Jack Ramsey hosts a chaotic solo cooking segment with crude vodka-sauce recipes, rants about AI replacing jobs, and stories about his nonna and father's weapons-industry past. He gets fired mid-episode and redirects viewers to alternative platforms.
Alright Jason, so what are we doing today? Jason? Jason's not here today. What do you mean Jason's not here today? He's, uh, he's out this week. So it's just me? Yeah. So I can do whatever I want? No, we have to follow— Okay, so I can do whatever I want, which means I'm sick of tech and I'm following my true passion, which is cooking. Yes, our sponsors are Bolt.new and Brex, which they're probably not gonna be super happy about a cooking show, but who fucking cares? I'll build a dope website with Bolt.new and I'll pay for all the ingredients with Brex. That's what's happening. Tech needs less tech nerds like Jason Levin and more Gordon Ramsays. So call me Jack Ramsey, and I'm bringing back Komodo Dave because fuck Jason Levin and him telling me I can't work with my friends. Hi there and welcome to Cooking with Jack. I hate tech. I'm absolutely sick of AI, which is going to replace all of your dumb stupid jobs. But you know what? The one thing AI can't replace? A well-homemade vodka sauce. Yes, chef. So, if you keep interrupting me, we're gonna have a problem. So today we're gonna make a recipe passed down from generations from my nonna to me. Now we're using as much pork as possible 'cause we're trying to isolate everyone in the Middle Eastern region. Now a lot of Italians, when they like to cook, like to drink a little bit of wine, but because we're making a vodka sauce, we're drinking vodka. And as my nonna always used to say, "You can't cook sober." Rest in peace. She died of liver disease at 58. Mazel tov. Now let's get started on the sausage. So the first thing you need to do when you get— make any sort of sauce, you got to start with the protein. We're going to render this fat down. So we have little bits of chunky pieces of sausage in the pan that we're going to sauté a little bit of shallot, garlic, and that's basically the basis of the sauce. I always like to get my pan as hot as possible, just like I get hot and heavy when I have a girl over and she's eating my ass. All right, so we're gonna take the skins off the sausage. Now, this may seem fairly phallic, but it's not meant to. Dave has a dirty mind and he's a sick, sick man. All right, now before we move on to cooking up the shallots, let's take another shot of vodka because, as I said before, you can't cook sober. More vodka, chef. This one's for you, Nona. L'chaim. Mmm. Ah. Why are we using real vodka? All right, let's dice up these shallots. Yes, chef! Now some people don't like shallots. I don't understand that. They're better than an onion. An onion is like a poor person's shallot. If I'm signaling to people that I eat onions, it means that I'm poor. I don't want to come across to people as poor. But before we put the shallots into the pan, time for another little shot of vodka. Beautiful pour, chef. Okay. Oh, we're both drunk. We should call— should we call our exes, chef? We're not calling our exes. This ended horribly last time. What if we— And we're just gonna do a little bit of vodka because we like to have a little fun. A little bit of fun. A little bit of fun. We got a little silly. Mm. That's good. Woo! She left me for a small Asian man. He was tiny. He must have been 5'5". I swear to God. You know this is a bit. No, this is 100% true. She's fetishizing him, chef. I know. And now we're gonna start building the sauce. And to do that, we need to put the shallots in the pan, sauté them down with a little bit of that sausage fat and olive oil, and start browning it up to get a nice sear. And we're not gonna think about our exes. Oh, I give up. I give up. Are you getting it in the mouth? You're not gonna want that in the end. Gordon Ramsay fucked like half of his sous chefs. That's a fact. Now, whenever I'm making vodka sauce, I like to put in a whole fresh sprig of basil. Directly into the pan while the shallots render down. Watch this become a really popular episode and then we just have to actually do a spin-off of this. Jack, explain what you're doing right now. So now I've opened up these can— is this the only can opener you have, Dave? Yes, chef. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So the next step is for us to boil some pasta water. But if you're too stupid to not know how to do that, this show isn't for you. So instead, I'm going to tell you a story story about my father. So he worked in the weapons industry, and years ago he was on a caravan in the Middle East and he was kidnapped and sent to a cave by a group of terrorists. They wanted him to work on this advanced missile system, but instead of doing that, he built this suit made out of metal and used it to escape with a series of flamethrowers. He launched out of the cave system, landed, and then was sent back to America where he was safe and sound. When he got there, he thought, "That suit was pretty cool," so he started building a new one out of iron. But then there was this other guy, Jeff Bridges— Wait, no, Jack, that's the This is the plot of Iron Man. No, it's not. What? No, this is the plot of my day. This is the plot of Iron Man. No, it's not. So the pasta's done boiling, the sauce has come together, and we just need to do one last thing before we put it all together. And that's one more shot, just for you, Nona. You get the fuck away from me. This is the pasta. This is incredibly hot. Wow. Nona would be so proud. Am I holding this? Well, I hope you enjoyed this software-free episode of Silly Valley Ventures. Oh, one second. I'm getting a quick phone call. Hello? Uh-huh. Yes. Oh, okay. No, no, I understand. Yeah. Bye-bye. Well, Jason has informed me that I have been terminated from the show because he did not like my performance. But the good news is that you can find Cooking with Jack on all social media platforms, although we have been banned from a couple such as Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Weibo, WeChat, Viber, which I think is the Russian one. Google Plus. Didn't know that was still a thing. But the good news is you can find us on Rumble and Truth Social, where we will be premiering after the Candace Owens show. So stay tuned for that and good night.
