HS 162 - "Driving Solo: Dealing with Grief" with Susan Alpert

Welcome to the Holistic Survival show with Jason Hartman. The economic storm brewing around the world is set to spill into all aspects of our lives. Are you prepared? Where are you going to turn for the critical life skills necessary to survive and prosper? The Holistic Survival show is your family's insurance for a better life. Jason will teach you to think independently, to understand threats, and how to create the ultimate action plan. Sudden change or worst scenario, you'll be ready. Welcome to Holistic Survival, your key resource for protecting the people, places and profits you care about in uncertain times. Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Jason Hartman.

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It's my pleasure to welcome Susan Alpert to the show. She is talking to us today from my old hometown, Corona del Mar, California. And it's funny what a small world that is, but she, she is the author and the creator of chaos2control program, and the book title is Driving Solo Dealing with Grief and the Business of Financial Survival. You know, when someone passes on, it's not only the emotional part, but there's a whole plethora of business and paperwork issues that one has to deal with at a very vulnerable time in their lives. So Susan is here to help us plan for this eventuality that will probably come to all of us, and it's great to have her on the show. Susan, welcome. How are you?

I'm great. And thank you so much for inviting me to participate with you.

Yeah, well, the pleasure is all mine. You know, this topic really isn't covered anywhere. I mean, you'll always hear lawyers and commercials saying, you know, make a will, maybe a living trust, but it goes way beyond that, doesn't it?

It does. I thought naively at the beginning also, I've got a will. My husband and I have that. We have trusts. I knew where the papers were. I thought that I was in pretty good shape. Oh, how wrong I was. It's really overwhelming.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Larry, your husband of what, 46 years.

46 years.

Wow, that's amazing, especially by today's standards. Long, long marriage. So he passed away in what, I think it was 2008?

Yeah, that's correct.

Okay, yeah, sorry. Sorry to hear that. And tell us about what happened there. And, you know, let's kind of dive in and sort of COVID the areas. The book covers all these different stages.

What I found is after Larry died, I, who had a great organized mind, I ran several major firms. I knew business. I wasn't afraid to tackle anything. But I did find that when I was faced with it, I was practically paralyzed with emotion. And the fact that I knew things didn't mean that it would work. And I didn't know as much as I thought I did. And I wrote the book because I had lived through the experience of watching my strapping, perfectly healthy, never sick, perpetual gauze pan husband go from this strapping man to somebody that I actually buried. So during that, the emotions of being a caregiver, of watching numbers go up and down, the fear, what happened when he died, how I handled relationships with children. And the reason I'm bringing this up is because the experience that I bring is not only my business experience, but. But the personal. So it created the need to put together a method that somebody who is facing this, and as you said, most of us will face this, and ultimately we have to handle it ourselves. I put together something that made it easier.

Right, right. So, first of all, maybe let's talk about kind of the first part of this, from grieving to living. And then we'll get into some of the more technical details.

The period from when you finally lose somebody until you discover that you can be alive is a slow process and a long process. And at the beginning, I thought, I don't know how I'm going to get through tomorrow, much less the next hour, much less the rest of my life. And there are steps that you have to take, and you have to be open. You have to let yourself grieve. So important. You can't just gloss over and say, okay, well, that's done. I'm really sad. I'll mourn for a couple of weeks, then I'll go back to work, and I'll go back to my friends. It doesn't work that way. You have got to go through the grieving stage. And once you do that, initially, you've got to start putting your life in order. Organizing the papers that you have to handle. You have to find a way to work a way to do this. And I cover that in my book. This is what you should do. For example, just set aside an area to handle these pieces of paper. Not your dining room table, not your bedroom, not where you're living, but the place that will be dedicated to the past and then leave a place for the present living. And that's kind of how it goes. And during that period of organizing, you've got to figure out what you need to do, who you need to contact, what you have to do to save yourself in the future. Things have to be done immediately and you really don't want to move. But you also have to learn how to let people help you. And for some people it's difficult. I was one of those. But there are things that people can do. Even if you're a very private person, there are things that they can do to help you that won't interfere with your personal matters, but can help you get started and move on.

Sure, sure. Yeah. Well, I like this idea of creating, just using the space wise, that you kind of have the past and the present and future in different spaces, kind of segmenting it physically and in one's mind as well. So that seems like a great idea and something very simple to do too, right?

Yes. And you could be sitting at your dining room table thinking about the person who used to be sitting across from you, but you're not looking at their handwriting on papers that you had signed together. You're not looking at death certificates. It may be in your mind, but it doesn't go as a searing knife through your heart. So it's very, it's simple, but it's really essential.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay, well, what else? The part about the journey back to happiness.

Yeah, that's a very interesting part. Because what you have to do is realize you've got to make some life for yourself. You've got to make some changes. You've got to get outside a little bit at the beginning. It's very hard just even going out with a friend and it's awkward and you have to do that. The journey back to happiness is a very slow process. And it doesn't mean you're going to have a normal life. You're going to have a new life and it can be great. But there are some sidesteps and some bumps along the road. I found that I personally needed grief help. I went to a grief counselor. I think talking to somebody is very important. If somebody is not in a financial situation, to have one on one counseling. Hospitals have groups, support groups. Your doctor can tell you where to go, your church, your synagogue. It's amazing how much help there is and how good people feel when they help you. That's a major step to take. Get help of any kind.

Yeah, sure is. We'll reach out for it. Okay, well, let's. Let's drill down here if we can, and just talk about the chaos and how you got control of it first. Talking about what kind of papers. I mean, were your affairs just much more complicated than the average person, do you think, or kind of. Kind of tell us about some of the stuff you had to deal with there?

I think mine was a bit more complicated, but not. But the basics are all the same. I just had more of it because I had a business and my husband had a business. And it got complicated from that standpoint because I was kind of dealing with three entities. But the basis is the same. You still have to set up a filing system. You still have to figure out what goes where. What you don't want is a desk full of yellow stickies all over the place. You need to get an organizational way to go about it, and that's important. You have to know when the mail comes in. It's a valuable source of tracing paper trails. But you have to get rid of the junk. You have to know how to prioritize who you have to call right away. One of the things that I found. And this can go no matter how small your estate is or how really complicated. And I don't think I'm that complicated by any means. But whatever it is, you've got to put together a team, which is the way I look at it. You must have an attorney. It doesn't have to be a Park Avenue attorney. You can go online. There are lots of legal advice, but make sure you check it out very carefully. There will be papers to sign. You need an accountant to help you. Or with tax ramifications, changing whether you had everything in trusts or whether your homes were in joint tenancy or there are safety deposit boxes to find. You need legal and accounting advice and financial advice. I think the first thing that people think immediately is, I'm going to be destitute. I'm not going to have it. I'm not going to have the money. Is there insurance? Is there not? There are so many different forms of insurance that you don't even know. You may get from your husband's or wife's business place, from an association, from a credit card. It's your job to find these and then take action. And I tell you how to do it in the book.

So insurance, I mean, there's just a lot of complexity. Did you have a living trust?

Yes.

Was everything in the trust or did you have to deal? Well, no. With a spouse though, it's different. You don't have to. You had probably an AB trust, I believe, right?

Yes, but I think many people aren't aware of it. Actually, I, we had one trust and then after my husband died, I learned about that there are two trusts. There's a decedent's trust, which is also the B trust. And I had to figure out what monies, what the difference was between the two and what money went into one and what property went into the other. But one way or the other, if there is a trust involved, you now have two trusts. And when people don't realize, well, everything was in both our names. Well, what happens now is everything that was in both of your names now has to be switched over to your name alone. And that means signing myriads of papers, sending death certificates along with the change, having everything notarized. So one of the things I recommend immediately is get at least 15 to 20 original copies of a death certificate because that all will be accepted. Yes. Even though I had a trust and a will, the amounts of work didn't change. Wow.

It's just amazing. I mean, do you have an estimate of how many hours you had to spend on this and how long it lasts? Is it a sort of a three month or a six month process or how long does this go on or is it just ongoing forever?

It's very interesting that you should ask right now. Basically it depends upon how complicated your estate is, but generally it takes at least six months. In my case, it took a year and a half. I had a lot of things I had to solve and last week I got a piece of paper from something that I thought had been handled and wasn't and was told that if I don't handle this immediately and file with the irs, I will lose all of this. And I thought it was all done. So does it end? It dwindles down 99.9%. But there's always something else. But in my case, it took me about a year and a half till I felt I have this all under control. Many people can do it in three months to six months. And again, it depends upon how prepared you were in the beginning. That mess of majority portion of what I'm going to talk about is because you can do this preemptively. Now, if somebody had said to me six years ago, we'll go through this, fill out all these papers, know where this is. You know, I would have said I'm living now, I don't have to handle it. But what I found that people are doing now, young people are going through all the lists with their spouses and saying, or preparing it if they have grown children and they're alone saying, okay, do I know where all of this is? Not filling out forms or anything, but being aware that you will need these things. Do you know where they are? And again, if you're a private person, you make a list of this is where everything is. You don't have to say what's in it, how much is in your bank account, but you can find it in my left hand drawer in my bedroom or this is underneath the sock drawer in the study. Just let people know where things are.

Right, right, exactly. Yeah. It's unbelievable how much we accumul during our lives, both physically and, you know, in terms of with outside parties, accounts and so forth. Just to just to track all this down is just a huge, huge job. Well, anything else you'd like people to know on checklists, notifications, documentation, organization?

Yes, I really do. I think it's so important and that's why I created in driving solo and the chaos to control manual part of it. Checklists where you can fill in all the information of the names of anything from the insurance company down to the car and monies that you owe moneys that are coming into you policy numbers, beneficiaries. You have it all in one place either in the book or you can download it. It tells you how to prioritize, what you need to do, what you need to discover. There are so many government papers and civil. I mean people don't think, well, if I've been divorced, where are my divorce papers? Where do I keep my passport? Do I have any agreements for post office boxes? All of these things are there and I have the checklist where you check off whether you've completed it or you're working on it or you're going to do it later on. But you have in front of you everything from real estate partnerships, if you have them, to health care directors, power of attorney. So you really need to get yourself organized. And you have an A list of what you have to do right away and then a B list. And part of those things, which I found was very interesting, one day I realized that my husband had so many miles from that he accumulated from flying. What happens to those? Isn't that terrible? I called the airlines and found that with a death certificate, I was able to transfer all of that into my name. And now I had. I was able to travel great distances by just making that phone call.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Yes. That's the stuff they hope you'll forget about.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, right, right. I mean, how many people would think you get to inherit the frequent flyer miles? I mean, that's a very good point. And. And for some people that can. That can be 700,000. A million miles, you know, can send you around the world many times, first class, you know, so.

Right. Jason, what really prompted me to write is when I thought of that and I said, my goodness, I'm thinking of this and I've never heard of it before. Do they even do this? And that's when I said I found out stuff. I know things now from this horrible experience that I can help somebody else.

Sure. Yeah. That's really good to get the word out there about this kind of stuff. What else would you like people to know about? Maybe phase three? Let's talk about that for a moment and wrap up there on a new roadmap. Updates, cancellations and evaluation of financial situation, budgets moving forward.

Once you've done the paperwork and all the filing and so on, then you say, I'm really alone. I've got to figure out what to do with this. So you have to know what you have in your assets, what liabilities you have, and don't make any decisions at the beginning. Don't be hasty. Give yourself a year before you make any major changes. And that is very vital. You're not thinking right, and we're so emotional. So I advise people to do that, and then I advise them after they know everything that they have and they figured out what their costs are and expenses. And that's something that many people don't do. They know they live within their means and they save money, but you don't realize how much you spend on greeting cards and birthday gifts and the latte that you're getting at the coffee shop. Once you kind of get a handle on what you're spending and what you have, you say, now what am I going to do with my life? And then you need to talk to somebody professionally, a financial planner. And at the same time, you've got to get out in the world little by little.

The thing I want to say there. Let me just. I'll let you finish your thought there, because it sounded very important. Of course. But the thing you got to be careful of is you go talk to that financial planner and you Got another person that's potentially about to rip you off.

Watch out for the sharks of Wal Street, I call them.

Oh, believe me.

From personal experience, I overpaid on so many things. That was very unnecessary. Had I had my book, I wish I had my book, then it would have helped me. Don't just go to the first person that you see online for a name. Ask for referrals from people that you really trust. And when you talk to somebody, your gut will tell you, this guy is just too sleek for me. This is not going to work. Speak to a few people, get their opinions. Don't have to reveal everything that you have. But tell them what your concerns are and what do they recommend for you? That's due diligence and you have to do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, fantastic advice, Susan. Thank you so much for sharing this with us today. The book is on Amazon.com with 14 reviews. It has five stars currently. It's entitled Driving Dealing with Grief and the Business of Financial Survival. If one experiences grief, let's not make it worse by having a second set of financial grief afterwards. So get a copy of Susan's book. And Susan, also give out your website if you would.

Yes, it's susanalpertconsulting.com Simple. My name was Consulting because I do run the Chaos to Control program as well. So it's all pretty much there.

Yeah. And by the way, tell us a little bit about that program. We talked about the book more, but not enough of what is the program.

The program is actually the second half of the book. When I started the program, I needed a tool for people to work with and that tool became a manual. And then I said, this is only good for people. I'm working with one on one and a lot of people need that. They need a support at the same time. So I work through these steps with them and guide them into finding what they need with a good emotional support in the background. But then I put it in the second half of my book so it's accessible to anybody if they have the book.

Fantastic. Well, Susan, thank you so much for joining us today and keep getting the word out about this.

Thank you so much, Jason. I really appreciate speaking with you.

Have you listened to the Creating wealth series? I mean, from the beginning? If not, you can go ahead and get book one that shows 1 through 20 in digital download. These are advanced strategies for wealth creation. For more information, go to jason hartman.com.

Thank you for joining us today for the Holistic Survival show Protecting the People, Places and Profits. You care about in uncertain times. Be sure to listen to to our Creating wealth show, which focuses on exploiting the financial and wealth creation opportunities in today's economy. Learn more at www.jasonhartman.com or search Jason Hartman on itunes. This show is produced by the Hartman Media Company, offering very general guidelines and information. Opinions of guests are their own and none of the content should be considered in the individual advice. If you require personalized advice, please consult an appropriate professional information deemed reliable but not guaranteed.