#79 I Just Bought a Startup - w/ Jack Kuveke

Jack, I have something to tell you.

Yeah?

I have acquired a masturbation company. It is called Goon Maps.

Let's blow up the internet. From the basement to the higher net. Scrolling, tapping, man, we ain't done yet. Let's blow up the internet.

So what Goon Maps is, it's a social media for gooners. And so you can tag your goons anywhere. I've already tagged one at the Statue of Liberty, actually. And I acquired Goon Maps because it's good for your prostate, so.

Well, it's actually interesting 'cause I legitimately went to the Statue of Liberty this weekend and I was confident I saw a man, like, right, like, he was on the fire that she holds up.

That's where I did it.

Guards were tackling him.

Yeah, yeah, I laughed at it.

He was screaming, they're like, "It's all over me, it's all over me." Didn't know who it was.

I lasted 1776 seconds, actually.

That's very patriotic of you.

Yeah, yeah, it was, it was pretty solid. And so that's why I decided to acquire Goon Maps. You know, it's a very serious purchase. So Memelord Technologies, it's, it's, it's a partnership, you know, a mutual beneficial acquisition. Yeah. And, you know, I'm expecting to talk to Fox and CNN and stuff about it because You know, it's obviously one of the biggest acquisitions. We're in an acquisition dry-up right now, right? It's actually pretty surprising that—

Well, it's funny because Gooning, before, like Gooning is, there's kind of a dry spell before Gooning. Yeah, exactly. So it's almost like it's spiritual.

Honestly, like the fact that Figma wasn't allowed, or Adobe wasn't allowed to buy Figma, but I could buy Goon Maps, that feels a little wrong.

It does, and considering like at this point in time no one's having sex anymore, they're all Gooning. Exactly. So the market's like what, like, 7 trillion people.

Yeah. So I do think I might be able to get an ROI on it, but probably not.

So it's— Can I ask a couple questions?

Ask me. Ask away. Yeah.

How many users do we have? Like 12. Because I expect to be involved.

12 or so. 12? And I'm one of them.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, you got to dogfood your own product.

Yeah, obviously.

It's really necessary.

I was the first one. So it was started by a friend of mine. Named Kevin and, you know, Kevin Wang. No, no, Kevin. Kevin Russi.

Okay.

And, you know, it was a very serious purchase, man. Like, I believe in this. I also think it will make great content and that's really it.

Yeah. Do you have like a short-term goal?

Short-term goal? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe like 13 users, I think.

13 users. Well, we can— I can solve that tonight. All right.

There you go. So we actually do have users across the world, which is pretty fantastic.

All 12 of them.

Yeah, all 12. There's only 7 continents, Jack. You got to remember, you only need 12.

If you get Antarctica. Yeah, maybe you have— we have to go. Maybe we go on a trip to Antarctica and we do the first goon.

So in a few days from when this is published, I'll actually be visiting my little brother at University of Pittsburgh.

Okay.

And so the plan, we're going to recruit college kids to goon maps and I got swag. It's coming in the mail. And so I basically am going to walk around University of Pittsburgh trying to get young college boys to log their gooning for, and for the goodness of prostate cancer.

Can I say something though?

Yes.

You can't discount women, all right? That's true. They're out there, they're just not more vocal about their goons. But in that, and by the way— They're quite proud, yeah. Well, depends. Yeah. But that's sexist. They need to have the, you know, the support from the community as well.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely agree for the most part, but this is an app for men.

Generally only for men.

I don't think women masturbate. No. Oh yeah. Like, it's the same reason they don't orgasm.

I would ask one, but the only one that I know is my mom, and it seems like a breach of contract.

They don't orgasm, I heard.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's impossible for them.

Yeah, exactly right. There should be a SaaS for that.

Yeah. For what? Orgasms?

Yeah, dude. Did you know there's an app called ButtPlug.io? I'm not even joking. It is open source sex toy algorithms. A friend of mine invested in it. I'm actually dead serious here. That way, like, if you want your own algorithm or your own steadiness, like the vibration.

Yeah, I was gonna say specific vibration.

Some girls are bzz, bzz, some girls are bzz, right? And so if you wanna create your own, and it could be kind of romantic. You could imagine making one for somebody. That's the modern mixtape, Jack. You look at me like I'm crazy.

I'm not.

That's the modern mixtape.

Are you actually serious?

I'm dead, buttplug.io. Yeah.

So if I look this up after, there's going to be a botplug.io on the internet?

100%.

Yeah. Okay. I was just making sure. Not that I'm going to go on immediately after, especially while I'm gooning.

Honestly, we might have another mutual acquisition there at some point.

I think there is absolutely—

Yeah. It's pretty crazy, man. I started Memelord Technologies 6 months ago. I've already acquired a company.

Yeah. You could acquire mine too.

Gibroni Capital?

No, not that one. I've got a couple others.

What other companies do you have?

I have one called ISIS. Really?

Yeah. Dude, I heard they're, uh—

Well, 'cause, you know, they get all the branding, right? So, like, my thought is if I just— Hamas, ISIS— Wait, bro.

Terrorist branding organization. Well, that's what I'm saying. Oh, use our marketing prowess to help terrorists. That's good.

Or—

They've got a lot of money, too.

Or they get a lot of hits, right? Like, people Google Hamas. SEO. Right?

SEO for ISIS must be crazy.

Right, no, that's what I'm saying.

Also, why aren't they probably pissed off the god? Isis and the Greeks. Oh, they're probably really angry.

Those gods died years ago.

Yeah, but Isis, that was a rainbow god, right?

Can we go back to like Greek mythology?

I love Greek mythology.

I think everyone could band together around those religions. Like you sacrifice a goat together, you drink ambrosia or eat ambrosia or whatever. Like it's— there's something nice.

I feel like sacrificing Timothée Chalamet, like that's the only way.

He basically is a goat. He looks kind of like a—

or a centaur maybe.

Yeah, he would be a— he would be like All centaurs are supposed to be twinks anyway.

So also speaking of branding agencies, what do you think about this? High Agency, it's just branding for weed. And it has the play on words of high agency, like the tech thing of high agency. Yay or nay?

I'm kind of into it because obviously weed people are just addicts.

And they're low agency people.

They're incredibly low agency.

Right, right.

As two reformed potheads, we would know best.

Yes.

It's amazing. I had like, I used to join investor calls high. Yeah, yeah. Because I'd be like, it would be like late at night. I would go to class high, dude.

Yeah. All the time.

Call me and be like, "A VC wants to get on the phone right now." I'd be like baked on my couch, just like, "Fuck." And then I have to go out and like pitch to people and be a real person.

Dude, I was going through my notebook when I was on LSD. Dude, I thought I was the wisest man.

I know, everyone does.

Yeah.

You feel like you're like looking into a portal of destiny.

Yeah.

And in reality, you're just like drawing like dicks on a screen or something.

Basically.

Yeah.

Basically. It was not good, man.

Yeah.

A lot of cartoons. Maybe some business ideas there.

Is that where Memelord Technologies came from?

Memelord Technologies came from a trip with God. Really? Yeah, and by that I mean I flew to Austin.

Right, and met Joe Rogan. Texas, yeah.

No, I just had some barbecue, bro. That's about it. I thought of a cool name.

Yeah, okay. Well, that's pretty much the same thing.

But Goon Maps definitely came from God.

I think so.

Masturbation comes from God.

Yes.

I really think that.

He gave that gift to us.

He did, he did.

On the 8th day. No one talks about the 8th day.

They all talk about the 7th day. The end is the original vagina. It's true. That is what they said.

Yeah, we all know Adam wasn't getting shit because like Eve was like a little bit—

she's probably really pissed off.

Yeah, she wasn't too happy.

She didn't have any friends to hang out with. Yeah, dude, my wife gets really angry if she— if her friends are busy. Imagine Eve, no friends on earth, right? Yeah.

Does your wife get mad when you hang out with your friends?

No, no, she understands generally. Yeah, but unless she's there.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because like when I went over and met her the first time, she seemed lovely, but I could also see like daggers in her eye, like her job.

She wanted to kill you, but like not in a bad way. Yeah, she was She's very scary. Yeah.

Yeah, I can see in there.

I'm terrified of her, but I love her.

No, I know. I get it.

That's, that's part of the joy of marriage.

All good relationships have like some sort of unbalanced power dynamic.

Afraid of somebody, then why are you even hanging out with them?

There's no point.

Yeah, exactly. Especially marriage.

No, I agree.

Yeah. Yeah. I was definitely a little worried when I told her about Goon Maps.

Sure.

You know, what would my wife think of me buying a masturbation app? Yeah, she was very excited, actually. Thought it'd be great.

Yeah.

And oh, I told my mom.

Really?

Yes. She was like, you didn't do this. And then I told her the price. She's like, that sounds fair.

What was the price?

The price for Goon Maps? $1,000. Yeah. Yeah. $1,000 for Goon Maps. It was the best $1,000.

No.

When you think about it, like, all right, let me, let me break down my thought process here.

Sure, please.

It's stupid app. I know, right? Goon maps. It's a silly idea. But how much content can I come from this? Pay somebody a grand. If I get, you know, you know how our business works. If we have a few clients, if we get, you know, something goes viral, you can make tens of grands from that or more, right?

Hundreds. For sure. You can make hundreds of dollars.

Hundreds of cents maybe if I'm lucky. And we'll do the merch, we'll do it all. So, you know, this acquisition, man, $1,000 was, it's the first of many. Basically like a Warren Buffett kind of thing at this point of gooning.

Yeah.

Yeah. Goon technology.

Somewhat changing course, but like kind of on the same topic. You're pretty plugged into like the tech industry.

Yeah, yeah, goon tech.

Yeah, goon tech for sure. Yeah, like what's the, like the sauciest piece of like drama? Did you see the post this week? Oh, you tweeted this out of like the, the chick who is like shitting on her wife. I know, shitting on her husband on LinkedIn. Yeah, yeah, being like he has no like LinkedIn certifications and therefore he's a loser.

Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking we do a goon map certification, right? Right. So you know how some people want to see like all 50 states? Yes, that's pretty lame. Like, what's the point of seeing them if you don't jerk off in them?

It's basically like it never even happened.

Exactly, exactly.

Like, I think the last state that I would jerk off in is Arkansas.

Really?

Because it just seems like it's the least, like, exciting to go to, you know?

Mm, I don't know about that.

Maybe like Oklahoma's worse, like drier. Like, what's the worst state to visit?

Hawaii, probably.

Hawaii? Yeah, you wouldn't want to jerk off in Hawaii. Imagine if you jerk off into a volcano though.

I've done it.

What would happen though? Like, what if your DNA melds with the volcano and it forms like a, like an entity of some sort? I'm pretty sure that's what Scientology is.

Dinosaurs. I think Scientology— we should, we could probably make a lot of money in Scientology.

We should become Scientologists.

I'm just saying, like, there's probably a lot of money in— want to know who's really good at, uh, at spreading religion? Brian Johnson.

He is, dude.

When you think about it, like He's just going for the next Joseph Smith Mormon kind of thing.

Well, isn't he Mormon?

He's Mormon.

Yeah.

He's not anymore. He's Don't Die-ism or whatever.

Dude, everything in tech is just a fucking cult. Like all these people, like the whole don't die, like optimize everything in your life. Like you go so far to try not to die that you literally stop existing as a human being. You do nothing fun. There's no living. Like when someone invited me to like an ice bath party where they drink like, like mushroom supplement shots and like do ice baths and meditation. I was like, there cannot possibly be something that I want to go to less.

And dude, I really think it is definitely a sign of like a mid-tier founder if they're doing that. Like the two people I know who do ice baths regularly are both like, one is totally bankrupt, like the other is for sure totally faking it. Yeah. And they both invited me at like 8 a.m. I was like, dude, no, we need to bring back religion.

Like, like devout, devout, devout religion. I don't— again, I think Greek mythology is fine.

Yeah. Greek. I feel like Judaism—

what is Kwanzaa? Is that a religion?

I think— I feel like Judaism is, you know, I grew up Jewish, but I feel like Judaism is too controversial at this point. So I think Scientology—

it's got bad branding right now.

It's got bad branding. Yeah.

Which I mean, I will say, like, all of my favorite people—

George Soros was not good for the Jews.

No, he wasn't. He really wasn't. If anything, we should— we should talk about that. We should— what about PR for Jews? We could do PR branding for Jews.

So we do PR for Jews and Hamas and ISIS. Yeah.

Were they gonna—

Dude, it's like the meme where you come out both sides on top.

Right.

I like it.

We could bring them to a table together.

I do like the PR agency for terror. They have so much money.

They have a ton.

And people hate them.

So much.

Dude, honestly, there's a lot of money there.

There is a lot of money there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could probably help them go viral on LinkedIn. You're pretty good at that.

If ISIS starts advertising on LinkedIn.

Yeah, yeah.

I will be so happy.

The CPMs might be pretty solid.

It could be.

What do you think? What do you think a cost per acquisition of an ISIS member is like? Their advertising of getting a new member, right? We pay for newsletter subscribers potentially, right? If you're running ads, you know, apps pay for CPA. What do you think CPA of a cult is or, you know, a terrorist organization?

It's got to be a couple grand, right?

You think it's that high?

I think it's got— I don't know.

TikTok, it's probably $2.

It's true. Well, now that's— it's going away. Where are they going to do run Meta ads? Although, Elon Musk might let you run Meta ads again. He's like, listen, I know for the last couple years you couldn't do anything cool on Facebook, but we're bringing things back. ISIS is allowed to go. I mean, after, whatever, like, isn't Al-Qaeda on Twitter?

Probably.

They're Al-Qaeda.

Dude, if Athletic Greens can run ads, so should Al-Qaeda.

They're both cults.

Yeah, they're both cults.

They're both cults.

Definitely.

What if Bryan Johnson did a collab with ISIS?

I think we're totally gonna get— is this gonna get like censored on YouTube? Probably. Maybe. Whatever, it's all good.

Well, one's trying to— well, ISIS kind of isn't trying to live. They're trying to die.

So it's called Do Die.

Do Die. Yeah, yeah, they join forces. Yeah, what if we— what if maybe this is gonna be for the best? Like, what if Bryan Johnson can convert all the ISIS members to instead of like doing terrorist bombings or whatever, doing ice baths and taking mushroom shots and like working out and doing like plasma Like, you know, you ever see like someone on Twitter like that? It's like, I removed all the plasma from my body.

Yeah.

And like, I got new plasma.

Yeah.

Like, what if ISIS members started doing that and they got like really jacked and they're just like, I'm reading like Zero to One now. I'm really focused on that right over here. Right. No.

So we get ISIS on the don't die mentality. They won't want to commit suicide acts. This is brilliant.

It's not my worst idea.

Why aren't you working in the government at at this point.

Well, I, I tried. I didn't pass security clearance.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely wouldn't.

No, no, they— well, it's funny, my, my brother, uh, had to get security clearance to work at the Pentagon, and like, they, they have—

it took kind of a while because he was like, takes like 6 months at least.

Yeah, you know, because you have to be like, yeah, we're not that patient. No, they're not that— we're not, we're not nearly that patient. No, Memelord Technologies will be worth a trillion dollars by the time you get security clearance.

Yeah, I'm not getting security clearance.

It's never— the only way you'll get security clearance is if you literally win the presidency. That's the only way you become the first Jew meme lord.

Actually, Trump, there's been a meme lord.

Yeah, there's been a meme lord.

And Vance is a meme lord too. He's going to be president.

They're so good. They're so good.

100%. So let's talk about your startup. Okay. Your next venture.

Yes.

So how can we tell if a CEO is a fraud?

Yeah, well, I'm building the platform that's called Is My CEO a Fraud?

So it's, I would assume, like AI, some fancy algorithms, basically like AlphaSense.

Right.

Right? Like one of those fancy finance companies.

Well, you can find, there's a couple clear indicators that someone's a fraud, right? The most obvious, but the least common, is did they make Forbes 30 Under 30?

Yeah, yeah.

Clear indication. There's like literally a 50 to 70% chance that they've committed fraud.

That's actually why I nominated you for Forbes 30 Under 30.

We should nominate each other for Forbes 30 Under 30.

Oh no, no, I only nominate to my enemies. I would never do that to a friend.

Oh, that's why we get along so well, exactly.

That's a good PR company too. We nominate people for Forbes 30 Under 30 that don't want it.

No, no.

Like all the Twitter anons who think they're too cool.

Yeah, we dox them and then get them to be on Forbes 30 Under 30.

Oh my God, it'd ruin their clout in SF.

Yeah, how do you feel about anonymous accounts on Twitter?

So they have no skin in the game, so they have a lot less to lose. So my advice personally is never argue with an anon. You could talk to them, you can make money from them, you could be friendly. But once you argue, they go low, right? Because they have nothing to lose. And so I get attacked by Anons all the time, you know, crypto Anons or just weirdo Anons on the internet.

What do they say?

Just like they'll attack, you know, religion, they'll attack my work, they'll attack whatever, they'll insult you. And like, you just can't, like, argue with them. Yeah, you can't argue with somebody. It's like arguing with somebody who works in consulting about the value of their job.

Right.

Right? Like, they have none.

They're like, "It's optimization, Jason Levin." Exactly.

Right. Exactly. Dude, I asked my sister what she does. She works at Accenture, and she just texts me back, "Beep boop beep boop." That's her entire job. She doesn't know what her job is. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not even sure what Accenture does. I know it's like consulting.

Yeah.

But what does that really mean? Like stopping Pfizer from getting in trouble for killing a million people?

Consulting is going down, bro. It's just ChatGPT with a person.

I know.

Who needs that?

I know my primary business and revenue source is consulting.

No, I mean, like, big consulting.

No, but I'll tell you firsthand that it's, it's, it's going to be out. Like, someone will ChatGPT me within the next 24 months.

Well, that's why you're building ismyceofraud.com.

That's exactly right.

Is that the domain?

Is your CEO a fraud?

Okay.

Dot com.

So use this fancy AI algorithms. Yes. You probably need their Social Security number, right?

Yeah. Well, that's mandatory.

Okay.

Yeah, for sure. So they submit their Social Security number, their email. Their date of birth, their mother's maiden name, and then we have everything we need to determine whether or not they've committed fraud or will commit fraud. And we look at a number of things. It's like, do they have a newsletter about AI tips? Okay.

Oh, dude, that's a big one. If they have prompt tips, 100% a fraud.

Yes. If they have any sort of like online course.

Yeah.

I am planning on launching a course. Yeah, I have heard. But I am also a fraud. I'll be the first to say, I mean, it's my greatest fear.

We have fun. With it. Yeah. So I want to talk about a few other businesses as well. So speaking of ChatGPT, speaking of a ChatGPT version of Jack.

Sure.

So what about a ChatGPT, like, God as a service, essentially? Oh, so religion is probably one of the biggest moneymaking things in the world.

Yes.

Some would call it fraud. Some would be devout.

Right.

We've been talking about religion a lot. What about God as a service?

Well, it's funny because if AI gets advanced enough, it literally will be like omniscient.

God as a service. But you pay and we sell it to people who need it.

Yes.

Is that, I mean, what a cliché. OpenAI, this is great.

What do you have to, every day you have to cure my sins to it?

Yeah, yeah, dude. Oh, confession.

Confessions.

Yo, we should have people confess to us and then blackmail them.

No, of course. Obviously. That's the only logical next step.

I like that.

So, okay, so God AI, you ask God questions like, "You know, dude was jerking off in my mother's closet, like bad, you know?

Again, going gooning in my mother's closet." Well, it's not bad if you get to market on Goon Maps, actually.

That's a good point.

'Cause that's good for the prostate.

Yes.

But only if you market on Goon Maps. Sponsored by Goon Maps.

Okay, so, all right, so you can confess to God AI.

Yeah, I do think confessions, like somewhere for people to confess, People need that, man.

What if—

That's the main reason I think people go to therapy.

I want people to also be able to sic God AI on their enemies.

Oh, 100%.

Be like, "You know what you did." Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. If God can be sending them threats and emails and stuff, that would be ideal.

So, you know, I started Elon Email, which is basically like Elon as a service, where Elon gives you advice, sends you what did you get done this week, right? And it gives you advice. I think we need to up it a bit to God.

I do think so.

I don't think Elon is powerful enough.

Not yet.

No, no.

He needs another 20 years. Like, Elon at 90, he could actually transcend. He could be God. With Neuralink, he could become God.

He could be God. Yeah. So speaking of Neuralink, actually, this goes perfect. There's a lot of apps around digital minimalism, right? Our friend Randy Ginsberg, he's all about digital minimalism. But what about for the people that don't spend enough time on screens?

Yes.

Digital maximalism, right? So there's apps to help people spend less time on screens. What about an app to help people spend more time on screens. Like, you have some really low-paying, uh, maybe it's a shoveling job or whatever, you know, lawn care. We want to get you on screens more.

Yes, screen maxing.

Screen maxing.

Like looks maxing but for screens.

Yes, screen maxing.

My brother Paul once said, he was like, I, I'm just trying to spend more quality time with my phone. I don't spend nearly enough.

100%, exactly. That's what I'm trying to do this year is I'm really like trying to argue with as many people on the internet as possible.

Yeah, I— one of my friends is actively trying to destroy a business on TikTok right now. Nice, nice.

That's awesome.

Because it was like a salon or something.

That's such a good endeavor. Like, it's so wholesome. Like, we don't get to go to war anymore.

I know. She called me, she's like, I made $1,000 off this. And I'm like, what? She's like, off of— I'm getting so many views on TikTok. I'm like, this is great. Like, this salon is in like— is like in California, in like in literally hell right now. So it's all burning alive. And like, she's forcing her employees to go to work during the fires, which are— by the way, I actually don't even have a problem with this. Like, my friends kind of need it.

Haircut. You have great hair. What are you going to do if you were in LA?

No, Sergio will come to my house.

You got a guy that comes to your house?

No, I go—

I've been looking for one of those guys.

I go to his house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a bisexual hairstylist who was—

They all are.

Elton John's personal—

Really?

Yes. He's cut like all—

That makes sense.

He does all of the models in New York's hair.

Really?

Sergio is the man. You go and he's very Russian. He'll be like, "Oh, how's it going?" And you'll be like, "Ah." 'Oh yeah, Elton John tried to suck me dick, but I just couldn't get hard. It's just like, I like a skinny guy's abs and stuff, you know.' He's like, and then, but then, and then he'll be like, 'It was, I was just dating this girl, but they're too much work.' It's just like, I, that's why I like—

he would be like a Goonmaps, uh, I feel like he would, he would be a brand ambassador.

I feel like he's retaining, if I'm being perfectly honest. Like, he's saving his seed.

I don't believe in semen retention. I, I believe in the opposite.

Oh, I know. Based off of our text chats. Oh, I know.

Based off Goon Maps.

Yeah, I know.

I actually, uh, remember like, uh, No Nut November. Yeah, yeah, of course. I did that when I was in high school. I wanted to do the opposite where it was No Nut Left Behind.

No Nut Left Behind.

So anytime you need to, you need to do that next November.

You can definitely get that going viral. Dude, what are people watching this podcast going to be like? All these guys did was talk about cumming the entire episode.

And ISIS. I mean, you came here for the viral tips. We got you. Yeah, talk about terrorism and cum. But seriously, no nut left behind.

Yes.

Obviously, like, you know, so when, when I was in high school, right?

Yes.

You get a boner randomly, right? Don't leave it behind. That's wrong.

Yes, right.

That's, it's like leaving a kid behind.

So what I—

that's wasted potential for our country.

Let me bring you back. So I'm 14 again. Yeah, I'm in gym class. Oh, I'm rock hard in the loosest shorts of my life. So you're telling us I go into the corner or into a urinal and just crank one out?

No nut left behind. Yeah, it's a movement of the future.

It is a movement of the future.

And you mark it on Goon Maps. How do you track? Sponsored by Goon Maps.

How do you track who does the most? Oh, obviously, to be a winner, dude, it's a whoop. A whoop?

Yes, a whoop. So whoop, um, actually has now H-I-I-T, right? Hit. That doesn't actually stand for high intensity. It stands for hitting it raw. Oh, so it tracks your hits. Right, right. And so if you have that mixed with a cock ring to track if you're wearing a condom, you could tell if you're hitting it raw. Wow. Yeah, that's another business idea for sure.

Please.

So Whoop, and you have it on all the time.

Yeah.

And if it goes to zero, it means you died, right? And so it automatically sends your money to your beneficiary. Oh, that's not bad, right?

That is actually not—

that's actually not— that's actually like if you're like rich as hell and you're worried that you're going to get killed and I know you had a crypto past, I feel like you could like some crypto people would definitely be down for that.

I was— I— there's a crypto person who like dies in a puddle like every 6 months. It'll be like he drowned in 2 inches of really weird—

why do crypto billionaires just get lost at sea?

And they always tweet like, if I die in the next 2 weeks, It was— I was killed.

And then John McAfee got suicided.

No, he had a lot of reasons to kill himself.

He was in jail.

Yeah, unalive himself. I don't— what are we supposed to say?

I don't know, man. Who cares? This is going on Twitter. You're allowed to say anything.

Oh, thank God. Yeah, I think— I don't think John McAfee did it. I think he— he definitely—

I read a great, uh, book, uh, autobiography or biography of him recently. That was— he was so smart, dude.

Yeah, he was a maniac.

Yeah, yeah, dude, he Did you know he infected the computers that he then gave to the government?

I did.

That way he could get them as customers.

Yes.

That's what you do with your business, right?

Yes, it's true. I message VCs and I say, don't give my clients money. Yes. So they have to extend their contract.

Dude, I do that with customers too. I purposely make them more boring, right? That way I could sell them memes.

That's a great idea, right?

So insult B2B SaaS. B2B SaaS then needs memes.

Can I tell you about a— it's so much, but it's a business endeavor. So a friend of mine, Jason Levin called me today and he was like, he's a very prolific author. He knows a lot of like the rich and successful.

Like love poems or what? Yes.

Well, mainly about our love, but don't tell his wife. Okay. And he was like, what if we made a podcast for interviewing billionaires to help people who are only $100 millionaires get richer?

That's funny.

And I was like, think about this. John is a successful guy, probably got a couple million. So he's a guy with a couple million dollars interviewing a guy with a billion dollars to help people with $100 million get to a billion.

I like it. Speaking of that, I pitched Bryan Johnson on an idea similar. So he posted about his dating advice, right? And I was like, dude, billionaire's dating advice, that'd be a good book.

That would be a good book.

I got the DM back, but it was—

it was wear a disguise, have a mask.

Yeah, but like, I feel like It is kind of interesting, though. Like, what would his advice be of like, how do you, you know, not saying that he's perfected or anything, but I would love to hear famous men or famous billionaires or, and women too. Like, how do you date for somebody that doesn't want you for money or fame, right? Yeah. I think it'd be a good book. I do. I do genuinely. You don't. I'm no Kathy.

The answer is you don't.

You just assume everybody wants you.

Everyone wants you for your money. Yeah.

So you just go full Kim Kardashian.

Because here's the thing. Even if, say, I fell in love with you, if you told me I had a billion yeah, say, say, yeah, uh, and then you tell me of a billion dollars, I'm— all of my love for you is immediately evaporated and replaced for my lust for your billion dollars.

Have you ever dated a sugar mama? I feel like I could see you being that guy.

No, but I swear to God, I get like 3 to 4 DMs. A woman—

yeah, it's all LinkedIn.

It's all LinkedIn, Mills. A woman literally DM— a woman—

real estate agents, right?

No, this one was a psychologist. She was like a clinical psychologist. She's like, I'm 40, Why aren't we married?

What do you think of a founder fucking their VC?

I know that happens a lot.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know people.

I— of course it happens all the time. I mean, that's like half the reason. I hate to say this, it's not good, but it is half the reason that male VCs invest in women. And that's bad. We don't like that. We don't like that.

Unless you invest in Goon Maps, sponsored by Goon Maps.

Jason Levin will have sex with you.

The masturbation app of the future.

Yeah. You're like, I have— my wife already told me it's okay if it's for Goon Maps.

If it's for Goon Maps, it's okay. Of course. Speaking of that, another app I want to talk about. So dopamine tracking, right? I think that currently software is not addicting enough. Okay.

Sure.

It's not addicting like TikTok. We're getting— it's gone, right?

Yes.

And we need something more addicting. Yeah, right. What are we gonna give opium to the masses to? Well, what if we can measure it, right? And who cares about workflows and onboarding flows and a key to beer? I want dopamine tracking inside somebody's brain.

First of all, if I want, if they go on my app, I want to have them to have the same reaction than if they did Molly.

That's a great comparison. And there might be a product there for sure.

Yeah, maybe that is what, like, that's what, I mean, that is kind of just Goon Maps, right? Like, you're just getting—

Yeah, I mean, Goon Maps.

There's no greater feeling than a goon, right?

Yeah, goon acceleration is a goon hack.

Yeah. What if you start an accelerator for gooners? Right? Like the same thing, like YC, but for gooners?

Yeah. I mean, Goon Maps could potentially, uh, actually—

Can you get an interview at YC for Goon Maps?

Goon Maps probably has more users than a good amount of YC companies.

100%.

Wow. That's pretty wild to think about.

How do you— YC's Funny because they get like 50,000 applications or 100,000 applications. Yeah.

It's a slop factory, but it is the most profitable slop factory of all time.

No, of course. I know. But it's crazy because like some guy will get in, like I know this guy Raymond who got in. Raymond's the man. But he got in with like an idea with barely no, basically no traction. And then I know other people have applied with like literally millions of dollars and YC's like, "Nah, you're not a Google engineer.

I don't really like you." It's about the idea and it's, if you're an AI agent, That's, that's about it right now. I mean, a lot of it is around like what is the current meta. So if you go through the past YC classes, you'll see there's a new meta every year.

100%.

Like, why? One was AI agents, one is like robotics, one is whatever, social apps, consumer social.

Dude, that's how I raised money for a past company. It's like we were talking to VCs and like, well, we're just really into social commerce. We're building a community product and we're like, immediately, we're a social commerce company. And then we just pitched to all of the VCs who didn't get in on the, like, the most recent, like, hot social commerce funding rounds. And that worked. That was 100% VCs. Do you? Yeah.

Did you? Did you nag VCs? You know the scene I'm talking about from Silicon Valley?

Yes, I do. And, you know, no, I didn't nag VCs. I, I joined calls with VCs and I would go, I would tell them like, hey, we're Huddle and we're a metal band out of Des Moines, Iowa. And we would join like literally playing the guitar.

Guitar.

Yeah, actually, 100%, because my co-founder had a wall of guitars behind him. And look, one day we just like—

he just worked at like a guitar shop?

No, it was his basement. He just liked to shred. He was like a grunge rocker. And yeah, and like one day we were like playing the guitar, we were about to get on the call with, uh, this, this VC woman, and we were like using her name as a song. Samara Mejia Hernandez. And we're like singing this whole song, and then we're like, what if we just joined calls doing this.

And you raised money doing this.

I did. I did.

This is like, this is like SBF level of like playing video games during a call, but probably like a little more rizz.

Yes. No, I, I can— this is— I vouch for this strategy. Do something that makes you remembered because if you still give a good pitch afterward, because like, first of all, every VC for the most part is coming in with this like hoity-toity, like, just like they're so bored.

They're on calls all day.

100%. They're talking to the most boring So here's the problem for my financial—

So, dude, did I tell you I was scouting, like doing VC scouting or whatever? And then I realized that VC scouting is just taking phone calls all day.

It's the worst.

I was like, I'm never doing this again.

No, it's terrible.

My first 2 angel investments, I just did. I read a deck and DM'd them.

I know.

And that's it. I know.

I've said that if I did a VC fund, it would literally just be— I would— my friend would be like, I'm raising money. I'd be like, here's $100,000. No, I wouldn't ask any questions.

I sent money before jumping on a call with a founder. I just— I can't even get into it.

It's, it's It's the worst.

People are annoying.

They're so annoying. But literally what would happen is these people would get on these calls and you could see their energy level went from being like, "This is gonna be terrible," to like, "Who the fuck are these guys?" And then it would be fun. Like even when they were saying no, they were like, "This was a blast, guys." So you help founders raise money.

Do you teach guitar as part of it?

I do piano lessons on the side.

Yeah. That's an interesting business model.

It's a very interesting business model.

So we're both building, you know, shitposting media companies. Yes, I would say. Do you have any thoughts about why memes make millions?

Well, I mean, we've talked about this before, but everything is just in this attention economy. Like, no one pays attention to words these days. They like literally don't know. People can barely read. So you need to have good words and copy. The meme hooks people in. They see it and they go, 'Whoo!' And they start to giggle. And then that provides enough incentive for them to read the rest of the post. And if that's good, it goes super fucking viral. But the meme is just like, it's the hook. It's the, it's the shiny syndrome. You know, it's like you see the shiny object. You're like a barracuda in the ocean looking at a Rolex about to go gobble up some like finance bro's arm. And then you attack, you go in for it. That's what a meme is.

I had one go viral on LinkedIn the other day, like 400 likes, and it was Rick Rubin meme. And then a really actually smart post about a prediction around like raising money. And exactly right. Right. The meme is like the silliness. You got the silly dumb lever, right, that attracts attention. And then you got the smart content, right? So silly memes, dumb threads, dumb idea or silly memes and smart, you know, ideas, right? If you make yourself a meme, that also works like, oh dude, we've 100% both of us have done that at this point.

100%.

Yo, on Memelord technologies, there's literally Jason Levin stickers and people make memes out of me or I make memes as well. And like, you know, you got my face. And so we do this actually with, with founders that we work with, like, and we'll, you know, upload their face. Like, you got to turn yourself into a meme. And that's what I did with, you know, my viral subway videos was turning myself into a meme.

Totally.

And you see that on Twitter, on LinkedIn, both of us. You do pictures a lot on LinkedIn. That's actually something I want to talk about too, which is like authenticity arbitrage. Okay.

Yes.

Hear me out. It's very similar to cringe arbitrage. Basically the same thing. LinkedIn, the least authentic place on the internet.

Yes.

And by being silly, by showing photos, by being a goofball on LinkedIn, we're able to go viral, right?

100%.

Because everybody else is so afraid and everybody else is being inauthentic. By being authentic, you're able to stand out.

Yeah. And I'm not, I'm never trying to post a photo of myself like in a suit or something. Yeah. If it is, it's like very ironic. It's like me screaming on the phone at a castle. I did that once. And it was like, that was fun because it was, it was circumstantial. But, but anyway, like most of it is just like, they're photos of me living my life, doing something authentic, and then like I just, and I rip that. But I try and also apply it to whatever I'm talking about. And if you mix like a good photo, like circumstantial, like I'm drinking coffee and then I'm like, I was getting coffee with someone and you say something funny.

Dude, people want real stories.

They do.

And it's the same thing with Twitter, with everything else is just sharing like like real stories and people are sick of the bullshit, man.

Yeah, the only downside or upside depending on it is you do get gaggles of like older women who are sad and lonely on LinkedIn.

I love it.

Yeah.

That's what I live for.

I had a woman the last month who harassed me. Like literally sent me endless messages. Then she was like, I'm in an institution right now. I'm like, like swear to—

How did she get access to LinkedIn? They didn't let me have that.

She definitely was not in one and she My favorite line she said though, this is the babe, she's like, "You make me go crazy. I might have to change my meds." It was like, it was—

That's a good line.

It was really funny.

I'm going to try that.

It was very funny. But I obviously was like, "Oh my God, I have to stop responding." I thought she was just like playing. Most of my followers are cool. They'll be like, they're joking. They said something silly. And sometimes it's not funny. Sometimes I'm not funny. It's all cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

But I just try and go along with it. And then very quickly I was like, "Oh, this woman has like legit problems." problems.

Yeah.

She started talking about her 18-year-old son.

Dude, Tim Ferriss talks about this, where he's like, 0.01% of the internet is literally, like, clinically murderous insane.

It's not that low.

It's way higher. Right, right. But if you have a big enough audience, that turns into tens of people, then thousands, and hundreds of thousands of people at a certain point. And, um, yeah, on LinkedIn, that number's probably a lot higher.

It's so high. I once had a woman in the first 3 months of me posting. So I didn't even have that many followers, maybe a couple thousand. And she sent me— I woke up to 100 photos of her naked. No, that was the weirdest part. I thought like naked photos would have made more sense. It was like her living her life, like drawing something on a catamaran with friends. Like, it was bizarre.

I've never gotten any of this on LinkedIn.

I— it's me. It's— I, I attract it, obviously.

You attract crazy.

I attract crazy.

Does that go for like the rest of your dating life too? Like actual dating life?

Um, I recently— did I show— tell you I was on a dating show recently?

Yeah, you did.

I did.

That was, that was really funny.

That was very funny.

But actually, like, uh, are— do you stick your dick in crazy? Cuz like, that is the one rule that my dad said. Never stick your dick in crazy.

No, I stay away from it. There's a—

I learned that the hard lesson.

Yeah, there was one time, this, this chick I like met on the street during COVID um, she had a plant and I complimented her plant and then we went on a date. She was like maybe almost a decade older than me. I was like in my early 20s at the time.

Yeah.

And very quickly, like, she seemed really— she was really pretty and really nice.

You almost get murdered on the date? Because I— yeah, but I brought her—

I brought her home to, like, cook her dinner, like, on the third date. And then just, like, conspiracies flowed out of her mouth. Like, so it was full QAnon. Like, I swear to God, first 100%, like, left-wing or right-wing conspiracy? Right-wing conspiracy. So the fun ones. So the fun— that's so cool, dude. Can I be honest? It actually was kind of cool. Yeah, I get it.

You know, my grandpa is like a total conspiracy theorist.

That's fine.

And I used to think he was crazy, and now I think he's fucking genius.

Dude, it was— it was very fun. She was a blast. But then it did get to like us, like about to hook up, and I was like, this is a very dangerous road that I'm going— I'm going down. And like, I had to call it off. Like, I walked her home.

Yeah.

After. That was pretty awesome. All right.

Did you make it on Goon Maps for that one?

That was not on Goon Maps. So you didn't— Afterwards. After—

You didn't log the Goon Maps?

No, after I brought it up.

All right, so Goon Maps, Whoop integration. Sure. I think that's probably, I gotta ship that tonight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you do, it's gonna have a boost in users. You're gonna get to dozens of users overnight.

Dozens. Dozens. I don't know. A lot of technology brothers have Whoop. A lot of technology brothers jerk off. Off.

Yes, it's true.

There's a very big overlap. Do you think Will Ahmed would be down if I— if we did some integration? They have Ronaldo. Why wouldn't they have Goon Maps?

They— it doesn't— it doesn't make sense. It's a huge misstep if they don't.

That's what I'm saying.

Now, do you think you could actually sell like a sex course for technology people, like tech bros?

Yes, but I won't.

Not us, but I'm saying we obviously outsource.

I mean, that's what Neil Gaiman basically did with—

no, I think we should get like an attractive gal She would sell the course. Yeah. Who? Some tech bros, just to be close to some, like, relatively attractive gal who's talking about sex.

Yeah.

She's like, you can do this too. I know you don't know how to.

I know that's why some guys pitch female VCs.

Really?

Oh yeah, 100%.

Oh God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We shouldn't let them be VCs.

No, that's— there was, there was the— there was a partner at First Round. I don't think she's there anymore. We got on a call. It was like the, we, the, one of the first really hot day we had fundraising.

Yeah.

And it was like 11:00 PM. We kicked off a really competitive round on a Friday. We get on the call and this woman hated my business partner. Like absolutely hated. I couldn't tell exactly why. I was trying to get to it. I was trying to be like the fun, like lovable younger guy. Like, hey, it would, it's all cool. And then I think he got off of that. It might've been that call. He got off the phone. He was like, I have to go right now. My wife's going into labor.

Click.

And then it was just me and her and she was just, It was like the most awkward, worst conversation of my entire life with anyone.

Nice. That's pretty—

it was a fun experience.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I don't know, man. I think the next step for Goon Maps, you know, I acquired Goon Maps and now it's time to grow it, right? And so I think the only logical next step is to sponsor people jerking off. And so gooning— goon to earn, right? Yeah. There was run to earn that failed. There was step to earn, there was read to earn, there was sleep to earn. But nobody has really done goon to earn. Yeah. And I feel like we should be paying people for masturbation, right? Because when you think about it, masturbation is just practicing for having kids and we're trying to increase the birth rate, right? So if we sponsor people jerking off, Elon will get involved. Exactly.

Exactly. We get— who is it? Bonnie Blue, the chick that just had—

yeah, dude, Lily Phillips responded to my tweet though. I—

that, by the way, that was amazing.

Thank you.

That was awesome. That was peak.

I would love to have Lily, if you're watching this, 'cause I know you respond to my tweets now.

Obviously she's a fan.

She's a fan, you know, what can I say? If you're watching this, would love to have you for Goon Maps. I should hire like an OnlyFans girl or something to be the sponsor.

A fun one too. A lot of them are like very funny.

Yeah, yeah, they are. Yeah, yeah.

Like do you ever see Ayla or Ayla or whatever?

Yeah, she's funny.

She's funny. She's like that whole. Yeah, I think the flowchart.

Yeah, yeah, the Anki flowchart. Yeah, I think you're right. So that's a great idea. Do you have any other marketing ideas to grow Goon Maps?

Oh, that's interesting. We could go— so there's— so obviously there's like all these NoFap, yeah, yeah, yeah, like forums online.

So we gotta make—

infiltrate.

Oh, we infiltrate.

We infiltrate.

You use bots or like Indians?

I think we gotta get a couple. I prefer, uh, Filipinos personally. I find it to be the most effective virtual assistants personally. But hey, I'm just saying, I mean, we could use whatever.

I mean, I was talking about Native Americans.

Oh, that would be exciting. We go directly to reservation. They could get on Goon Maps too.

Yeah.

Has anyone gooned on a reservation yet? Like, has anyone in Oklahoma on where like the Trail of Tears was? The Trail of Tears was— I can't stop laughing.

It's really funny to think like Pomp uses a studio. Mike Solana was here 2 hours ago and now we're just talking about jerking off on a fucking studio. We have weird lives, bro.

I know, I know.

It's just about to get weirder. We're about to build a bunch of startups and film ourselves doing all this crazy stuff.

I know, I know. I can't wait for that. It's gonna be really fun.

So Jack and I are starting, what are we starting? Some sort of show of some sort. We're doing something.

It's a show of some sort.

It's a show. It's a, you know.

It's a reckless fun show about the startup industry. It's basically like Silicon Valley except our lives.

Yeah, Silicon Valley meets Jackass. And we'll be premiering it very soon. But back to the focus.

Yes.

Goon Maps. So, you know, I gotta run and go log one real quick. Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah. All right, I'm back. Oh, that's it? Yeah, I just did it right now.

That's amazing.

Have you ever spontaneously orgasmed? Like, with no hands?

I've been waiting to my entire life.

Yeah, I've tried. Like, just with my thoughts. Yeah. Like, if I could log that on Goon Maps, I'd probably get a few stars.

Have you ever done like the binaural beats that are like, if you listen to this long enough, you'll ejaculate?

No, is that like a—

I did. Is that a Spotify playlist? I do have one I can share.

I think that'd be extra points on Goon Maps. I tried.

I did try.

By the way, you could like goons on there. Just letting you know.

You can like goons?

Yeah. If you want to like goons, you could also follow gooners.

Can you actually—

sorry, that's, that's in beta right now.

Okay.

Yeah, but you can't. You might make— it might help you make friends, Jack. I would love some friends because honestly, I really do think this is the social network of the future. Men are lonely. Jerking off and gooning more than ever.

They should jerk off together. Exactly. Exactly.

That's really what— turn goon maps into one big circle jerk. The entire world.

Should we go to the gay community first? They do have the most sex, though. Yeah, they have way more fun and way more sex.

I think we go to the incel community first.

True.

I really think that's the place to go.

I'm telling you, NoFap forums, we infiltrate. All right, go in there, we join a couple sessions and we just make fun of them and we just make fun of them. Like, your numbers are way too low.

Yeah, rookie numbers, rookie numbers. We got to get McGonaghy on this shit.

Yeah, because the second we start talking about how awesome jerking off is, everyone's going to be like, you're right, it is pretty—

it is pretty cool. It's like the OG cool thing.

Yeah. If you've gone 10 days without it, like we get into those groups there.

You ever try NoFap?

I literally have. I made it. Like more than 2 months.

I made it like 90 days and then I was getting a blowjob and it just like didn't work right.

Really?

Like it was just like a weird experience because it'd been so long that I think my dick was confused. Yeah. And I mean, it ended up working okay.

That's nice.

But it was confusing.

Yeah, I did. The most I ever made was like 60+ days. It was, it was kind of a spiritual experience.

Yeah. Bad for the spirit.

That's why.

Sponsored by Goon Maps.

Sponsored by Goon Maps.

Right. Yeah. Also, if you're If you're watching this, feel free to log one right now.

Yeah, no.

Well, that, I mean, Chrome has multiple tabs for a reason.

Just don't make it weird. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, and please comment and log it.

Yeah, one of my LinkedIn followers is absolutely jerking off to this right now.

It's probably true. Honestly, probably true.

Unfortunately, that's probably happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or fortunately. How can I capitalize on lust, like, middle-aged—

Lust people have for you.

Yeah, people having lust for me. What do I do about that?

Jack, you're a handsome guy, I think.

I don't know about that.

I think the logical thing would be OnlyFans, but we don't want to do the logical thing here.

No, I don't. Obviously. It's too played out.

On the Jason Levin Show, we never do the logical thing.

Never.

So what you do—

Okay.

Start a calendar of naked pictures of yourself with VC advice.

I have actually thought about doing a calendar. I thought it would be very funny.

Yeah, a Silicon Valley calendar of different VCs.

We could do one. I would love to do a calendar.

That's how we make the money.

That would be very fun.

Screw raising money. Let's just start a calendar of VC I bet Mike Solana would be down.

I just remembered one of the craziest companies that ever pitched me.

Yeah.

It was a guy who had invented a new calendar.

Do you mean like a new way to tell time or like a new physical calendar?

A new physical calendar. It had like, there was like no summer, it was like 5 months or whatever. Wow. He had completely thrown seasons.

Was he like schizophrenic or what was going on?

He seemed, and then he told me his numbers. He was like, yeah, we're selling like like $15,000 to $20,000 a month on TikTok right now, mostly to farmers and like, uh, really like astrologers. Yes, 100%.

So Jack, I gotta tell you something.

Okay, so I invested.

My grandpa was the OG astrologist guy. That's how he made a living. Really? Yeah, was selling astrology books on the internet.

Really?

Dead serious.

On the internet?

My grandpa was writing on the internet He showed me all this stuff, how to build a website.

Your conspiracy theorist grandpa was also—

Different grandpa.

Oh, your other grandfather was an astrology guy? So you have a conspiracy— is he a Republican conspiracy theorist?

So one is a Republican conspiracy theorist, one was a very high astrologist. No way. So that's how you get me.

Oh my God, everything makes sense.

That's podhead, now Republican conspiracy theorist.

Dude, that's amazing.

Yeah, so he published like 12 astrology books and really just did it to get girls.

Did it work? Is that how you were made? Did he find his wife that way?

I mean, astrology, dude. That's the way.

That's amazing.

It's really all it's good for. Yeah, it was really weird. I definitely struggled with it. It was like, he was so smart. Like, dude, he was programming in like the '90s, early 2000s. Like, literally made a living as a creator on the internet in like 1997, like early 2000s, right? Like, that's crazy when you think about it. But he was also like super into astrology. But like, you can't really blame him. He was a hippie in the '70s. Activities, you know?

No, that's weird.

But this is, you know, we're getting deep here for a second, but it was actually something that was very confusing, because like, do I keep his legacy going on?

Do I definitely—

Try to make money from these books? Do I start an astrology brand?

I've already told you this.

It's like, no, I don't believe in this stuff.

Well, that's—

But that's never stopped us.

You don't believe in anything. That's never stopped you before.

Yeah, I should get a little more nihilistic, you know?

I completely agree.

Yeah.

Believing in stuff is so 1995. We should be more schlocky about things. Okay?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a time for hollow existences, being a shell of a human, saying whatever you want to get people to believe in you and then profiting off of it. That's literally what social media was invented for. Yeah, this is my halftime speech.

I like it, dude. That's, that's really motivational.

Yeah.

So I should do that with Goon Maps.

Astrology Goon Maps. What's your—

what is astrology? Goon sign?

Yes. What's your sign? You jerked off on this day. It was a, it was a Gemini, like a half moon. Mercury was in retrograde, which means it's like 7 years bad luck or something.

I feel like Gemini— I feel like Scorpio, you definitely have a bigger load.

You think so? Are you a Scorpio? Are you admitting something to me?

I couldn't hold a laugh back on that one.

Do you know, I've been on multiple dates, so I am a Gemini. I'm also an identical twin, which makes it fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But anyway, so I'm a Gemini. Do you ever switch places with your In class we did a couple times growing up, but it's not nearly as exciting as you think, 'cause then I'm just in math class.

You never had like a Suite Life kind of moment?

Well, no, the thing is literally every day no one could tell us apart. Yeah. Even I was in that class. Like they had no idea. People just called me Kuvak. They had literally no idea who I was. So it, it was like not as sexy as I thought. I did change classes one time. My favorite thing that would happen is like I would help my brother get out of things 'cause his teacher would be like, where is that assignment? And it would be like, he could lie and be like, "Oh, I'm Jack." He'd be like, "It's not me right now." People come up to the hallway and be like, "What are you doing?

You should be in class right now." So did you play a lot of pranks in school? I feel like this is actually a good topic. 'Cause I really do believe like, if I could just invest in pranksters, I would. 'Cause I was the OG prankster.

My favorite prank, so I was one of the only people, so I never had social media. I had an Android growing up.

I could see that.

Yeah, and so, but the nice thing about Android phones back then then. Was there like, I figured out how to turn off any projector or device from my phone.

Really?

Yes. So for like literally all of junior and senior, no, I think it was senior year, I fucked with my teachers and just turned off their presentations at all the critical moments and just disrupted class. I played like raunchy TV shows in the cafeteria. Yeah. They bought these huge like TVs as big as this one over here, which no one can see. This is a bad example.

Yeah.

But like, like, you know, 140-inch TVs, like 4 of them were put up in our cafeteria. And so I just started playing, like, I forget what dumb TV show in the middle and all the, like, the lunchroom and all the teachers started freaking out as in like, I'm pumping the volume, it's saying really raunchy things. So I did a lot of shit like that. I was just trying to be a menace.

I loved being a menace.

It's the best.

And now we get to be professional menaces on the internet. You know, yes, that's just the way it works.

Yeah, it comes full circle eventually. You just— I got another kid. I bullied a kid. He was really good. I should say, what I can tell you, like, on Minecraft servers, I was— this kid was like the— he was the worst. He was like mean, nasty, vindictive, or whatever. And so I kind of had this like love-hate relationship with him where he like wanted to be my friend. Yeah, and I didn't have a credit card, or my parents didn't love me, so they hated video games. So I was doing this all in secret. And I had a cracked, hacked Minecraft account and I was building cracked Minecraft servers. I built the largest Minecraft server at the time, but without ever owning an actual Minecraft account. But I got this kid and convinced him to buy me accounts and video games on the internet because I couldn't. He's like, "Yeah, I'll play with you, man, if you buy me this account." And then I never played with him.

Aw, that's dark.

It was not the best thing I've ever done. I'm not proud of it, but it is very fun.

Yeah, yeah, I would definitely say it's funny. How many of those people standing outside collecting money for charity do you think are for scams?

Like, I mean, what percentage of those guys come back, hey, I'm trying to raise money for my basketball team?

Like, yeah, yeah, that's totally not—

not that. But you're talking about like some like dog foundation, be like, do you want puppies to die on the corner of like Union?

I think most are scams.

Yeah, yeah, but well, my most charities are legitimately scams.

—Yeah. Like OpenAI?

—No, oh yes, but also remember like Relay for Life? —Oh yeah. —Remember that? I think it was like 2% of all funds went to like helping whatever that was, cancer or something.

—Yeah, I mean BLM went to houses for people.

—Yeah, well that was just a good idea. Guilting white people into feeling bad and then getting them to donate for you to buy a mansion, I gotta be honest, that's a hell of a scheme.

I kind of respect it. —I almost started JLM. Really?

Yeah, Jewish Lives Matter.

Yeah, yeah, but then we realized they don't.

What about GLM? GLM? Gay Lives Matter? No, Gooners Lives Matter. Gooners—

Goon Maps, sponsored by Goon Maps. That's what I'm saying.

We just bring it full circle.

Do you think I should advertise on Pornhub? I feel like apparently the CPMs are great, dude. I know people who have profited advertising on Pornhub, and I've never actually watched an ad on there.

Should I advertise Jabroni Capital on Pornhub?

Yeah, I feel like that's a good place to find readers. It might not be the worst place. Yeah, I feel like—

I have a male-centered audience.

It's actually— All right, so you have a male-centered audience. I kind of don't though.

It's like 64.

Who doesn't know how to read. That's true. That's perfect.

And I write a newsletter.

Exactly. It's amazing. Exactly. Yeah, I do think— All right, so overarching secret plan here, right? Goon Maps, men. Meme Lord, mostly men, right? Yes. So there is an overlapping audience. If I could mesh the two, I, for sure, gooning while making memes. I don't think that's it. If I could, you know, maybe it's, I don't know, just making memes about Goon Maps. Sure. I think the whole thing is gonna be really, it's gonna be exciting. Like Memelords technology sponsored by Goon Maps. Like maybe have it everywhere. Like, yeah, I don't know. I'm, I'm really excited for this acquisition, man. Like it's one of the biggest moments of my life, honestly.

I'm, I'm, and by the way, we're all proud of you. Yeah. Your wife texted me the other day. She was like, this is a big moment.

Dude, I've been getting a lot of texts everywhere. I have a PR person now, and she wrote up a whole press release, interviewed the CEO that I'm acquiring of Goon Maps. Dude, it was so annoying. My wife asked me, like, hang out. I was like, babe, I have a call with the CEO of the company I'm acquiring. Like, I need to understand how this company works. He's walking me through the whole codebase. And do you know how complex a codebase for gooning is?

It's gotta be complex.

It's so complex because anybody who's making a map for gooning doesn't have like their brain isn't working right. Yeah, right. Because like the wires, you know, you screwed it up by gooning and your keyboard sticky.

So it's like hard to like actually.

So speaking of that digital maximalism, I do think we need to increase how much people are watching porn for Goon Maps because like the more people are watching porn, the more they're using Goon Maps. And this is sponsored by Goon Maps. That's the only way that I pay my bills. So let's think about this.

Porn has been infiltrated in almost every country. Country in the world. Where hasn't— so obviously the Amazon rainforest, that's up and coming. That's a great idea. That's an up and there. They're starting to get into porn.

You get them early, you know, Jeff Bezos, he's got the whole Amazon thing locked down. What if he wants to start Amazon Goon Maps? And he's really good at logistics. He could just jump in there.

What would be— what would you sell Goon Maps for?

What would I say? Nothing, bro. It's priceless, bro. That shit is priceless. $400.

Cash? No, no. All right. What do I got in my wallet? I could, I, I could do this.

I'm going to build Goon Maps into a billion dollar company.

All right. Here, we can do this transaction right now. So I've got, I've got roughly, it looks to be right around $350. It's, I'll take Goon Maps right now. You sold a company live on a podcast. You can say you sold a company.

No. No? Dude, I paid about, you know, 3 times more.

I know, but no one needs to know that.

I guess it could be a tax alpha.

That's what I'm saying. This is like for all your Dogecoin gains. All right, fine. Listen, offer's off the table. You know, next time—

What about a few of your Bitcoin? I know you got a lot of those laying around.

I'm not giving you jack shit. All right? Because I've got that locked up. I wish I could. You staking that shit? Oh, for sure. I put it all in the cum rocket because I'm a gooner and I'm staking it on the cum chain.

So, all right, growing goon maps. Let's talk viral growth here because that is my specialty, right? Sure.

I've grown Memelord Technologies in a bunch of ways.

Ways. I have my dog as my CMO. I use Lily Phillips as a brand ambassador. She, she loves my work. Yeah, she commented. Yeah. Um, we do a lot of cold DMs, we do a lot of outbound sales, and I think the same process will work for Goon Maps. I'm confident of it. Um, I really think, you know, brand ambassadors are going to be huge. Yes, basically like Morning Brew, right? I had Alex Lieberman from Morning Brew on my podcast, and I really just want— I I learned a lot from him about how to grow Goon Maps in that podcast. For sure. Morning Brew did a fantastic brand ambassador program on different colleges. I'm going to speak to classes. Gooner Brew, dude, the morning brew of—

right. It sends you curated porn.

All right, hear me out. I've said this for years.

Nudesletters. Nudesletters. So I, so I put a photo of myself in every newsletter right now. So I just take a dick pic and throw it in there.

I'm just saying that OF stars Newsletters. Newsletters.

'Cause here's the thing, what if you have, like, again, going back to Ayla, she does, she posts nudes anyway. Mix the two. Who's, the reading rate, up.

Art open rape, through the roof. Dude, newsletter would be huge. I mean, I post memes in my newsletter. Sure. And nudes are a little bit more appealing. I do. I love memes, but nudes.

I love nudes. I did post a photo of me High on Mushrooms shortlist at the Pepperidge Farm estate. Pepperidge Farm, like the— The cookie place, yeah.

How'd you, did you get free cookies?

Well, she doesn't— You got a plug? Here's the thing. So my friend who actually called about that podcast today, the dumb one about giving rich people help with getting richer. Oh yeah, the author? Yes, the author.

Is it dumb? How'd they write books?

No, the podcast idea is dumb but hilarious. It's really genius, but it's kind of dumb.

I mean, that's literally what Sam Parr's podcast is.

That is kind of Jan Parr's podcast, to be honest. And he's pretty dumb. He— I'm so glad you said that, dude.

I—

yeah, dude, the amount of people in tech who are like, fine, like, like the, like, rich famous people are listening to, they'll get on a— literally get on a podcast and be like, listen, bro, you wake up 6, all right? That's 2 hours in the morning that you could be sending emails. Doing sales. And I'm like, dude, that's just working hard. That advice has been around literally forever. Forever. They say nothing original. It's the most milquetoast, just some guy gets biceps after selling his company and then he's like, dude, here's how you got to do it.

Yeah. I was getting some of that advice earlier today. People were giving it. So it happens. Yeah. People like to talk. No, it wasn't you. It wasn't you. But I, I really think a lot of viral growth strategies here. I really think like, you know, Nikita Beard just launched his last app, right? Explode. I'm not sure if you saw this. It did really well. And, you know, they have this huge— yeah, it was the Snapchat killer, right? So it's got this, you know, big onboarding flow, a lot of viral growth hacks. And basically I'm going to take everything I learned studying Nikita, especially the G-Wagon, and apply it to Goon Maps. That's the plan, because G-Wagon stands for Goon wagon, right? Really? So I mean, I think— and so I really think I need a goon wagon. Sure. So I have a Jeep right now, and I need to trade it in for a goon wagon. Don't tell people that.

I instantly think you're poorer than you are, okay? If you tell people you have a Jeep, just lie.

I got it when I was broke, okay?

I know, but you're rich now, so just tell people you have a G-Wagon. Paint a Mercedes logo over the Jeep, dude. Half the people looking at it will have no idea.

That's a good business idea. It's not about installing Mercedes symbols on non-Mercedes cars.

Black people have been doing this with Chryslers for like literally the last 30 years. You ever see— like, swear to God, you ever see like a Chrysler with a Bentley grille? Do I see them or do I have— have you seen them? I've got a few. It's one of my— it's one of my favorite things ever. They have like on an $8,000 car, they have like a $3,000 grille. Brilliant. And then everyone's like, yo, bro, check out my fucking—

you ever get a grill? You ever think about getting a grill? Like teeth grill? Yeah. It'd be good for VCs, impress them.

It might— it's an interesting idea.

Like a good smile. It's true.

I thought about getting a teardrop tattoo right here.

Yeah, how many millions you've raised?

Yeah, for sure. It's just 53 teardrops.

I'm sobbing. Yeah, billionaire have 100,000 million or whatever. Yeah, how many millions?

Yeah, I mean, it's not a bad idea. It's— it could be worse.

Yeah, it's for sure happening. Lil Xan, this podcast is going everywhere.

Did he die? I don't know. All these people.

I just remember he ate too many Hot Cheetos and that was the end of that guy.

Really? Yeah. That can kill you. Just like your internal vibe.

I give up Hot Cheetos. Really? Yeah, yeah. I love Cheetos. Yeah, Cheetos are good. I'm not, okay.

This podcast is fucking crazy. We're really off the rails here.

Anyways, back to Goon Maps. Yeah, sure. We can, you know, back to serious business here. Definitely. I have no idea how to measure users, like their penis lengths. Oh. So I feel like that's something important for us to—

You can use AI.

Like, I think Mixpanel has like an option.

What if, okay, so they're gonna be, hear me out, okay? They're jerking off, they're on their phone. We, without telling them, get their camera permissions. That's smart. Then we can see and we could use spatial recognition and AI, like OpenAI.

Dude, they could already do that. There's apps for seeing how much you work out. Like if you did a good pushup, you just have it for life.

Which by the way is a horrible business. The amount of people who've come to me and trying to build like, I'm building a fitness app. To show you like you're in your HIIT workout, right? I'm like, that is the dumbest idea of all time.

You just got to hit it raw. That's it. I know. Speaking of that, I have a theory that I want to run by you. Please. So everybody thinks that Zuck got a PR firm to get cool again. Yeah. I don't think that's what happened. I think that after 30 years of being married or 20 years or whatever, he got a blowjob for the first time. That's not a bad thing. He just got cool again. Like, finally he convinced Priscilla to blow him. Dude, that guy, he grew the fluffy hair, he got jacked. Like, it all came from head.

People like Zuck, their brains operate like AI. They're just taking in information and improving the algorithm. And his algorithm was completely focused on like building like kind of lame companies and like boring, becoming a trillionaire. Yeah.

And then he got head and he was like, oh shit, these Instagram influencers have a point, right?

Then he like called like TI or like whoever, and was like, "Yo, dude, just please start sending me pictures of your outfits every morning." And then he just, like, bought exactly what he wanted to wear.

I genuinely don't think he— No PR firm.

I agree.

Dude, he was cool as shit when he was 18. Yes. And then I think getting that rich, I think people just wanna hate on him, but he got rich so young. Of course. You couldn't underst— Like, that'd be so overwhelming. Yeah. You know? All the world's eyes on you.

You're getting super left and right. Managing 50,000 employees.

Who are all idiots. Yes. And really just, like, like giant children. And then you have like Zuck, and now he's just cool, and it's all from a blowjob.

And it's pretty magical. Like, it's, it's awesome. I also never thought he got a PR firm, 'cause I was like, it doesn't— I agree. I don't think he just grows out— listen, dude, you don't need a PR firm to look at like what he— take what Timothée Chalamet looks like from a looks standpoint, and then dress like a cool rapper. Works. I mean, in fairness, all he's doing is just copying Black people, which white people have been doing for literally 100 years.

Especially Jewish French guys. Like, that's, that's all we've been doing. Yes. Juice, copy, rap.

Yes. Yes. You're smart. You see, they're, they're better. They're working. They look cool.

Style. 100%. Yeah, dude, we, we stuck it.

We suck at that. They define culture.

They do.

Everyone who's like a famous, like, white artist is just trying to look as black.

Pete Davidson. Benny Blanco. He kills it. You know, Carlo, you know Benny Blanco? I want to know his real Benjamin Levin. Really? Does he— is he a J? Dude, he— damn right, he went to Jewish summer camp. Wow. So did Mac Miller. Really? Same summer camp. Yeah, that's amazing. Same, same era. That's amazing.

Yeah, man, that's a huge come up for you guys, dude.

Benny Blanco, that gave a lot of faith to me. Really? Yeah, with Selena. Yeah, yeah, that gave a lot of faith to me and my, my people. Yeah, I'm really grateful for Benny on that one.

No, I would be too. Too.

Yeah, like the fact he can—

who are you not grateful for?

I'm, I'm ungrateful for George Soros, like I said.

Yeah, we create a tier list of all the people.

So George Soros is just like very interesting because he's Jewish. Sure. And he does control the world, so it's just like not good for like all the rest of the Jews who aren't trying to control the world and are just trying to like vibe and like make money and like be chill and go to bar mitzvahs. Yeah. But like he's like the evil one, and so like I get why people don't like us.

Can I, can I be— here's the thing. Yeah, the Jews Jews are the best people at business in the world. We are, yeah. So it makes sense that a Jew is the most, the best at being an evil overlord ruling the world. So in fairness, your guy, like, it was just nature. It's not really your guy's ethnic fault.

I would've rather like him not put corrupt EAs in so he could profit from crime, you know? No, it'd obviously be cool if he didn't do that. Yeah, but also I get it.

Oh, of course.

I guess it's kind of badass. No, I mean, listen.

It's a Dr. Evil trip. It's literally just like 1920s level corruption mobster stuff. Like, it's obviously cool. But the problem is like now you used to, he lived in a time, he's literally what, like 100 now? He's old. No, he survived the Holocaust, bro. Yeah, dude, he's old as shit. But like he grew up in a time where there was just newspapers. It was so easy to get away with being a demon overlord. Now there's TikTok and people are like, yo, this guy George Soros, he's like fucking shit up.

That is actually like Elon's whole thesis of you are the media now, right? Is the fact that you can't get away with shit because everybody is just sharing their ideas all the time. And I do love I love it. Like, you could just call so many more people on their bullshit all the time. Yes. And they have to respond and they have to, like, be honest and they have to fix themselves.

And I do think not responding is the right approach, though. Sometimes. Sometimes. Most of the time. Sometimes. There are points where you have to. Yeah. But not fighting with people. It's my kind of in my strategy because people get mad at me about stuff, but I just never engage. I only respond in jest. All right.

One, one last thing and then we're going to call it, I think. Goon Maps. I think we need to get a politician on to— oh, you know, like Weiner. Oh, he's a sexual deviant. Matt Gaetz. Oh yeah, quit his job to become Attorney General and then he got fired. Yes, before he even got the job. So now he's a newscaster and he's probably broke.

Yes, and he's a sexual deviant. Exactly. Anthony Weiner, Matt Gaetz. Yes, they're just— they're just Obama. Yeah. Oh yes, yes. You think Obama's gay?

I don't think so, but he'll definitely use Goon apps.

I hope he's cool as shit. He's so cool.

He's cool. He's so cool. He's got that natural rizz that we wish we had. I know, he's so smooth. Sponsored by Goon apps.

Sponsored by Goon apps by Obama.

Um, I can't believe I acquired a masturbation app.

Now it's a huge— best day of my life. Yeah, no, I'm, I'm proud of you.

I went from from just making memes to making masturbation apps.

Yeah, I mean, it's combining your two favorite things into one.

So honestly, it's true— laughter and masturbation.

Well, on that note, congrats, buddy.

Thanks, man. This is a ton of fun.