. I found something to change how I felt. Alcohol, drugs, work, chasing the new goal, staying busy. Apparently now cruise ships. Everything except sitting still long enough to actually feel what was underneath all of it. But you can fly across the country, get on a giant ship and sail into the middle of the ocean, and somehow the shit still finds you. I'm sober now, but sobriety doesn't magically fix everything you broke while you weren't. I still lost my marriage. I still miss my family. I still wake up some nights wishing I could go back and do everything differently. I can't. Maybe it's learning how to sit in the pain without escaping it. My next mission might be the hardest one yet: forgive myself. Not excusing what I did, not forgetting who I hurt, not pretending it didn't happen. Forgiving myself enough to stop serving a life sentence for a version of me that I'm already working every day to change. I don't know how to do that yet, but I think that's where I'm headed next.