510: 7 Mindsets of Connectors by Michelle Tillis Lederman

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Welcome to the show. This is Jason Hartman, your host. Every 10th episode we do something kind of special, kind of different. What we do is we go off topic. So regardless of which show it is on the Hartman Media Network, whether it be one of the financial shows, economics, real estate, investing, travel, longevity, all of the other topics that we have, every 10th episode we go off topic and we explore something of general interest, something of general life, success, value. And so many of our listeners around the world in 164 countries have absolutely loved our 10th episode shows. So that's what we're gonna do today and let's go ahead and get to our guest with a special 10th episode show. And of course, on the next episode we'll be back to our regular programming. Here we go. It's my pleasure to welcome Michelle Tillis Lederman to the Show. She is CEO of Executive Essentials and best selling author of the 11 Laws of Like Relationship Networking. People do business with people they like and the new book the Connector's seven mindsets to grow your influence and impact. Michelle, how are you?

I'm great. Thanks for having me on the show.

Good to have you. You're coming to us from New Jersey, right?

I am a Jersey girl.

So likability, I mean if this is the secret sauce to life, isn't it?

I think likability and relationships are the keys to happiness, success, all of the good stuff.

Take us through. I like how you've really laid out and made very clear these laws of lik. Take us through some of those. I don't think we'll have time to hit all of them, but just highlight them for us if you would.

Sure. I break them up into the core. The thread. Number one is the law of authenticity. And then structure is basically what we do before, during and after a conversation. So the before laws are authenticity, the law of self image and the law of perception. So how we see ourselves, how others see us, and the law of energy, that's kind of getting our head and our mindsets all in the right place. And then we move on to the conversation where we focus on the law of curiosity, which gets our conversations going. The law of listening, which enables us to actually be in that dance of a conversation. The law of similarity, how we find those commonalities and connection points in the conversation. And then the law of mood memory, which is how we ensure that somebody feels good in that exchange with us.

Mood memory, can you elaborate on that one? I think the others are, you know, people have a clue as to what you're talking about there. But what is mood memory?

Sure. Mood memory is the idea that we will remember more about how someone makes us feel than anything that they said. So have you ever been like walking down the street with like a big grin on your face and looking really silly if anybody looked at you because you were thinking about something or someone?

Right, sure, yeah.

That's the idea of mood memory. And you don't know exactly what, but you just, you're got that blank eating grin on your face.

Right, Right. So you're saying that we want to give someone that mood memory in the conversation, Right?

Yeah, we want how do we do feel good in our exchange. And it could be a lot of different things. It could just be the attention that you're paying somebody, it could be the interest you're showing in them. It could be the similarities that you find, the common interests, the common values, the common experiences. It could be that you asked for advice and made them feel valued and valuable. So a lot of things can contribute to that mood memory.

Okay, any tips, like any specific things we should drop into a conversation or things we should say on any of the topics. But maybe especially mood memory, it isn't about.

And I don't believe in scripts. I really believe in individual exchanges with one person.

When I say that, I don't mean a script, but I mean more like talking points. You know, conceptual framework.

You know, I think about the anatomy of a conversation. So we're still kind of in those middle four laws of the book. And if I were to kind of lay you out for a conversation that ensures a good close, we start by asking a question that we're really interested in. An open ended question that gets somebody talking. As we are moving through the conversation, we're listening and probing, probing for more information without interrogating. And we're listening and sharing. Sharing some of ourselves. So we have to make sure that that opening question is really something that we're comfortable sharing about as well and we're interested in. Because if we ask something we don't care about, the conversation's not going to go very far.

Okay.

And step three of the anatomy is the extension, the connection. That's when we're looking for those similarities and that's where connection forms is when we find that aha moment or oh, you too. You know, I was that or I know that person or whatever. The association or common shared experience or value makes us start to feel connected to somebody. And that's the point in the conversation when you're looking for your follow up, your next point of contact. Because the goal of a connector is always to move from conversation to connection. So we don't want the conversation to just be one and done. So once you know what that follow up might be, you're ready to close. And that's where mood memory comes in. We want to think about how do we close a conversation down without making them feel like we're done with you.

Right, right. Yeah, good point, good point. You know, you might also even take that into the concept of maybe Seinfeld. When they're ending like leave on a high and there was even an episode about that, will they remember the last thing from the conversation? Is that one of the points of the mood memory concept, the attention span.

Of people usually is highest at the beginning and highest at the end. So if you have this great conversation and then you start to make them feel like, yeah, I'm done with you, then you can really damage mood memory, even if it's been great. So ye. That close is as key as the entire conversation to ensuring that mood memory is positive.

So if you're at a party or you know, maybe even a aptly labeled networking event, well, how do you do that? Because that, you know, it does need, you know, seem sort of abrupt sometime of like, oh, I got to get on to talking to the next person. This has been fun. But, you know, how do you do that segue? Any tips on.

There's a lot of options and I actually in the first book, the likability book, I give a whole bunch of ways to close. So here's a few. When we are in one of those networking events, there's typically a bar or food or something. So that's always an exit strategy. You might say, I'm going to get a drink, would you like one? And that exit or to join but in that transition, when you're both getting drinks, sometimes that separation happens naturally. What also happens as you're transitioning to another location is you can pick up people along the way. This is actually one of my favorite ways to close, which is really to open, to open the circle of conversation to include others, which changes the dynamic. So if I'm having a conversation and we kind of hit our ending point, what I might say is, you know, that person over there looks like they're looking for somebody to talk to. Let's go over there and invite them to join us. And so now that you have a third person, when they start talking, it might be easier for you to excuse yourself or you now have a new dynamic to the conversation. You might want to stay engaged.

Okay, good, good, good stuff. So connecting your, your latest book is, is the Connectors book. When you say connecting, are you talking about connecting in terms of networking connecting or connecting one on one? I guess it's both. Right. Just kind of give us the overall premise, if you would.

So the book is called the Connector's Advantage. And the idea is that when you are a connector, which is somebody who is relationship focused and driven in the way in which they approach life and business and people and everything, they will get whatever it is they're working on, whether it's a new job, a new sale, a new client, a promotion, happiness, health, all of these things, you will get that result faster, easier and better. And so that's the advantage. So what I talk about in where I know we're kind of jumping between the two books, the 11 laws of likeability are about how connection and how we enable likability and what we do before, during and after the conversation. I always say networking is something you do, but a connector is someone that you are. It's a way of thinking and being and interacting. And so there's levels of connector from non connector to emerging responsive acting, all the way up to global super connector. And what I want for people to understand is that anybody can infuse these mindsets into their interactions and reap that same reward. Because those relationships, those connections that we build, and it's not just a one on one, it's not just in a networking environment. It is the neighbor, it is the person you went to camp with. It's the connections that you really, truly have in your life that you can call upon that enables that speed of result.

Okay, good, good. So is it connecting other people or take us through the connectors book a little bit.

So a connector, as I Said has a certain way of doing things. And there's two levers that we can pull to kind of what I call level up the connector spectrum. One is the initiation versus the responsiveness. So an emerging or responsive connector will connect with people or make a connection for people. But it's usually upon request. If we want to be more of an acting connector, we will initiate, we will suggest, hey, you might want to know this person or we might reach out like I just did about 30 minutes ago, I reached out to you on LinkedIn. And so it's initiating that connection and then extending it. So if you're more in the driver's seat and you're initiating more, both the reach out and value adding to those connections that you have, whether it's through making connections or throughout sharing information or invitations or a lot of other ways that we can add value, then you're moving yourself up. The other way that we move up the spectrum is through our breadth and depth of connections. So once we are initiating, we're probably an acting connector. But if we want to be a niche connector or a super connector, we need to have breadth and depth. Somebody who has. Do you know somebody who you would say, oh, he or she knows everybody in blank.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Okay. That's the epitome of a niche connector. The person who knows everybody in that field in that geography, in that function, in that whatever. My sister's one of those. She's a niche connector in the real estate foreclosure market in the state of New Jersey, but she's actually now getting a breadth as well. So the depth gives you the niche, the breadth gives you the super. So now she's expanded beyond New Jersey. It's still a bit of a niche in terms of her industry, but it's a little bit more of a breadth in terms of geography. So when we are broadening beyond our function, beyond our industry, beyond our hierarchy level, beyond our demographics and geographics, that's what become a super connector. And if you cross your own country's borders now, you're a global super connector.

Okay, good, good stuff. So it sounds like the connector is more of a. Almost like the context from which a person lives. And the likability is more like content in terms of here's how to be more likable. Would that be a fair statement?

I like how you made that framework. There's just one tweak I will say. We can't make anybody like us. And that's something I think is so important. One of the publishers of that book that made an offer said they wanted to change it to like 50 ways to make somebody like you. And I said, no, no, no, no, you can't make somebody like you. What you can do is enable them to see what is likable about you. And with that tweak, I love exactly how you put that framework.

Okay, good, good. What else do you want people to know?

I want people to know what these seven mindsets are because they're probably already doing some of them. And I want to encourage people to recognize what's already working and where they can start to level up, as I say.

So any things that you see over and over when you're out there consulting in the world and talking about these topics that are sort of the easy wins for people, maybe the low hanging fruit.

Yes. Okay, so here's, let me list them out for you and then I'm going to give you the easy win. So the seven mindsets are that connectors are open and accepting. They have a clear vision, they believe in abundance, they trust, they're social and curious, they're conscientious, and they have a generous spirit. And a lot of these things are already kind of in our mindset. But having a clear vision is a really good low hanging fruit for people because the only way to get the advantage is to actually have clarity of what you're working on. I always say if there's one thing that your listeners do after this call to infuse the mindset of a connector a little bit more into their interactions, it's to have a question that they always ask. And any of these, it could be, how can I help you? What are you working on? Who would you like to meet right now? What are you excited about? Any kind of question like that that enables you to start to figure out how you might be a value of service or assistance to this person you're speaking to.

I'm glad you brought that up. I'd like you to almost take that from the flip side. When you are interacting with someone who follows these principles and there are some really great people out there doing all of this stuff, I, I can't say I'm one of them all the time, but I try. But when someone asks you that question, you know, how can I help you? And I feel like it's very hard for me to answer that question. I'd like to actually take them up on it. And I sort of don't know what to ask for, how to, you know, how to let them help me sometimes because I Don't know, just have so much going on. There's so many things, it's sort of hard to distill something. It's almost beneficial to be sort of ready and think about that, isn't it?

That's exactly. You read my mind. Because that's why I said this is such low hanging fruit. Because if you infuse that question into your interactions, you're going to get that question back. And when you have a clear vision, you'll be ready for that question. And so that's what I want everybody. It doesn't have to be your 10 year plan, your five year plan, or even your one year plan. It could just be, what are you focused on right now? And so I encourage everybody to think about just one thing. Don't worry about, oh, oh my God, you're willing to help me. What big thing can I ask? It doesn't have to be big. It could be, you know, hey, I'm going on vacation next week. What would be great is if you have any restaurants you like in that area. It could be small. Remember, we're just trying to stay connected. But it's something that's important to you right then, right now. I mean, there's a lot of things that I want to accomplish in my life. There's a lot of things that you want to accomplish. Just pick one and have that be your focus at that time. So right now my focus is the connector's advantage and sharing the message and spreading the word about how important this is for people and that it matters. And that's it. Somebody says, what are you working on? Or how can I help you? I'm like, help me spread the word.

In one of the books you talk about using technology. You know, we're all inundated by social media nowadays and certainly it's a great tool, but it can also be a very unproductive time waster. Any suggestions for using technology to sort of increase one's ability to connect?

Absolutely. I am a little technophobe, but not compared to most people. I'm one of those middle of the road adopters. So my feeling is don't overdo it in terms of being on every social media platform out there. Think about where the people you want to connect with are and pick one to three platforms. I must admit I'm probably on four, but the fourth is only because I want to see what my son's doing on Instagram. I love LinkedIn. That's my platform of choice. People who are in industries and professions or hobbies. That are more visual. They might be Pinterest or Instagram. So you really want to think about which is the one you enjoy being on, which is the one where the people you want to connect with are and be active and be present in just that one or two or three, but no more. It just starts to become, as you said, a time waster. I think when we connect online, the goal is to bring it offline. And when we connect offline, we can extend and strengthen that connection by connecting online. So the more channels that we connect over, the more we are rooted in that connection and the more ways that we have to stay in somebody's mind without getting in their face.

Any specifics on how to use the platform? You know, I don't use LinkedIn very much. You really like LinkedIn? I personally, as much as I hate them philosophically for all their abuses of our privacy and such, but I like the Facebook software the best. I like that platform. I just think it's very well organized. But if you're, you know, if you're business to consumer, Facebook is better. LinkedIn is more B2B. Right. You know, any specific things you do on any given platform to use it more effectively?

One of the things that we're doing on the platform is looking for our connection points. So when I went on and I connected to you on LinkedIn, I looked at who we had in common and I look for outliers, like, how would they know that person? You know, sometimes it's very, oh, I know why they know that person. I know. Then it enables a conversation. And so when I connect to you, I might put a note saying, how do you know so. And so I went to camp with them or I went to grammar school with them. And so it creates that law of association. It creates that connection on Facebook. It doesn't matter which platform it is. Liking something or putting a comment shows engagement. And what happens when you want to build relationship with somebody, when your name pops up in their social media, whichever the platform is, you become familiar and then we start to build trust and that familiarity gives us that idea that we know somebody. I actually was in the city today doing a video cast with somebody who I've known for probably five years and I'd never met her in person. We've only connected online. She heard me on a podcast, she asked me to be a guest. We've skyped, we video chatted. It's all been virtual. So you can really build relationships through all of this technology. So what I would tell you, and I'll focus on LinkedIn a little bit because that's where I spend a lot of my time is when you reach out to somebody, reach out with a specific note. Here's how I saw you. Here's how I found you. I heard you on Jason's podcast and love this message and would love to connect. You'll get an email back from me if you do it on the app. Be careful because on the app you can't put a note. So then later you might want to send a message along with it because I've gotten caught by that one myself and LinkedIn has to fix that. But the personalization of however you are reaching out to somebody and letting them know why goes a long way. And then when they accept, extend the conversation. Don't just be like, okay, now we're connected online. Your goal is to build relationship.

Good. Well wrap it up for us and please give out your website and tell the listeners where they can find out more.

Yes, the best way to find me is at my website, Michelle with two Ls Tillis T I L L I S Letterman L E D E r m a n.com from there you can get to my YouTube channel. I've got Success Shorty videos with lots of tips and tricks that are about a minute long each. You can find my blog, you can find my LinkedIn, you can find my professional Facebook page. And that's another thing about social media, personal and professional. Sometimes we have separate accounts and just tell me where you found me. I would love to connect with you.

Excellent, Michelle. Thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks for having me on.

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