210: How to Permanently Erase Negative Self-Talk with Emily Filloramo

Welcome to the Heroic Investing Show. As first responders, we risk our lives every day. Our financial security is under attack, our pensions are in a state of emergency. A single on duty incident can alter or erase our earning potential instantly and forever. We are the heroes of society. We are self reliant and we need to take care of our own financial future. The Heroic Investing show is our toolkit of business and investing tactics on our mission to financial freedom.

Welcome to the Heroic Investing Show, a podcast for first responders, members of the military, veterans and anyone looking to improve their financial future and gain some freedom with their time. We teach America's heroes how to build passive income, build their startup business and safely grow wealth through real estate and other alternative investments. We help current and prior first responders put protections, systems and a team in place to help them build a life where they can focus on their passion, that service or product that they are uniquely gifted to share with others, making the world a better place for all of us. My name is Gary Pinkerton and I co host this show with Jason Hartman. This is episode 210210 and as with all 10th episodes, we're going off topic here as Jason does on the Creating Wealth Show. We're going to talk about something of personal development benefit and I'll tell you, I love this discussion. This is with Emily Filleramo and I can remember when Jason first aired this a few years ago on the Creating wealth show and it's as relevant today as it was back then and it will be as relevant 100 years from now.

She talks about the same kinds of things that you can probably find in the Bible and in many books. And in fact, I'm in a book study on a book called the Master Key System and that book was written well over a hundred years ago. I'm on the third time through it. We've been studying this thing in weekly discussions and masterminding and daily practice for a year and a half now, going through every six months. So why are we doing that? Because, you know, I'm sure that you have experienced this where you pick up a book you've read before and you swear somebody has snuck in in the middle of the night and changed the text inside it. You're a different person, you hear things differently. Maybe your mind is racing on one topic the first time you're through and you completely miss parts of the book. And this one is so amazingly concise that I believe that the guy agonized over every word he put in this document. It's just, it's a small book, but. But it's great. And it talks about the same thing that Emily's talking about in this show. So her topic is how to erase negative soft talk. And I credit this topic or this one simple little concept with changing my life, changing my family relationships, changing my financial wealth, changing most things in my world over the past few years. And it's a very simple concept that you are the person who is able to control what goes in and out of your mind. Viktor Frankl said that when everything was stripped away in the concentration camps, the one thing that the Germans were not able to take from all of the prisoners was their decision on how they were going to respond to things, about what they were going to interpret their current situation in their mind and how they were going to respond. Right. So he was talking really about how you respond, how you react. You get to choose that. But if you take it just a little bit further back, it's that the only person, the only. Yeah, the only person who can control what gets into your mind and the way in which you think is yourself. And in the Master Key System, he makes a point in one of the chapters just kind of buried in there. I didn't see it until the second time through. And it's a very simple little topic. And he says that your mind, as complex as it is, the human mind is only able to retain one thought at any given time. And so if you force in there a positive thought, a thought that builds you up, a thought that moves you in the direction that you want to go, it precludes that there's any negative thoughts going to be in there. Now, I have a friend who disputes this with me. He says, no, no, I can think about multiple things at once, or we can all think about multiple things. I have not found that true in myself when I'm embracing something that I, in the moment, think is negative. I got into an accident, I'm late for work, a bird does a doo doo on my shoulder. Whatever it is, then you know, you have a choice. And if you put in your mind, you know, something positive, then I believe it pushes out. At least in my simple brain, it pushes out the negative. And I go on about my day with the attitude and deciding to take a lesson from that, not something negative. So it could be as simple as a little mantra that you chant when the bad things are happening.

Right?

I'm healthy, wealthy and wise every day, and in every way, I get better and better. I'm not even sure where I got that from. I think it might have been Zig Ziglar. I've certainly learned a tremendous amount from that man. He has the Ziglar Talk or Self Talk cards, which is on this same concept. You can go to the Ziglar family website and you can get those Self Talk cards for free, I think.

And it's a 30 second thing that you stand in front of the mirror and you do what he said, which is look into the windows of your soul, which are your eyes, and say these positive things about yourself. And, and he says two things happen. One, you start believing what you're hearing your own voice say. And second, you can't lie to yourself. Right. So if you're saying about how you're healthy and you're eating right and you're being a good father or whatever and you're not doing that well, then you either got to stop saying it or you have to start acting that way. And it has been tremendous for me to just. This concept of getting rid of the negative soft talk and replacing it with positive self talk seems simple. It. It is pretty simple, but many people don't believe it or don't take that step. Many other ideas about how to be positive and how to make that happen in your life and to get through the challenges and the struggles. If you'd like to reach out to me@garyarrypinkerton.com I'd love to have a conversation with you. But in the meantime, please enjoy this amazing interview that to me is one of the better ones that got me started on this path. And pick up a copy of Zig Ziglar's See youe at the Top. And I think that's pretty much all you need. Love to have a conversation with you about it or even bring you on the show and get your experiences on that concept. So again, this is with Emily Filarama. Thank you so much.

It's my pleasure to welcome Emily Filleramo to the show. She is the author of a new book entitled how to Permanently Erase Negative Self Talk so youo Can Be Extraordinary. And you know, this is a very important subject. I often say that the most important conversation we will ever have is the conversation we have with ourselves. And we're doing it all the time. So it is a critical subject. Emily, welcome. How are you?

I'm great, Jason. Thank you so much for having me.

Good, good. Did you tell yourself you were great today when you woke up?

Of course.

Is that how you do self talk? No.

Well, actually, when you asked me some questions regarding this, I'm going to share that this is the kind of thing that you don't even need to remind yourself that you're great because you will wake up knowing that you are great.

So tell, tell us about self talk. I mean, maybe a little bit more on, you know, what is the definition of self talk? You know, they say if you talk to yourself there's something wrong with you. Right? But, but everybody's talking to themselves.

No, no, there's nothing wrong with you. So, so what people have to understand is that we are all made up of like little parts of us, those sub personalities that kind of are part of our inner team. So I like to use the metaphor of a bus. So imagine driving the bus of your life. You trying to push down on the accelerator to try to go somewhere really big. Whether it be improving your health, improving your career, improving your relationships, or just wanting more joy in your life. So you're trying so hard to push the life of your life forward with trying to get a promotion or get a hot date, or just trying to lose weight and just being a better person. You're trying all these things and you know that you deserve to get what you want or your conscious thinking is telling you you deserve this. But for some reason, for many people there, there are some areas of their life where they can't seem to manifest what they want. So they feel like there's parts of them, parts of them that are just blocking them and they can't figure out what that block is. So essentially that's like you're trying to drive the bus of your life forward, but there's parts of you that are just on the brakes of your life. And those are the blocks, those are the voices. Anytime you try to, let's say in dating and relationships, you know that there's a cute girl at the bar and you're like, I know I should go up to that girl. I know that I'm handsome enough, but how come I don't have the courage? So these are like the little parts of you that are speaking inside of your head that says, who do you think you are? You were never the handsome looking guy in junior high school. Remember you were the guy that was rejected at the junior high school dance. You were the wallflower or you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not smart enough, you're going to get rejected. Stop. So those are all those committee of characters that are inside of our heads that are holding us back each time we try to go outside of our comfort zone, to Try to materialize the relationship, the business opportunity, or whatever it is that want. So those are the negative voices, the negative self talk that comes up.

Okay, so can we really control that? I mean, is it as simple as telling ourselves to change the conversation, or is it more complex for some people.

Just telling ourselves to change the conversation and just reminding ourselves that, you know, to be grateful for our lives and you're great, you're beautiful, that can take some people to a certain destination, but it could only bring you so far. And you may achieve, let's say, a level of success in middle management because you moved up the ranks, but somehow you can't materialize getting into the C suite or the VP's position or trying to get that $50,000 client. You've already making six figures, but you can't make it half a million dollars. So in order to really unburden from those messages, we have to go a little deeper. And, and so that's where you have to identify the parts of you that have thoughts, feelings, behaviors that are holding you back. That part of you that's afraid of success, that's afraid of failure. And you could get to know these parts and see how they protect you from actually going to the next level, because these parts of you don't feel like it's safe for you to get there.

Okay, so I believe it was Henry David Thoreau who had a quote about people living in quiet desperation. And you mentioned that in the first chapter or in the introduction to your book, you say, stop pretending everything is great. Are a lot of people doing this? And how do we know if we're doing it or not? And what are the consequences to that?

Well, some people, they say everything is great. And you just.

Think about the last person that said everything is great, and do you really feel that they're really being genuine? Because a lot of people are living through a mask, a mask of this is what is expected of me. Supposed to get a good job, have children, buy the right house, the right car, and do what Madison Avenue tells me is supposed to be the meaning of success. And when you look at those people, you really have to ask, okay, I have all this money, status and stuff. How happy am I? Do I wake up with joy every day? Or do I keep thinking, if I just get the next thing, if I just get a better car, if I just get a prettier w, if I just have more money in the bank, I'll finally be happy? So that's the question really has to be asked of ourselves, is Are you happy on the journey to living to the full potential, who you are? Because if you're not, then it's really you're being driven by the demons from the past, because those demons are seeking validation from the outside instead of within yourself. And so that's where people are living in quiet desperation, because they are keeping up with the Joneses, doing what they're supposed to be doing. You know what? A lot of us do that in our 20s and 30s, especially after college, because that's what we've been expected to do, and that's certainly what I did. But at the end of the day, when you really think deeply, how happy are you with all that money, status, and stuff? How are your relationships? How's your marriage? How's your health? And if you're not, how's your emotional health? Are you happy? So if any of those answers are no, it could really be better. That's where it's a clue that some inner work needs to be done if you want to reach that state of joy, endless joy, where you're waking up happy every day about yourself, about your circumstances, on your way to living to your full potential.

Sure. Okay. Makes sense. And I think that's a pretty good segue, really, to the kind of the format of your book where in chapter one, you talk about hidden shame and the mask of perfection. Now give us an example of maybe a couple examples of the hidden shame concept.

Hidden shame is a lot of us. And I could tell you a little bit of my story. Hidden shame. Because I was shamed so much for being Asian as growing up in New York. There was just a lot of parts of me that felt like I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough. I'm just so ashamed of being Asian because our family was one of the poorest on the block. So I didn't have the friends that I needed. I felt really poor versus my peers. I never felt like I belonged college. Since after I got a corporate job and was making good money, it was a way for me to go shop and decorate myself in designer clothing and nice things for the house, basically to keep up with the Joneses as a way of really showing the Joneses in the suburban community that I lived in that, look, hey, I could keep up just like you, because that part of me that was frozen in the past in college, especially at a hard memory where I was brushing my teeth and these college girls that were that grew up in a very wealthy town, they all came in with their care packages that they got from their parents back in the 80s. There were no cell phones, and so they got all these care packages. And there I am really feeling ashamed of being Asian and being poor and not from a prep school, because these were the same girls that rejected me from their sorority.

But, I mean, New York is like a tossed salad or melting pot, whichever one you want to use. It's not like being Asian was a deal in New York at the age you were growing up, was it?

I mean, it was where I grew up, because I was one of the very few Asians in Queens. And now it's much more. Much more of a melting pot. But where I grew up, you know, there were a lot of African Americans and Caucasian people, and I was one of the very few Asians. So being shamed like that and not feeling like it belonged anywhere, it stays with you. Because your brain when you're young is so programmable. And when you don't have the support system at home to tell you that you are lovable. Because I didn't feel love at home either. So I didn't feel love at school or love at home. So all those parts of me after I got out of college, I just, like, swept under the rug. It's like, okay, now.

Okay. And so you were basically compensating for them. Right. Trying to look successful and so forth. Right. Okay, so give us another example of maybe someone else, some other story you know of or someone you've counseled about this that you know, maybe so people can have another example.

Absolutely. So typical are some of the leaders that I have counseled who are controlling and arrogant. They need to be the boss. They don't have any empathy for the people that work for them. It's my way or the highway. Or the employees feel like they feel disengaged and because they feel like their boss really doesn't care. So people who are arrogant, controlling have an angry edge. These are all also people hiding shame underneath, especially men, because men are not given permission to really show their emotional side for the most part. And so boys get bullied at school just like girls get bullied, like I did, because every one of us has some incidents that we feel like we weren't good enough. And for some of these people who were bullied and shamed, they end up with controlling behaviors so that when they grow up, they will never have anybody shame them again. So they need to become that leader that becomes the boss, so they could control other people because they're afraid that if they don't have control, that the Little boys inside of them might get stirred up.

Yeah, that's one of the sickest things I think that maybe bugged me the most is the concept of the bully. And although you didn't mention bullying, it's a close parallel. I think what you were saying. Right. And, and gosh, I just. I do not like the bully out there.

Yeah, no, no, but, but what we have to, what we need to realize is that the reason why. So this is how. When you understand this concept of psychospiritual healing based on internal family systems, not only will you be more aware of yourself and how you became who you are based on your little and big traumas, you will have not only compassion for yourself, you will also have compassion for those people who push your buttons and those people that are not nice to you, you know, like that controlling boss. And you're going to see it as. It's just a part of them that took on an extreme behavior as a result of traumas that they experienced that they may not even be aware of. It's just. And it's because all of our real selves, the real, real highest spiritual self of who we are, we're all compassionate and loving towards ourselves and others. And so when you understand and have compassion for leaders that bug us or the husband that needs to control us, that gets angry.

And so those people are just acting out of their wounds and you will see. Oh, that angry part. Oh, he's angry. It's just a part of him. It's not the real him. The real him underneath that is so full of love and compassion. And so if people are so wounded, that real self may be nowhere to be found and it cannot be found until they do the inner work to become more self aware and release the burdens that they have been holding onto from the past.

Okay, all right, Good, good. What else do we need to know about this? You know, maybe something I haven't asked.

What else we need to know is that all of those behaviors, feelings and thoughts, you know, eating too much, drinking too much, procrastinating, shopping too much anger, numbness, afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, you know, all those parts of us that are kind of on the brakes of the bust of our lives when we understand how those parts came into being and what they need in order to release their behavior, because what they really need is heal the vulnerable parts of us underneath that. The shame little girl, the shame little boy, whatever it is. And so if they. Once you get to know the protective system, let's say the part of you that eats too much. Most people hate the part of them that eats too much. Instead of saying hating it, let's befriend it and find out what its role is in keeping you with an extra £20 on, because it believes that it's not. Because more than likely it believes that it is not safe for you to be attractive and get noticed. And that's why it keeps some weight on. And so once it hears the story, then, then it will give you permission to go to the vulnerable parts of you that are still stuck in the past that was called chubby or maybe that was abused. And when you rescue those parts of you, vulnerable parts of you out of the past, loved by you and rewired of their negative beliefs because those parts of you take on, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not worthy, I'm fat, I'm ugly, whatever it is.

That's the self talk.

That's the self talk. Anytime you're saying I'm not good enough. I don't deserve this. Okay.

Okay. So do we really talk to ourself in such a literal manner? I mean, no. How do we know we're even doing this? First of all.

I mean, it's not apparent, it's not obvious that we're doing this, right? This is under the radar. It's a subconscious thing or is it conscious? Do we know we're doing it and we can just catch ourselves?

You can catch yourself sometimes. No, it's if some people tell me, I try to meditate, but I got all these, all this inner chatter going on so you could recognize and just be aware of what they are. But another way to do this is really think about, okay, as you're trying to drive the bus of your life forward, what is that number one goal right now, let's say for the next six months that you really want to achieve? You know, maybe it's health, maybe it's your career, maybe it's your relationship. And. Okay, so when you think about trying to achieve that.

Are there any fears and concerns about achieving that?

What parts of you have any doubts? Well, you know, there's that part of me that, okay, if I do lose 20 pounds, that my husband might get jealous because he's got weight problems and he's got insecurity issues.

Wow.

If I'm a little hotter than he is and I get noticed, I might, I might ruffle the feathers of this relationship. So I'm not sure if this is safe. And so that's how you Identify. Is it really safe for you to reach that goal? What relationships are going to be affected and what would you have to be accountable for that you're not accountable for now because of the excuses you're hiding behind.

People really don't like change, do they? Our mind is a creature of habit. Isn't. Appears that way to me. All of those things mentioned are, you know, they connote change. And if there's going to be change, that's scary, right?

Yes, change is scary because it's. It's the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. It's easier to live in darkness than in light.

Or, or maybe that. That saying should be revised. The devil you know is more comfortable than the angel you haven't met yet. I'm going to revise that statement.

That's a good one. What is? Just like Marianne Williamson's quote, you know, our deepest fear. Deepest fears. Not that we actually, you know what?

You can say that, by the way. Sorry to interrupt you, but I think that's a Nelson Mandela quote that she hijacked. I'm just saying.

You're just right. You're right.

You know, she gets. That gets attributed to her. But I'm pretty sure that was Nelson Mandela who said that.

I think so, too. I think so, too. I'm just going to say the first three sentences, which is like so powerful, which is. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. And it is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

And it's true. And all the people that I have worked with who are trying to quantum leap to the next level, I basically work with overachievers who are trying to get to that next level. As they get bigger and bigger and the spotlight is shining on them. It's the more, oh, my gosh, I can't hide anymore. Because I think about it. In order to unleash the full potential of who you are, even if you're that nerdy scientist that is in a lab all day, if you unleash full potential and make a difference on this planet with your discovery, you're gonna be in the spotlight no matter what.

And because you're gonna be asked to speak at conferences.

Because when you publish papers, you're still going to be in the spotlight. So no matter what your field is, if you are unleashing your light, you will be guaranteed in the spotlight. And many times, many of the people, no, no, no, no, I can't be in that Spotlight. I'm afraid because I was shamed when I was. I tried to give a speech in fourth grade and the kids made fun of me. So that has to be unburdened from the past in order for them to step into their light. And there needs to be some hand holding as they get bigger and bigger because new layers get revealed if they don't do the work, the inner work, to get over the past.

How does someone know if they're comfortable or uncomfortable with the spotlight? For example, you said if they achieve something great in their career, they're going to be in the spotlight. Your thesis seems to be, and probably many other people in your field seems to be that, well, people sabotage themselves because they don't really want to be in the spotlight. They're afraid of that. Is that a correct assessment?

Yes. Yes. They sabotage themselves because they're afraid of the attention, which is what many people.

Would think, gosh, I want attention because that's going to further my career. And you know, what happened to the whole idea of doesn't everybody want to be rich and famous? You know, I mean, not everybody does, obviously, but I was actually talking with someone about the life of celebrities recently and you know, it seems like that would be really neat for about a weekend. And then it would become incredibly annoying that you would be like a prisoner, you know, you couldn't do anything.

Yes, exactly. So everybody thinks that they want to be in the light. And we are all meant to be in the light because just think about it, we were all born happy and balanced as babies, could do no wrong. And that is our natural state.

That is our natural state. A balanced human being that can be both an introvert and an extrovert. So these parts of us, again, introversion, extroversion, they're just parts. Some people go into an extreme and become extreme extroverts. Some people go become an extreme introvert and develop a shyness part to protect them because they didn't feel that shining their light was safe. And again, that's, that's all rooted in the past. So we're all born balanced individuals. And to get back to balance, where it's okay to shine the light, it's about discovering where did the root of though that shyness came from. And I work with a lot of people with shy parts. And like one of my clients, his shy part came on at 18 months old when his younger brother was born and he didn't know how to continue to get mom's attention because mom was attention was on the baby. So his system got into, got into, got into gear and decided that we're going to get extremely shy so that mom pays attention to us. And shyness has been throughout his whole life. And now it is a detriment to his career because you would almost think.

That would be the opposite though. Don't we want to be loud and, you know, interruptive and bombastic to be, to get attention, to get mom's attention.

In that example, some people will end up going the opposite way to get that kind of attention, but with him, his inner landscape decided to go the opposite way. So we're all born balanced until traumas happen to us. You know, big and little traumas. It could be something as stupid, but it's like mom giving you the wrong look. And all of a sudden the part that used to be balanced, that'll bring on shyness once in a while. Decides to go into an extreme role and be shy all the time.

See, that's an interesting part of human psychology and that's why it's such a soft science, I guess. It's really hard to tell. Like you mentioned, well, what if your parent looked at you the wrong way when you said or did something and then your brain just kind of imprints that and then you live out a scri for decades. It's a mind boggling field. It really is. Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Tell us a little bit more before you go, Emily, about the mechanics of this. You know, the real mechanics of this, of making changes that we want to make. So, you know, maybe we assess our self talk. And if you want to talk about the mechanics of that, feel free to. And then what do we do? Are we just literally, as we've kind of touched on earlier in the interview, do we just literally tell ourselves, well, you know, don't do that, don't say that to yourself. Is that, is it really that simple or are there more mechanics to it?

It all depends on how far you want to go with this. So you can begin this. To get to know the protective parts of you, you know, those parts of you that are holding down on the brakes. You know, let's say the part of you that is afraid to ask for a raise and okay, so, so you get to know this part. How long have you been in my life for me to. Afraid to ask for what I want. That's, you know, you name the part, the part of me that is afraid to ask for what I want. And so how long has this been in your life? What is your job? What do you need in order to relax your job or let go of your job altogether. What are you afraid of if you don't do your job? Of holding me back from asking for what I want. So I'll give you a quick example. I was working with somebody who's trying to manifest $25 million into the next phase of his business. He needs to get $25 million in investor money and he was procrastinating with picking up the phone to ask to do the contact work, to meet them for lunch or whatever, to ask for money. And we found out that this part of him that didn't want to ask started at 2 years old. 2 years old when he would ask for stuff from his mom and his mom would just ignore him and not give him what he wants. And so this part essentially took on the role of.

It's the part that doesn't like to ask for things because it took on the belief that okay, it's not safe because mom doesn't give it to you. So it's that two year old part of him. So this part that doesn't pick up the phone for him is protecting a two year old underneath that who took on the belief that when you ask for what you want you will not get it, so don't even bother.

And so that 2 year old was holding him back from picking up the phone because it didn't believe that he was going to get it. And so it's when you get to know the job of this protective system, when did it come in, come into your life? What is its job to protect you? It was afraid that you're going to keep getting rejected and it was afraid that you're just going to feel like that 2 year old who just feels worthless. So it's protecting you from feeling worthless. What does it need in order to let go of the job? It really needs you to rescue that 2 year old out of the past.

And so it's getting to know the protective system so that it gives you permission to go and heal the vulnerable parts of you, to bring them into the present, to say, hey, I'm not two years old anymore, I'm 45 years old and look, I've made it through life, this is what I've accomplished already and I need your help to manifest the next level of success. So this is essentially the parts of you that are on the brakes. We just identify the part of you that is afraid to ask and then the two year old part, the exile part of you that is like frozen in that memory that Those, those parts were on the brakes of this client's bus. And so once you learn what the job of the part is, what does it need to relax because it really wants you to help you to make phone calls, but it can't right now because it's still stuck in a two year old memory. And so when you, the highest real self of who you are, you have all the power to heal your parts and listen to what they need and give them all the love that they need, needed that they didn't get way back then, then these parts of you release their burdens and these parts of you get off the brakes of your bus and they become the cheerleaders in the passenger seats of your bus with pom poms in hand as you do the scary things to move forward in your life.

And that's how your whole system of all these sub personalities inside of you, they all realign and they let the real you, the highest spiritual self of who you are, be the driver of the bus and they will allow you to push full throttle forward on the gas pedal as you do the scary things to manifest the next level in your health, in getting more money, more successful and in manifesting better relationships and of course, manifesting the joy that you so desire to feel every single day as you live out to your full potential.

Emily, tell people where they can find you.

My website is be more extraordinary.com and my email is emilyemorextraordinary.com and of course there's the book.

Yeah, fantastic. And the book of course is on Amazon with great reviews. How to permanently erase negative self talk so you can be extraordinary. Emily Filleramo, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you so much for listening. Please be sure to subscribe so that you don't miss any episode. Be sure to check out this show's specific website and our general website, hartmanmedia.com for appropriate disclaimers and terms of service. Remember that guest opinions are their own and if you require specific legal or tax advice or advice in any other specialized area, please consult an appropriate professional. And we also very much appreciate you reviewing the show. Please go to itunes or Stitcher radio or whatever platform you're using and write a review for the show. We would very much appreciate that and be sure to make it official and subscribe so you do not miss any episodes. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode.